justme2

KayC, I admire you so much. I too had a mother who had psych issues though my entire childhood and continues now. I believe we talked before about "Mommie Dearest" and how my sister and I could have written that book. She went to a doctor a few times and they'd write her a script for an antidepressant but she'd never get it filled. We lived through the madness-- getting hit with what ever was near, clothes hanger, shoe, hair brush and her favorite-- the 1/4" yardstick. But even worse was the mental abuse, the put downs, the insanity of the things she'd say. Once, I came home from school and was hungry (she worked) so I got something out of the cupboard and ate it. When she found out, she MADE me write a paper on why I "stole food from the cupboard". Hello... I was young and hungry. Do you know she thought it was "funny" that I wrote that the reason I stole food was because I was hungry. She actually saved it and sent it to me when I was in my 40's. I didn't think it was funny then and I sure didn't think it was funny so many years later. I still have it -- I showed it to my therapist, I didn't think anyone would believe me if I just told them the story. How could I steal food from a cupboard in the house I was being "raised" in. Once when I was in my young 20's I traveled to where she lived to visit her with my young son. (The first time she'd ever seen him). I got a new outfit and a haircut trying to "please her" and be the person she would like. When I got there she said to me "That haircut makes you look really cheap"...... Ok, so much for trying to please. When I was pregnant with my first child, she told me that my children were going to be born blind because both I and my ex wore glasses.... That was reassuring. From the time I got married and to the day I couldn't take it anymore and quit talking to her, I made everyone I was with PROMISE they wouldn't leave me alone in the same room with her so she couldn't put me down. When I became an RN-at age 30 and with a 9mth old, a 4 yr old and a 7 yr old, she asked my sister "Do you think that's all she'll ever be, a nurse?" We haven't talked in years and she is now 85, living in Florida-- about 1200 miles from me, living alone. My sister talked to her longer, but as of last April, she couldn't take the put downs anymore either. So now, we wonder how she is. We figure the paper boy will probably see the newspapers gathering up at the door and that's how we'll find out she passed. I don't even know how I'll feel when she passes. I honestly don't think I'll cry or grieve. So, anyway, this was about you and how I admire you and how you are able to forgive or come to peace with your mother and have so diligently taken care of her. You are such a special person, your mother may not have ever realized it, but all here know. Tracy

KayC, Soooo, very true!

Dear Melissa, I'm so sorry about the loss of your special girl Lola. Many here, including myself understand the deep hurt you are feeling. I lost my best friend, my Great Dane, Derby when she was 11. I felt like my heart was literally ripped out of my body. To be honest, 3 yrs later, there are still days I feel that way. What a wonderful idea you had with getting her foot print and having it tattooed on your foot. I wish I had thought of that. My girl is cremated and waiting for me, when we'll be put together and spread at "our special place". (It's on a hillside overlooking a river.) We spent many a day talking and relaxing there... My vet sent a card to me after she had to be put down. It said "Gone from my side, but not from my heart". I still have the card with a picture of Derby on my fridge. In the forum on loss of a pet, there's a wonderful series of postings written by a man named Mark. It's called Bickys story. It is such a touching story and it rather validates our feelings on having lost our special friends. Tracy

First to AnnC, I know very often in my life I've wondered why... why did this happen, why did that happen. I've questioned God, why would God let something like this happen. No one I've ever talked to has been able to give me an answer I understand. I've said when it's my time, if I get to talk to God, I guess he'll tell me. The loss of your brother must have been of course, at the very least devistating. But, out of that terrible tragedy, someone who couldn't see, can now watch a sunset, see a rainbow, see the people in their lives that they love. Out of his loss, something good happened. He sounds like he was such a special person that as you said, I'm sure he'd be happy to know he's helped someone see. To Dear KayC, My friend, what a wonderful gift you have received to look into your granddaughters eyes and see your husbands eyes. Life is so cruel sometimes, losing the people, pets that are so deeply a part of your life. God has indeed given you a special gift in your granddaughter. Tracy

I'm so sorry for the pain you're going through right now. You have come to the right place for support and help. I'm fairly new to this site but have found that everyone here is so caring. Many have gone through painful life experiences and will be here to support you. I think one of the most important things I've learned from coming here is that sometimes you can't make it day by day, you have to go moment by moment, hour by hour. I don't have words to make things better for you now. Grieving is so induvidual, but there will be more replies to your post that will help you during this difficult time in your life. Know that the people here care about you. Marty will be replying to your post and she is sooo supportive and will be able to direct you to links that may ease some of the pain you're feeling. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Tracy

Anthony, I never heard it before, but I too, like the saying "vapor in the wind". Those we have lost are, I believe, still beside us, even though we can't see them. Sometimes something triggers a memory and it's like the person you've lost is beside you remembering it with you. Tracy

Mark and KayC, I'm glad you both understand about mixing our ashes with our pets that we loved so much. I've gotten more than a few odd looks when I mentioned this to some people.... Glad to have friends who can relate! Tracy

Dear Rubysbaby, I'm so sorry for the loss of your beloved mother. Keep going to counseling, and try to keep checking in here. There are people here who understand and have been where you are now. Everyone here truely cares. God Bless, Tracy

KayC, What a wonderful gift your husband gave. The gift of sight. I imagine it is a comfort to you that someone out there has his eyes. Just imagine how grateful they are! You are a special person, and I feel glad to have you to talk to. Tracy

Saw this on another site and liked it. Hope it helps you. Tracy

KayC, Sorry, I forgot to address the mind racing. So sorry you understand it so well, having to live with it too. It really is soooo hard, especially in the middle of the night when most are sleeping. I also take antianxiety meds. Sometimes they help, some time not as much. I imagine you've experienced the same. Please continue to keep in touch- as you're able. Sincerely, Tracy

KayC, Since I donated my kidney to her years ago, and her body rejected it 3yrs later, she's been in a downward spiral. She's extremely underweight. The transplant team won't consider her for another kidney transplant until she's gained at least 20#, so they won't even talk eye transplant. I don't understand, they transplant organs into children/babies... why not her? She probably weighs 85# soaking wet, but she still weighs more than a child. She even has another living donor like I was ready to donate another kidney to her. Ironically, and very sadly, when she first became ill, she wanted to be an organ donor, and specifically designated that she wanted her eyes to go to children to help them see. That's what a special person she is. Now, even that won't be possible Thanks for listening Tracy

Angel, I'm so sorry for your loss. I am fairly new to this site, but have found the people here are wonderful. The support you receive here is overwheming. As I've read in other posts, take it day by day, hour by hour and sometimes it may be even minute by minute. You're in my prayers. Please keep posting. So many others who have gone through what you are going through will be here for you. With deepest sympathy, Tracy

Dear Kayc, Thank you so much for your tips. I did start watching "lighter " television shows. I found myself watching really dark shows and then wondering why I felt even worse... shouldn't have taken a Rocket Scientist to figure that one out, but at least I did . If you don't mind some of his language, Robin Williams "Live on HBO" is hysterical. I liked the tips you gave though for relaxing. Sometimes my mind runs so fast I can't even keep up with myself?! Does that make sense? I have known for awhile that I wasn't going to have my sister with me as long as we once anticipated. We'd laugh about when we got old, and what we'd be like... I know I do need to try to visualize her in a place where she's happy, not in pain and has peace of mind. I guess what's been the hardest is her most recent issue, that she's going blind. I'm just not able to accept that-- like I have a choice, and if I feel that way, how must she be feeling.... I feel selfish that I'm not able to accept it when it's happening to HER! We've only spoken about it once, the day she came home from the specialists and called to tell me. She was crying and so upset and I didn't even know what to say. I actually looked up corneal/retinal/eye transplants, because I would give her one of eyes. But, they won't do living donor eye transplants. Thank you so much for your input. Everyone here is so special. Your support has meant/means alot. Tracy

Dear Mark, I lost my Great Dane/best friend 3yrs ago, when she was 11. There are many of us who DO very much understand your pain and grieving. As I said, it's been 3yrs and I still have not adjusted knowing that I can't look into her very intelligent, loving brown eyes. I still need her. She was my rock,and again, my best friend for so long... as you understand, it's unbearable to "let go" of my feelings of loss. I have been mesmorized by your writings of your dear Bicky. You really should publish when you've finished your journey through your story of this wonderful friend you have lost. It truely is inspirational. When you wrote about seeing him for the first time after your long seperation, I had goose bumps! It was if I was there and was experiencing it with you. I could so visualize his reaction to seeing you again. I don't know if you've heard of the vet James Herriot, a vet in the WW2 era. He wrote a wonderful series of books dealing with his animal patients and their people. "All things bright and beautiful, All creatures great and small" are just 2 of the books. I have his whole series and read them all about once a year. I never tire of the stories. You have this talent with your story of Binky. Please continue to publish your chapters as you are able. We look forward to each and every chapter. When my Derby girl had to be put down, she was cremated. I pet the urn and talk to her. My family knows that when it's my time, I'm to be cremated, mixed with my girl and spread at our favorite spot that we had. I can't wait to be reunited with her. A sympathy card sent by my vet, a small gesture it first seemed, has helped me on some days. There is a quote on it "Gone from my side, but not from my heart". When I first got it, feelings being very raw, I placed it on my fridge by a picture of Derby. As it turns out, not such a small gesture after all. 3 years later, it still hangs there, helping a bit on the really hard days. Yes, she's gone from my side but will always be so much a part of my heart. I'm sooo sorry about your loss. But please know that your writings are helping alot of people. AND that alot of people care about you. Sincerely, Derbys mom, Tracy

Mary, Congrats to both you and Bentley for such a wonderful accomplishment. I'm an RN who works in a nursing home and have seen the wonderful interactions between therapy pets and the residents. To see their faces light up as they pet and talk to the animals that come to visit is so great. You'll find that it will bring you as much happiness as it does the people. (And, the staff actually enjoy it too!) Before becoming a nurse, I actually did pet therapy visits at local nursing homes and one state institution and I felt I got as much out of the visits as the people who where at the facilities. I once worked at a nursing home which let me, on Halloween, dress up not only myself, but my dear Great Dane Derby. We were both pirates. She would lay at my cart while I went into the room and did my nursing duties. Then I'd ask the resident if they'd like to see her and those who did got the biggest smiles. It was a site! A 150# dog, dressed as a pirate! We were the hit of the day. My girl passed over the Rainbow Bridge 3 long years ago, but my memories of her live on, and certainly the love we shared is still so deep in my heart. Good Luck to you and Bentley. I'm so proud of both of you! Tracy

Hi Marty, Thank you for your concern. I am in the process of trying to get medical insurance. I should know more mid week. I know I need to be taking better care of myself. I haven't told my sister about my recent issues. She has enough on her plate now. And, I know she sure doesn't need to have more stress if something happens to me. Worked my usual two 12 hour shifts over the weekend, so I'm still awake and trying to unwind... Hopefully, next post will be positive and I'll have been able to get my insurance and get my butt to the doctor. Thanks again, Tracy

Hello friends, Well, just another day. Started having heart palpatations and had a not so fun episode of radiating chest pain a week ago. Stress is just such a fun thing isn't it?! Yes, as a nurse I know should go see the doc. (no med insurance) And it is true that nurses are the worst about taking care of themselves.. everyone else ALWAYS come first. Even my therapist has been on me about it. But as I mentioned, no medical insurance... So, life goes on. I read an interesting article about Thiamine and how a deficiency of it may affect vision. Called my sister and told her next time she has dialysis to please have them check her level. (As in a previous post, she's already lost vision in 90% of her right eye and has been recently told she's going to lose vision in her left eye). It said in the article that long term dialysis can cause a thiamine deficiency, which can affect muscle co-ordination (she falls soooo often and also affect vision) so maybe I'm grasping at straws, I don't know. With the holidays coming, I wonder how many more we'll have together... I try really hard not to. Take care all, Tracy

Thank to both you and kayc for your advice and kind words. It's wonderful to have found such caring people!

Thanks Marty! I appreciate your help. Tracy

kayc, I believe that I posted a reply to Mark, (Binkys dad) and somehow in my computer ignorance, it got sent to you... Sorry. I don't know how to pass it along to him. If you're better with computers than I am, perhaps you'll be able to pass it along to him. I'd really like for him to see it. I have been blessed to find this site. It has given me comfort to know I'm not crazy, there are others who understand!! Who unfortunately have or are going through the same feelings. You all are so special Tracy

Dear Mark, I lost my Great Dane/best friend 3yrs ago, when she was 11. There are many of us who DO very much understand your pain and grieving. As I said, it's been 3yrs and I still have not adjusted knowing that I can't look into her very intelligent, loving brown eyes. I still need her. She was my rock,and again, my best friend for so long... as you understand, it's unbearable to "let go" of my feelings of loss. I have been mesmorized by your writings of your dear Binky. You really should publish when you've finished your journey through your story of this wonderful friend you have lost. It truely is inspirational. When you wrote about seeing him for the first time after your long seperation, I had goose bumps! It was if I was there and was experiencing it with you. I could so visualize his reaction to seeing you again. I don't know if you've heard of the vet James Herriot, a vet in the WW2 era. He wrote a wonderful series of books dealing with his animal patients and their people. "All things bright and beautiful, All creatures great and small" are just 2 of the books. I have his whole series and read them all about once a year. I never tire of the stories. You have this talent with your story of Binky. Please continue to publish your chapters as you are able. We look forward to each and every chapter. When my Derby girl had to be put down, she was cremated. I pet the urn and talk to her. My family knows that when it's my time, I'm to be cremated, mixed with my girl and spread at our favorite spot that we had. I can't wait to be reunited with her. A sympathy card sent by my vet, a small gesture it first seemed, has helped me on some days. There is a quote on it "Gone from my side, but not from my heart". When I first got it, feelings being very raw, I placed it on my fridge by a picture of Derby. As it turns out, not such a small gesture after all. 3 years later, it still hangs there, helping a bit on the really hard days. Yes, she's gone from my side but will always be so much a part of my heart. I'm sooo sorry about your loss. But please know that your writings are helping alot of people. AND that alot of people care about you. Sincerely, Derbys mom, Tracy

This was beautiful. I shared it on my facebook page and wrote a little letter to my best friend for 11yrs-- Derby. It was actually cathartic, as I have not gotten over my loss of her 3 yrs ago. She was cremated and when it's my time, I plan to be cremated. My family knows that we are to be mixed together and be spread at her and my favorite place by the creek. They say time heals, still waiting... Tracy

Thanks you so much. I appreciate the support and am so glad I found this site. God bless. Tracy

Dear Marty, I just read the post about grief and loss for the healthcare professional. Actually, I read it twice! The following was something you had written and you are sooo right!! We expect that we should be able to handle any situation. And we can't always do that. Written by Marty and so eloquently put: So often we healthcare professionals (and most especially, we nurses!) believe that we “should” know what to do in every crisis or emergency situation, not only for our clients and patients but for ourselves as well. We hold such unrealistically high expectations of ourselves, don’t we? I too, like the nurse that was writing have worked in an intensive/cardiac care unit, but also in Long Term care, the geriatric age group. I've gone through many deaths with family and the dying person. And I've had many kind words on how much I've helped them through their journey. Gee, wish I could help myself through this journey better. I'm going to go outside and take in some fresh air on this Indian Summer type day. Thanks again Marty. I'll be back to this site again soon. You are great people here. Tracy