Mattsmom

I know how you are feeling. I lost my son three months ago. When you said your son was the champion of the underdog and lived life to its fullest, it sounds like my son. I was accused of spoiling and giving in to my son's outburst. But I had someone tell me this, he may have only lived 11 years but I loved him enough for many life times and he lived more than people who lived 80 years. He was so full of life always on the go, snowboarding, skating, jumping etc. but he was known to always be the one to help the special kids at school, he could be a smart mouth but he was kind and thoughtful to those who needed it. I understand your pain. I personally don't think it ever goes away. I hope you are in counceling. I think it does help if you have the right person. I also suggest prayer. I will say a prayer for you and all the other mom's who know our pain. God Bless~ Jill

I just join this group today. I am hoping that posting something will make me feel less lonely. My son died April 23, 2006. He was 11-years old and the most beautiful boy, I am not saying that just because I am his mother, many have said this. He was beautiful inside and out, extremely sensitive, caring and had a hard short life. Two years ago he was dx with a severe blood disorder and was hospitalized many times and went through chemotherapy and several surgeries. The Sunday after Easter, me and my daughter found him hanging from his ceiling fan in his bedroom. I blame myself and many other people as well. The med's they had him on made him depressed and I should have seen the signs. About a month before he died, he threatened to kill himself. I should have seen the warning signs, but I thought he was throwing a tantrum to get his way. I told him I would not make him take the treatments anymore, but the doctor came into his room the week before he died and said she was going to schedule another round of chemo. This made him very angry and sad. The day he hung himself, I went out for the day with my daughter and he was very upset and jealous. I spoke with him at 7:16 pm on the phone and got home at 7:26. I made him dinner and went to his room to find him. If I had only gone to his room before making dinner he would be with today. I do the what if game and why over and over. I really believe there is no greater loss than a child. We were so close and I love him more than life. I pray for god to take me many times a day. I just want to be with him, hold him, feel him, smell him and hear his sweet voice again. I feel like I am just going though the motions of living at times, I think the only reason I continue is because I have a daughter who 14. I wonder which child needs me more, I just try and think he is in gods hands. I was never a very religious person, but I find myself praying a lot lately. I wish I had the answers. Losing a child is the worst thing that can happen to anyone, but losing them to suicide is even worse. This is one of the first times I have been completely honest. My familly tells people it was an accident, but I know in my heart he wanted to die. Knowing that he was so sad and felt like he had know other choice is killing me. I feel like a victim. I am sorry this is so long but I guess I just needed to vent. Please forgive me.