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Shoe

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  • Date of Death
    Dec. 31, 2011
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    NA

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    Female
  • Location (city, state)
    DC
  1. I'm glad you posted, Melissa. You are so blessed to work with such good people. And it is impressive that you were able to get yourself to work today, given how hard of a time you were having. Your life is not pointless. You meant so much to Lola, I know you have value. I know you bring the potential for love into this world. And this world needs as much love as it can get. I'm praying that January is better for you. Shoe
  2. Yold, I hope you will post again. I'm such a terrible worrier since my dear Lila was taken. And I worry for you. I get exactly what you mean about it being a magnificent being in the form of a cat that came into your life. I know some lovely pets that really, seem like they are just pets. And then there are a few that seem to be our angels, who get into every crevice of our lives, by becoming our pets. A friend of mine has one of these, amongst her several pets, and he is old, and she says she knows it and will be fine when he dies, but I anticipate it will be harder for her than she thinks. In the last few years she has lost her husband and her mother, and she managed, so she figures this can't be worse. I hope dearly, that I am wrong, but I think she is going to be broad-sided by his death when it comes. My dog Lila (that's her kissing me, in my profile pic) was my angel. She saw me through terrible times, and when I felt like I had it together, she left me and my family to figure out life on our own. I keep telling myself that she knew it was time for us to be on our own, and work things out between ourselves, but I miss her more deeply than I've ever missed anything. That you found yourself getting more depressed, rather than healing, and then having medical problems, all sounds very bad to me. The best I can say to you, is that you made the very best decisions you could, with the limited knowledge you had at the time, regarding Bubby, and the way you handled his needs and took care of him. You certainly could not have been closer to him, or paid more attention to him, though I understand how you feel like if somehow you did, you could have done something better for him. You know that there was too much chance of complications or just lack of success from the surgery offered. Bubby had to die at some time, and the way he died let you have some time to know that it was coming, rather than if he had died that first day he showed signs of medical trouble. I know this is going to sound dorky, but all I can say about you getting re-engaged in life, is to ask you, What would Bubby want you to do? He is your angel, came to take care of you for a brief (even if it was 12 years) part of your life, and then to leave you on your own. That was always the plan, because that is the nature of our relationship with pets...we only get them for a limited time. Maybe "seeing" Bubby out of the corner of your eye, is him still being with you, even if in an etherial way. Maybe you could say "Hi" next time you see him, and thank him for checking on you? You were blessed to have Bubby in your life, and Bubby was blessed to have you. Keep the faith. Shoe
  3. Dear Melissa, my heart hurts for you. I think about you every day. Marty, I want to respond to what you wrote, but not here, on Melissa's thread. I've started a new thread called Grieving Over My Lost Angel, and have responded to you there. Shoe
  4. Dear Marty, Thank you for your thoughtful words of support. Regarding getting a new dog...it is not that I wouldn't love another dog as much, though it is hard to imagine another dog becoming as attached to me as Lila was. I know that attachment was not common, because people commented about it often. My biggest fear/anxiety in getting another dog, is that I would worry like crazy, all the time, that something bad could happen to her. I'm really having trouble writing about this...tearing up as I write. In a few weeks it will be exactly a year since we lost our angel, Lila. Even if my boys could take care of a dog on their own, that dog would still become part of my family, and in a couple years when they've gone off to college, it would become mine, anyway. And I'm afraid I'd be worried for this dog, all the time. I took Lila with me nearly everywhere, but sometimes you just cannot take a dog with you. I felt bad when I left Lila at home alone, but I didn't worry about her. Now, I feel like I would be anxious all the time, if I got another dog. What I tell myself, is that I'll get another one if I get old and house-bound. As I am not yet fifty, this could be quite a while. Shoe
  5. Hi, I recently joined this very helpful board, and responded to Melissa's post. Then Marty T responded to my post in that thread, and I wanted to reply, but I did not want to do so on Melissa's thread, as she deserves her space. I cannot re-write the story, it will hurt too much. So, although it is a bit out of context, I am pasting my first post, here, along with Marty T's response to me. Then I will "reply" to it here. ------------------------ Melissa, I'm reading your posts, and crying. My dog was Lila. A few months ago, something bad happened. Someone, or something, took her. We found her out on the highway just before dawn. We took her body home and buried her in the backyard. I carved her name in stone and got a little statue of an angel holding a puppy. I know that Lila is with the angels (and I do not mean that metaphorically) and that she is fine now. But I am not. It has been months, but my husband and I still cry sometimes...weep, not sniffles. Our kids have troubles with losing her, and our family therapists says that they won't even hit the hard part, until we adults get a handle on it. The kids want a new dog, and I do too, but I can't consider it because I am too scared. I know that women lose husbands, and marry again, and are happy with that choice, so I ask myself why I can't get another dog. We got Lila a year before I was in a car accident. She was with me through years of healing. Long days when kids and husband were at school and work, and Lila went with me everywhere. She would go in the car with us, but she didn't like walks, because she wanted to just be at home. I read a quote last week, that parents of teenagers should have a dog, because then there was always someone who was happy you were home. I laughed. I'm not depressed all the time. And again, I thought about getting another dog. Another little black poodle. It is the only dog I would ever get, just like you got Lola, exactly what you knew you wanted. But it scares me to consider it. Something bad happened to Lila, and there was nothing I could do--with a new dog, I imagine I would always be afraid something bad would happen. Lila was 8 when she was killed. Not at all old for a miniature poodle, but I know she was getting sick or something, because she was slowing down in significant ways. I try to tell myself that her death was timely, and saved her from living with what would surely have become a low quality of life. But all considered, I have to admit that it is not Lila that I am worried about. It is me. And my family. I've experienced losses in my lifetime (I'm nearly 50), and some have been very hard. But I think losing Lila this way, this is the hardest thing. After she died, neighbors stopped by to offer their condolences. One even wrote a card. Like Lola, there was just something very special about our dog. Our dogs were our saving angels, and we don't know how to live without them. I wish I had some kind of special healing advice for you, so you could feel better. All I can offer, is that you are not alone in how much you needed your dog, and how much it hurts that she is gone. They saved us when we needed saving, and then left us on our own. I know I should be glad she was in my life, and move on, but I haven't yet figured out how. Blessings, Shoe #6 MartyT Counselor Posted 27 November 2012 - 06:48 AM Melissa and Shoe, my heart hurts for both of you as I read your sad stories about Lola and Lila, and I am so sorry you’re each hurting so badly. The only way I know to deal with this sort of pain is to let yourselves experience it fully, without trying to suppress it or push it away. Find some ways to express it (including the sharing you are doing here, in this safe place, among fellow animal lovers). With regard to getting another dog, Shoe, I truly do appreciate your struggle. I will share with you that after my cockapoo Muffin was struck by a car and later euthanized, it took me ten years before I was ready and willing to let another dog into my home and into my heart. Fortunately for me, at the time this happened, my sons were grown and out of the nest, and my husband felt the same way I did about being "dog-less" for that length of time. But everyone is different in this regard, and I think it's important to recognize and allow for those differences, especially within your own family. Is there any room for compromise here? What would happen if you simply accept the fact that you're not ready for another pup without judging yourself for feeling that way, but if your kids feel differently about it, you could agree to let THEM get another dog or puppy -- with the understanding that you are allowed to feel your feelings without judgment, even to the extent that you'll have little or nothing to do with the new pup, if that's how you need to play it? Then see how it goes? Only you know if that approach would work in your family, but it seems to me that if everyone is open and honest with one another in this situation, there ought to be a solution here that would meet everyone's needs, including your own. For what it's worth, when my Muffin died I was shattered and absolutely heart-broken. I KNEW I could never, ever love another dog the way that I loved him. But after those ten years went by, we did get another dog, a Tibetan terrier named Beringer ~ and I must tell you that both my husband and I loved this dog more than we've ever loved another creature. We had him for fifteen glorious years of unconditional loving, and I could write a book about how much this dog meant to both of us. (See Saying Goodbye to Beringer.) When you are by nature an animal lover and you lose the animal you love more than anything, I truly do believe that your heart is big enough to accommodate another ~ I have learned that the hard way, through my own experience. Animals like cats and dogs just have a way of wiggling their way into our hearts, probably because they are so innocent, so in the moment, so willing to give us that brand of unconditional love that we will never get from another human being. But I also think you have to be ready, and willing, and open enough to let it happen. Only you will know when it is time ~ and there is nothing wrong with that. I just think that in a family, it's important to make room for the feelings of other members, and we can't expect everyone to feel the same way we do about important matters such as this. That's why I encourage you to consider how you might reach a compromise with your husband and kids about their wanting to get another dog . . . Meanwhile, I hope that both of you know you are not alone in your sorrow, because here we do understand and honor the magical relationship that exists between animals and their people, and you have our deepest sympathy. ♥ Marty Tousley, CNS-BC, FT, DCC Bereavement Counselor Hospice of the Valley Mail to: tousleym@aol.com Read Marty Tousley's Bio Here
  6. Melissa, I'm reading your posts, and crying. My dog was Lila. A few months ago, something bad happened. Someone, or something, took her. We found her out on the highway just before dawn. We took her body home and buried her in the backyard. You got a tattoo, I carved her name in stone and got a little statue of an angel holding a puppy. I know that Lila is with the angels (and I do not mean that metaphorically) and that she is fine now. But I am not. It has been months, but my husband and I still cry sometimes...weep, not sniffles. Our kids have troubles with losing her, and our family therapists says that they won't even hit the hard part, until we adults get a handle on it. The kids want a new dog, and I do too, but I can't consider it because I am too scared. I know that women lose husbands, and marry again, and are happy with that choice, so I ask myself why I can't get another dog. We got Lila a year before I was in a car accident. She was with me through years of healing. Long days when kids and husband were at school and work, and Lila went with me everywhere. She would go in the car with us, but she didn't like walks, because she wanted to just be at home. I read a quote last week, that parents of teenagers should have a dog, because then there was always someone who was happy you were home. I laughed. I'm not depressed all the time. And again, I thought about getting another dog. Another little black poodle. It is the only dog I would ever get, just like you got Lola, exactly what you knew you wanted. But it scares me to consider it. Something bad happened to Lila, and there was nothing I could do--with a new dog, I imagine I would always be afraid something bad would happen. Lila was 8 when she was killed. Not at all old for a miniature poodle, but I know she was getting sick or something, because she was slowing down in significant ways. I try to tell myself that her death was timely, and saved her from living with what would surely have become a low quality of life. But all considered, I have to admit that it is not Lila that I am worried about. It is me. And my family. I've experienced losses in my lifetime (I'm nearly 50), and some have been very hard. But I think losing Lila this way, this is the hardest thing. After she died, neighbors stopped by to offer their condolences. One even wrote a card. Like Lola, there was just something very special about our dog. Our dogs were our saving angels, and we don't know how to live without them. I wish I had some kind of special healing advice for you, so you could feel better. All I can offer, is that you are not alone in how much you needed your dog, and how much it hurts that she is gone. They saved us when we needed saving, and then left us on our own. I know I should be glad she was in my life, and move on, but I haven't yet figured out how. Blessings, Shoe
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