Thank you both for replying. CJ, thank you for the reminder to take the time I need. I'm not the greatest with self compassion, and often try and rush through my emotions. And you are so right, I do wish I could just wake up in January!
Kayc, I would love to tell you about Lola
I've always loved animals and for years wanted a dog. During my teens years I was quite sick and had just given up. The only thing keeping me going was watching this show called Pet Project that had a Boston Terrier named Daisy on it. Of course I wanted a Daisy all of my own, and spent days looking up information on the breed to make sure it was the (hypothetically) perfect dog for me. My parents wanted nothing of this, but I would daydream. I even thought of the perfect name, Lola, after the song "whatever Lola wants, Lola gets."
On Christmas morning I woke up to find a dog bed with a stuffed dog toy and letter advising me that I would be getting Lola as soon as my parents found the perfect one. As luck would have it, we found Lola a few weeks later and she came home at the end of January.
That dog saved my life, just by being in it. By being so loving, genuine and just so darn happy she taught me so much. She just radiated positive energy and happiness. Walking down the street, people I didn't even know would yell out "Hi Lola!" or just look at her and smile. Maybe it was her bulgy eyes, or her wiggle bum walk. But for whatever reason, people just saw her and laughed. She spread joy wherever she went, and the girls at the vet would even look forward to her coming in, giving her snuggles and saying she was just what they needed if they were having a bad day. This was before I was working there!
She did have a few health issues, but it was when she was diagnosed with Cushing's that it started to get bad. We monitored her closely but come June, her quality of life had gone downhill, and she was showing neurological symptoms. We ended up euthanizing her the day after my birthday, and she passed holding a bone in her mouth, surrounded by her family and some of her favorite people (the staff at the hospital). I'm grateful I did get to spend that last birthday with her.
When she started getting sick, I made her step in paint. I brought her exact paw print to my tattoo artist and got it tattooed on my foot. I wanted to make sure she would always be with me every step of the way. She tried licking it, so I'm assuming she liked it
I miss her so much.