loves

Thank you, KayC. I really appreciate the well wishes. Today was the lightest and most peaceful day I've had in quite some time...over all. It began with tears from thoughts of my Mom. I often feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude coming from her for how I loved her and that I was there for her throughout my life, and especially in her 6-1/2 year battle of cancer. It literally feels like a blanket of gratitude envelopes me with her energy present. This also happened the morning she passed, while I was alone in the room with her, after 2 weeks of around the clock care. So, throughout the day today, I felt at peace. I ran into a friend who asked me about my "partner" and I suddenly burst into tears. Once I moved on, I did not feel the weight of thoughts and feelings carry on through the rest of the day. Thankfully! This is a first since the parting of ways. One of the things about this forum that has helped me gain perspective is that it seems typically, or most commonly, the one grieving a loss is the one who breaks things off. Somehow, that the other way around does not seem to be as common gives me a different view of my own situation...in the sense of it being more profoundly unacceptable. Also, I see many people writing in trying to figure out a way to cope with the fact that their partner is grieving. Wow! People like that do exist. How differently it could have been had my partner cared enough to look into the matter...to even make an effort to learn about grief. Seems almost a narcissistic behavior, which has no regard for the other, and is incapable of extending empathy. I didn't realize what was happening either until I came to this site. I had no idea that a meltdown would be expected. What a relief to realize that it was normal. I had never in my life had a meltdown, and now I realize I was in grief overload mode. Explains so much. I love being alone too, KayC, and though I have had intimacies, I had not been in a commitment to a partnership in about 18 years prior to this commitment. This is another reason it has been so difficult for me. I really opened up like never before to anyone, and had evolved into that commitment this year, after 3 years since our first meeting. Ouch. Life does go on, though amid tragedies it feels the world ought to just altogether stop.

I want to add that I see my partner's leaving as a lack of capacity. Capacity is something that stretches. It is not fixed. I watched my Dad stretch his capacity with my Mother when she became ill with cancer. He fought alongside her daily for 6-1/2 years, and came to understand all she had done for him throughout their 43-year marriage. He learned to appreciate her in a way he was never before able. It was beautiful. He can still be a terror at times, mostly when he is afraid and unable to deal emotionally (also understandable) but he has grown tremendously and I attribute it to love and acceptance we have all given him.

Thank you both for your loving words. MartyT, it is such a gift to me at this time to feel understood by reading your kind words., though I was so moved, I could barely see the words through the tears. I also appreciate the suggestions you've made. Thank you.

kayC, I appreciate your perspective. Thanks for sharing. My partner had said, "my pattern is to run, but I don't want to run from you. I can't run from you." Guess that was proven wrong. Patterns can and do change, are transformed. I don't know in this case. It's too soon to tell. But, if I were to enter the partnership again, I think I would have go in expecting that the runner would run. We cannot run from ourselves. That's what I see here. The pattern of running is to escape one's own depths and pain. It's truly impossible though. That will show itself in time. One of my favorite quotes comes to mind: “There is no coming to consciousness without pain. People will do anything, no matter how absurd, in order to avoid facing their own Soul. One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.” ~CG Jung Not everyone is comfortable with intensity of emotion due to their own deeply rooted fears and avoidance of pain. I think that is what happened here. There was very little communication after my partner left, but the little bit that came in via email was (in my opinion rhetoric) about avoiding pain and seeking happiness. Seeing pleasure as happiness and seeking to attain it constitutes suffering itself. Or maybe I'm just dealing with a narcissist. Anyway, some dive into pain and experience it fully and it passes. Life is better as a result. Others avoid pain, but that seems to result in chronic pain. I'm a diver. I'm a stick through thick and thin. I learned that through my parents' 43 years of marriage. My Mother taught me how to love. Dad is no picnic. I think that's why I am more open to loving this partner. Just because one has a pattern of avoidance and fear doesn't make them unloveable. It stems from their own life conditioning. I agree with you about qualities of preference, and am assessing and deeply considering it.

I see all experience as a way to have true compassionate understanding for others. I think that is why we are able to have the love for our parents...through the compassionate understanding we've gained because we have fully extracted what the opportunity offers. The cycle then stops with us.

I commend you, Brokency, for hanging in there. According to the references made to other threads on this forum, you are a rarity. That is a good thing! My perspective is coming from the other side. I lost my Mother and the greatest romantic love relationship I've ever been in ended as a result of my grieving. My partner left me one month ago, almost two months after my Mother passed. Prior to my Mother's passing we were both just giddy in love. This has been one of the most difficult months of my life. I resent that I have to grieve the loss of the partnership at the same time I'm grieving the loss of my Mother. I had made it a point throughout September and October to be as available as I possibly could to my partner because the relationship was so important to me. It was tough. First off, within the first few weeks after Mom's passing, I was in a daze and barely able to function. I was still intimately involved with my partner, though it was not easy to do. I felt withdrawn and did not want intimacy at that time. I stretched myself and my capacity, and made great efforts to keep that alive. The second month I felt agitated all the time, and I wasn't so pleasant to be around. I kept having conversations with my partner and explaining how I felt and that I knew it was not easy to be around me during this time, giving thanks, acknowledging, and apologizing constantly. I was doing all I could. I even acknowledged that I realized that my partner must be grieving the loss of me since my Mother passed, because I was unable to be where I was emotionally prior to her death. I wondered if part of the reason I was having emotion come out in weird ways is that I needed to be alone more, but I was trying to be there for my partner and didn't want to lose the relationship, and leaving my partner was not an option for me. I never imagined it would be a choice my partner would make. I am still in total disbelief and shocked. My partner just cut and ran after witnessing me have a meltdown on November 3. There were factors contributing to me reaching that place of meltdown, in addition to grieving. I had lost my business and home to foreclosure in May, and everything I had left was in storage. After returning home from being with my Mother the last two weeks of her life (in September), I discovered I had been robbed, many of my things stolen from my storage unit. The repercussions of this were negatively affecting me daily throughout September and October, as I needed everything that was stolen to rebuild my business. It was a painful unfolding of discovering what all was missing, and a financial strain to replace things missing. Many of my precious personal items stolen too. My workload was very demanding as I pushed through and pulled off getting my business established. It was all too much stress. The meltdown was very intense, and I assured my partner, "this is not about you. I'm in so much pain." I have never experienced anything like that release of emotion in my life. My partner was scolding me and shaming me for being "enraged" and left. We had a few email exchanges, but no conversation. I was then cut off completely and told not to make contact. My friends of nearly 20 years were all so glad for me that I had such a release of emotion as a meltdown. They have seen me be strong for so long. No one has ever seen me fall apart. Some of them wished they could have been there when it happened and felt that my partner totally missed the opportunity they consider a gift and a privilege to see the one they love fall apart, and to be there for that loved one. Many of my friends have the perspective of Maya Angelou's quote about my partner leaving me...that now I know how my partner would handle a crisis or deal with hard times, and that I 'shouldn't' want someone like that in my life...someone who would leave me just after my Mother died. I feel differently. I want to still be together and hope we can. The thought of any conclusion being made by my partner about who I am based on the grieving process and having a meltdown is so hurtful to consider. This is especially so because I have never behaved in this manner in my life. I have never before lost my Mother. Why is it that people say, "now you know his/her true colors" when something they don't like happens? It doesn't make all the things you love about the person less true. There are so many reasons we do what we do, how we do at any given moment. Life is constantly changing and evolving and so are we. I tend to give the benefit of the doubt in favor of another. I see it not as this is who the person is, I see it as this is how the person is, and only at this moment. Given other circumstances it may prove differently. This is how we get to know each other...over a long period of time. I realize that without having had the same experience in the same way, we cannot lend true understanding to another. My partner has not undergone any of this before, so there is no point of reference. How could I expect someone who hasn't experienced it to understand? How about understanding or not, just choosing to love through it all? That would have been great. I would love to have just been loved by my partner through this. Since my partner left, I have felt hated for having expressed emotion, for grieving the loss of my Mother. I have felt guilty for grieving the loss of my Mother. I have felt so remorseful for having expressed my feelings because that resulted in the loss of my partnership. I have felt so abandoned. I have been devastated. So, I think it's great that you are being there for your love. Take care of yourself too, and honor the grieving you feel. He may be able to come around more and more to how it was before. I have had the thought that if I had the opportunity to reconnect with my partner, I would be giddy in love again and find a way to experience grieving outside my partnersip. I don't know if that's possible, it certainly wasn't within two months of Mom's passing. I'm not sure we can be in partnership and not be affected by what our partner is going through. It's just part of life. Life occurrances can be very enriching if we take the opportunity.

I can relate with you, Kay in what I consider to be a small way. I'll spare you all of the gory details, but suffice it to say that my dad is a deeply wounded being who has caused me specifically (of the three of us children) a ton of grief and pain for the 40 years of my entire life. I'll give a little background of highlights to bring it into perspective. When I was about 8 years old, I was beat so badly that my Mother thought he was going to kill me. His 'apology' consisted of saying that I hadn't done what he thought I had, and then he threatened me into being terrified of what would happen if I were to tell anyone. I watched him beat my mother as a child and into my twenties, and even at age eleven, I physically held him back from harming everyone. When I was 13, I was kicked out of the house. I believe it to be because I always stood up to him. I was too strong. Many events have occurred throughout the years and I have loved my Dad through it all. I always give him what I considered to be compassionate understanding, but what many would label 'enabling'. We all did. I kept loving him, and many times wanted to have nothing to do with the guy, but chose to hang in there, largely because of my love for my Mother, and for my siblings. He and my Mother were married 43 years, until she just passed in September. I really appreciate your point about glorifying one parent so that we at least have one good one. I absolutely adored my Mom and would do anything for her. She was saintly in my eyes. I've not been closer to another person as to her. As she battled cancer, I was there for her (and my dad) more than anyone else. There were many times that I considered that if it weren't for her, I would have nothing to do with him. Things got so bad at times that I felt that I would even be willing to give up the relationship with my Mother to get away from him. Most recently, this past May, he bullied me so badly that I cancelled my flight to visit Mom to spend my 40th birthday and her last Mother's day with her. It was one of the most difficult experiences I've had. Once he acknowledged he was wrong for treating me that way (because he needed me to be there for him), I traveled there but was absolutley terrified. Amazing how I could still be so affected by him. I was devastated. I stretched past it and into my heart (my Mom taught me how to love this way) and traveled there 3 more times in June, July and then in August to be with my Mom for the last two weeks of her life and to see her to her last breath. Even though being bullied by him occurred just a few months ago, he has rewritten history and seems to have no recollection of it occurring at all. This is the lifelong pattern. I think I am (finally) realizing he is a psychopath. Since my mother passed, I have had all kinds of emotional upheavels. I see that the 40 year dynamic has died too, and it feels like I am purging all 40 years now. This is a very intense experience, which may (or may not) occur for you and your siblings. I realize now how much energy it took as I held the family together throughout the years and it was often at my expense, or to my detriment, though I didn't always recognize that at the time. The healing of that seems to be at play now. I was busy being strong for my Mom for the past 6-1/2 years of her battle with cancer. I put my feelings away many times and stretched my capacity. The feelings are all surfacing now, from what seems to be a deep abyss. For the first time in my life, I have had an intense emotion of being angry with my Mom for not standing up for me throughout the years. I have felt the abandonment in that for the first time. I am reassessing where I want to go from here with Dad. An entire new dynamic is developing, and I am focused on establishing very clear boundaries. I wish to not be sucked into believing that he will behave any differently. That's is the only reason I see that his actions devastate for me...I expect or hope for a different behavior from him. Guess that makes me insane...ha!

My Mother passed away on September 7, 2012, after intensely battling cancer for 6-1/2 years. Too young! Diagnosed at 56 and passed at 63. I spent the last 2 weeks of her life with her, giving her around the clock care. I was the only one present when she took her last breath. It was such a gift to have been with her. Our connection was so intimately close that throughout the years I felt that if she should go, I would die right alongside her. Once she passed, I felt as though the world ought to just stop. I feel like, in a way, I have been grieving the loss of my Mom since the intial diagnosis of cancer in 2006, but nothing comes close to the experience since her actual passing. There is no way to prepare. Though I lived 500 miles away, I was there for Mom and Dad more than my two siblings or anyone else. Since I was the only unmarried one, and the only entrepreneur, it was expected of me. From my perspective, I was there because I wanted to be, not because of my marital status or occupation. Though it has certainly taken its toll on my affairs, I have no regrets. I have had many losses throughout the years: Mom was diagnosed with cancer in March of 2006. A dear friend of 10 years died of cancer in April 2006, and then my grandmother (Mother's mom) died in June 2006. I lost an investment property to foreclosure in 2008, lost my business in 2009, lost a dear friend of 10 years in 2009, lost a dear friend of 16 years in 2010, lost another dear friend of 15 years in 2011, lost my car of 8 years to a wreck in 2011, lost the business I had rebuilt in May 2012, lost my home of 5 years to foreclosure in May of 2012, lost Mom in September 2012. All of these losses have been painful and have had a cumulative impact on me, but nothing has devastated me more than losing my Mom. Once I returned from Mom's passing, I discovered I had been robbed. Many of my precious belongings were gone, as were the items I planned to use for rebuilding my vacation rental business. It was not only an emotionally taxing occurrence, it was a major monetary and finanical setback. I pushed forward and completed renovations on 3 places from mid September until October, though I was barely able to function since Mom's passing. My romantic love relationship had been going extremely well, but became strained after my Mom passed. Intimacy was challenging for me, but I tried to stretch to give the relationship more because it was so important to me, and I communicated clearly, openly and vulnerably. Being robbed, and focusing on building the business did not help matters on the romantic front, as I was stretched so thin. At the beginning of November, I had an emotional meltdown. I just reached an overflow of emotion that I had feared, but had never before experienced in my life. I have always been so strong for everyone else. I needed to allow myself to be able to fall apart too. It was not directed at my life partner, but having witnessed the meltdown, left and ended the relationship. Not only left, but cut me off completley and has had no conversation about any of it. This has been so painful. I have struggled with feeling guilty for having expressed my emotions. I have been trying to give myself a lot of acceptance, care and love, as I feel it is important to not feel guilty for expressing the emotion that arose. It seems part of the grieving process, and healthy in fact. I have had deep remorse for expressing my feelings because it resulted in the demise of my relationship with the love of my life. I have been in disbelief, and so deeply saddened. I have been so deeply heartbroken in this past month, I cannot tell sometimes where the grieving for my Mom and that of my love relationship begin or end. It upsets me that they have to be considered at the same time. How could I be left at such a time? I have been experiencing deep emotional upheavals that also feel like the purging of a 40-year (my age) dynamic between my parents and me ending, the loss of Mom and the loss of my life as I've known it. And now, no one to be there and love me through it. This is defintiely the Winter of my life.