I'm new here and I'm posting because I don't know what else to do. My fiancee died 11/18/2012 from complications due to sepsis. At the time of his death he was an incomplete quadraplegic as the result of a fall on Juy 16th. At the time of his injury we'd been dating almost two years. After his accident I found out he hadn't been faithful but I forgave him, we continued our relationship and planned a future together. He was sent to a facility to be weaned off of the ventilator and our trip into hell began.
I was at this "facility" day and nite by his side. I advocated for him, I became more than just his girlfriend/fiancee I was his caregiver and cheerleader I did everything I could to be there for him. I virtually lived with him at the hospital. I promised him when I forgave his indiscretion that I would be there no matter what happened.
I don't think his family ever took our relationship seriously. I felt disregarded and invisible with them. They always seem to defer to his ex-wife for most information even though it was me who was at his bedside every night and day. During the 4 months he was hospitalized I felt like I was the "help" when it came to his family. They weren't around to do anything for him, they weren't there to hold his hand when he was afraid, sleep by his bedside, keep his spirits up each time he had a set back.
I was there for the setbacks and the disapointments, the delays to going to rehab, I saw the disapointment when friends and family didn't visit or call. I watched him sink into a depression. I was witness to his emasculation, but he was still the strong beautiful man I fell in love with and planned a future with in spite of the obstacles he was facing. I stayed with him when my friends and family advised me to walk away. Because of the sepsis he was finally transferred back to an acute care hospital and we were told that the infection was too devastating and they were only prolonging the end. His family still didn't include me in the decision making for him. I was even verbally attacked by a sister who only visited him 4 times in the 4 months he was hospitalized. When his organs began to fail, wasn't really conscious and barely responding to touch and the sound of my voice I decided to say my goodbyes to him.
I stood at his bedside and I told him how much I loved him, how much he meant to me and how much I would miss him. I told him that I knew his body was tired and giving up and that it was ok if he wanted to go on, that I would be ok, that he was released from the promises he made to fight for me and for us and the future we'd planned. I continued to go to the hospital everyday still praying for a miracle. The day before he died I didn't go to the hospital I was exhausted and overwhelmed. The nurse at the hospital called me the day he died and told me I should get there. Everyone did their usual show up for a few minutes and then leave. I stayed. When his blood pressure was unmeasurable and his heart beat slowed, I was there. When his heart stopped beating I was there at his side.
His family asked his ex-wife to write his obiturary and she hosted the repass at her house. The house where he lived with her before their divorce. In the obiturary I was only mentioned as a special friend and it was written as though he was still married to his ex-wife at the time of his death. My only participation was to help pick out his burial clothes. I made only one request that he be buried wearing the watch I gave him for Christmas 2011. At the funeral I felt so erased from his life. I watched people make remarks watched people crying and hugging his family people who never visited him both friends and family. I got angry. I'm still angry. I didn't go to the burial I didn't want to see the drama or hear the wailing and screaming. I also didn't go to the repass. I haven't heard from his mother since the day before the funeral although the ex-wife calls me almost daily. At one time I though we'd developed a relationship, a bond if you could call it that but after I was erased from his life I don't feel the same. I'm angry and hurt. I can't sleep because I'm always thinking about him. When I do sleep, I dream about him. I awake from these dreams and then can't go back to sleep its an endless cycle. I know I'm supposed to move on but I don't know where to start. I'm a recession victim so I'm unemployed and can't find work. I have too much time on my hands. All of my plans included him, so I don't know where to start. I took a small step today, I'm writing this post. What I really want is to get back to some sort of normal I just can't seem to make it happen and happen fast................
