jols

You should go. I know from experience that if you have a special bond it is important that he hear your voice and sense your presence. Perhaps to not offend your grandmother you could arrange to meet her somewhere (restaurant or coffee shop) as when she sees you in person she might feel relieved rather than upset. My Mom had my father at home with hospice and kept insisting that she could do it all and he wouldnt want to be a burden, etc. but I was very persistent and the day he passed away was there all afternoon-- it turned out I was badly needed particularly right after he passed. Will your grandmother have anyone to turn to in the hours after your grandfather does pass away? She needs you and I'm sure your grandfather would want you to help her as well.

Dear Lost, I found your post and if it helps you feel better I am going through something similar. I was in a bad marriage to an emotionally abusive husband who also was an alcoholic and I tried very hard to keep the marriage together once he was diagnosed with cancer. Unfortunately things got so bad that while I was at work (he was home with our two children recovering after surgery and doing physical therapy) our 8 year old son was threatening to run away and our 10 year old daughter started really having major anger issues. So I divorced him even though he had stage IV cancer. It was the hardest thing I ever did but honestly at the time I felt like it was me or him... and I wanted peace for myself and the children. After the divorce things actually did get a bit calmer although I found out after the fact that he became addicted to his pain meds and was snorting his oxycodone. But he was nicer to our children and I always encouraged time together with him as he seemed less stressed with just seeing them part time. We never spoke again after the divorce was final and he died 18 months after it was final. I remember feeling after he died that there was reallly nothing that needed to be said as even now I did what I had to do. But I feel very guilt--y as it turns out he had no family support (he had three brothers and parents who lived nearby and I really thought they were helping him). Anyway when he passed away I spoke quite a bit to my children and they both thanked me and still thank me for leaving him they insist it made it easier on them. But I keep remembering the good times of our dating and our early marriage (we were married 16 years). I miss him and feel like he would still be alive if I had just taken more of a stand with him and his addictions. So I have the same what ifs and I hurt as well. I don't have a new partner or date it just seems too hard plus I have our children (now teenagers) to raise. He died in September of 2011 and I have good days and bad but sometimes it just is very very hard. I know I am rambling now but remember that you really couldn't control what your ex chose to do... my son wisely told me the other day that his dad made his choices and I can't control everything. I hope you find peace just know that you are not alone-- enjoy the holidays and hopefully time and the new year will allow healing.