roxanne

Cari, Wow! I thought I was the only one who has not allowed the grief. I lost my daddy in 12/05 and never talk to anyone. I am the baby and yet the only one of 4 who dosen't express my pain and guilt. I didn't have as long, and most of the time I did have was spent abusing drugs. Thankfully, I was able to wise up just in time for the worst of it, the last month before his death. I also was blessed to be the main caregiver while we were home. We all talk and laugh fondly about memories, yet when it turns serious I shut down. I have so much guilt about everything. I should have layed in his bed, I should have talked more about the good times I should have APOLOGIZED more!!! I also have a difficult time accepting my future husband and children will never know my dad....which has always been one of my greatest fears. I am very sensitive but when I talk to friend I feel the same like a downer or even worse like I'm milking my loss. I am So Lost. Roxanne

Thank you, I have always beenclose with my family, but in the months prior to my faters death a serious grug adiiction forced my family and friends to cut me off. For close to three months no contact, my mom later told me my dad would ask everyday if I called...of course the answer was no. For reasons to intense to grasp I just stopped using. I proved my self and with in the next 3 weeks was at my familys home all the time. My dad had cancer for almost two years, but was beating all expectaions....until one weekend he went to the hospital we took him home 2 wks later and he passed 2 weeks after. Again I was the main caregiver so I had lots of talks with my dad while he never was conscious, and many apologies. It still dosen't comfort me to know that in his last months instead of rejoicing in the life and love we had together I was an awful daughter. I have been clean since 11/05 my dad died in 12/05. I gues that is the best gift I can give to both his memory and for my mommy.

I am sorry for your loss. I lost my daddy on December 10,2005. I lost one of my best friends who was also an ex, in 2000. I was so devastated crying and talking about him all the time. Now I feel as if something is wrong with me, my daddy is everything,I even did the 'hospice' side of the medical needs in his last days. I barely ever talk to anyone about my grief. Especially not my siblings or my mommy. I avoid it at all costs. When I do feel tears its always somewhere I can't..work, date..etc. I haven't reached out until now. He would have been 67 yesterday and now I can't seem to push the tears back as much. I am the youngest and only single child, I have my friends but as the words start coming out I feel like I sound cold.? I know I need to begin, my brothers always call my mom to talk and even cry, I am the most sensitive and I won't even listen to my mom. I am not married and have no children I feel cheated..'Dance With My Father Again'...says it all. I just don't want that gut wrenching pain I can't I almost refuse.