ashley1986

my father and mother split in 2005 they split because I found out he was seeing another woman. He moved from NY to Nashville to be with this other woman. As a family we realized it was the best situation that they split (not divorced). Fast forward to 2012, my mother had passed of a long battle with cancer. My father however supported her from 2005 until her passing, he was a saint in coming back and caring for her in her weakest of days, spending weeks on end by her side. The lady whom he left my mother for accepted my father coming back to ny and spending all this time with my mother which was very respectful of her. A few months after my mothers passing i met my fathers wife, she was respectful to all of us. The relationship myself as well as my two brothers have with her, is that she is just another human being that happened to marry my father. My brothers nor i call her 'mom', we call her by her first name. My brother and his wife recently had a daughter (after my mothers passing), they also named her after my mother. however my brothers wife insists on calling my fathers wife who has absolutely no relation to us, grandma. i completely do not agree with calling someone who isnt the actual parent mom dad grandma grandpa etc. My mom had passed two years this past weekend, and my sister in law had brought up twice within the past week, once at thanksgiving in front of my mothers family about how my fathers new wife is grandma. It creates tension amongst us as i do not agree she should be saying this especially around myself and my mothers family as they also find it very insulting. Growing up my grandfathers first wife (my grandma) had passed very young before all the grandchildren had even been born, however he had a girlfriend since before we were born - we had no pressure to call her grandma, she was always referred to as her name and we all understood the reasoning. Now i think they're trying to create some sort of normalcy in their minds, but i dont understand how it could be justifiable because when i have kids they will not call her grandma and will be curious to why their cousin calls her grandma, now my other brother also told me that his kids will never call her grandma. I know for a FACT that if my mother was around she would not appreciate my fathers wife being called grandma. Now i can only imagine my brother had his reservations when this was brought up amongst him and his wife. She's the type of person that doesnt find a need for approval for really any of her actions and comes across to most as being arrogant. Example 1, 1 month after my mother passed it was christmas eve, she decided to pull out the thank you cards from my mom's services and hand them out amunst the family whilst crossing out names in the guest book to whom was going to write who a thank you card. It was not the right time or place, neither was it her duty to even touch that box. At this point im curious if i should say anything to my brother.

well heres the thing, i think you may have misinterpreted what i said. There were other ceramics that were a set that i split amungst all three, now as for the train set i only intend to split this amungst my two brothers the brother A is the one who will get two peices and brother B will get one peice - i get no peices out of this

So I dont know if most of you know my story, my mother passed this past late november. Well I have two other siblings, two older brothers - one is married, the other lived in my moms house with her as did i when i was home from school. So, when going through my mothers belongings, we kept telling my brother who is married to come over and sort through things, he said he was "too busy". Time was ticking because my brother and i are each moving out into our own homes seperately. When my brother who is married finally did come over most of the stuff had been sorted through, now granted my mother didnt have too many valuable possesions - for the most part her ceramics which she painted herself. Now these ceramics i decided to split so each one of us got one - most of them were sets so i split the sets. Now since my one brother (who is married) did not recieve many things, which in another sense doesnt necessarily make sense - sinsce most of the things my brother and i did take are everyday household items, dishes, towels etc... Now i was going through a chest where my mother kept all our baby things, within the box i found a ceramic train set - 3 peices, each engraved on the bottom the year december 1985 with my moms name, which was the year my brothers were both born, i was following in 1986. So this set was made specifically for the both of them. Now when i was going through this stuff i was talking with my sister in law and told her how i found these, she immediately said that , (well lets call the wed brother A, and the unwed B;) A should get those, i hesitated and thought that it should be split between them, now since there are three peices i decided to let A have 2 and B have 1. Now I hadnt told her what i planned on doing with these, but she immediately called my brother A and he had called me shortly after saying that he needs to get those, they are a set keep them together, i Disputed that many of the things that i have split up prior were sets and we each have a peice. He said if he doesnt get the whole set he doesnt want it, i told him that hes getting the two peices. Now i know i shouldnt have told my sister in law, because really, had i not told her - he would have gotten two peices of it and not even of known. However i like to be honest, now - should i keep it a set or am i doing right by splitting them by whom they were made for. Also this is the only set of ceramics i have found that actually has my mothers name engraved so i feel like these are sort of the "jackpot" in my opinion of my mothers things. And my brother A was saying well you guys went through all the things without me, and i clearly told him that he had plenty of opporunity to come and go through things - even so, i did set some special items asside for him any thoughts would be appreciated, its not a situation i've ever been in - not a situation i want to be in. And im torn...

Well, where to start. First off my name is ashley, and im 26 years old. I lost my mom a month and a half ago, and im unsure of why she passed she was 64 years old, and was a year cancer free. She was diagnosed with stage four lung cancer in april of 2011. We found out initally when i decided to take her to get her hearing tested as it was getting worse and worse. I took her to multiple appointments during a 5 day period, and when the last appointment came the doctor had told us she had a mass on her brain and we needed to see a neurologist. Through this we took her to more appointments and they had found out her brain tumor was caused by the lung cancer she had. This was march of 2011, i had only known about the brain tumor as i was there with her, and i had to return back to school that following weekend. It wasnt until may of 2011 until i was told about her lung cancer. I didnt know much about cancer except that it was a terrible disease, i did my research and read the odds of survival for stage four and was pretty much devestated. I was also upset that my family had with held this information from me for the time being. I understand the reason they did not tell me, but it still was hard to grasp. Through her chemo and radiation i saw the effects that cancer and its treatment could have on someone, it was difficult but at no point did i feel burdened i rather wanted to be the one going through the treatment than her. My mom her entire life has been a little lady, her max weight in her lifetime couldnt have surpassed 80 pounds. During her last years she was max of 70 pounds. As of November 2011 my mom had beat cancer, all traces of cancer in her body was gone, it was truly a miracle. Im a firm believer in positive thinking and i believe this is what got my mom through her cancer. Her hearing was bad like i said and initally when she was told about the brain tumor she thought it was a mass on her head (not her brain) as for the cancer she never knew how serious it was, as she couldnt follow the conversations at the doctors because of her hearing. When i had a talk with her after she was cleared i explained to her how serious it was and how amazing it was that she overcame it. As of November of 2012 my mom was a year cancer free, however she had not been eating and her weight was dramatically decreasing. A couple days before she had passed she had fallen and fractured her vertebrea, this is the second time this had happened. She also had osteoperosis, i was at school when this happened and was not told about what had happened until 12 hours later. I was sure she would make it through it as she was a fighter. about 3 days after her fall i was at school working on my final project for school, it was a friday, i had been at school for 18 hours and had gotten back to my apartment friday morning at around 6am, i had fallen asleep around 8am. I woke up around noon and saw a missed call and text message from my father who lives in tennesee, i was in buffalo,ny for school and my mother lived in albany, ny with my brother who lived in the house with her, and my other brother was local to my mom living with his wife. my mother and father were seperated, not divorced. he had been an amazing supporter to her during her time being sick, has always been there for all of my family. Anyways, i had woken up and saw the text and missed call but called my moms phone first as she was the first and last person i spoke to everyday, we would usually talk about 5 times a day, we were very close. So i called her and her phone was off, i thought this was odd, her phone was never off. I had a feeling something was wrong. I called my dad, his phone was busy, called my moms house line and my aunt (my moms sister) picked up. She was a prime caregiver to my mom, she took her to every single appointment. She answered and told me to hold on, the phone disconnected. So i called what i thought was my aunts cell phone, it was her house phone, my uncle picked up and said i had to call aunt pats cell, i told him no and that he had to tell me what was going on, it took a couple of tries to get it out of him, but he eventually told me my mom had passed. I was in shock, mad, sad, angry, everything. during this time of calling people, i was on my way to school. By the time my uncle had told me i had arrived at school. I turned around went to my apartment and started packing. My other aunts were 20 minutes from buffalo to pick me up when i found out. My aunt pat was at my house that day because the night before (thursday) my mom wasnt able to walk, they were going to admit her into the hospital, again no one told me this. My aunt pat and my aunt jo ann went to my house, my mom was what they thought was sleeping on the couch (this is where she slept) my moms dog wasnt on the couch with her so they went and looked for the dog, as when she is not on the couch with my mom it usually means she went to the bathroom somewhere in the house. my aunt jo ann went to my mom to wake her up and told my aunt pat that she was cold, my aunt pat replied well she is always cold, this was true, my mom was always cold. My aunt pat went to wake her and there was no response. they called 911 and they arrived and said she was passed. All this was around 8am friday morning, an hour after i had fallen asleep in a different city four hours away. When i had gotten back from school that friday morning, i was looking for my eyebrow tweezers as i always do my eyebrows, i had looked under my bed as i thought thats where they might have fallen. I had crawled under my bed with a flashlight and saw a lifesaver candy, this was my moms favorite candy. i sat there and stared at it, thinking this is strange. Now the week before i had been home for thanksgiving, before i came home i had cleaned my entire apartment and even under my bed, so i thought it was odd this candy was under my bed, because i had just cleaned under my bed. now at this time i had no idea that my mom was passed. I didnt find that out until four hours later. Now im a firm believer in spirituality, positive thinking. I used to be very religious but it diminished when i was younger, as i started paying attention in school especially in science class, it took my faith away. When my mom was sick with cancer i would pray constantly, i didnt pray to anyone in specific, but it was a way for me to get my thoughts to the universe or whatever may be out there. After my mom had passed i was a wreck the first couple of days, for the wake and funeral i was okay though. a couple days after this i went back to school to finish my final project. i was sad but it hadnt really hit me yet. I was concerned to why i wasnt upset, i felt as if i were selfish or if i didnt care which is absolutely not the case. When i finished my project i packed my belongings and moved home, as i had just graduated - my mom wanted to see me graduate so badly. i moved back and i was a wreck, and i still am, cry myself to sleep nearly every night. I worry because i dont know if theres an afterlife, i've always looked at death like this - for myself im okay with it, im okay with the fact that i will eventually die and there may not be an afterlife, it might just be black. I've been okay with this for myself, but not for others. Now that my mom has passed im not okay with this at all and it drives me crazy because i want to know if theres an afterlife, it drives me crazy everyday thinking about this. Im a type of person that needs to know everything, and when things are beyond my control it drives me wild inside. I'll research things top and bottom to figure out what i can do to help. But im stuck because i cant do anything... Also since my moms passing i've been having difficulties with my sister in law, and its upsetting to me because shes my sister in law. shes a great person but tends to take the authoritve role in situations. christmas eve our family comes over to our house to celebrate, we continuted it this year in my moms tradition, my sister in law had taken it in her favor to decide to take the thank you cards out for my aunts and uncles to decide who they need to write them to, i thought this was not the time or the place to do so, i had told my brother (sister in laws husband) that this was not the right time for this, she had overheard and interupted and said "well ashley we had to get it done so we are doing it now" plain to say, i flipped out. i apologized the next day for flipping out as it was not in my character to do that in front of family. a couple weeks later she had texted me asking if i could bring the thank you cards over, i said sure. later in that text she was asking if i was going to speak to someone about my emotions, i told her i didnt believe in psychiatrists or therapists and my emotions, sadness and anger were perfectly normal during this process. She then scrutinized me in how can i learn to deal with this stuff if i dont have someone to teach me, it frustrated me. I had a conversation with my brother the next day about this and he told me to screw off basically. Since then i have not spoken to either of them. Lastly about my mom, the week before she passed i had taken her out christmas shopping and to lunch, she had told me at lunch she didnt think she was normal, and that she was losing it. i told her not to think those things, that to me shes perfect. Shes always been self concious about her appearance, as she was a smoker and it aged her a bit, she also had the hearing problems as well she had ptosis (an eye condition where you cannot open your eyes fully). So i guess my questions are, how do i deal with my sister in law, and also how do i deal with not knowing if my mom is in a better place and is still able to hear me talk to her and able to know that i love and miss her dearly. Thank you for reading it means alot to me