I am new here, so first off I would like to introduce myself. My name is Chole. I am a birthmother to Taygan and Skyler, and a mother to Carter and soon to be born Christen. Eric (Carter's father) and I are in the precess of getting a divorce. My son Carter passed away on May 30th 2006. He had hit his head and the doctor told me that children fall and hit their heads all the time and that he would be just fine. We put him to bed Friday night and I had been checking on him quite often. Then around 3 a.m. (Saturday May 20) I went to check on him before I went to bed, and found him in his crib blue. After many tests at the hospitial, we were told that he had bleeding and pressure in his brain. As the week went on, we thought that he was slowly getting better. On the thursday Carter started waking up. He had opened his eyes for a few seconds on and off throughout the day, but then he took a turn for the worse thrusday night. He started having small seizures on Thursday throughout the night, and they continued. We asked the doctors to take a better look at him, but they said these things happen often with brain injuries, and he would be ok. On Sunday after a week in the hospitial Carter had a large seizure and they had to Resuscitate him. I remember telling him that if he seen God and he wanted to go with him that it was okay. That he would be safe. After Sunday, to me Carter was already gone, although his body was still alive. On monday they did some tests, and they said that his brain had been deprived of oxygen for too long. I was in total shock at that moment, and I asked them what that meant, and they said that the only thing keeping little Carter's body alive were the machines. They said that on Tuesday they would be turning the machines off. I asked them to let me hold him, and they did while he was being taken off of the machines. Carter passed away on May 30th 2006, and he was almost 14 months old. The next few days are just a blur to me. It never crossed my mind that my son wouldnt be coming home with me. My little boy was the love of my life; he brought so much joy and so many smiles into my life. I am lost without him. Carter's smile could light up the room, he was always such a happy little boy. He had the biggest blue eyes and a smile that was contagious. My world stopped when he died, and it feels as if the world around me is still going. It has been 2 months, and still most days the pain is so unbearable. His bedroom door is locked, his clothes still unwashed, toys still where he left them. My ex-husband (carter's father) and my dad took down the swingset last week. Some nights I go sit in Carter's room, and just cry. I know the pain has just begun, and it will last forever. I just wish I could see my little CJ for one minute. To know that he is ok, and safe. Carter is going to be a big brother. He knew before he passed away; when he would get tired he would bring his blankey over to me. I would put him on my lap and rock him. He would pat my tummy and say baby. I have 2 birthchildren and I just dont know if I can have another child because of all of the pain with losing Carter. I have been thinking about placing this baby for adoption, but I love her, and I want to keep her; I am just afraid. How do you parent a child after losing a child, expecially so soon. Christen is due January 2nd 2007. If any of you would be willing to talk, my email is bm2tay@hotmail.com Thank you for reading my story. Chole >l<