Jump to content
Grief Healing Discussion Groups

pmack

Contributor
  • Posts

    18
  • Joined

  • Last visited

Previous Fields

  • Date of Death
    12/28/12
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    NA

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Male
  • Location (city, state)
    Boston, MA

Recent Profile Visitors

754 profile views
  1. thanks, and i'm really sorry for your losses, seems like you've been through alot. i'm sorry for that. , it's really hard, excrutiating at times. i keep telling myself not to conctact her for two weeks unless she gets in touch first. but i always break that rule. @ work is the worst b/c i have a lot of downtime in the afternoon which is usually filled w/ stupid email chatting w/ her. those type of things that i took for granted when we were dating and now miss terribly. i'd come accross a concert or comedy show that i know she would normally love to go to, email her the details and then not get a response, and my heart breaks a little... a little background on her, a month or so before we met her cousin had an "accidental overdose" he was in collge and took too many of his meds, his Mom (her aunt) had died from cancer a year earlier and he wasn't coping welll. so w/ those two recent losses my g/f is no stranger to grief. she is very open w/ her feelings and would talk and cry about it all the time (usually after a couple drinks). i know her dad dying suddenly is a whole different story and her grief is magnigied but it just hurts that she doesn't want me to help her through it. but that's her deciscion and i have to respect it. it makes me think that there were hidden problems in our relationship that she didn't tell me about, little things keep popping up in my mind that maybe if i handled this seemingly insignificant detail a little differently than she wouldn't have pushed me away when things got hard. but i guess that is only natural. Her love seemed so unconditional just a month ago! how can someone pull a 180 so quickly?? but i suppose an event as catostrophic as a loss of a parent can make people do crazy things. i just don't get why she chose to add the loss of a boyfriend to the loss of her father and compound her grief. we are still "in a relationship" on facebook (pathetic that i find comfort in this) and we haven't had The Talk about completely breaking up. i'm just trying really hard not to give her any additional reasons to officially break it off, like acting needy / desperate. i'm trying to come accross as aloof and like i'm just going about life, but i feel guilty doing so. little does she know that i spend every waking moment thinking of her, researching grief, and seeking out advice / outlets to vent my frustrations. And just to be clear i'm not frustrated w/ her, i'm frustrated that this happened! i'm not a religious man but it really feels like a higher power came down and ripped us apart just when we were planning on starting a life together! it's just not fair! when we were together i never had a dream about her, but now she is all i dream about! sometimes wer are back together, sometimes not, but ever since "the break" i've dreamt about her everynight and wake up @ 4am depressed and lonely. she probably has similar dreams about her father, is it awful that i am jelouse of him?? of her missing him and not me?? there has to come a time when she remembers what we had together, at least i hope... i'm also worried that she is going to go out and meet someone new, somone who can relate to her issues more than i can (i've never lost a close family memeber.) or maybe she'll just go out and hook up w/ someone random just to blow off steam and make her feel better for just a little bit. i'm pretty confident she isn't looking to do this but some creep could try and take advantage of her while she is vulnerable, it kills me i can't protect her and that she doesn't want me to! she's leaving for FLA for a week on 2-6 returning 2-13. i'm going to try to not contact her until the day before she leaves, i'll wish her a safe trip and that'll be it. for valentines day i've arranged for a dozen rosses to be delivered to her house along w/ a box of candy for her mother. (good idea?) i've also made reservations for dinner at a few different places, maybe the two of us will go, maybe her and her mom, maybe the three of us? i'm leaving the options open. i'm really hoping things will be better by then . thanks so much for you prospective and input, if not for this site and it's contributors i would be sharing all my crazy thoughts w/ her and that would not be good.
  2. thanks AnnC, it's great to hear from that prospective. i've definately been maintaining my space. Although "no contact" has been really hard. i've kept my contact minimal and light, and she actually responds sometimes. i think it's best not to try and talk about our relationship but just kind of remind her that i am there. She never actually told me not to contact her at all, so i've been sending a text or email every couple days. I got her these tickets to a musical for x-mas, and after what happened i told her she should take her mom, she did and the next day i texted her asking her how it was and she said she had a great time and thanked me. (i was kind of hoping she'd do this on her own w/o me having to text her but i'll take what i can get) i think you are right in that it's tough for her to be around people who "expect things" from her, or non family who are emotionally connected to. i just want to know how long that lasts? i know that is an impossible question to answer and that's the reason for all my frustration / misery as of late. if i knew that in 3 months i'd have the love of my life back just like before than i'd happily wait this out, but the not-knowing is agonizing. and it's not like i can call and talk to HER about this b/c that will almost definately push her all the way away. that's why i come here! everytime i get sad and start to think about her, i try to put myself in her shoes. as mush as i miss her, she misses her dad more. i'm sure if she had a time machine and could go back 5 weeks when everything was perfect she would. she's not doing this b/c she wants to be w/ another guy. well actually she is, that guy is her dad and he's not comming back. i just feel so bad for her and hope she's not doing anyhting destructive to cope, it's so hard not being able to help her!
  3. thanks KC, i'm aware of the probable outcome and it breaks my heart. I just wish someone whose been on the other end could explain it to me. the long weekend didn't produce any real updates to this situation. I had no contact with her at all and the only real development was that thanks for facebook i was able to see that she was at a bar near my apt to watch the football game on sunday. she was with 3 of her girlfriends and it took all my energy and will power not to just show up there so we could "bump into eachother". she would've seen right through this and might have even thought i was "stalking" her. the last thing i want to come accross as is a crazy person so i stayed home and watched the game alone and in pain. i keep thinking that she wants me to contact her at this point, that she thinks i've abandoned her, i havn't! i think about her constantly, evertime i get a text / email / call, i'm actually mad at the person for not being her! she was my whole life for TWO YEARS! and now i've ressorted to constantly checking facebook to see if she's posted anything new! i feel so pathetic! it can't go on like this!
  4. today i decided to go ABSOLUTE NO CONTACT untill she reaches out to me. i fink that Facebook is the hardest part b/c she is constantly posting pictures of her dad, sad song quotes, and the like. everytime i see this my heart aches and i want to rush to the phone and call her to comfort her. maybe she is posting these things to get that sort of reaction out of me? or probably it's not about me at all and that's just how she is grieving (most likely the case). so i unsubscribed to her on Facebook, which means she won't show up in my news feed and if i wanted to see if pics / posts i would have to go to her page directly. i decided that this was better than "de-friending" her b/c we are stil "in a relationship" on facebook and to de-friend her would let her know that i am hurting and trying to lash out. not my intention at all. i may be grasping at straws here but she has comented / liked some of my families posts. My sister posted a cat pic to her wall (they both love cats) and she "liked" it instantly and even made a funny comment about it. than later in the day my cousin posted about how he and his wife were expecting a child and she like that too. this at least lets me know that she isn't shutting my family out as well and maybe that will lead her to wondering where i have gone and start to miss me. Again, probably grasping at straws here but its all i got at the moment. hopefully i will have a more substantuial update after the weekend and hopefully it will be positive! thanks for reading and offering advice, all is greatly appreaciated.
  5. thanks KayC, i'm not expecting any new advice. i know what i have to do and now i just have to try and keep my distance, which is very hard to do...this forum really helps me vent my frustrations and get things off my chest, i appreciate all the help and support!
  6. so last night was another sleepless night. I can't seem to enjoy anything anymore. i went to The Celtics game last night w/ a friend i haven't seen in a while and i couldn't stop staring at her Dads season seats. We were one section away from where her dad used to sit and where i've enjoyed some very good times w/ both Kara and her Father. but i couldn't enjoy last night. instead i was focused on who was sitting in those seats. was Kara there? w/ another guy possibly? maybe a friend of Kara's was sitting in the seats and i could talk to them about her? a couple times durring the game i would get up and walk over to that section and just scan the crowd looking for a familiar face. am i going nuts?? i know she wouldn't be w/ another guy, that she broke it off w/ me b/c of her sorrow for her father, not b/c she didn't love me anymore and wanted to be w/ someone else. but my mind couldn't focus on anything else. when i got home i tried to go straight to bed but i kept replaying the very brief conversation we had the day before over in my head. was she anoyed that i called? am i a nuesence to her now? how can that be? why can't she say "I love you" anymore? i don't think a person can just flip a switch and go from being totally Infatuated w/ a person three weeks ago, to not wanting to talk to them at all?!? i know that three weeks is mere seconds in the mind of a griever, that she is all consumed by her grief that she can't think about the pain she is causing me. everybody i tell the story to acknowledges that i am grieving too and in pain, but the only person i care about knowing this doesn't! and i can't tell her, and she doesn't care anyway! that is the most frustrating part in all of this. thanks for reading.
  7. so we spoke last night. i went against all the advice i've recieved here and from my friend. i just really felt the need to hear her vioce, so i called and she answered. we talked for a few minutes, just chit chat, nothing heavy, she just went back to work so i asked how that was going, i told her i has just happy to hear her vioce. didn't say "i love you" or "i miss you" or anything like that. i just wanted to know what she was up to, she said she was about to go to the mall, which i take as a good sign b/c it's her favorite place to be. the convo only lasted a couple min but i felt like a release valve was thrown in my chest and i could breath again. a huge weight had been lifted off my sholders. so i'm feeling better now than i have in days. PHEW! i also shot her an email this morning, For christmas (when everything was prefect ) i got her tickets to a musical that i knew she really wanted to go to. the show is next friday 1/25, i know that she might feel presure to go w/ me and that wouldn't be good. so i told her that maybe she should take her Mom instead, she'd probably enjoy it more than me and it'd be something fun for the two of them to do together. i knew that if i asked her if she still wanted to go w/ me she wouldn't be very receptive and feel like i was presuring her, she's really focused on helping her mom right now and she'd probably feel guily about leaving her alone in the house, so by offering to step back and let her take her mom i saved myself from being rejected and saved her the presure of having to reject me. win win right? (she just replied as i was typing this; "Ok thanks") i was kind of hoping for a little bit more but i'll take what i can get...so the good news is the lines of communication have been opened slightly. baby steps!
  8. thanks KayC, i wrote her a letter today, but sent it to a friend first and he told me not to send it, it was as follows; Kara, So we haven’t spoken in a week. And it’s been weird. Usually during the day I surf the web looking for funny stories to send you (although most of the time you’ve already read them.) instead I’ve been spending my time reading articles/ forums / books, about grief. Trying to get a glimmer of understanding of what you are going through. I know that is impossible. No one will ever know what you are going through until it happens to them, but I need to try. I found an online discussion board about grief, people post their stories and other’s comment, offer advice, and share their own experiences. There is a section called “loss of love to grief” which has many stories about people who were in loving relationships that ended b/c their partner lost a loved one. Some have good endings, but most don’t. Through my research I’ve found that the ones that don’t end well do so b/c the significant other doesn’t understand what the other is going through and basically tries to rush them through their grief. I won’t do that. I love you too much to lose you. I know you can’t reciprocate that emotion right now and that’s ok. I have enough love for the both of us and I’ll wait for you as long as it takes. In the letter I wrote to your father I said “I’m going to help your daughter through the most difficult time in her life, I’ll be as close or as far away as she needs me to be…” this remains true. I’ll do whatever it takes. I’ve read that grief is like walking on a beach, than all of a sudden you are swept out to sea by a huge wave and you have to focus all your energy getting back to shore. The current is pulling you out and you can’t get your footing so all you can do is try to keep you head above water. Everything else in your mind gets pushed aside and all you can think about is fighting to get back to shore. I’m on the shore waiting. It’s killing me watching you struggle and suffer and I want to jump in and save you. But I can’t, it’ll drown us both. Patience was never something I’ve been good at, but it’s what I need right now, patience and strength. I need to be strong for the both of us, I believe in the strength of our bond so much that I know we will get through this, and I know it won’t be easy. I also know that “us” is the furthest thing from your mind right now and you need to help your mom and brothers cope w/ the incredible loss you all are feeling. Every couple gets tested, this is our test. A brutal, unfair, excruciating final exam that has no end time and no answers, only patience and strength will persevere. I’m patient enough to wait on that beach and strong enough not to jump in. You’ll come back to me, you’re so much stronger than I am, you have the strength and mental fortitude to fight through the hardest of times and get back to shore, just like your Dad. my friend said this made me sounds weak and all about me. which i guess is true. so i decided not to send her anything and he'll help me write a more subjective letter, one that isn't about me and my pain and our relationhip. i think you're right in saying i need to focus on me and try to put her out of my mind, not to contact her. but it's soo hard. it sucks, but w/ this forum and my friends i think i may be able to cope and move forward. thanks for all the kind words and i'll keep you posted!
  9. i'm so sorry for all you've lost, all of you. i truly am. I am comming from a different prespective, and forgive me if this sounds selfish, here goes. My girlfriend of two years lost her dad suddenly 16 days ago, after the funeral / wake she bacame distant and said she "needed a breaK" from the relationship. i completely understand and although i haven't experiences a loss like she has i knew that she needed space. so for the past week i haven't called her, i've texted her a couple times just so she knows i'm there if she needs me, but she hasn't responded. it's killing me inside, but i know what she is experiancing is 100x worse. i just can't get her out of my mind and can't understand why she doesn't want to talk to me. we were soo close just 2 weeks ago before this happened! could any of you shed some light on this subject? did you feel the need to push your significant other's away? i want to be there for her, to comfort her, to make sure she is eating / sleeping and not torturing herself. it's my job as her b/f to do these things but she won't let me and it's driving me crazy! and input would be greatly appreaciated. thank you!
  10. so yesterday sucked. Sunday's were always our day together. we'd hang out a couple times durring the week, but sunday was the only day we both had off and could spend the entire day together. but i didn't contact her, and she didn't contact me . I miss her terribly and think about her constantly. and i know she is feeling the same way. not for me, but for her dad. she misses him terribly and thinks about him constantly, and her feelings of grief are intensified by 100% b/c her dad isn't comming back. she just can't devote herself emotionally to a relationship right now. This is what my thought process is when ever i find myself missing her. but it sucks. i wish she would just call me, text me, email me, something....it's driving me crazy. i know it's important to respect her wishes and maintain my distance, if i call / text her when she doesn't want me to she won't be receptive and look at me like a pest, i don't want to cause her any more anguish than she is already gong through. so that just leaves me to suffer in silence alone. it hurts soo much! but i need to be tough. if our love was what i think it was than she will come back, she has to. patiance is key here but that has never been my strong suit. i don't like to wait for things to happen, i like to make them happen. but that won't work in this case... part of me thinks that she is waiting by the phone for me to call, that she is pissed b/c i havn't been there for her the past couple days. that she said she wanted to take a break as a test, and i failed b/c i complied. i know these are crazy thoughts, b/c i texted her Friday morning just to let her know i was there and she didn't respond, she knows how to contact me so i have to leave the ball in her court. A friend of mine is going to speak w/ her tomorrow night, he has been through the same thing she is going through and she asked me to set it up. my friend said he'd let her know that i was thinking of her and try to get her to throw me a bone. but this meeting isn't about me, it's about how to deal w/ the sudden loss of a loved one. my hope is that just seeing him will remind her of me, and she'll call me right after they talk, she'll tell me that she misses me and that she wants me in her life. god i hope that happens, but i'm not optomistic. trying not to get my hopes up....feeling pretty low today.
  11. Thanks KC, today was an ok day, spent the day with friends and tried to keep my mind off things, g/f went back to work today. She's a waitress and is working a double shift. I hope she is doing alright. She gets off around 10 and she always calls me on her way home. God i hope she calls. It'd be so nice to hear her voice. But ill understand if she doesn't. Probably won't. Ive been staying strong and keeping my distance. Every time i want to call her come on here instead. Im really drawing a lot of strength from this website. THANK YOU! Ill keep you updated!
  12. I woke up crying this morning. At first it was because i felt like i lost the best thing in my life. Then i thought about what she lost and i cried even harder. Nothing is ever going to be the same. I don't know if i should contact her not. She is all i think about. I just want to hear her voice. I'm mess. And she must be 100 times worse. Thst thought is killing me b/c i can't imagine feeling any worse than i do right now. I feel so bad for her. I want to be able to help her. It's my job as her b/f to make sure she is ok, to make her happy. It's impossible to do that right now and it sucks. Alot. I just started crying again. I've never been so sad and it makes me feel guilty b/c i know she is so much worse. I just keep thinking; i miss her, she misses her dad. She might come back to me. Her father is gone forever. That thought is crushing. I just want to fix her. But i can't. I'm so lost. Everything was perfect two weeks ago! Why did this have to happen????!!!
  13. I woke up crying this morning. At first it was because i felt like i lost the best thing in my life. Then i thought about what she lost and i cried even harder. Nothing is ever going to be the same. I don't know if i should contact her not. She is all i think about. I just want to hear her voice. I'm mess. And she must be 100 times worse. Thst thought is killing me b/c i can't imagine feeling any worse than i do right now. I feel so bad for her. I want to be able to help her. It's my job as her b/f to make sure she is ok, to make her happy. It's impossible to do that right now and it sucks. Alot. I just started crying again. I've never been so sad and it makes me feel guilty b/c i know she is so much worse. I just keep thinking; i miss her, she misses her dad. She might come back to me. Her father is gone forever. That thought is crushing. I just want to fix her. But i can't. I'm so lost. Everything was perfect two weeks ago! Why did this have to happen????!!!
  14. i've been reading alot of your posts KayC and they are all very helpful. i'm not at the stage yet where my g/f has broken up w/ me, although i can see it comming if i try and pursue our relationship while she is still greaiving. just reading and talking to people going through the same thing is very helpful. i used to talk to her about my feelings and what not, but i can't right now and it sux! i want to call her / text her/ email her all day long like i used to but that's not what she wants. she just can't deal with it. today is the two week anyiversary of her dads death! TWO WEEKS! i just need some patiance and a forum to vent on, hence why i am here. on tuesday she told me she needed space, when we were leaving eachother we were both crying promising to eachother that this wasn't a break up, we kissed and said i love you to each other, since then i've had minimal contanct w/ her (compated to the 24/7 contact we've had for two years) i texted her when i got home that night, just to say i was home safe (she always asks that i do this) i texted her the next afternoon to set up a meeting between her and a friend of mine who has gone through the same thing (she asked me to do this). and i texted her this mornig after no contact for 36 hrs, just b/c it's the two week aniversary of her dad's death and i wanted to her to know i was thinking of her. we havn't said "i love you" to eachother since Wenesday (i know that doesnt seem like a long time but we normally say it a few hundred times a day!) she made it clear durring our last date that she just cant recipricate love right now, she's just too overwhelmed by greif. which i understand. it just sucks that there isn't a time limmit for these sort of things, i just have to see if she breaks up w/ me or comes back when the fog lifts, and if she's the same person who i've loved dearly for the past two yeear, which seems doubtful.
  15. My girlfriend and I have an awesome relationship. We met two years ago and have basically been inseparable ever since, If we aren't together we are in constant communication through phone, email, or text. We’ve gone on trips, frequently talk about marriage, our families have met, we've named future kids and all that good stuff. She's 27 and I'm 30, she still lives at home but we've been casually looking for a place together for the past year. We aren't in a huge rush to move in together and are waiting for the right opportunity to arise that suits both our needs. Everything has been going great and we just spent our second great Christmas together, then her father died three days later. It was sudden and horrifically tragic. He went to bed on Wednesday night feeling fine, woke up Thursday morning with a horrible cough, went to the emergency room and was dead 24 hours later. The doctors were baffled and are still awaiting autopsy results. Needless to say this has crushed my girlfriends world. She is a prototypical daddy’s girl and b/c she lived at home she has become accustomed to seeing him every day. In the 14 days since his passing I’ve tried to be supportive of her, I was at the hospital when he passed, stood by her in the receiving line during the wake and all my friends and family showed up to pay their respects at the funeral. All that was last week. Since the funeral she has been distant and not herself, understandably so. We had dinner alone for the first time since the tragedy last night and she basically told me she needed a break b/c she “can’t feel anything anymore” and needs to get herself right. I totally get this and I know I need to give her all the space she needs. But I also know that she’s not in her normal state of mind and maybe doesn’t know what’s good for her at the moment. She says she needs to be w/ her mom constantly and really can’t relate to anyone who hasn’t gone through this before. I haven’t and I am at a loss. It kills me that I can’t fix what’s wrong with her, I love her so much and when she’s in pain I’m in pain. All I want is for her to be happy, and I know time heals all wounds but I can’t just back away from her at this point. I’m too involved w/ her family and can’t imagine not being in contact with her if its only just to hear her voice to make sure she’s alright. But she says the constant “hovering” is making her overwhelmed and she just wants to be left alone. Is that the right thing to do? Should I leave her alone? Or should I push back when she pushes me away? Should I just let her go and just hope that when and/if she gets better she’ll come back to me? The thought of that makes me nauseous. Two weeks ago we were madly in love! But the world has changed since then and I don’t know how to navigate this unknown territory. Please help! Lost in Boston!
×
×
  • Create New...