LindaKate

KayC, Mary Shan Thank you for your posts and wise words. Being back at our family home alone for the first time I think I'm feeling what KayC described as suddenly everything is a worse loss. Bill is not here and is never going to drive down this driveway or walk in from the barn again. I will never see him again in this lifetime and it just hurts so much. Every time I try to a chore or anything around the house its so much more difficult or many not even physically possible. And Mary thanks for the reminder about warning signs I've got an appt with my doctor here this week. Did any of you go through a time when you were just so tired and yet couldn't sleep very well? I'm taking this whole week to slow down to rest and yet am so restless at night. I think the physical part of grief is as bad as the emotional pain. Thanks Mary, KayC and ShanN. I'm going to more reading here to remind myself that I am not alone and many others of you have gone thru this loss and survived. Lindakate

Oh Mary Your story deeply touched me. And I'm so sorry for your loss of your Bill. Thank you so much for your post and sharing your story. Yes how many similarities. I'm a clinical nurse specialist with a MSN in psych nursing, certified in end-of-life care. My primary work was in advanced dementia units so I know how exhausting your caregiver role was. We worried alot about our patients family caregivers and tried to ease their CG load. So long and often lonely. Please Please continue to take extra good care of yourself. I thought my education and experience would help me in the grief journey and like you I found nothing could prepare me for the excruciating--the words you used gut wrenching and shredded are the best description. I literally landed in ICU 2 months after my Bill's death..with an extensive GI bleed. It took days in ICU and 7 units of blood to get me stabilized. I'm still feeling the effects. Thank you for the reminder of one day to get through..that is a big problem for me. Your post comforted me more than you can know. Coming back to the forum is too often a lapse for me. I'm trying hard to change that instead of isolating myself. Thank you for giving me hope. Lindakate

This is my 4th month of grief and a major setback..more raw pain and sadness than ever. I hope it is OK to tell my grief story here in hopes that you could share how you got through. I wonder if any of you lost your entire dreams for retirement and how you dealt with it? My husband Bill and I met our dream of owning a small retirement condo in the western state we love 4 years ago. 11 months later Bill was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and the nightmare...’Hope is given..Hope is taken away’ roller coaster began. We fought most of cancer battles in the west..far away from our home state and family house of 30 years. Treatment was much better and there were promising clinical trials. For 3 years I wrapped my life around Bill’s. I joined the pancreatic cancer action network and became his relentless medical and quality-of-life advocate every minute of every day as Bill endured surgery, then chemo, radiation, more chemo with more adverse effects. Thanks to our outstanding cancer team I kept my promise to Bill that his symptoms and pain would be well controlled. To celebrate his first ‘cancer free’ report we bought a new truck and traveled the beautiful back roads day trips. 3 years later in the midst of a promising clinical trial he became very ill and a cat scan confirmed the cancer was “everywhere”. Thank you forever to HOV I kept my second promise to Bill..he passed in my arms in our condo. Now 4 months later I am back in MI trying to take care of our house. For memorial day I went to the cemetery and fell to my knees sobbing seeing his gravestone for the first time. I’ve been back 4 times this week. I weep as I flash back over the past 3 years. I hope putting my story in words will stop the mental replays. Am I going crazy? How did any of you this? Thank you. Lindakate

Oh Shannon, I am so so sorry for your loss of your precious Leo..You are so very new to this and I've read your post over and over while I wept..you described what I could not put into words the wrenching physical and emotional shock...its such a physical gaping wound and yes I could not breathe either, my mind would not work and I could not let my precious husband Bill go either. You are so very strong and wise to post here and I pray and hope you will continue...I've posted and then sobbed so hard I couldn't even sign back on...That is not a good thing and I hope you will post often...the members of this group are so comforting and wise. Shannon I posted your and Leo's name on my prayer door...I use bright post it notes..Your names are there for strength and comfort ....Its the main door that I go past many times a day and I breathe a prayer for you. I may not post often but know that I am faithful in prayer. Lindakate

Thank you Mary, Anne and KayC for your kind and helpful posts. I hope its OK I printed them and have read over. I feel like I'm wrapping myself around your encouraging comfort. Words about your beloved resonate deeply when I weep so strong that I have no words at all. I feel a comfort now that I had not before. That I am not alone in these terrible sad feelings and fat wet teardrops. In this forum there are so many couragous survivors like you. Thank you for remembering me. My apologies I'm still trying to learn how to navigate the forum correctly and when I couldn't reply directly to your posts sent you each messages. Lindakate

Oh Anne I know those tears, feelings of deep despair and the profound sorrow that comes in overwhelming waves at least expected moments. Sending you a hug from a fellow griever. Our 35th wedding anniversary will be this saturday April 27th. My sweet beloved husband passed on from pancreatic cancer in January this year. I posted in January soon after he passed and treasured all the supportive posts I received and then within a week I could no longer go to this group without weeping uncontrollably. Now I can at least sign in and attempt a post. I have had multiple triggers everyday for the past 2 weeks and finally realized it was the approaching anniversary. I'm also looking for posts on how you all survived the first anniversary. I'm still so grief stricken from January. Bless all of you here on the forum. Lindakate

Thank you bless you thank you for each kind and encouraging reply. Thank you for the time you each took to write such helpful words. I've read your posts again slowly. I can't pick up a book and read but I can read your words so clearly only computer screen. My HOV Bereavement Counselor told me about your helpful forum and I am so thankful to her and all of you for being here. I am not sure how to navigate the site. Is it possible to respond to individual posts or do you respond to the topic? Again thank you made this evening bearable. LindaKate

Hi I'm new my husband of 34 yrs died jan 10 his funeral Jan 18. just wondering how you managed to get through these early so painful days. If this has been discussed before I apologize and could you help me find the topic. too new to think very clearly LindaKate