chirpingcrickets

Kay, I do not need to know any details about you or your daughter to say, without a doubt, that your daughter will miss you when you are gone. I felt sort-of "emotionally imprisoned" by my mother for most of my adolescence and adulthood. I felt this start to lift with her death, almost even felt good, like relief, for a moment. Since then, I have been strong for those around me (and myself - I've never been comfortable expressing my need for others - had some trouble in relationships, but I've vowed to try harder now), but something has happened in the past few days, leaving me in despair, and a shell of myself. I've been in pain and with no idea how to alleviate it. I've been desperate, grasping at straws, trying to do whatever healthy things I can think of to help ease this unfamiliar (and intense) hurt. Tears come, out of my control, flowing like lava slow and steady and unstoppable - a force of nature. I didn't think I'd miss my mom this much. Never in my life did I anticipate this pain. I lost my sweet canine best friend about a year and a half ago, and I was sure that was the worst pain I'd ever feel, but boy, was I wrong. The pain of losing my dog crippled me at times: no voice, no air, face swollen and me too shy to show anyone my swollen eyelids and puffy face. Lately, I've realized that no matter what I will always yearn for my mother - even if she wasn't always "perfect". Who is? I'm an adult now with an adult set of problems and responsibilities, and finally realize and appreciate that she raised me the best way she knew how. In an argument years ago, I remember her telling me that "there's no instruction manual on how to raise kids". I do not have any kids of my own, but I can see what she meant by this now that I am older and see my friends with their children. Maybe I will get to give being a mom a shot someday, too. Anyway, I realize and fully believe she did the best she could. I pulled away from my mother during times in my life when I wasn't doing so great, and didn't want to disappoint her. I numbed pain with drugs for years (no more), and was ashamed to tell her. I wasted years this way. I wouldn't pick up her calls when using and certainly wasn't picking up the phone to call her. I don't think she ever knew that I was struggling in this way, so I feel like she was probably "perplexed" the way you say you are. She probably thought the worst. Call your daughter - or send her a card. Make sure she doesn't need you. Tell her she can tell you anything. Tell her you will help her without judgement. My mom would have done this if she could have imagined the pain I felt and my need to numb out but she never knew. I put a strong face forward to everyone including her. Deep down through all of this, I see that the primal yearning has never gone away. I've had it stored inside since my first breath. I imagine being one moment part of her, in her womb, and then suddenly, on the outside. I imagine the first feeling a baby ever feels is yearning for ones mother in those seconds before being placed into her arms. I think it's our first emotion (perhaps after love), and it never goes away.We all still want our moms to hold us and keep us warm and to feel their love. It's literally in the deepest, oldest place in our hearts. If this seems scattered I apologize, but that's how my thoughts are right now. After reading your post yesterday, there was so much going through my mind, some of which I don't think there are words. Just wanted to share with you the words I could find. I wanted to give you a "daughter hug" Babben - ever feel this way? Sending you hugs as well... ~Cricket

Babben, you are not alone. I pray for you to find some peaceful moments soon.

Thank you - and keep calling your daughter! I'm so glad my mom never gave up on me when we had our differences, or when seemingly long periods with no contact would occur. I don't know where I would be. My relationship with her was the most complex relationship of my life, but I wouldn't trade it.

Oh Annie my heart goes out to you. Losing a pet best friend the way you describe is just so painful. Sounds like you were a great friend to both dogs, loving them, but letting them go when it was time. I worked as a veterinary technician for years and was always amazed at the strength of owners who knew that they needed to let go of pets, even if it was painful. They were lucky to have you! and you them!

Thank you Marty & Kay. Kay, thank you for your perspective. You actually echo some of the things she used to tell me when you describe your daughter. Makes me miss her in a "good" way. ~C

Beecha, Your story sounds just like mine & my heart hurts for you. I too suffered loss at the holidays, and have had trouble finding a safe space to talk and feel like i'm not burdening or boring everyone talking about my mom all the time. I am here if you need to talk. Be well. ~Cricket

This really touched me, thanks for sharing.

Hello. I lost my mother after a month long ICU stay and a drawn out illness on January 13 of this year. At that time, I cried a bit, and thought that I was grieving naturally, until yesterday. Yesterday I woke up, and almost immediately started crying, wailing at times, for her. I wanted to call her. I wanted to tell her I was uncertain about myself so that she could tell me she was sure. I wanted to call her and tell that I loved her and needed her even if I had often brushed off her advice. I cried off and on for almost 12 hours, then tried desperately for sleep. I ended up with 4 fitful, sweaty hours and here I am again. Crying for her. Missing her. We had a tumultuous relationship as mothers and daughters sometimes can, but in the end, I think she knows I loved her. I hope. As I write that now, I wonder if I judged her too harshly or ever made her feel like a burden. I wonder if she really felt my love. At her services, a few of her close friends made it a point to tell me that even though my mom and I had our ups and downs, she loved me very much and was extremely proud of the woman I'd become. I feel terrible thinking that they even knew about our troubles, and that they felt the need to say this. Had I caused her great pain that she had only divulged to them? All of this and so much more swirls around in my head. It has been just over a month since her passing and I think I JUST started grieving yesterday. I read online a bit about delays in grieving, but found articles mostly about people grieving YEARS later. It's weird to think you are fine, and have done the worst of your crying, only to start up again with more intensity than ever before 1 month later. I think wanting to call her yesterday triggered this giant avalanche of emotion. I've reached out to a couple of friends, but have had trouble speaking about it - literally can't make the words (thank you text messaging!). They try to help and tell me i am not bothering them, but can't help but feel crazy being such a puddle all of a sudden after a few weeks of seeming ok. My dad and brother are far away, but we talk frequently. I feel bad reaching out to them to support me, because I know they are dealing with their own loss and trying to be strong. I think I was acting like them; strong front for the outside world to see. Funny thing grief - it will find its way to the surface I guess. I needed a space like this to say I miss my mom, and I'm suffering. I'm scared I won't get back to good or find a good job, but I am trying to control my thoughts. Marty, I read the article you linked this morning about choosing our thoughts and I think it will certainly apply here as I try to pull my exploded life back together. Thanks for listening. ~Cricket