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KayC, No, I am not going to have to pay for anything, through my husband's job and where he worked, they will pick up the balance for what our insurance does not pay. I am very fortunate, but it does not mean that all the insurance billings do not make me sick, and concerned for others. It is a very sad situation. I am so sorry you had to go through this, and still having to. Our son has told me we need to talk to a probate lawyer, just in case, because my husband and I did not have wills. I am so thankful that I have our son, with his knowledge of financial issues and such to help me. Today was 4 weeks since my husband passed, I thought at 4:15, the time of his passing, I would break down, but thankfully, a friend sent me a message, and talking took my mind away from that time today. But it is still so hard tonight. Two nights ago, I woke myself up, talking in my sleep. I knew I was talking in my sleep, but I kept saying out loud, to my husband, why are you not answering me, the third time I sort of woke up, dream like state, sat up in bed to ask my husband again, why he was not answering me, looked over to the empty side of the bed, realizing why he was not answering me, and just fell back in the bed, so distraught. Hard night to be sure.

KayC, So sorry you are in a financial hardship now. Taking care of and doing all we want to for them while in the hospital should not put any spouses in this situation. It is horrible! I guess I can only thank goodness we had BC/BS insurance under my husband's job, they have been excellient, and I guess doctors and hospitals just accept their payment, no questions asked. I could not believe the hospital write off. Now just waiting for the next hospital bill, from the hospital he was in the longest to come through, and what that payment will be.

Thank you Jan C. Sorry for your loss. I will try to post as much as I can, some days are better for me doing so than others, as I am sure all here know that. Blessings to all.

Evetoo, I suppose this forum works like most others, you might get better feedback if you post your story on your on thread. Glad to see you post on my thread though, thank you. If you open your own thread, I will try to find and follow it.

Evetoo, So sorry for the lose of your husband. It is a hard place to be in, aching for the arms of our husbands around us, feeling their protection. My husband did everything for me outside of the home. After the "change" a few years ago, I began to have anxiety disorders, sometimes now they feel like full on panic attacks. The idea of having to go to town, to do things for myself really sets me off. I did make it in town today for a few quick errands, but I was a nervous wreck before, trying to get ready and get out the door. I know each time I do this it will be easier, but I have to find some ways to deal with this anxiety, and I am looking into supplements and other things. Thank goodness for dogs! My two gave me lots of kisses last night as we were laying in bed! Hope your new apartment closer to your daughter is too your liking and works out. Once again, so sorry for your loss.

KayC, My husband had every test possible there was, to find out what was wrong with him, but it came too late to find out he had Histoplasmosis, as this is not an easily diagnosed thing. Yes, it was possibly there in his earlier reports, but would it have made any difference then? Not sure, as this fungal infection had probably been in him for a long time, and his body was shutting down for a long time before we even knew it, but we knew there was something wrong with him. I did everything I could to keep him alive, believing in miracles, long after the doctors advised me not to. I do not feel guilty in keeping him alive, as he was not in pain and I got to be with him a month longer than if I had listened to the doctor advising me to sign a DNR a few days before Christmas, as he felt he should not be intubated again, too much trauma and bleeding for him. I did not get a chance to talk with my kids about the DNR order, when my husband aspirated again, in the wee hours of Dec 26. He did fine having to be intubated again, and the kids and I, my Mom and his brother had him with us for another month. I did finally have to sign that DNR order, hardest thing I have done in my life. Those that have had to do that know what I am talking about. I find the hospital insurance billing unbelievable. Thank gooddness my husband had excellent health care coverage. Received the breakdown of charges and amounts covered from our insurance, from the first hospital he was in (the shorter stay). The hospital charged $257,562.88, our insurance only approved $29,104.46, at first when I read this, I almost went into a panic attack, but reading the hospital's bill that came the next day, the hospital waived $228,084.74!!! How can a hospital charge that amount, and then waive $228,084?? I do not get it. No wonder we have a health care crisis in the US!

Mary, Yes it is going to take me some time to come to grips with that report I found, if ever. In talking with my Mom on the phone tonight, I told her of this, and she just let out a big sigh, and "Ohhh". Who knows if finding this out some months earlier might have helped him, but maybe it could have. And maybe if he had done something earlier about the open sore on his leg earlier, we would have had results earlier than we did. They are all what if's, but in todays world of all the crazy infections and all, one can never be to careful. It is a big lesson for me and my family and I hope for a lot of others that know our story, to be so careful, of open, non healing wounds, not feeling well, tired, losing weight, etc, and to demand more from your doctors to get the answers. I wish we had found our answer early, as who knows how long he had the Histoplasmosis, probably before even the sore on his leg appeared in the spring. That is so sad to hear that Bentley went through so much sadness after your husbands death. I think a lot of us forget in this time how this affects our beloved furry family, but yet prior, we are so amazed by all they do, and are aware of all their antics and cuteness. They definately need to be acknowledged, reasurred and given special treatment during this mourning, after all, we treated them like our kids, prior, they need to be considered in our mourning after. I am going to give our mini schaunzer and pitt bull extra hugs tonight when they are cuddled up next to me in bed!

Thank you everyone for your words of comfort and sympathy. I still can not believe this is my life now. Some moments I accept it, and other times, like today, I just sat, for some time, thinking, this really hasn't happened to me has it? I just can not get a grasp on it yet. I can not believe he won't be walking in the door after work, him changing from his work clothes, and us doing the routine together of feeding our dogs and cat. The poor dogs seem to be as confused as I am. My emotions, I am sure they are all common, from sadness, to anger (from him leaving me), to hate (for the illness), to love, him not being able to ever see grandkids he may have, all the what ifs. The cycle seems to repeat itself every day. And then to possible guilt, I found one of his pathology reports from the state the other day. Back in the spring, summer, he had an ugly open sore on his upper thigh, groin area that would not heal (he did fail to reveal this to me or his doctor until it got very ugly). After two months of antibiotics, it had not healed, and was worse. The dermatoligst finally cut it out, and sewed it up, sending tissue samples to be tested. Results came back that he may have Leishmanisis, a very rare thing for the US, unless you have traveld abroad, which he had not. The infectious disease specialist doctor ruled that out. But what we failed to provide him with, was the actual report from the pathologist state report, that I just found, listed possible histoplasmosis. I about lost it, when I read that the other night, we could have known months earlier, what was one of his major reasons for his decline, and ultimate death. I may never get over that! Pumkin, your story makes me wonder if you are from my hometown, as I read in the newspaper of our home town some months ago, of a wife finding her husband in their driveway after dieing from a heart attack. So sorry for your loss. So sorry for everyones loss. It is a horrible club to have to join, but thankfully there is a place like this to be able to talk with people that understand. I just so wish I was in this so many months from now, or a couple of years.

Thank you all for your words of comfort and support. I know you all know how it is, tonight I just can't write anything, hurting too much tonight.

He lost his fight to live on Feb 1, 1013, after being in the hospital for two months. He was sick for months prior to that, but we did not know what was wrong with him, even with much testing. He could not eat, because he had sores in his mouth, and he started losing weight, at first it wasn't too noticible, but after a few months, we knew something was wrong with him. We went through this with him all of last spring and summer and into fall. He had some bioposies done on his throat in early Oct, didn't show anything, but they kept the cultures, to let them "grow". He went from being able to drive the few days before Thanksgiving to relatives, to me having to drive him home, and get him admitted in the hospital the next day. A few days after being in the hospital, tests results came back from his throat cultures a month prior, that he had a rather uncommon fungal infection, histoplasmosis (an airborne fungal infection from bird droppings), he also had genectic hemochromatosis, iron overload in the liver. The intial treatment of histoplasmosis, is a different antibiotic, very stong, and wasn't available in our home town. So my husband was transferred by ambulance Nov 30, to a bigger city, that could monitor him better and give him this antibiotic. Because his throat muscles were so weak, just after a few days, he aspirated, was blue, and had to have an emergency intubation, in CCU for more than a week. He went in and out of ICU during Dec. and Jan. His liver was failing, and the histoplasmosis had dissemenated to every organ and part of his body. The doctors told me early in Dec that he was not going to make it, but I refused to give up on him, and believed in the power of prayers and miracles. There were so many times the doctors said in Dec,, it is just going to be a few hours or days for him. But we had him until Feb 1. He could not talk because of his intubation tube and towards the end his trach tube, but we managed conversing, even as difficult and frustrating it was for him much of the time. My poor husband, in all this time, could not have a sip of water, nothing by mouth, and he was so miserable at times just begging for a few ice chips, but he was such a good patient. Between his liver failure and the histoplasmosis, going every where in his body, including the brain, it was hard on us at times, because his short term memory was gone, and we had to explain to him often, why he was in the hospital and what was happening to him. The day before Christmas, he begged to go home, for just 2 days, he even told me the doctor said he could (not). Unfortunately with his condition we had too many of these kinds of conversations. But there were so many times he would remember everything, so it was a weird up and down thing for us. In all this time of him being in the hospital, I was staying in a motel room, a few minutes away. The morning of Feb 1, while I was in the shower, (my cell phone always being close), I hear my phone ring and I knew it was not good. Sure enough, his blood pressure was dropping dangerously low. Got to his hospital room, and their were nurses and staff all around him, my Mom and I went to into the room and some lady, nurse or whatever, that we had never seen, tried to not let me in the room, to tell me to step outside for a moment, I was confused, thinking of obeying her orders, but my mom stepped in and said, no she wants to be by his side, and she just brushed this woman aside (thank you Mom!). If I hadn't have gone in there, when this nurse was not wanting me to, I would not have been able to say hello or goodbye to my husband, he was a bit aware when I saw him, told him I loved him, he mouthed the same, but he was taken to the ER room after, and I was not able to talk to him again, as he was unconcious. Fortunately our son was able to make it up, and was with me. There is nothing worse, than watching those darn monitors, which we did. We were watching them closely and knew it wasn't good, along with him being unconsious, with us around him, the heart rate monitor bleeped and stopped, the worst moment of my life! I will never be the same. My pain is so raw and new, sorry for the long post, but just needed to type it all out. Our son was with me to see his dad pass, but our daughter lives in another state, one of the worst phone calls I have ever had to make, to tell her, her Dad had passed. I dont know how to deal with this grief. Their is more to me about this, but like so many others before me, I am sure, I am just lost and numb, I still do not believe he is gone.