Cari

Marty, Thank you for posting this. Sometimes, I get angry, that I seem to be the only one to acknowledge what my mother is going through, since my dad passed away this Jan. My grandparents have checked out emotionally, & the rest of the family & friends act weird. I, too, feel many of those feelings that Sharon wrote about. In fact, it was weird, on my mom & dad's anniversary March 3rd, my husband & I took my mom to dinner. We felt that regardless of being sad, we still had to take her out & have fun, as my dad would have told us to do. I tried to comfort her by reminding her what my dad would say. While my mother was clearing out my dad's belonging, she happened to find an anniversary card that he hid in his underwear drawer. (unsigned, but ready to go, in case he made it). I made her display it with all the other cards. It was touching. Through all the tears, I was so happy that my dad was able to do that one last little surprise for my mom, & she was very appreciative of his thoughtfulness. I think having that one last card made it easier for her to get through the day, with it being such a short time since Dad passed away. I think everyone who is grieving needs to email that poem to their family & friends. Cari

Hi All, As I mentioned in a very long post...I have had recurring nightmares of my dad coming back from the dead. He is almost always lying in bed, in excruciating pain or unable to breathe (but w/o his oxygen tubes) with my mom bawling by his side. I am struggling for those "few more moments" that I desperately wished for, to talk to my dad again, only to know that he is suffering more...So I must tell him that it's ok to let go & that I love him. I think it's pretty straightforward. My dad was sick for 8 yrs with a lung disease. I know it's selfish to wish him alive, because he would be suffering longer. But it doesn't changed that I'm pissed that "God" (if he's listening or cares) would allow me to have such horrible dreams, when all I wanted was a few moments to see my dad at peace. I am very angry with it all. I don't need to sort out any damn feelings. I know full well what they are & what they mean. I just want to know that it will get easier & that my life will be happier & mean something again, someday. I am very analytical, & know & have read about the grief process & none of it helps. I have good friends & a wonderful husband (who lost a fiance), who have been there for me. Someone please tell me how to stop having these dreams & start feeling better. My dad would be so mad if he knew what a mess I have been. He wanted me to be happy. To all of you, I hope your journey has been easier than mine. You are in my prayers. Cari

Hi Hopsing, Today, my husband made me go to the cemetery with him, to see my dad's plaque in the ground. Dad's name in the ground was something I never wanted to see. He passed away Jan 3rd. Forgive my long post, I am just venting, since I never talk to anyone. But you are not alone. I think that no matter how much time you have, the selfish (replace selfish with "loving")part of you still wants more. No matter what you did/said, or how close you were, you still feel guilty for something. From personal experience, I had lots of time to prepare & cover all the bases, & spend time with my dad, but I still feel guilty, shocked, scared, depressed, etc. I fought so well, & thought I was doing well, with the strength my dad gave me. You see, he was sick for 8 yrs (& I grieved each thing he could no longer do). While he was sick, he was very adamant that my mother, brother, & I would be strong & not bawl over him. He said he knew we would be sad, but did not want us to sit around feeling sorry, because he had a happy life. He had pulmonary fibrosis, I believe, as a result of being a steelworker. He was only supposed to live 3 yrs. He survived a heart attack, quadrupal bipass, an unhealed incision that was re-opened twice, in addition to diabetes and various infections. With his fighting will, he walked & talked until his last day, although he should have been bed-ridden. Just 2 yrs ago, he put siding on my folk's house while carrying his oxygen, & helped my husband put 2 tiles in our bathroom floor, huffing & puffing the whole time. I lost my dad this Jan, & a few months later, lost my job. I knew I was on the verge of being fired, but carried my dad's fight with me & continued to work hard & do my best, since his fight was over. I thought if he could fight, so could I. I now blame myself for the emotions and exhaustion that may have "helped" me lose my job. I was "new" & thus had no rights, even if my boss expected me to do the impossible. I regret not being a better daughter or teacher, when I attempted to teach my dad to play the violin(something he always wanted to do), & he lost his strength to play. Maybe I wasn't good enough. Maybe I should have taught him a "faster" or better way. Maybe I don't have enough talent to be the star that my dad wanted me to be (I'm a musician). Now I have to figure out how to live my life without my dad, and again, what to do for a "career." I regret not having his grandchildren, though while Dad was sick, I thought it best not to add to the family stressors. I have been the strong one for my mom, always telling her how my dad wanted her to be tough, & see the world, and have fun. Little does she know, that I have had nightmares for the past month, & cry by myself daily. I don't talk to my friends or husband much, because I don't want to be a "downer" with my problems. So, I have plugged along for 7 months. The fear hit me all of a sudden...I am scared to death to live the rest of my life without my dad. I can't believe he is gone. I am afraid that I have already forgotten so much by blocking the pain. I feel like nothing that I ever do will really mean anything, & that I will never be happy again. I am afraid I will be a failure as a wife, mother, musician, or whatever else I decide to do...and God forbid if I do succeed at anything, my dad will not be here to see it. I thought I was healing, but all of a sudden, WHAM! I feel like it just happened. I had 8 wonderful yrs to bond with my dad, both of us forgiving & forgetting every wrong (he used to be very difficult). My dad became a different, wonderful person. I grew to love his annoying quirks. My Dad had a 7th grade education, & couldn't spell, yet kept 2 diaries of last wishes & words of love for everyone in my family, including my husband . He told me around Christmas that he didn't have long, yet he never gave up hope, that some f****** doctor would come through (he was turned down for a lung transplant, since they felt his "older" life wasn't worth saving with 2 lungs!) I was getting used to him being sick, & almost began to think that he would never die. All of these blessings & extra time, yet I feel like it wasn't enough. I have nightmares every night, that my dad came back from the dead, & is in excruciating pain, as I "get to talk to him again for that brief moment," so I have to tell him it is ok to let go. I thought after the first dream, I would have let go, & the dreams would stop, but it's getting worse. In summation, I have probably had one of the best situations as far as having a chance to say "I love you's," & what-not, but it doesn't make things any easier. I have learned that these feelings are normal. Unfortunately, I have always had self-esteem/depression issues. I just wish someone could tell me that I am not the failure I feel I am, & that I will be happy again, & it will get easier.