Hi,
I've never participated in an online forum before... so forgive my acknowledgement to potential "mannerisms" I do not follow.
There is a support group for grieving pets that meets once per month, but unfortunately, I am always obligated to be somewhere else...either work, school, or my internship. My point is, I am having such a hard time coping with the loss of my baby boy... Dexter. I am so desperate to see if other people may have experienced similar symptoms I am experiencing... and if they are, how they cope or did cope... and even to possibly hear from those that can prove that things do eventually turn back to normal.
I talked to Dexter when he was still developing in his mamma's stomach. I was there right after he was born, and when his eyes opened, and took him home as soon as I was allowed to. I got him when I was 18 years old. My baby boy. He was so much more than a dog, as I'm sure most of you can relate. He was my companion, my confidant, and my rock. He traveled all over the country with me... I hardly ever left him at home while I traveled. I swear he traveled to more states than the average American. He has always been relatively healthy throughout his life, besides some seasonal allergies. The past 8 months have been a nightmare. It all started one day when I noticed he had difficulty looking up at me. Instead of bending his neck upwards, he attempted to strain his eyes to see me. I immediately took him to the doctor to see what was up. Long story short, he was diagnosed with Intervertabrae disc disease. I kept him on steroids as needed. A month later I noticed when he was going potty a large red bulge coming out from his rectal area... I immediately took him to the doctor thinking it was a hernia or something...well it turned out to be cancer. Long story short... the cancer hadn't metastasized or spread anywhere else throughout his body. We paid to have it removed -- luckily, given the area, they were able to remove the tumor without having invasive surgery and instead were able to remove it fully another way (ill save you the details). How happy was I, my baby boy was cancer free. He was running around again, jumping, and giving me lots and lots of kisses every time I walked through the door. He was 8 years old at this time. I thought the nightmare was over.
Early this past December I noticed he developed a head tilt. His primary vet diagnosed a tumor on his shoulder and suggested it had spread to his brain. I took him to an oncologist/neurologist and he immediately denied all suggestions. He stated it is simply due to how much pain he is experiencing in his neck/shoulders... after Dexter began to decline we decided to have a MRI.
The MRI results indicated something nobody expected.....No bulging disc, No interverterbrae disc disease...
but, that there was a significant amount of fluid that had built up in his spinal cord. If anyone is familiar with this.. then you understand that when any kind of pressure is put on the menegies (sp), the stuff that surrounds your spinal cord... it is SEVERELY painful...
Long story short. there was so much damage to the spinal cord already that it was a 50% chance he would be paralyzed from the neck down if we attempted to drain the fluid... worse than that, the reason the fluid was in there in the first place was because it was simply the way his spine developed as a baby. there was nothing anyone could do about it, and no way any one would have picked up on it without having an MRI done. Since it was a structural problem... the fluid would have just returned...
My baby boy was in severe pain... to the point where he needed to be carried to his water bowl, down the stairs, in different spots to pee, and anywhere he needed to go. he was not able to stand without falling, and would rather pee on himself than tell me he needed to go potty.
I made the raw and crucial choice to put him down that day. I have in my entire life experienced such an overwhelming surge of guilt, pain, depression, and anxiety all at once. But I knew as his mother I would never let him suffer, not one more day.
It has been just about one month since his passing...I am still having severe panic attacks...I still cry just by simply thinking about him... I feel a loss and a sense of abandonment. When my boyfriend goes out of town... I lose it.. I have to go stay the first night with a friend because I will start feeling panic and anxiety. I will burst out in tears and absolutely not be able to concentrate on anything.
I am still able to manage my personal commitment to my own clients, my school, and my job... but I can tell I lack motivation, I lack the ability to cope with every day stress.. I am barely able to calm myself down...
I got Dexter cremated and he sleeps by my bed. I thought I would be able to spread his ashes.. but this attachment is to strong.. and I Feel as if I cant let go.
Does this feeling ever go away? Am I crazy? or is this just a part of grief?
I feel lost.
Please help.
