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Helena_d9

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Everything posted by Helena_d9

  1. Both of you are more than welcome! Without sounding too overdramatic, i'm not sure what i would have done without this forum. Its very hard to speak to family and friends about a situation they have no understanding of (and probably get sick of hearing about after a few months anyway) and to make sense of something that actually makes no sense at all. It was such a relief last year to have somewhere to go and to be able to write all my thoughts down and get some invaluable advice. I'm British so we don't gush very well () but from the bottom of my heart, thank you to everyone who responded to my post - especially you KayC! You are such a strong person to have gotten through so much and i have the upmost respect and gratitude for the time and effort you put into this forum and helping people. I honestly wish the very best for you and if anyone deserves to be happy then it truly is you. Thank you for everything. As i said, i just wanted to come back and say that no matter how low people are feeling and how hopeless everything seems, it is possible to make it to the other side of this horrible situation, no matter what the circumstances are (because someone you love who is pushing you away and doesn't want to be with you through grief is never easy) and it is possible to be happy (if not happier) eventually. I used to search and search for happy ending stories where people got back together and i couldn't entertain the thought of me and my ex never being a couple ever again - after all, when you know you've met the right person, you know (even if you've been together a short time). I just happened to have found a completely different happy ending than i originally thought and with someone else. I've learnt so much and i am now with the sweetest, loveliest, kindest man (with a very sexy edge!) and i'm looking forward to seeing what the future holds. And in typical fashion, i found him when i wasn't looking and through friends - technically we should have met a long time ago with the people we have in common but i like to think the timing just wasn't right Anyone who is reading this, it will get better i promise. It takes time and a lot of tears, confusion, unhappiness, numbness, anger, loneliness and quite a few ups and downs but it'll all work out fine in the end. Good luck to everyone on here! XXXXX
  2. Hello All, Hope everyone is ok and doing well. I just wanted to check in because i always remember when i was on here and trying to work through everything, there never seemed to be any posts that came to a conclusion - whether it was a happy ever after or people moved on. Firstly let me clarify that i still haven't heard a thing from my ex since a brief text conversation over 6 months ago. It was the 1st anniversary of his mother's death and funeral this past December and although i wanted to just tell him that i hoped he was ok, i knew it was the wrong thing to do. Admittedly there has been a few times when i've had a little bit too much to drink and i wanted to call or text him but fortunately the sensible part of my brain kicks in and i think about the fact that this is how he wanted it and he has lots of other people to turn to if he needs to. Secondly, i have actually met someone. I have never been a jumper from one relationship to the next and i was extremely pessimistic that i would ever meet anyone ever again - my heart was broken, i thought i would be alone and hurting forever! But, 8 months after being pushed away and dumped by my ex - i am the happiest i have been in a very long time. I can now look back on me and my ex without the rose tinted spectacles. Being with my new boyfriend for the last couple of months have made me realise what relationships should be like. That it should be fun and exciting, that you should be able to turn to them if need be and that you support each other. Admittedly i tried to date after my ex but after one guys dad died shortly after, i was starting to feel like the grim reaper of parents!!! John (my lovely new boyfriend) actually lost his uncle not so long ago and i could feel myself panic that it was going to happen again, that not only had someone close to a boyfriend had died again but that he was going to turn on me like my ex and it was all going to fall apart. Apparently some people don't turn into a nasty piece of work when they lose someone close....who knew?! I haven't written this to rub anything in or to show off about how happy i am now, i've simply written it because i can remember feeling like there was no hope after me and my ex had split up. There was no closure, i couldn't understand what was happening or why he was being like he was when i'd been his main support and did everything i could for him during such a horrible time, and i honestly thought that Christmas, New Year, Valentines Day, my Birthday and all the other 361 days of the year were going to be sad, lonely and utterly depressing. I went from being so upset and heartbroken to a walking zombie and now i can hand on heart say that it was worth it. I now know that i didn't deserve how i was treated, i know what i am capable of in terms of supporting someone and i'm proud that i never walked away. I had completely forgotten what relationships were supposed to be like when they are good and even if me and my current boyfriend break up, i know i'll be fine and that i can get through most things. I really hope that getting everything off your chest on here helps - remember it being such a relief to be 100% honest on this forum about how i was really feeling without fear of being judged or thought of as weak and/or selfish. I can't believe i'm writing this but things will actually turn out ok in then end, even if it doesn't feel like it :-) Xxxxx
  3. I know and i understand that people may think that it's a selfish way of looking at it because 'they are grieving, have a heart' but it's not ok to treat the ones who have stuck by you like they have. In my case he turned mean and angry and everything was my fault because as i think i've mentioned before 'he was fine before he met me'....yes huni, you also had a mother who was still alive and hadn't collapsed and found two days later and then diagnosed with terminal cancer before you met me! He said he was fine, acted fine with everyone else but was just a complete douche to me. You make allowances, you help and support them, you discover a patience you never thought you had and commit to them and stand by them.....and then they f*ck you over and f*ck off! I think i'm just having a bad day because i'm moving house next weekend which is stressful and because the day i move would have been our anniversary (sods law!) I'm packing everything up and of course coming across things that have been hidden away and i'm leaving a flat with so many memories (which is a good thing obviously) and it's sad that he has no idea or that i'm not moving with him as originally planned because he has completely cut me out for the last couple of months. Very frustrating, and actually quite hurtful. And i thought i was past the rollercoaster stage but i guess with no real closure that is expected. x
  4. Hello I couldn't help but pop up again and throw in my two pennies worth but just wondering whether you still had her unblocked from things? I know curiosity can be a killer sometimes and you want to know what they are up to, or think 'why should i care if they see what i'm up to' but i really think having them out of your life properly i.e. no contact and no access to their profiles is the only real way to move forward and give yourself some time and space to get through things. I've done the block, unblock, block and unblock and out of sight and out of mind has helped me. Just a thought x
  5. What i would have given/give to receive an explanation that would help me say 'enough wondering' and put it all to bed but i think the only sure thing about these situations is that we probably won't ever get an explanation. It's been just over 3 months since we broke up and i think about 2 months of hearing literally nothing from him. I know he's been back for gigs and things, i know he probably will have to come back in the future to deal with the house and the belongings that are still there after we packed everything up but i know that he hasn't and probably won't be in touch. It's hard because you have to force yourself to move on because there is zero 'closure' (hate that word ) and because i am hurt and mad at the fact that he thinks so little of me and our relationship that he continues to act like i was never there - even though he did the proposing and chasing and love declaring. It's so selfish and mean to treat someone who stuck by you and supported you like that and when you feel particularly low on the odd occasions, you have no answers to help yourself with. I like to think of him as weak and pathetic when i'm feeling particularly annoyed but he's not so weak he isn't enjoying his life without me and acting like everything is great. x
  6. Quick add on... I've just read your thread Louisajane and realised that although the 'supporting a grieving person' doesn't apply to your situation, there is still a fine a line between sticking around for a confused guy and becoming a doormat...but you will also be ok no matter what happens. x
  7. Hello Louisajane, i'm so sorry that you are in a situation that means you are on here. I live in the UK too and i know how helpful this place was for me! The trouble with the above sentence is that understandably you don't want to cut ties and you aren't going 'no contact' by doing this. You are holding on to the hope that he'll get in touch and every time he does i think it prolongs the pain - trust me i know! You've done the right thing in not letting him help you with the new house but i think you now need space and time away from him properly and fully. He sounds like someone who doesn't know what he wants and don't you deserve someone who knows that you are what they want? x
  8. Hello, I keep checking in to see how everyone is getting on and just wanted to say that KayC is so right. I think the thought of stepping back scared me half to death because you are so worried that they'll move on, you'll be forgotten about, they'll find someone new but if you can allow yourself to think in a slightly common sense sort of way (which is extremely hard) then if they are suffering grief, those are the last things on their mind, so you need to step back, secure in the knowledge that it's not about them meeting someone, it's about them sorting their head out and giving the relationship a chance which you can't happen if there's no room to breath or let things happen. As much as you want to, you can't control what happens. The fact that your guy wants to stay in touch Louisajane sounds really encouraging but there's a fine line between being there and supporting them, and allowing them to just see you or just pick you back up when they feel like it. My ex has proved himself to be a douche through and through so i have a different viewpoint to people who are supporting someone who is genuinely grieving and can't help what is going. It's coming up to around 3 months since we broke up and maybe 6 or 8 weeks of complete silence from him. as though i never existed or never supported him and we were never together which is quite hard to move on from when you have no 'closure'. I don't know what will happen with you and your situation but if the thought of the worst case scenario and you having to move on is frightening then please know that you will be ok. I know you don't want to think about it and it may not end up that way but looking back, i'm surprised how ok i am. I was sort of 'engaged' to my ex, he was going to move and we were talking about where to live, he had a job interview for here etc so it was serious and i loved him but that horrible sick feeling i had for every waking minute of the day has gone and i can actually have fun and be happy now without it being fake or forced so just wanted to say that whatever happens you will be ok because i'm sure at the minute you're all over the place, having no idea what will happen and i know how horrible that is! x
  9. Hello Jenna, I couldn't help but reply to this! I genuinely think hope can be the cruelest thing ever sometimes. As you said, even when all reason is gone, it's hope that keeps you from being able to move on in the situations that we all find ourselves. I don't think you can stop yourself from hoping so maybe it is another part of naturally moving on. Don't get me wrong, hope can also be an amazing thing, but for now i think of hope as that little cruel voice telling me when i'm feeling low or missing him sometimes that my ex will/could come back to me. Very annoying x
  10. Just wanted to say that Pollara that is exactly how i felt, still do a little bit because i still haven't got a proper ending so having to make myself move on. I was so scared that if i even thought about moving on and if i actually did then he would come back and then it would be too late and how would we be able to be together again..... But i felt like that because i wasn't ready to move on, because i was still in the first stages of a break up and now that doesn't scare me so much because i'm starting to move on naturally. Like anything it takes time and eventually you'll be ok. We'll all be ok because we were strong enough to stick by them and support them, they just weren't intelligent enough to hold on to a good thing so more fool them. If there's justice and karma then i know i won't be the lonely one in the end or end up regretting my behaviour and actions. It's a shame really but it means that either they aren't the ones for us, or they aren't the right ones for us right now. Personally i think it's the former....i don't particularly want a coward who hides away from things when it gets tough. Because of how they have acted and because of how they have behaved, i don't know if you could ever not be scared that if something like this happens again, will they not just act the same and push us away? Do you want a relationship with someone who runs away or could potentially run away again? Loyalty is high on my list of priorities and i feel like if i'm loyal, i should get it back and i really haven't throughout this. x
  11. Hello, thank you for your lovely words! It is all very exciting and i think it's a fresh start so desperately needed! I remember being so scared to let go of limbo and not even being slightly ready to move on. Due to the circumstances and the fact that it has been complete silence for a long time i'll be very surprised if i don't hear from him again but for now i'm living my life, not living as a stopgap until he come back like i think i was doing, but living my life to move on. Like i still miss him, but i think i miss what we had, not him as a person because who he was really at the end didn't deserve me or the support i gave him for months. Pollara i really am so sorry you've joined the ranks but i hope everything works out ok in the end. You come across as a very tough cookie so i'm sure you'll be fine! Plum i think only you know your own limits, you are the only one who knows him and knows when enough is enough. I knew i had to come to an end at some point on my own, and whilst i'm not completely over him, it came naturally so hang on in there until enough is enough and you know you can't do it any more. Kayc thank you so much for your help and kind words. I can imagine you've seen hundreds of people and can see exactly how things will turn out. I know when i read other people's new stories that i can relate and remember how it wasn't so long ago i was the same. I've been using the site less because i don't want what has happened to be the main focus in my life anymore. I hope it's ok if i occasionally pop on and see how you are all doing and let you know how things are with me. I'm still worried about the concert which is now next week and if he'll get in touch but until then screw him Grief only excuses so much. If you love someone i think you stick by them and help them but if they won't accept that help, or don't stop trying to be this new, changed and in my case horrible person then what can you do? You're not responsible for other people's happiness, just like the griever isn't responsible for your happiness. I never thought i'd be at this stage because i think i was scared that if i let go it meant it was over and there was no hope. But he made it like this not me. I've lost a couple of friends through it all because they were selfish or had ulterior motives to being my shoulder to cry on. I've also lost the person i thought i'd spend the rest of my life with but i am so much stronger for it. I functioned throughout it all and i can now look forward to meeting someone who i deserve, i can buy a house with them, maybe even get married and have a family and it'll be the right person for me. As i keep saying i still care about him and i'm not completely over him but i can see a future without him which i never could before. I really hope everything works out ok for you all and thank you so much for all your help. I don't think you realise how much of a relief it was to turn to people who understood...or maybe you do, because we are all in the same boat Best of luck!!!!!!! x
  12. Hello everyone! I'm so sorry for the silence but i've had a lot on my plate. Not only am i having to deal with the whole break up and moving on but my flatmate got a job in London so i've had a panic of what to do, where to live and lots of house viewings! It was just something else to deal with but i've found a gorgeous house and a huge room with 2 lovely girls who i think may end up becoming friends...quite exciting really! So the word that can summarise my situation and my ex is complete and utter silence. I think i told you how after a couple of week of not hearing anything from him and silence, i caved and texted asking how he was and he responded in silence. It's now been a few weeks since i texted and still.....silence! What an absolute d**k!!!!! I still find it bewildering that after everything he thinks silence is ok, especially since our last real conversation on the phone was about me saying that i don't have the answers but if we care about each other and love each isn't that a good place to start....i never did get an answer! I've been going on dates but they just aren't of any interest. Yes they aren't him but they also aren't people i want to be with anyway. I've never been a rebounder person jumping from one relationship to the next so i won't be starting now...although i am of the firm belief being single does not mean you have to be celibate I'm quite excited about the new start, getting away from memories and my old flat and starting new ones but it's sad that i'm not moving because he's moved to the UK which is what we originally planned. I still wonder whether he'll get in touch this month about the concert in my home town or whether he'll still be going and yes i miss him but it's not entire body consuming anymore. I genuinely laugh now and i genuinely feel happy. I think a part of me still thinks he'll get in touch (just my gut feeling) and maybe he'll come crawling back but the idea of getting on with my life in the meantime isn't quite so scary anymore. Anyhow...how is everyone. I'm so sorry to hear about your situation Pollara and i hope everything is still hopeful for you Plum? And it's lovely to see your still keeping everyone sane Kayc :-) Hopefully hear from you all soon! x
  13. It sucks with how it is If you do try and get answers at a time like this will you also be able to believe what he is saying or think it's down to grief? The trouble at a time like this is what are their real thoughts and feelings and what is down to grief and if they don't even know, then how will we. x
  14. It does take more in a love relationship and it can't be one sided all the time...a fact i think i need to learn at the minute. I know this is a hard time for them etc but you can't keep taking from people and give nothing back. You support them when the first find out about their parent, you support them when they are looking after them, you support them at the funeral and after and then they turn around and cast you aside. Then they mess with your head, pick you up when they feel like it, give you mix signals, ignore you, call you huni and then disappear again. You relent because you love them and get in touch and then they ignore you again? I think i would probably close myself off a little if i had to go through the same thing but i know i would turn to my loved one. x
  15. Yesterday night i had an extremely low and weak moment. I just spend most of the day trying to get through work etc and then try and go to the gym at night which usually helps but for some reason it didn't last night and so i gave in and text him. I don't know whether what you asked Plum about why i wasn't getting in touch with him first made me think or whether it was just a low moment after 12 days of not hearing from him but i text him and just said: Hello, how are you? x And i haven't gotten a single thing in response. Maybe my x isn't going through anything, maybe he just likes messing with life and giving me hope and taking it away. Maybe he really doesn't give a damn anymore and i'm a fool for still caring. Last i checked you don't treat people you love like this no matter what the situation. What is it going to take for me to believe it's over and that we are done so i can move on. At the minute not a single part of me believes it's over (despite actions supposedly speaking louder than words) so i'm just stuck in limbo not moving anywhere and just feeling low. Sorry to hear about what your guy said Plum about not knowing if he's forgiven you for last time. If you are able to have d&m chats still then i would say prove him wrong, sounds like you have hope at least. x
  16. I'm not sure....you know him better than anyone so do you think you will get a truthful answer given the situation. And will you be able to handle it if he gives you an answer that you may not like? x
  17. I think the dream of a future with them is perhaps the hardest thing to let go. I keep suffering from flashes of all the good times and that horrible sinking feeling in my stomach when i think of the future that we know longer have. Not just the big stuff like a house, car, life etc but little things like our anniversary in 3 months, the concerts next month (which i still don't know if he'll get in touch about since one of them is in my hometown)...it's all just really sad. I do understand completely though what you mean Pollara about questioning his character. In my case it has shown a side to him that i never knew existed and it is selfish and it is cruel. I think we only know the answers in our own individual situations as to if we can trust them again but i know that i am questioning that too. I mean what happens if we get back together and another difficult hurdle happens, will he just pull away again? Will he be able to support me if i went through the same thing? I've been feeling like a really weak person because this has been getting to me so much but then a friend said something that made me really think about the fact that i was strong enough to support him throughout his mum, i was strong enough to stick out the miserable feelings of him being angry and pulling away after....and all he has done is run away like a coward. I'm not happy at the fact that he is getting to me so much but i know i am the worlds worst person at pretending i'm fine when i'm not. Maybe i'm on my high horse a little bit but maybe we should be a little bit proud of the fact that we aren't so weak as to just give up something straight away when we care so much and have put so much into something. I just hope that if my situation continues i am able to give up and move on. x
  18. I think if he's initiating conversation Pollara it's all quite positive. He obviously wants to talk and is keeping you in his life which is good and encouraging. As frustrating as it is if you still care and want to be with him at some point then you'll just have to keep responding to these weird messages when and if they come. My lovely x is now on the 12th day of not getting in touch.....this really is so much fun x
  19. Hello, I honestly feel like i can't. If there's any hope of getting back together he has to realise how he has treated me and just acknowledge or deal with what has been going on. I feel like he has to come to understanding on his own. I've been so available to him throughout everything and as i should have been with what he had to deal with and if he has time to think then maybe he'll come to some understanding if he has the space to think. I tried to open up the last time we spoke properly and said that i don't have the answers about the future but that if we love each other then isn't that a good starting point to take things slowly. 8 hours later he replied and all he could say was that it has given us both a lot to think about. He still hasn't acknowledged anything and it's now the 12th day of hearing nothing. He's being so cruel and treating me horribly and i can't cave and be a doormat to him. I let so many things go throughout the relationship and i'm unwilling to go running back. If he loves me, if we are supposed to be together he'll get in touch with me. It's the only way things can move forward right now successfully. I just don't get why i still care. After how he's treated me, not being in touch, when he does he called me huni or agreed i was lovely and amazing too and then goes silent again. Why aren't i angry at how he's being or moving on yet. I'm still in limbo and i don't know if i need to go through all this so then i do end up hating him and so i can move on. I have done nothing but be there for him and in all honestly he's hardly an adonis (to me he was but i loved/love him) so it's hard to understand what the hell he's doing. It still doesn't feel done and i hate that it doesn't. I think i remember Plum you saying something about having no hope if my situation is 5 months on. My x didn't deal with what was happening (probably still isn't) which is why 5 months it all came to head. He's seems incapable of talking or with dealing stuff and was probably in denial so all the emotions people seem to go through after a loss, i think he buried and because of that i'm in the situation i'm in now. Your guy seems to be more open so don't worry...i don't think the situation and how bad it is now will continue forever. x
  20. They broke up because of the baby they lost and because they just stopped being i love i think. If they get back together then good luck to her but it would be a little bit pathetic from my point of view. They've lived on the same island together for years until recently when she left and moved back to the UK so distance wasn't a factor. They haven't been together for a couple of years so it's not really a worry, just paranoid thoughts due to me not knowing what the hell is going on with me and him. He hasn't been in touch again for a week now, such a selfish sod! I'm not doing too bad to say it's been a month since we broke up but admittedly i still miss him and he is still all i think about so maybe not that good lol but i'm getting through each day without a break down so that's a plus! Btw just to clarify with the What If thing i said..i meant more that i think things through. As in with this situation i'm in, i think about what happens if in a few months i he comes back or what if he doesn't and if i was in his situation i'd be thinking about the outcomes and what happens if in a few months you realise you've screwed up and lost something good etc. I make sure i'm clear on a decision and all outcomes before i let go of things. x
  21. honest and open chat about the situation*
  22. I think your situation is so different, especially to mine Plum. He's tried to explain what is going on with him and you've both been able to have an honest and open situation. Plus you've been through so much and have so much history , and you said yourself he is the most unselfish guy ever, so even though only you really know what is the right thing to do, i don't see any harm in contacting him. I only say this because you have said what a nice guy he is but be careful not be too pushy with it, you sound like you are keeping it light and that you are aware of not going overboard by leaving it a day or two before texting again, but i've read a few times about things being taken the wrong way and feeling pressured. I'm still of the opinion that my ex is a bit of a d*** at the minute which is why i'm not contacting him. I gave so much throughout the whole relationship, he had me entirely and now he's acting like this so it's for more own protection...and because i'm stubborn x
  23. Haha i agree KayC...i'm not that open either! So i haven't heard from him again all week and there is no chance (no matter how low i've felt) that i will get in touch. I've been up and down and trying to get through each day which is why i haven't been on lately....just trying to not to make my whole life about him and how he's making me feel. I had a bad day yesterday when i flicked to June on my calendar to write a couple of things in and i saw that he had written a couple of gigs that we had tickets for. One of them is in my hometown so it'll be interesting to see whether he gets in touch about them or even goes...or asks me a couple of days before to go with him to the hometown gig and have somewhere to stay! But i managed to somehow get past it and have a nice night at the theatre and in other news the guy i was supposed to go on a date with is back in touch although i'm getting the feeling that things with his dad are quite bad so i'm trying to be careful with that and not get into another situation like this but i have been asked out by another guy so Plum i think i'm going to go and start living my life just so i know that i don't have to be in limbo forever. Trouble is my ex did know about the date last week (but that got cancelled) and for all he knew it went ahead and that didn't seem to shake him out of this. Him and his ex have always stayed friends because they were before but there was something a bit odd about her behaviour when i came on the scene and it never felt right. She ended up moving back to the UK a few months ago from Jersey so if they do get together then she'll be moving back or he'll be moving to the UK...the thing he can't do for me. I'm aware this is all crazy thoughts and paranoia but when you haven't got a clue of what is going on, you tend to come to your own crazy conclusions! I just want to stop hurting and feeling low and i think i may be starting to recognise all the things he lacked. I'm still not anywhere near ok but i'm functioning and as much as it hurts how he has treated me and how it feel like he just doesn't care for me anymore, i want to be able to be happy so i'm having an optimistic day of trying to get through this. I'm still baffled by the idea we won't end up together but his behaviour at the moment is far from ok. I still think about him before i go to sleep and first thing in the morning but at the moment he doesn't deserve my pain. Anyway how is everyone doing? I read the thing about your ex calling you 'baby' KayC...are the male species just bonkers?! Pollara have you heard anything else? How are things going with you Plum? x
  24. Maybe they are like that but i'm not so sure with mine. He is flip flopping too but it's alos like he gets his fill, makes sure i'm still there and then disappears for a few days of no contact and then come back with the most pointless text and no explanation. Maybe mine does flip flop but flip flops from being a d**k to being even more of a d*** x
  25. Let's hope we all find someone like that! x
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