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I feel sick when I wake up-realizing he is not beside me in bed. For those who have been there for me I apologize for disappearing. I retreated into myself. I was selfish-not something I haven't heard before, but I truly am sorry. I have missed being here more then I realized till now. I started a new full time job a few months ago. Socially it was and still can be sressful, but good for me. I have missed everyone here. Not being here made me fully appreciate how special this place really is. There is no price for people who truly understand your pain. I have thought of you often and hope you are all doing as well as you can be. Feel free to message me here or in private. Not going to disappear again still struggling very much, but grateful I can still come here ♥♥ This is Zoe my baby. Not to replace Luna by any means, but my sweet girl

My love, heart, body, and soul will always belong to only you MM! I miss you so very much. Kocham Cie MM-always and foreve and eve-your KJ

I would love to work in a vet's office. It takes a lot of schooling though. I've looked into it many times. Right now i feel too broken to do much other then the few visits i have. Thanks for the idea though. It would be very like me

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone here for being there for me when i first came here. Your words of care and concern were very heart warming. From the bottom of my still broken heart i thank you all-Kay, Fae, Mary, Anne, Jan, Stephen....everyone. i wish you all nothing but peace, happiness, and love. Take good care of yourselves and know i will be forever grateful for your kindness Kristen

hugs typing your email now

No you don't Kay-ok maybe a little, but i like it

I sent you a PM bit closer to your age-37 though all the people here are great

I was thinking that after i asked you that. Maybe they don't miss us cause they are always with us even if we don't feel it. I've been so focused on that night and us working on things that i haven't thought about all the good times. I remember him saying to me one time "how come when we disagree you think it's over? It's like it's easy for you to just forget how much i love you. That doesn't just change. No matter what happens to us". Thank you Kay for making me remember that

Do you think they miss us?

Kay I have to say i did a double take when i saw Chris and Kristen-my ex husband's name. Weird anyway, i know overall there are the basic obvious answers as to why, but just sucks to be blunt and sometimes (at least for me) it helps to vent. When you said how George won't be happy with the way things turned out-i've been thinking about that too. Marcus would not be ok with the way i was treated, but then again i don't think he's too happy with me right now. I get that people get frustrated and maybe even annoyed with me at times, but if they stopped to think how it is for us-guess that's why they rather not deal. Sad really.

Dear Anne Thank you so much for your comment-made me smile and that picture is beautiful. Marcus would've liked it too. Thank you. I hope you are having a nice day :)

I agree Kay. Anytime i feel a bit motivated to get something done i feel it's MM "kicking my butt"

Hi Linda I'm so sorry i didn't see this till now. Thank you for your advice. Saying no is something i too am now learning to do. You sometimes have to, right? Thanks again

I think that's awesome that you were able to go back and listen and want to help others. I'm sure it felt great

Thank you Marty i read that already.

Also the "i don't want to do this anymore"? I say it everyday to Marcus. We were supposed to be doing lifetogether. A new start for both of us-real love-healthy relationship.

Pat I don't know exactly how you feel, but what you have described that is how i'm feeling. It's only been a little over 2 months for me. The first month i was up and down, but never like this. It's like it's setting in that Marcus is really gone. I to have a love of wine. Lately i have been drinking to ease the pain. I read the articles and go to therapy, but i still feel lost-doing stupid things. I was going threw a divorce too when i met the man i have always dreamed of. We really were so good together. I never really believed you could find someone that you connected with on every level. That's what we did. Being held-getting hugs even if not emotional is a big deal. I don't get those anymore. My therapist is a female and she gives me a hug once a week, but that's it. People will say "surround yourself with family and friends that love and support you" ok that is great advice if-if you have them! I don't. I often ask Marcus to come get me-hold me. No suicide is not the way to go. To feel him hold me again....to have anyone care enough to let me cry in their arms till i can't cry anymore-just listen.... May not be too much help from me, but you are not alone in your thinking-well what you've described. I can ramble too i also find your candor? (Not a good speller)refreshing. Kristen

That's a great idea! I did that with my phone and my tablet. I love being able to see MM smile. I'm glad it's working for you

I didn't have close to as many years with MM (Marcus), but we were still madly in love with eachother and would never tire of talking. We would go on for hours and hours. I talk to him all the time and sometimes laugh when i can see or hear his reaction to something stupid i do. I ask him questions and tell him good morning and good night like we used to.

I will read them tomorrow. I completely forgot you shared them with me i have been such a mess, but very grateful for you sharing that time again. Thank you

I know it's been a while since you've written this, but i just read it. Saw it's your birthday-Happy Birthday Also i agree with you about society and platitudes. I am sorry about your father. I do hope you enjoyed your day as best you could with your family. Kristen

Chris, I am so sorry about Your Paula Though it's not by far a pleasant topic i am glad to hear someone feels the same as i do about the platitudes. It gets frustrating and depressing and (you are right) lonely at times. I find most of the time. It's been just over 2 months for me. If anything things have gotten worse. I think in the back of my mind i thought he was still here-somewhere on this earth. Now everything hits me hard at the strangest times. Though our stories are different we both lost our loves. If you ever want to talk i'm here. The silence can be deafening at times-even with the tv on or in a crowd of people. Marcus is not there-he's not waiting for me at home.... I don't mean to upset you or anyone here. There are good people out there that care like people here, but there are also those that at times i just want to screem at(very unlike me by the way:)) Just know if you want to talk-i'm here Kristen

I hope you wete able to have a nice day yesterday with lots of good/happy memories

Chinook I am so sorry for your loss and pain. My heart goes out to you. I have had 5 ferrets 2 dogs and 2 chinchillas. Each death was painful, but impacted me differently. I miss all of my little ones greatly, but like you with Chinook i had my Remmie. She was my shadow girl. I don't know your exact pain, but have the pain of still missing her greatly. I was closest to her and my chinchilla Spritie. Only lossing my partner/the love of my life was worse. I didn't know how to carry on or get closure after they were gone. I personally believe that there is a safe beautiful place for everyone-including animals that they go to after their bodies die. I am not a religious person, but i can see how you would feel so torn. People here do give great references to articles and such and i hope those are some help to you. Your Chinook is with you. We don't have to completely let go of them. I haven't and now i am able to smile at pictures and memories of them. It's hard when people you love and trust go against what you may feel, but feel it. Believe it. You'll be with them again

I was heart broken to hear this news, but glad you both are there to make sure she gets the help she needs. I feel terrible for her and all of your family. It's good you can stand together as best you can at this time. Speaking from experience please do keep a close eye on Shannon and listen to her when she tells you things. Even things you may not at first believe. When i was admitted i was at a complete loss and i got ignored and just given lots of meds. By no means am i saying you would allow that to happen to Shannon or the place she's at is like that or bad-just keep your eyes open. I'm sure this will only help Shannon. I just wanted to share incase you've never been down this road before. I am truly sorry to all of you who have been through so much pain. I will be lighting a candle tonight for Shannon and all of her family.