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mbkubitz

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About mbkubitz

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    Member

Previous Fields

  • Date of Death
    09/30/09
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    NA

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  • Your gender
    Female
  • Location (city, state)
    Castro Valley, CA

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  1. I lost my 4-year-old daughter in 2009. At the time, her brothers were 8,9 and 10-years-old. In the years since they've celebrated me on Mother's Day, but I've continued to feel guilty because Mother's Day became an incredibly sad occasion for me in the wake of their sister's death. Last year, I wrote an open letter to them on my blog. It resonated with many bereaved mothers and siblings, so I decided to share it again...this time via Open to Hope. While I wrote this for my surviving children, I think it applies to everyone who not only lost a sibling...but lost the mother they once knew in the
  2. If there is a silver lining for me after the death of my daughter, it would be that I've learned to better appreciate the little things in life and to live more authentically and fully. I saw a video shared on Facebook today that brought me to (happy) tears and captures what I now understand to be the most important aspect of life. I wanted to share it with all of you. As a disclaimer, it is a 3 minute advertisement for a Thai life insurance company, but that is not the focus of the video. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uaWA2GbcnJU
  3. My understanding of what "Life after Life" means to me has certainly shifted over time. No matter what I believed then or now...everyone's belief is their own and no one is right or wrong since the fact remains that we can never know until death happens to us. Our beliefs are shaped by our personal experiences and are therefore as unique as snowflakes. I'll paste an article I wrote about my transformation of my beliefs about death last year... For most of my life, I feared death. As a child, if I let myself wonder about what happens when we die, I would end up in a state of panic and have
  4. Thanks for starting this thread. I have recently become more interested in my dreams and the meanings behind them. I will admit that when my daughter, Margareta, died, I was very disappointed that I wasn’t dreaming about her. I would sit in support groups listening to other people say that they would have long conversations with their deceased loved ones in their dreams on a regular basis. I can count on one hand the number of dreams that Margareta has been in within the last 4-1/2 years after her death, and she's only spoken three short words in one of them. Thankfully, only one of these drea
  5. 4 years, 42 years, 100 years - I don't think there is a day that will ever go by that we don't think of the children we lost, and remembering the day we lost them will always be hard. And like you, in my mind my daughter will always be the age she was when she died (4), though I sadly wonder what she would have been like now or in the future. I'm glad you have had the joy of watching your other children grow. I have four boys - one born after my daughter, Margareta, died - and they are my saving grace. I'm so sorry you had to lose your dear Kevin Dale. You are in our thoughts. Maria
  6. I've been thinking a lot lately about how my efforts over the last few years of learning how to recognize what I can and can't control in life seems to recently be showing some fruits of my labors. It really took the death of my daughter to get me to this point, and in hindsight I now understand why. I wrote about it on a grief support site I manage (www.aliveinmemory.org) and wanted to share with all of you in case it might help anyone. Maria Grief and the Loss of Control Possibly one of the hardest aspects of grief for me has been that I can’t control it. I spent the majority of
  7. Thank you for sharing this Mary. It really resonates, as I have always had difficulty recieving - and still do. Chalk it up to a lifetime of distancing myself from others for fear of getting even more hurt than I already felt - and never properly grieving the emotional losses I felt throughout my life (I still haven't). When my daughter died, for the first time ever I felt compelled to seek out and receive support because I felt completely helpless in an alien world. I could barely take care of myself, much less my surviving children. The devastation of losing her was like having a natural
  8. Thank you for all these great articles and ideas. I've never been a fan of New Year resolutions because they never worked and just made me feel worse about myself. Recently, I read an article about focusing on how to change habits rather than goals that were too big and vague. Combined with my memory of the first New Year after the death of my daughter, it inspired me to write an article, "Looking for Hope in the New Year". Small, baby steps to inspire new, healthy habits when faced with overwhelming grief.
  9. Thank you all for your kind words. It has gotten much better since I first posted this. I wrote it when I was in the depths of the "sinkhole" you talk about and couldn't find which was was up. I managed to get out with support and have continued to march forward. I personally get much of my healing through wiritng, and have created a site, http://www.aliveinmemory.org, where I write about grief and memories of my daughter. Her birthday was this past Sunday. I wrote a letter to her, as I did on last year's birthday. I didn't have any idea of what I wanted to say when I started writing it, but w
  10. While I know that the pain and grief from losing a child will last the rest of my life, I had gotten to a point where I felt like maybe the worst of it was over. But over the last 3-4 months, the intensity has slowly grown again to the point where I decided I needed to go back on anti-depressants just to get through the necessities of every day life without breaking down constantly or getting so overwhelmed and frustrated that I lash out at people who don't deserve it and are in fact my biggest supporters (my childen, husband, and co-workers). I have tried to write about it to help get through
  11. My daughter drowned in our pool coming up on four years ago. One of her brothers, now 11-1/2 was at home when it happened. He has always been a "sensitive" kid - very shy and introverted, and has always had night-time fears since even before she died. He told me this past weekend that ever since his sister died, he's been scared that he will die young as well. I tried reassuring him the best I could think at the time. I told him the odds of something bad happening to him were incredibly small. He's adamant that he does not want counseling (he went to a six week class for bereaved kids after he
  12. Marty, you have my permission to reprint it. Knowing how difficult this journey is, it gives me some solace in the idea that I can help others along their path by sharing my experience so far. Maria
  13. This fall will be four years since my daughter died suddenly. Even though our grief-fearing and pain-avoiding society seems to feel that I should have "moved on" long ago, I still struggle with it daily. Thankfully I have more good days than bad days at this point, but it has taken some time and a lot of grief work along to get here. I know that I have a long road ahead of me still. One of the ways I work through my grief is to write about it. Earlier this year I started contributing to the site Open to Hope (www.opentohope.com). I just submitted an article about how when we lose a child, the
  14. This fall will mark four years since my daughter's death (at age 4). Since her death, our family tried to think of various ways we might honor her memory. One of my biggest fears of losing a child so young is that she would be forgotten. Not just by the rest of the world, but by time slowly erasing the specific memories our family has of her. She was not old enough to "leave her mark" on the world. At four, her best friends consisted of her four older brothers, who were relatively young themselves when she died. Our memories are all we have left. What we ended up deciding was to create a g
  15. Dear LisaAnnB, Everything you are describing are very common responses to grief. At 5 months, you are still in a very raw stage of grief. I lost my daughter coming up on four years ago, and it is still a major part of my life. Grief is physically and mentally exhausting. It changes our focus in life and changes how you relate to others. Unfortunately, we live in a society that doesn't want to acknowledge or deal with grief because of the pain associated with it. People would rather ignore the pain than deal with it. But as we know all too well, ignoring the pain doesn't make it go away - a
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