New Start

First off my real name is Randy. My dad's passing last April has left me feeling even more isolated and alone. Ever since I ended up here in Phoenix and got clean and sober 17 years ago, I have been mainly on my own. Especially over last 10 years. Others told me at the funeral that they would stay in touch but I quess they forgot that my life has to go on with or without support. Actiing out in some strange ways but it doesn't involve drugs or alcohol so far. Even though, I have been thinking about it. Being that I stayed loaded-drunk for nearly 20 years, I am finding it hard to find a way to establish relationships now that I have to deal with reality. Being in this much pain has not been all that good on my recovery. You would be surprised what has gone thru my head since April 11th. Now I have to deal with the reality of probably spending another birthday alone in two weeks and then going to the grave site a week later for my dad's birthday. Which is going to seem really strange. Now have to get back to work. Hope at least a part of this makes sense. Being that I am in a brave new world this year, I am not sure of much these days. Peace (would add photo but it never lets me) Yes i am married, at least on paper, but she doesn't seem to be able to understand what in the heck is going on inside of me.

I made it to the cemetery two hours ago. Today marks 10 weeks since he died. Still to painful an i really don't want to go thru this. It has been a hard day. Took photos of the grave site.

This will not be the first Father's Day without my dad because he was in the military an was shipped out at times an lived out of state for years. However it will be the first one knowing i will never be able to talk with him, give him a gift or go out to the restaurant an play cards. It is quite different knowing he has died. Has been two months yesterday an i am in an emotional maze. Am not looking forward to Fathers day an cannot even look at a card. Even watching the commercials is not easy. Am planning to go visit the cemetery on Sunday an have mixed feelings. Be glad to see Monday. How does others handle the day after seeing their dad die?

I am not sure who will see this but I will put it down never the less. Maybe I just need to get it out of my system. Yesterday marked the two month mark since I saw my dad die in front of me at Hospice. I cannot believe what I have gone thru since. Thank God for this site and the two books that I have been reading. Wife picked up an old book from 69 called "On Death An Dying". If you would have told me a few months ago that I would have gone thru all this pain and turmoil over my dad's death, I would have said No Way. We didn't have that close of a relationship growing up. Obviously, I felt more attached to him than I thought. Have either had 4 dreams or visions of his 5 times since he died. For some unknown reason, during the past three days, I keep getting flashbacks to being back at the chapel with the open casket and being back at the cemetary. Don't know why. I cannot look at the Father's Day cards and the commercials are driving me up the wall. Am planning to go to the cemetary on Father's Day but not really looking forward to it. Seems very strange going to the Parent's house and he is not there. My brother who had been in the hospital due to a heart attack could not attend the funeral. He has started drinking again. Thankfully I have gone back to the recovery meetings before I end up smashed or in a psych ward. Having never gone thru anything like this sober before is putting me in a whole new unfamiliar world. Please tell me it is going to get easier. Wish I could say that I had a support system and people to hang with but I still find myself alone. My wife was with me at hospice but she is limited on understanding on what is going on in my head. Now it is time to get back to work. Have a good day. How do I get thru this, I DO NOT KNOW

Thankfully I at least have my wife to help me thru the process. She was in the room with me when dad passed. Also started going back to recovery meetings with hope to get some type of support there. Sure been a long strange two months. Still on Emotional roller coaster and hoping some day soon it will end. Cannot figure out why it has hit so hard since we weren't that close growing up. I must have cared more than I thought. Not looking forward to Father's Day. At moment, I cannot even look at the cards. When one is dealing with strange emotions and the physical body is falling apart, it can make them feel a lot older.

Very quickly wondering what in the heck is going on? I lost my dad suddenly in the hospice on April 11, 2013. Went back to cemetary for the first time on Memorial Day. I have been battling with COPD and Chairi 1 Malformation and more for several years. The two mentioned are uncurable. They flared up big time while I was watching my dad die over the three day period. Got so bad that my mom was worried that I might end up in the emergency room. They have been going over time since and it is putting my job and future in Jeopardy. I am not thinking 24 7 about my dad these days like I did at the start. So am wondering is it possible that the body is reacting to dad's sudden death and the fact that I have never seen anyone die before? Have also never been to a funeral sober before. Just thought I would throw it out there and see where it goes. Feel like I am in the middle of a big storm and don't know which way to send the boat. Am not looking forward to Father's Day. Thanks for your feedback. Now back to work and praying for a miracle.

My Dad passed away on 4/11/13. He medically died then at 2:40pm at the Hospice. He actually died the previous Sunday Morning while in bed with my mom. He had a major brain annerism and never regained conscienceness. Even after we took him off of the machines the following day, he kept breathing for 3 more days. More than once I thought I have been losing my mind. I am so stressed out over his dying, the insecurity at work and my being alone so often here in Phoenix that I have lost 35 pounds within the past few months. Plus the copd and chairi Malformation is getting out of control again. Thankfully I have Hospice to call and the book they sent has helped. Hoping the pain will go away soon. I have never seen someone die before or gone to a sober funeral. This has been a huge challenge to my sobriety.

Hello Marty and Kayc I finally figured out how to download the site on to this here computer. Will make it a bit easier. Has almost been two months and I still don't know if I am coming or going. Am wondering if Grieving can affect ones body. I have copd and Chairi malformation and it has been going over time since those three days at Hospice and my dad passing. Has now put my job in jeopardy. Thankfully I have a cool boss and I even called his cell phone from the Hospice crying my eyes out. What I cannot figure out is why this is hurting so badly when he really wasn't that big of an influence on me growing up. Have started going back to the meetings

Yes i am concerned about my recovery. Had a breakdown in 81 over Lennon's death. Yes he did have more of an influence on me than my dad..Just left a new meeting..Having 17 years sober still doesn't Guarantee that i can stay sober..Plus i.am under stress dealing with much more..This has been one hell of a year. My dads passing added to the storm.Hope that makes sense.

My dad suddenly passed away from a Brain Annerism on April the 11th. I had never been to a hospice before or seen anyone die. Even though we weren't that close growing up, it has been hitting me big time. Prior to his death, I never had a dream about him and didn't think much about him one way or other. Thankfully we had made amends The night before he died, I saw a hand come out of the sky while staying at the hospice. Since then he has showed up while I was having an MRI and he just showed up hugged me and told me he loved me. Have also had a dream that I had waked him up while he was sleeping in a bedroom where I was staying. The other day he was seen playing banjo and singing on a patio way out in the country. Never happened in real life. I have had to call Hospice 3 times since his passing. This is a brand new experience in my sobriety. Went to the gravesite yesterday for the first time since the funeral on April 18th. I know he is in Heaven but man my emotions are on a roller coaster. Have started going back to the recovery meetings. More later. (I am brand new to this site and still trying to figure out how to operate.)