Jenna2

(The first time I posted this it disappeared. Perhaps I didn't click on the right button or something.) I stand by all the recent decisions I made. He hasn't encouraged me in any way, but if he had, I would have responded, and without apology (perhaps not an "affair", but with warmth and friendship). But he hasn't. He didn't even care enough to write back to say don't contact him anymore. Perhaps he expected some duplicity on my part and decided the best contact was absolutely no contact at all. In any case, one letter after 25 years can hardly be considered harassment. I still don't know if the "visitation" a year ago was the real thing or just my imagination, but it made me wonder if perhaps he wanted to find me too. My major goal has always been, FIND OUT, one way or the other. I guess now I know. Strangely, I feel somewhat better now. Not satisfied, but not frantic about it either. I do still get depressed sometimes, but the "what if" is gone. Perhaps I'll write him another "undeliverable letter". On a scale of 0 to 100, Ben was a 100, Lenny was a 90, and Fred was a 70. Everyone else was a 30 at best, and I may never find someone above 50 again. I have some particularly uncommon interests and anyone who doesn't share those interests would be no more than a 20. Fae, I appreciate your kind attitude, but I don't think I've made any wrong decisions, except for taking up drinking (that lasted an entire day!) and perhaps waiting so long to proceed with this. And kayc, I think you have been unnecessarily hurtful and critical. You say I should "heed" the counselors but that's what I have been doing, following all their advice. If it backfired, that wasn't because of my not trying. Also you assert that you can say anything you want to me on this forum but when I suggest that Chris seek additional support on another forum you say I don't have the right to say that. Not that it's anyone's business, but I've made an appointment with my shrink for Monday. I also want to upgrade my appearance so I'm seeing a fashion consultant. But whatever you think about that, I don't want to hear it. I'm sick of being judged. There's not one of you out there who wouldn't give a tooth or a toe for a letter from your dearly departed (if only it were possible) and you know it. My situation is a bit different; I saw my opportunity and I took it. I went into the minefield, and exited unscathed, although I couldn't cross to the other side. Red light! Jenna

I feel for you, Chris. I know what it's like to feel motivationless. Every day lately I just exist rather than live. I sent you a private message. Did you get it? Please e-mail me as soon as possible. If no one else will, I will write to you often. Jenna

Chris, I know this month is going to be tough for you. I wish you well. Jenna

Well, I said I'd keep you updated and here is my update. It's been FOUR WEEKS since I mailed the letter and I haven't heard anything back from Ben. The most likely explanation for this is he doesn't even care enough to write me back even to say not to contact him any more. It's also been ONE YEAR since the spiritual "visitation" that started this. I figured that means maybe he DOES have some residual feelings for me after all; but now that seems to not be the case. I wouldn't have taken it this far if I didn't think that perhaps he was trying to find me too. I knew all along that he had to have SOME wish to contact me (before seeing my letter) for this project have a chance of success at all; after all, he dumped me, and if he hasn't changed his basic opinion of me, then he isn't going to want me back on any level. I'd cut off my ear or build another Taj Mahal if that would bring him back but the fact is there's NOTHING I can do to get him into my life again. My best hope now is be to meet him in the next lifetime, hopefully being near to him geographically, of similar age, and of opposite gender. I've been using a lot of "I wish I could" statements lately, as in, "I wish I could be with him". That both expresses the intensity of my desire and the relative impossibility of achieving same. How about just letting him go? I've tried. If it hasn't happened in all these decades, then it's just not going to happen. I really did try to get over him. I followed all the best therapist/traditional advice, trying to get on in life with someone else. All my efforts did for me was put me into denial, accompanied by repeated "crashes" and depressions that I had no explanation for. Now that I'm facing reality I don't get (very) depressed any more. I'm merely in emotional pain. A few weeks ago, I tried to analyze what it is I really wanted from him. I decided there are three parts to that: * Company/companionship. This is relatively easy to find; even when my landlord and I go food shopping together at least I'm not alone. * Fun/enjoyment. Only two others were able to make me feel the way Ben could; one died after our third date, and the other one only wanted me for a "temporary" GF while his regular GF was away. (There's a chance I could find someone else who can do this.) * Ben himself. Even if we were never to see each other face-to-face again, his writing to me once in a while would provide the communication with HIM that I crave. This cannot be substituted for. (I told my aunt about all this, and she said, "It would be nice to get a letter from him once in a while". At least SHE gets it, even if no one on this forum does.) If I can't be part of Ben's life, then I at least hope he's happy, and if Nadia can do that for him, then I hope she does, and does so well. I was (and still am) dysfunctional in many ways. I was never good enough for him, and therefore, never deserved him. But I will always love him, even if I get nothing back in return; except perhaps in my fantasies. I won't get married again. And this is the way it has to be for the rest of my life. As I have said before, I predict that Ben and I will get back together again, we will enjoy each other's company, and we will be happy. But I also predict that will not be in this lifetime. To Chris: you were the only one to comment on my plan neutrally, telling me what might happen if I do this, rather than proscriptively, asserting that I would totally WRONG to even think of doing this. Thank you for that. May I suggest an additional source of online support: www.takethislife.com , where you can register for the depression forum. If you do register there under the name Boogieman, I'll send you a private message (apparently I can't do that on this here) and share some thoughts with you. Jenna

Fine. You're all against me. I'm outta here, then. Perhaps I'll visit from time to time to give an update; but I'll no longer look here for support. Counseling hasn't worked. This is as real as life gets. Like I said, into the minefield. Jenna

I wonder if all my support here has dried up. I seem to have gone from Poor Lonely Me to the Wicked Other Woman at warp speed. Mentioning the "M" word has that effect on people. Marty, I said the near future is out of my control. I wasn't talking about my decision to mail the letter; what I was referring to was Ben's RESPONSE to that letter. As far as I'm concerned, the "near future" begins NOW. I've looked at the possible outcomes to what I've done and here's what I estimate my chances to be: 2% Nadia intercepts the letter, never shows it to Ben, and writes me a nasty note back. 4% Nadia intercepts the letter, never shows it to Ben, and I never hear from either of them. 6% Ben sees the letter and doesn't respond at all. 15% Ben gets the letter and writes me back asking me not to write again. 15% One way or another we start an affair, which runs it's course. 55% Ben and I become pen pals and we exchange e-mails once a month, reminiscing about old times and talking about our (separate) new times. (This has the potential to escalate over time but like everything else it depends on what he wants to do about it.) 1% They have some sort of open relationship going on which enables me to join them. 1% He is dumping or has dumped her for reasons unrelated to myself which creates a "vacuum" for me to enter. 1% He dumps her in favor of me. I actually don't want this to happen, because such a thing would backfire sooner or later, hurting everybody. It's unlikely anyway, because he dumped me once, and he'd have to want me A LOT to forget all the negative things. With Asperger's Syndrome, Turner's Syndrome, and everything else, MY BEST JUST WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH. Besides, from what little I know, she's already given him a better life than I'm capable of. If nothing else, I need some sort of closure on this matter. The first three on this list wouldn't even begin to give me that. I have no illusions about the last three. While I do want him to be fully part of my life, it's just very unlikely that will ever happen (but I never know until I try). The most likely outcome is to become "e-mail pals" with him, but if that's as much of him as I can have, I'll take it. Jenna

Topz, I feel for you. The only thing you could have done was back off, but after you've backed off far enough, you're no longer with each other at all. I wish I could point you towards a solution, but I don't see one. (Minor derail here) hi Pollara, haven't seen you in a while. Why don't you join me here: . Jenna

Well, I guess y'all don't have to worry about me becoming an alcoholic. My bottle of rum (my first alcohol purchase this year from any type of seller) is sitting on my desk, still mostly full. I figure I have drunk about 5 ounces so far. Just acknowledging to myself my everlasting, undying, eternal love for Ben has brought me the kind of peace I've been looking for for a long time. No more denial for me. I woke up early this morning but stayed in bed. I fantasized about being with him, and enjoyed every minute. An imaginary lover is better than no lover at all. Call me delusional if you want; I no longer care. Jenna

Dear Chris, I hope you were able to sleep well last night. I know things have been very hard for you. I'm tempted to visit you someday, so we can commiserate. (Strictly platonic commiseration, of course.) Jenna

If things were going in that direction, I would back off. His happiness is more important than my own, and I have no desire to do anything that will hurt him. Apparently she has given him a better life than I possibly can. It is prophesied that the Jews will rebuild the Temple Of Solomon on it's original site. However, that site is now occupied by the Dome Of The Rock, one of Islam's most sacred places, and Jewish law forbids the destruction of a religious site. I heard someone on TV say, "maybe there'll be an earthquake", meaning an opportunity can present itself that does not involve an overt act of destruction. I'll never know until I take a look and see. For me to stop now would be like getting a treasure map and then not digging for the treasure, or buying a winning lottery ticket and then not cashing it in. I didn't come all this way just as an academic exercise. I do have one ace up my sleeve. If I should be so absolutely fortunate as to meet him in the next lifetime, then "everyone starts fresh" and I'll be able to, in theory, claim him for my own. No offense taken, Chris. My worst choices were trying to "move on" and get farther and farther away from Ben. BBS is Bulletin Board System (this web site) and PM is Private Message (from one member to another). Jenna

Chris, you're absolutely right, that letter will be scrutinized carefully, at least as carefully as I was when I wrote it. As for the consequences? The consequences of not writing it is no contact at all and never knowing how it might have turned out. I only hope I don't hurt him in the process. Anything else I can deal with. But even an occaisional e-mail from him -- perhaps recalling some of the things we did together -- would be delightful. I just thought of something today we did that was a lot of fun. Wierd, but a lot of fun. And the long-term consequences? You mean, if it should go beyond e-mail? I would just have to play it by ear. Again, anything that would reduce the quality of his life would not be acceptable to me; even if the alternative was to stay out of his life altogether. (But of course I hope it doesn't come to that.) Thank you for your input, Chris. Jenna (P.S. does this BBS have a PM feature?)

I wish I could have the "happily ever after" ending too, but as I made clear many times, I don't expect that to happen; at least not in this lifetime. If nothing else, I'll worship him from afar. Jenna

Chris, I'm not very good at offering sympathy -- it's just not my strong suit. But I support you in whatever you decide to do. <hug> Jenna

First of all, I'd like to thank everyone for their input on this matter. While I have read and considered every word, including the links, I never had any doubt that in the end I must make the big decision myself. Some of the biggest mistakes I've made in my life were when I would decide to do something and let another/others talk me out of it, only to find later I should have done that. Or when I would decide NOT to do something only to let another/others convince me to do it -- only to decide later I should not have. "Letting go and moving on" is actually good advice, but the only problem I've had with it is that it never worked. "Running away" is something that hasn't worked either (although I've become very good at it). Kayc, I've decided NOT to respond to your last post point-by-point. It would have put me in the position of trying to convince you that I'm right and trying to convince you that I ought to do this. (Like a salesman insisting on asking WHY DON'T you want to buy the product, and if you can't come with a reason not to, then "here, you can use my pen".) I value your advice, kayc. But I don't need your permission. Where will this lead me? It all depends on what Ben wants to do about it. Someone else may be his wife, but I am still his soulmate. If that doesn't make sense to you, then no, I can't explain it. Will I be successful? That depends how you define success. My ultimate goal is to meet up with him in the next lifetime and have the kind of life I wanted to have in this lifetime, only better. But in the short term, I'm not really expecting very much. An occaisional e-mail from him would be welcome. I realize even this is not "moral", but a girl can't help having feelings. It's seems he's built a good life for himself, and I can't offer him anything better. If it makes him happier that I stay away, I will. But that remains to be seen. I've written the letter, and just a few minutes ago, mailed it. I'm going into the minefield. I'll keep y'all advised. Jenna

I feel for you Chris. Jenna

Mary, I respectfully disagree with the central premise of this ^ viewpoint. While I am certain many people have experienced these things, I do believe it is not all it seems to be. I have no doubt many people will think I'm a crackpot. I believe there is a "show" waiting for us after we die, kind of like an earthly movie theater. It is individually tailored to our expectations, and those who we "see" there are not really there -- they are only illusions. There are no reunions in this place. I firmly believe in reincarnation. The best I can hope for is to be reborn in the same general area and of a compatible age as my soulmate -- that plus a few other incidentals such as the right gender. My opinions are my own. I'm sorry to have to contradict what so many believe in. Jenna

Yeah, I am bad. It doesn't get any badder than that. Whatever adjectives you can think of for a bad girl, take the worst, and that's me. Over thirty years ago, I was crying myself to sleep every night. When I learned to repress the hurt, I just went into denial, and ended up being depressed and having these "crashes". I now know these are better described as minor nervous breakdowns. I figure I've had about 18 of these that have lasted more than a day. I've spent a decade working with therapists trying to analyze why I was such a mess. Now that I've peeled away the layers of denial, I'm back to where I was 30 years ago -- crying over the loss of a love I desperately needed. What I want, I know I'm not going to get. But I'll take whatever I can. And speaking of "my husband", back when I was married to Thomas, he divorced me when I wouldn't give him permission to sleep over at his girlfriend's. So don't talk to me about respecting the implied exclusivity of marriage! Ben, I love you, wherever you are and whatever you're doing. Jenna EDIT: Yes, I did read what Chris wrote.

Well, it was bound to happen. I've taken up drinking. Normally I don't tolerate liquor but I've found I tolerate rum quite well. It's a by-product of sugar manufacturing and I AM a sugar addict. Yo ho ho, me hearties. I started to compose the letter to Ben. So far, all I have is a date, a salutation, and a closing, but it's a start. Like everything else related to this matter, it's not easy for me. He is my soulmate. I must remember that. I knew him both 2 and 5 lifetimes ago. Maybe I'll meet him in the next lifetime. I hope. Someday, it will all be all right again. I did him wrong. It wasn't my choice; but I was a damaged individual and not good enough for him. But I DO love him, and terribly. The near future is out of my control. The only way I could have any kind of communication with him is if he is willing to. I can't MAKE that happen. I fell asleep early in the evening, and woke up around 11:30 PM. It's now 3 AM and I'm still awake. I'm going to go back to bed and try to sleep. Hahahahaha. Jenna

Well, I've decided. I'm going to write him an innocent sounding hi-how-are-you-let's-get-caught-up type letter. I've yet to compose it, but here are four potential responses I may get back, in order from the most to the least optimistic: (1) I'm glad you wrote. The truth is, things have not been going too well here lately, and I've been thinking of you. If you ever get to Oklahoma or Michigan, I'd like to see you again. (2) Nice to you to write me. Yes, I would like to exchange letters with you and stay caught up. Here's what's been happening with me lately ... . (3) I have a stable life and responsibilities now, and under the circumstances, I think we shouldn't be in contact any more. Whatever we had is OVER. (4) HOW DARE YOU!! It's a good thing I intercepted this letter before he saw it. I'm monitoring his mail, his e-mail, and the phone, and I guarantee he will never see anything you write. You leave me and my family ALONE. I rejoice in the fact that he's still alive, but no one lives forever. If I do nothing at all he WILL die, then I will never know. It's a dangerous game I'm playing, but I can't help myself. A girl has feelings. Jenna

Hi Marty, I "stole" this quote from Dr. Boss from another thread because it seemed to apply. I have a lot of ambiguity in my own situation. Thank you for posting it. Jenna

Whether or not to contact him of course. My head tells me no, it can only end in disaster; but my heart won't take that for an answer. Jenna

I have written a LOT on this forum, and one other forum. I've even taken to muttering things to myself when walking down the street (bad!) But I suppose even that is better than bottling my feelings up. I am very agitated lately. I took a strong sleeping pill last night (a weak one wouldn't have worked), and that brought me a few hours of relief when I didn't have to think about anything. Sometimes I look forward to sleep that way. But when I woke up, I was feeling agitated again. I have a big decision to make, and I'm afraid. Jenna

Sometimes I wonder. Oh, yes, there ARE other reasons for living, but ideally these are "in addition to" not "as a substitute for". I should know. I tried. But please, Chris, FIND a reason. Perhaps your family? I know they've become busy with their own lives but reach out to them -- for your own sake or for theirs. Jenna

Dear Chris, No. I do realize I will never have all that I want. But "just friends" would be far better than simply knowing he's alive and living in Oklahoma (which is better than a week ago, when I didn't even have that). "Just friends" is what he offered me years ago, but I was too stupid to agree to that. I do have reservations about contacting him, but the biggest reservation is I don't want to make his life unpleasant by doing so. At this point his happiness is more important than mine (took me long enough to decide that!) and I'd rather go on hurting than hurt him. When he dies, I hope I die not too long afterwards. Below is an "undeliverable letter" I wrote to him before I knew he was still living and where. It's not the sort of letter I'd ever send him, but it does express how I feel. Jenna Dear, Dear, Ben, As I write this letter I don't know where you are or if you're still alive. It was 30 years ago that you broke it off with me, but I am still very much in love with you. When we slept together you made me feel SO safe, so cared for, so protected. The perfect scene from my point of view. I don't blame you for bailing out of our relationship; I was self-centered, at the time incapable of seeing needs past the end of my nose. From Asperger's Syndrome to genetic defects to having suffered various forms of child abuse, I was a damaged individual, both physically and mentally, incapable of giving a fine man such as you what he needs and deserves. When you ended it I took it very hard. I cried myself to sleep for a solid week, and not too infrequently thereafter. I considered ending it all; to this day no one knows how close I really came. I went up to John and Carla's (where we first met) to get them to talk me out of it. So I did what any girl would do in that situation: I threw myself into relationship after relationship and moved farther and farther away, hoping to forget. Even Thomas was only a substitute, and a poor one at that. (He and I are no longer together.) Instead of forgetting you I only managed to put myself into denial. I developed a host of complaints, from amotivational syndrome to cyclic "crashes" where I would be incapable of doing even the simplest things. That all changed on the night of April 3, 2013. I was in bed when I had the definite impression you had come to me in spirit form and started caressing me. It was very pleasant, but to this day I don't know if it was telepathy, some kind of astral walking on your part, or just simply my imagination. But at that point I knew -- my attempts to forget you and move on had failed, and that I would never find anyone whom I'd rather have than you. Do you remember Yvonne Elliman's song, If I Can't Have You? That describes me exactly. "Elliman's Syndrome": severe, chronic, and completely incurable. I may from time to time find someone I can have a few laughs with, but I'll probably be celibate for the rest of my life. My heart will always belong to you. If by some miracle I should find you again, and you still want me to stay out of your life, I will -- because in spite of all of the above, your needs are important to me. I had briefly considered stalking you after the breakup, just to be near you, but that would have been wrong. And I didn't want to be given a restraining order (not the good kind). I do predict that someday we'll be together again, we will enjoy each other's company, and we will be happy. But I also predict that will not be in this lifetime. I wonder if you think of me from time to time. In any case, I want you to be happy. With everlasting love, Jenna

Dear Marty, Yes, I read this the first time you suggested it. I have no doubts the dream WOULD have come true except for my own dysfunctionality. I just wasn't good enough for him, on many levels. I consider at least 95% responsible for the breakup. He is a very "real" person; never very rich or ambitious, but very much wanting a "normal" life and with little time for dealing with peculiarities. I on the other hand was a damaged individual but hard working and eager to set the world on fire. Hypothetically, if we were to get back together now, I would just blow it all over again. It has been a goal of mine since then to work through my (physical and psychological) issues and become the kind of woman who deserves a fine man like Ben. Not that I expect him to come back to me once I have done so; but if I can deal with my issues to that degree, I'll be a far better person than I was. I'm about 2/3 to 3/4 the way there. I said it before and I'll say it again: I predict that we will be together again, we will enjoy each other's company, and we will be happy. But I also predict that will not be in this lifetime. Jenna