vickev2006

thank you all -- it helps so much -- it just hurts so much to struggle without Kevin -- I feel your pain & hate that you have to go thru this -- you are all so very kind -- it helps so much to have a safe place to vent all this & not feel so stupid -- your encouragement & advice helps -- I'm continually amazed at the kindness of so many people, especially strangers -- but you feel like friends -- your willing to listen & take the time to share & help -- it's a little better today -- had a good talk with Kevin's sister-in-law -- she said it will get better some day -- she doesn't know the exact day -- I asked her to please figure out what day & let me know --we had a good laugh -- she was very kind & doesn't mind that I cry -- please know how much you all help

thank you all for listening & sharing -- I haven't returned until now coz I'm wore out -- weary in my soul, so hopeless -- you're all so kind & I have nothing to contribute but my pain -- I feel like such a burden -- I'm here again because once again everything has piled on top of me & I'm ready to let it all just bury me -- this forum is my last resort -- if I can just make it thru the next 5 minutes, then maybe I can make it thru the next hour -- please bear with me -- if I don't get some of this out, I'm going to explode -- Kevin's lawn mower broke -- OK, I ordered the part & my grandson & neighbor friend helped me fix it -- after using it once, it broke down again -- OK, I'll deal with it later -- let the grass get too long -- Kevin always kept backyard lawn & garden beautiful -- he told me it would be a lot of work -- overwhelmed, gave up -- can't keep up with all the garden trimming -- roses looking bad, lemon tree overgrown, weeds everywhere -- used the weed wacker to "mow" the backyard -- found dirt tubes under the long grass -- my son thinks it's termites -- oh well, have no money so hope the ants will eat them, quit trying to battle the ants -- trying to keep an eye out that the termites don't reach the house -- researched natural remedies online, none look promising -- my neighbor friends miraculously show up several times & mow the lawn -- afraid to mention the termites -- the sprinklers sprung a leak so the water pressure is to low to water the entire lawn -- OK, I water with the hose what the sprinklers don't reach, have to water all the flowers by hand anyway -- the washing machine broke down & I'm broke -- OK, I use my son's washer since I'm there 3 days a week picking up/dropping off my 2 grandboys -- I usually wear the same clothes 2 or 3 times anyway, so not much laundry -- wow, my neighbor friend finds me a free used washer -- the garage door opener breaks -- OK, I can lift the door manually -- have to ask a neighbor friend to show me how to lock it manually -- thingamajig in the toilet broke & water bill skyrockets -- OK, find new one in Kevin's "everything you could possibly need" garage & grandson installs -- kitchen sink backs up -- OK, have to ask for help -- neighbor friend unclogs sink -- oil leak in Kevin's truck getting worse -- lots of oil in driveway -- no money, OK, try to remember to check & add oil every so often -- can't pay bills this month -- OK, sell diamond engagement ring Kevin picked out & surprised me with, cry, cry, cry -- OK, it's only a ring -- looks like I'm going to keep living so have to figure out a way to pay the bills until I can be with Kevin -- Kevin's mom asks me once again how I am & then gets upset that I'm not OK -- asks if I need money coz I just have to ask & be grateful -- cry, cry, cry -- and again she's upset & seems angry -- she doesn't understand why I can't ask her for help -- I can't find a way to tell her that I can't ask her for money coz she always says "I don't want to enable you" & "I can't keep helping you" and tells me what I need to do -- I don't feel she's sincere about helping & seems resentful -- she can't handle my crying -- she's determined to get on with life after her husband died in May -- I say that's good -- says she's not going to be like me -- I say I don't want her to be miserable like me -- says she can't have an honest relationship with me -- cry, cry, want to die -- still alive, want to live in OUR home, feel Kevin all around here -- OK, found some contract work in Scottsdale office even after I cried at the interview -- hope I can keep it together & make sense -- tires on the truck going bad -- OK, pray the tires hold on long enough to make some extra money -- long drives to Scottsdale to work -- freeway is a parking lot -- OK, drive really slow to avoid accidents -- try taking side roads -- man gets out of car & screams at me for not yielding -- OK, hope he doesn't shoot me (or does) -- OK, feel the man's pain -- what must he be dealing with to be so stressed? see so many stressed out people driving -- feel their pain -- cry driving to work -- look at sky and pray God will take me to heaven with Kevin -- got thru workday -- don't think about how I'm going to make it thru the next workday -- free washing machine breaks -- OK, Home Depot gives me credit & has sale on basic washer, working more now so will tweak the budget to squeeze out monthly payments -- oh no, November -- spiral down, down, down -- anniversay of first date with Kevin, our wedding anniversary -- going down, down, down -- Christmas around the corner -- neighbors all decorating -- Kevin always had more lights than anyone -- don't feel like celebrating -- grandsons decorate with lots of lights -- receive surprise check from Kevin's mom for Christmas -- wow -- can get grandsons presents & helps with bills this month -- call Kevin's mom with tearful gratitude -- she tells me not to get emotional & reminds me I haven't been out to see her -- she says terrible, hurtful things & when I'm honest with her she gets upset & mean -- why would she want to see me -- but again, I can't tell her that coz I don't want to hurt her -- but she's upset anyway -- withdraw & isolate -- friends leave phone messages & emails -- can't return any of them -- maybe tomorrow -- too many now, they've piled up, frozen with the emotional drain returning calls & emails would bring -- receive Christmas cards, stack in pile unopened -- can't handle emotional drain -- not another New Year without Kevin -- neighbors gathering & want me -- gratefully decline -- don't want to celebrate -- can't even think about another year without Kevin -- hide in house while neighbors outside @ midnight -- finally fall asleep at 5am -- Kevin's mom calls with "Happy New Year" -- I can't say it back -- wants to get together for lunch -- I'm noncommittal -- sorting & getting rid of boxes of my old papers before I met Kevin -- sorting & geting rid of boxes of Kevin's old papers before he met me -- don't want my son to have to deal with all this -- I still have some of my Mom's stuff that I haven't been able to get rid of since she died in 2007 -- haven't been outside for several days -- step out the front door to pick up grandboys -- small puddle in the yard -- maybe a water leak in the pipe underground -- $$$$$ -- denial -- hope wild animal came up out of wash & peed the puddle -- small note to brain to keep eye on puddle when able to figure out without breaking down -- too much, weighing me down -- Kevin would know who to call -- Kevin I need you my love -- the struggle is just to hard without you -- I've tried, I'm tired, I don't know how to go on without you, I don't want to go on without you -- this morning the puddle is now bubbling up from underground -- call City to find out who to call to get fixed -- they don't know since pipe repair is me not them -- I don't know how to get help -- neighbor friends all at work -- don't know how critical leak is -- feel helpless -- cry, cry -- remember Kevin's realtor friend said I can call anytime & meant it -- I explain tearfully & he refers trusted plumber -- leave message & wait for call back -- unknown cost is freaking me out -- I've dealt with all the breakdowns the best I can -- don't know how I've hung on -- I feel so stupid -- what is wrong with me -- I must be so broken -- don't think I'm going to make it thru the next few minutes -- log on to forum -- thank you for listening to me -- all this seems so trivial considering what you all are going through -- reading your comments make me feel safe sharing this here -- the panic has subsided somewhat -- so many of you help & I feel I just add to your troubles -- God bless you

It has been over 2 years now since my beloved Kevin died, but it feels like yesterday. I joined this forum because I had a horrible conversation with his mom that left me in a panic attack. Even saying this is bringing one on. She tells me I am making eveyone unhappy & no one can stand my crying anymore. Yes, I still cry -- I miss him so much; I can't imagine a life without him. I am sad; I am beyond sad; I am hopeless & don't know what I am going to do. I have not been able to work & barely get outside the house. I am sorry I make everyone so unhappy that they can not help me, but I can not help myself! I am so tired of being sorry. I just keep asking God to please take me so I can be with him & be out of this pain. I am so fed up with people telling me "it's time to stop crying" & "we all have to move on". It just makes me feel worse. I am tired of being sorry; I see it in my friend's faces that they are uncomfortable that I am "still" crying & sad -- but I am sad; I am sadder than I have ever been in my life. I cannot imagine a life without Kevin. We found each other late in life & I finally felt I had found my place in this world with him; now he is gone, I don't know anything anymore -- I don't know what I am going to do. I can't work, I can't sleep, I can't breathe. My mother-in-law asks me what I've been doing & all I'm doing is trying to get thru each day, trying to breath, which upsets her -- it is not good enough for her. I am about to lose our house but it doesn't matter -- nothing seems to matter anymore. I cannot believe it has been over two years -- yes, I am stuck in my grief, but I can't get out of it. She nags me that I have to see a doctor & get some pills to help me; but I feel it's hopeless & don't see the point of seeing anyone, which upsets her even more. Her husband of 60 years just died last month, the same day as my beatufiul husband. I helped the past year take care of him as he was slowly dying & I am so worn out. She would tell me I couldn't come over if I cried & he would ask me to please come over. It was a constant battle to try & act OK (when I am not OK) while I was there because I understood what she was going thru with her husband dying & I wanted to help him because they had both been so kind before & after Kevin died. I don't even know why I am writing this -- everyone is fed up with me still being sad -- but I am sad & don't know how to "act OK' anymore. I've tried so hard to be understanding with them, but am starting to get angry with so many of his family & our friends telling me I "should be over his death by now" -- it just makes me hide away more & not talk or see anyone. So many people tell me "it gets better with time" but it doesn't!! I know what they say makes sense in my head -- I tell myself the same things every day; but my heart hurts so much. I keep things the same way as when Kevin was alive -- and I know I'm doing this to try & keep him alive for me coz I need him so much. I talk with him all the time, again because I need him to be alive. Even though my head knows how crazy all this is, I can't seem to help it because it is the only way I can breathe. It is part of my craziness -- trying to keep him alive because I need him so much. Finally, I don't know why I am writing all this -- it all seems so hopeless. Again, I don't know why; maybe someone can shed some light even though it probably won't do any good -- his Mom tells me I'm just "wallowing in self pity" & want to be this way -- I feel like it's not a choice. I dont' know.