KarenK

The last time I remember being fashion conscious was in high school. We certainly did not live in the country club, but I hung out with some that did. They could afford to buy whatever they wanted. The rage was "Lanz" dresses. Expensive back in those days. As a status symbol, the girls would sew the dress tags to the collars of their sweatshirts. I begged for a Lanz dress. My mother scrimped and got me one. I was sooo proud. lol I got my first pair of boots at age 11 in Jackson, Wy. That was and still is the "true" me. Heels, dresses and panty hose were so uncomfortable at work, but necessary. I got rid of all of them when I retired. As long as I am clean and presentable, I am happy with it. I think we should dress in what makes us feel good. I was wearing boots when I met Ron and wearing them when he left. In 40 years, I never heard a complaint. I think it's funny that Scottsdale is dubbed "The West's Most Western Town", yet no one I know or see on the street dresses this way.

Gin, I loved my Kenmore canister. It did a good job for 25 years and was easy for me to use. I have a Hoover upright. It works better than the canister did, but is not self propelled and is too heavy for me. I have a $50 Eureka Boss that I brought down from the cabin. It is adequate and easy to push, but my dog sheds like crazy so I have to make sure to empty the bag frequently. It clogged up one time because I was not diligent. I disconnected the hose and ran the broom handle through it. That cleaned it out. When parts were no longer available for the old canister, I replaced it with a Shark which my Sears contract covered. It is still in the box. I have way too many vacuums. lol I'm sure Al would want you to use the one that is best for you. I'm sorry you're having a bad day.

Our Hospice was wonderful. At our request, they transported Ron home on a portable vent, not really expecting him to live more than an hour. As soon as he was moved to the bed in the family room and the vent was removed, he immediately sat up and said "I'm alive". He then fell back and lapsed into a semi conscious state. His pacemaker had been turned off at the hospital and for 19 hours, my family and I stood by his side as he took one less breath each hour. We played his favorite movies on the DVD and talked to him, telling him we would be alright and that it was okay fro him to go. I suppose you would say that his death was peaceful, but how do any of us know that death is peaceful? I would equate my daughter's Hospice with the county dog pound. They took forever to arrive or never arrived at all. They were fairly ineffective when present. On my daughter's last day, she screamed and convulsed the entire day. When we were not holding her down, we talked to her and tried to comfort her. I don't remember telling her that it was okay to go. In the middle of the night, a huge thunderstorm came through. She had gotten very quiet and I went upstairs to lie down for a bit. I had a very strange dream in which 2 women came to take her away and care for her. Her husband's mother came to my door and told me that she was gone. Her death was definitely not peaceful. If there is "a better place", I hope they reside there.

Marg, I hate to be the one to tell you, but I think we may be past the "red light" age. lol Wouldn't it be great if life was like a recorded tape and we could go back and erase the bad parts. Just an observation. If you want to laugh, read the headlines. Saw this one a few minutes ago: Tempe PD Bust Human Sex Ring At Massage Parlor Duh! Is there another kind besides HUMAN?

Well girls, back in the "olden days" as we say now, I also wore "hot pants" and go-go boots. Never wanted to wear those tassels though, Marg. I think we all did our crazy things back then when we really had no worries. I laugh when I remember a neighbor visiting after I married Ron. He asked what had happened to the hot chick that used to mow the lawn in an orange bikini. I told him that I had been that hot chick. lol Blast it! I had one of those "gotcha" moments yesterday when I backed out of the driveway. I'm sure I've backed out of that driveway at least a hundred times since Ron left, but for some reason this time I "saw" the ambulance that sat right there bringing him home to die. That thought stayed with me all the way to the store. Where the heck did it come from? Marg, when your done painting, come on out to Arizona and we'll spruce up this old place. lol I'm afraid it needs a lot more than paint.

Linda, I'm so glad you have decided to join us. I am "Wolfen" to you on the CSN site. Just as our friends on CSN saved my life and sanity many times during the cancer battles my husband and daughter fought, this site has been a lifesaver. We will all get through this together. Karen

I'm not familiar with that show Marg, but if it deters your sorrow for a while and makes you laugh, watch it. Your friends don't have to like it and you are not warped. One of my favorites is "The Walking Dead". I'm sure to many people that is warped. Ask me if I care?

I'm with you on that one, Gwen. Ron used to order mostly useless gadgets from Harriet Carter and we'd order CD's & movies from Amazon. Now I order vacuum cleaner bags. Recently I completed a survey from Cox because they offered a $10 gift certificate from Amazon for doing so. I was sure it would be useful. It took me forever to settle on a Clint Black CD, not because I needed or wanted it, just because it was free and damned if I was going to waste it on vacuum cleaner bags. Ron used to tease me and say "If they were giving away a truckload of watermelon rinds for free, you would take them." He had me pegged. Still, there was no excitement opening that Amazon package. At least it wasn't a bill.

Such a beautiful sentiment for your Jan, Janka. I hope you are well.

Marg, Just to let you know that you are not alone in your quest for faith. I have now visited four churches in my area(trying to stay close to home). Still looking for a place where I fit in. My former neighbors had invited me many times to visit theirs, so I did. Members and ministers of every church I have visited have been welcoming. Religion has progressed and I have been left in the dust. So far, I have not found one that sings traditional hymns, nor caters to the "doubting Thomas", which i am most of the time. I am not giving up. You should not either. Our faith will appear to us when we least expect it.

Marty, You asked if I liked Windows 10. This computer came with 8 in it and my "fancier" computer had Vista, I think. It really is all jibber jabber to me. I put the more expensive computer in my grandson's room so he could use it for his online gaming. I paid more for it just so he could have those features. I am a saint, I know. lol I gradually get used to whatever version I have, but then my use of a computer's functions is probably more limited than other people's. I don't download files, or use the "cloud". Not even sure what that is and don't care. It is mainly a way for me to communicate with others, gather information, keep up with what is going on in the world(don't believe everything you read on the internet), check ads, and do limited business. I do have photos and music stored on it. I did have problems accessing this site and the cancer site on the first day as well as directing things to the printer. Those went away on their own?? My grandson, who is extremely computer savvy can take care of most problems so far. He is the one who told me to avoid 10 due to security measures. Okay, I'll shut up about the computer now. Maryann, I am proud of you for not giving up on the license. I believe you live in a large city which I'm sure makes the prospect of driving scarier. My granddaughter who is 26 took the driving lessons, but is still afraid to go for the license or drive and she lives in a "one horse town". I learned to drive at age 11. At 16, I got the "Earl Schieb $19.95"(for those of you old enough to remember) Fire Engine Red paint job and sailed away. Married and with a baby the following year, my folks generously bought us a brand new stick shift RAMBLER station wagon(hated that thing). Like Mitch, I sat through a few stoplights trying to shift the darn thing. Finally got the hang of it though, just as you will with driving. Best of luck.

Kay, I'm so sorry you lost your friend. Age is no barrier to friendship. My mom's best friend died six moths after Debbie did. I was close to her also. She was a "Grand Lady" ,as your friend was.

So happy for all of you! "Dream On" little Gracie.

Maryann, Like Marg, I am older at 69. I have always been fairly tough and independent. My self confidence was one of the first things to leave me after losing Ron I am gradually regaining it, but will probably never function as independently as I once did. For me though, age and health are also factors. IMHO, Marg is amazing. I'm sure you were just nervous. Give it a little more time.

Amy, I think this is a nice idea for those who may be interested. Although our group is widespread, a few of us may live near to each other. Even if we just met for lunch or something..............

A little off topic, but don't get me started on computers which seem to rule our lives. I have been adamant about not wanting Windows 10 installed on my computer. I would give it a definite "NO" each time the little box popped up in my face. Windows seem to have a mind of it's own. Several days ago, I sat down here and it was being installed anyway. There does not seem to be a way to turn off updates, only schedule them at your convenience. This morning, it offered me a time choice for updates, which I set at 4:30 tomorrow morning. It immediately started installing the updates. I have heard that this version is much more invasive of our personal information. It seems that this is yet another area of our lives over which we have no control, except the "off" button. Trivial, I know. At least it's not brain surgery.

Butch, I LOVE this picture. She looks like she is getting ready to ride this horse to greener pastures.

Mitch, I had a good friend on CSN named Sundanceh(Craig). Even when he was at his lowest point, his mantra was that we must always have hope because without it we have nothing. Sadly, he didn't make it, but I will never forget him or his determination to live. He called on an alter ego named "Big Billy" to get him through the really tough times. May we all find our "Big Billy".

Marg, You are too funny! I have taken so much Tylenol in my life that my liver should be disintegrated by now. Have graduated to Tramadol. And last time I checked, I still have empathy.

I have resurrected this heartfelt writing from what I believe was my first post after losing Ron and a year before I lost Debbie. So much has happened in that time, but unfortunately it still "hits home" for me. The pain abates, but will never end. Unique and Devastating Loss (by WifeLess) With the death of our spouse (which here includes fiancée, significant other, partner, etc.), we grieve the loss of so much more than someone we merely loved or were close to, like a parent, grandparent, sibling, friend or pet. We grieve instead the loss of: The one we loved most deeply, cherished and felt the very closest to. The one we swore commitment to in that unique human bond of marriage, which many consider sacred. The one we shared the ultimate partnership with to live as one and perhaps bear children with. The one who embodied our true sense of home. The one who was our best friend and who was to be our companion for life. The one we confided in, depended on and trusted most. The one who really knew, understood and accepted us as we were. The one we felt safe and protected with. The one we shared private moments and intimate feelings with. The one we mated souls with. But it is not just that this most precious person has been torn from our life, as unbearably heartbreaking as that alone is. With the death of our spouse, and only of our spouse, many additional profound losses must be grieved as well. For we also suffer: The loss of who we ourselves were while with them. The loss of the couple we were once half of. The loss of the life partnership we once formed. The loss of the husband or wife role we once embraced. The loss of the life we once lived. The loss of the plans we once made. The loss of the dreams we once shared. The loss of the future we once envisioned. Amidst all this, we are also suddenly confronted with many hardships we never expected to face at this point in our life. Besides financial survival, increased domestic burdens and perhaps single parenting, additional challenges less apparent to others but all too real and terrifying to us. We must now find it within ourselves: To create a new identity. To redefine our role in life. To establish a new connection to the world. To build a new network of social relationships. To discover a new sense of purpose. To formulate a new set of goals. To decide on a new direction for our future. And we must accomplish these without dishonoring our former life, but while suppressing bittersweet memories of that life, so that they not hold us back. Memories of happier times mostly, but also those of our spouse’s death, either sudden and shocking or after prolonged illness. We must further endure the feelings of guilt and disloyalty that follow us as we attempt to forget and move forward, but with our heartstrings tied so tightly to the past. And all these tasks must be taken on at the lowest possible point of our life in the worst state imaginable. When we are the weakest, most vulnerable, most insecure, most isolated, most heartbroken and most emotionally exhausted we have ever been. Without that one person we long ago became accustomed to relying on to help get us through life's greatest challenges. The one who, just by being there, would have provided us emotional comfort and moral support to draw upon, as well as the strength and confidence we need to complete those tasks and so much more. But now we face all this alone. Profound indeed is the death of our spouse. Unique and devastating. For nearly all of us, much more catastrophic to our life than the loss of any other. And truly comparable, many of us widows and widowers often feel, to one other death only. Ours. May all of us find peace one day.

Marg, It's funny how those little, inexpensive things really get to us. After Ron died, my son opened the big 50 gun safe where he kept all his prized possessions, those very expensive guns that would find other homes. I was sad to see them go as they were like his babies, but grateful that their sale kept us going for a few months. Along with those were other prized possessions, long forgotten by me. A tiny wooden plaque with a tearful puppy saying "I Mith You"(from many, many years ago) and a small plastic card from the hospital gift shop. He had been hospitalized for the umpteenth time on Christmas Day in 2012. His heart and diabetes had gotten him once again along with his new friend, the cancer. I had no time for Christmas shopping and picked up this card for him( such a lousy gift for his very last Christmas). It reads: I love you as you are. I love you as you will be. I love you because there's this little part of me(my heart).... That tells me that you and I were simply and always meant to be. Those things and one other mean the world to me. The other being a notebook page on which he had scribbled "W I F E". He did this during his last few days in the hospital as he lay dying. He couldn't talk with the vent and his mind was mostly gone, but I had given him the notebook and pencil for some type of communication. Most things he scribbled were unintelligible, but this time he was trying to ask the nurse where I was. With my daughter, I think maybe it's the t-shirt with the replica of her baby(her horse, Shania) which I gave her shortly before she died. She never got a chance to wear it, but reached for it the day before she left. Things like that can never be replaced. Have to stop this remembering now. Am making myself way too sad.

Laura, I'm glad that your long time friends have come back into your life. It's odd that so many adults just don't "get" how we are feeling. Unfortunately, until they experience it firsthand................. It is not a pain, we wish on anyone. Ron & I enjoyed the Tucson Gem & Mineral show for many years. I took my son in 2015. Just couldn't afford to go this year. I buy a lot of beads there for my jewelry making hobby. My son is into geology and loved all the "rocks". Gin, Don't ever want to have that damn test again. I've had a treadmill stress test before, just not a Nuclear one. I managed to walk on the treadmill(at a normal pace, I guess) for the required 5 minutes. A bit tough for me as I have some COPD because I smoke, but I managed not to fall down or pass out. lol The radioactive dye stayed with me for about 24 hours. Strange taste in your mouth. Also had an echocardiogram. Not painful, just uncomfortable. Followup appt. is on June 9 for results. Have already told them, you can't medicate sadness. Didn't mean to hijack your thread, Mitch. Just don't know where to post things sometimes.

Marg, I am not a fine china person either, but my mother was. She was on the social scene for most of her adult life, even though she had humble beginnings. Like your mother and grandmother, a real whip-smart little lady. Back in 1930 or so, she purchased 12 place settings and accessories of Noritake. Beautiful and very old fashioned. Although I sold her silverware to a dealer, I always kept that china, which we used at Thanksgiving only. I wanted to make sure that my daughter got it. When she and her husband drove out here as Ron lay dying, they took it home to Kentucky with them, along with a few things of Ron's that I knew he would want them to have. In my heart, I knew that china would not live in her home for long as she was so very ill. When I arrived a year later at her home, there it was proudly displayed in an antique china cabinet. After she died, it was properly boxed up and as far as I know, my granddaughter still has it now. Silly I guess, that this china is so important to me, but it now represents 4 generations of women in our family To me, it will always be "Mother's china". I will remember "all" of those things I had to let go, whether they be your mama's, Billy's, or yours together, someday with softer memories. It's just who we are.

Mitch, I'm so sorry I am late with the birthday wishes. I've been a little wiped out from the "fun" Nuclear Stress Test. Hope your day was pleasant.

Could be Brad, could be. This happened up the the area of Kendrick Peak north of Flagstaff many years ago. Topped a hill and there they were in all their glory. Needles to say, we gave them their privacy.