GuiltHaunted

Hello ffigoni, Perhaps you want to read up on Borderline Personality Disorder. Much of what you describe from you short and intense relationship indicates that your ex could perhaps be a sufferer. Why does it matter, if you are no longer together? Because you will be hit much worse than an ordinary breakup. Should your research into BPD bring you to the conclusion that it resonates with what you experienced, there is a forum called www.bpdfamily.com with lots of good articles to help you find your way through the recovery.

It's the hope that keeps me stuck. And frankly, I have been thinking if maybe I should resume contact with her for some time, but didn't want to do it before birthday. Now I see no point.

Thanks for the birthday wishes, kayc. And as expected, I didn't hear from her... Funny thing, that hurt more than expected! I have allowed myself to be hurt a lot by this woman, I wish I could somehow push a switch to make it stop. But, since she didn't take this occasion to break my request for no contact, I don't expect her to do so in the future either, so this somehow feels definitive, terrible.

Hey... Just checking in, since the last time nothing has happened... Still in no contact since 26th of December. My birthday is coming up. On some level I hope to hear from her, on the other hand I am afraid how it would possibly set me back again. Anyway, I do not expect to hear from her. Also spring has come, and that is triggering emotions from last year as well. God, it's almost a year since she broke up with me!! I read somewhere, that you have to experience every season of the year after a breakup, before being over it. What I did do since last post, is A LOT of reading up on Borderline Personality Disorder (web, books, folders, younameit). I didn't know much about mental diseases prior to this and it never interested me, which was probably a mistake. I can't say if my ex suffers from BPD since I am not a professional, but she sure fits the bill. I am active on http://bpdfamily.com, which is a support forum for relatives of BPD sufferers. They also have a dedicated forum called "Detaching from the Wounds of a failed BPD Relationship". Not only does she fit the bill (and has a history of mental problems that I outlines in my first post), but my role in the relationship and reaction to it ending too. BPD is a spectrum disorder, which means that some are high functioning and may be able to live seemingly normal lives, so with out knowledge about the subject may be difficult to spot. I am just wondering, if there might be a predominance of mentally disordered among those choosing to leave their partner after the death of someone important to them. What most of us here have in common, is that the behavior of our significant other certainly didn't make sense, left us confused and without the closure, that would have helped us to move on. Whether my ex has BPD or only exhibits the traits to a subclinical level for a real diagnosis is not important. It has helped my find some sort of sense, in her otherwise confusing behavior, that for a long time kept me stuck. (E.g."why does she sends me messages at 3 am in the morning" or "how can she say she loves me two week prior to kicking me out and starting a new relationship" = because she has an attachment disorder). I still wish it would have been different, and I guess I haven't given up hope completely. So I am not through it yet, but I am making progress. I was thinking that it might be worth looking into for others in the same situation as me (especially if their significant other may have a history that could indicate they might be mentally disordered).

Pollara, that is exactly what I am afraid of. That this experience will stay, and even though eventually "forgotten", that each time the thought will pass on HER, when I see an old photo etc., that I will be sad and think: what if.... A recurrent (every day) thought, that I am having difficulties with at the moment is: "in 10 years, I will meet her in some aircraft, somewhere... What will I say to her?"... And my mind goes spinning off, with different solutions. Sometimes the answers are hateful replies, like when she tries to embrace me "don't touch me, and I don't want to speak with you", or "I have no idea who you are, you must have me mistaken for someone else". Sometimes the reply is something that could lead to reconciliation. Stupid, isn't it? To think about a hypothetical conversation in 10 years, that might never happen. Or maybe in 10 years, I wouldn't feels a thing and just simple say "hello, funny to see you..". Some of my relatives and friends says, that I need to see a psychologist. Do you think, from all that I have written, that it is necessary? Personally, I don't see what a psychologist can say to me, that will help...? Also, like both of you... I am thinking, that maybe I will never trust anyone again. I mean if this girl, who loved me more than anything, in 2 weeks, can go from writing me texts with kisses, to dating a new one.... How can I ever trust a girl that tells me that she loves me? "I love you" are empty words to me now, except when I hear them from my mother!!!

Thank you for your messages Kayc and Pollara. Just wanted to say that I have read them both. Nothing further has happened... I am still struggling, still miss her, still wish it would have gone different, still wondering "why". But it's getting better. Man, I wish I was one of those kind of men that just seems to fix such problems by 3 weeks later having another girlfriend. But I guess I am very sensitive about it, and have to give it whatever time is necessary.. When I read the stories of other people, I always wished they would write the ending. Most never do, probably because they forget about it when they overcome the problems and find new happiness. Throughout this ordeal, I was curious to know how they felt about the situation years after. So I guess I will try to remember to give an update on how my life progress later on... All the best to all of you.

All the best to you Pollara! It seems our stories almost has been running parallel.

Hey, I am back to give an update. Not so much that I need it myself. But I feel I owe you to tell you the end of the story. And the story has now ended. The sporadic conversations with her continued for a while and then came to a halt. I then resumed it again and it was ok for a while. A few phone calls, friendly and polite, not much else. Until a phone call 13th december, I called her and we talked for about 40 min. In the end of the conversation I asked if she was happy in her new relationship and she told me yes. She was apparent uncomfortable talking about it and I then said that I would like to see her again sometime, which pretty much ended the call without her answering my request. That was it for me, so I stopped 100% stalking her, and really let go, deleted her number and had no plans to ever contact her again! Then 24th of december at 2:57 in the morning I get a "Merry Christmas and all the best for you in the new year" message from her. I answered her short "Thanks, same to you". For a few days (until today) I was thinking about WHY does she send me messages at 3 in the morning, to her ex!! Instead of wasting more time, I decided to ask! So I wrote her a very long mail. Told her my position, and asked her why she was sending her ex messages at 3 in the morning. Told her I was prepared to talk, and she shouldn't be worried about being hurt or rejected, and I would like to hear what she was feeling. Actually I wrote a lot more. All of it confident, telling how much it had hurt, and how much I care but at the same time that I was prepared to let it all lie (which is the truth since 13th december). I wrote her too, that I had never expected to hear from her again since our last call, and I had actually deleted her phone number. The replay was an SMS, "Call me, we need to talk about it". So I called and we talked for only 5 min. The reason is that she started out "I though it was all ok, for me it is at least". With those words I knew there was no point in talking with her for long. And as I asked about the message she couldn't tell why she sent it. She said she had written a lot of other people at that time. At 3 in the morning??? I actually believe her, and do not interpret anything into it, just can comprehend how someone can be so inconsiderate to send people messages at that time.To all my other question she would answer "I don't know", again not sharing any feelings or emotions. Only explanation was, that after what we had been through in the beginning of the year with the death of her father, that she wanted to write me too. This caused me to add "yes we went through a lot, you didn't talk to me, let me sit all alone, went behind my back and found someone else, and dumped me and left me homeless at a time in my life when I needed you the most". Then I told her to NEVER contact me again, That I didn't want any greetings or insignificant messages about mail. Not to contact me now, not in 10 years or in 20 years. To which her reply in-between was 3 times "I have understood it". It felt very powerful to be the one to tell her to f*ck off (pardon my french). And it feels liberating. I seriously believe I will never-ever hear from her again, and I am ok with that. The questions I had in the beginning all feel irrelevant now, I don't care how long she though about him, if she saw him before we broke up or not. Because I am not with her, and I never will be. Those questions only had relevance if we were to get back together. So, Pollara you were right all along. And I am actually looking forward to meeting someone else than her. And I have felt like that since 13th december, which made I quite easy for me to send that mail. I actually briefly though "what if she actually wants you back, are you willing to stop pursuing the other objects of interest that you have now". And my answer to that was, that I could make up my mind later even if she had answered positive. So in a sense I had reduced her to one object of interest, out of many. So another sad story comes to an end, and another example to those who will inevitably follow, that they might as well move on from the get go. Thank you for your support through this ordeal. I wish everyone all the best!!!

But they also say "out of sight, out of mind". I think I will keep in touch with her occasionally, and perhaps she will grow fonder in between. I got my letter that she forwarded to me. I have become better at controlling my thoughts. At first I was a bit down, since there was no note or any other word from her in the envelope. But then I though, I am putting way to much interpretation into this. So what, there is no note! She is communicating with me on Whatsapp and calling me. That alone, I wouldn't have expected 2 months ago. She is not the cheating kind, so I don't expect her to do so. Maybe they will have a falling out, and if I am in regular contact with her, I can take it from there. That may happen tomorrow, it may have happened yesterday already, it may happen in 6 months or it may never happen. In the meanwhile, I am keeping my eyes open to other women. If it happens in a year and I am happy with someone else, bad luck for her.

Unfortunately he exist for sure, and they are for sure together too. Remember that I had a backup of her phone, so I could read all her messages. Also with whatsapp you can see when someone is online if you have their phone number (without them being able to see you). Since I have a backup of her phone I have his number too.. So I can see they are always online in parallel, and if my ex is not online for days (like the case just a few weeks ago where her handy had a virus), neither is he. So that would be a heck of coincidence. From the messages - at least until 3 month ago when I did the backup - they were dating and in love. Since then facts are: 1) When they started out, her neck was doing fine. Now they had probably 2 month of hell, with her being hospitalized 2 weeks and being in rehabilitation for 3 weeks. 2) They are not living together (according to her, she could lie - or he could be there all the time, but still have his own apartment). 3) She communicates regularly with him (at least with high enough probability to list it as a fact) 4) She is communicating with me again. The question is how she sees me now after 5 1/2 months post breakup. Maybe her infatuation for him faded after the honeymoon period? Maybe he is having second thoughts? Maybe she realized that nobody is perfect? Maybe she is finally opening her eyes to what a big mistake she made... I look better, I have a better job, I am a great and loyal friend and partner, I don't cheat, no one ever complained about my skills in bed, I do interesting things, I can cook, I am pretty intelligent, I have a good education and a broad knowledge, I like to have interesting conversation, I have no "old luggage" (except for her at the moment), no old psychological problems, harmonic family, no kids or other stuff that ties me to people from my past, I have good taste, I do thing my own way... WHY AM I AT ALL SINGLE!! The girls on this board and other relationship boards can probably confirm: There are a lot of not so interesting guys out there or bastards, that cheat or otherwise treat their partner without respect. Finding a good man is probably a lot more difficult, than finding a good woman.

I guess I have to learn not to take every little piece so serious... By that I mean not to interpret too much into anything, be it positive or negative. She didn't reply... so what? Next message she almost apologizes that her whatsapp didn't work. She tell me that she doesn't want to have contact with me, and writes and call me 2 months later etc. Had I e.g. know 2 months ago, when she told me that she didn't want to have contact with me again, that I would be having civil conversation with her again, I probably wouldn't have wasted so many tears on it. It is harder said than done, but I guess the solution to the problem you mention is to take all more easy and without thinking and interpreting too much. For all I know she may call next tuesday, that she misses me and want me back, and I would have wasted almost 6 month being sad and worried, instead of enjoying all the benefits of living alone and not having a worry of the day. What only matters is the end result. And for that there is only one acceptable outcome: That we both live happily ever after (either together or with other each with other people). Some other curious things from our conversation and all past conversations, since the breakup. She never mentions him! Not even in general terms, like my new boyfriend etc. She doesn't mention him in any activities either. Like "I painted the kitchen", not "we" - though it would be pretty weird if he didn't help or maybe even it was he who did it. Or she told me how much she has to work and only had a few days off before she has to fly again... So I asked what she would do on her days off: "visit a girlfriend and relax the next day before she had to work". It's like he doesn't exist! I also asked if she still lived alone in the house and the answer was just "yes".

Also wanted to answer you KayC, her problem with her neck is really serious. When she was hospitalized, one arm was paralyzed and the other numb (both doing ok again), just to tell you that I am not exaggerating my concerns about her. They actually wanted to operate her, but she declined and was medicated heavily instead. She would also lose her ability to work as a flight attendant if they were to operate her. Had we been together, I WOULD have stood by her side. But we are not, and that is her choice. I can't say if it matters or not, yet. I just can't leave it here just because it may be difficult in the future, so I guess she is important enough. If there will be a round 4,5,6 etc. and eventually a meet, I guess I will know when I look into her eyes. One year ago, I was certain that if I would be in a car crash, she would have feed me with a spoon for the rest of my life if necessary. I guess you never know where love goes.

Since the message at the 20th, I have been communicating with her regularly. I ended the first "round" of messages, saying I had to work and we could write another time. hoping she would resume contact. Then she wasn't online for more days (we use whatsapp) and I started to get worried. So after a few days, I answered some questions she asked in the first round. More days went by, and she still wasn't online, which actually made me worried if something had happened to her. But then all of a sudden she was online again and immediately answered my message. (I learned afterwards that she had a virus on her phone and was forced forced to reset it and didn't have whatsapp installed). So we wrote back and forth again and she stopped answering, then all of a sudden write me at 2 o'clock in the morning. Turns out that she had a flight to the States, and answered my message again as soon as she had WiFi connection again (I was coincidentally awake because I had to go to work for an early flight). The point is that she answers quite eagerly as soon as she gets my messages. The contents was pretty much trivial. Over the next days we exchanged a few messages. She in hotel somewhere and me too, on each side of the planet... This round 2, turned out to be a lot about my work, since she asked a lot of questions. I felt she ended round 2, with a comment in her last reply, basically translated "I wish you lot of fun now and in the future". I wasn't sure if she just meant my work or if it was a polite way to terminate the conversation, so I didn't write any further. I felt bad that the conversation had turned out so work related and though I had bored her, it wasn't my intention at all, but I was just answering her questions, and had expected the conversation to continue to move on to other topics. So KayC, you were right... It did set me back, because I felt miserable for the next days. I was thinking how to get the conversation restarted and if it was a good idea at all. Or if I should go back to no contact. Then this morning, a message from her... the "usual" "Hi, hope you are doing well. A letter came for you. Greetings". So I thought I would do differently this time, and answered her very positive, with a rather longwinded "good, you? who's from, can you open it etc." Then... she calls me! We talked for about an hour and it was a real nice and positive conversation. All topics were touched except "him" and "our past". Most important parts from the conversation was that I asked her "if she was happy with her decisions", to which she answered "yes, she though it was for the better, and if I didn't think so now too?" to which my reply was "I will keep that to myself". She asked if I had found a new girlfriend, and my reply was "I am taking my time, and not rushing into anything" (a bit mean reply I guess, considering what she did). Both question took place in the middle of the conversation, so they didn't make it awkward or served to terminate the conversation. Afterwards, we exchanged messages for about 2 hours. She sent me some picture of things she changed in her house and some paintings she had painted. She never painted anything for the 3.5 years we were together! And what she had made was actually quite good. Round 3 ended with the greeting "bis bald", which means "until soon" or more like "CU" in English. I gave her my address for sending me my letter, so there should be opportunity for a round 4. So KayC, you were wrong too, because now I feel pretty good. If she is interested in reconciliation somewhere down the road, or not, will probably depend a lot on how I play my cards. And, of course, things out of my control - like how her relationship develops etc. And also who crosses my path in the meantime. This is probably a long term project. I am open for either. What makes me feel good is that at least it seems she still cares for me (answers immediately, shows interest and takes her time to correspond with me), and the feeling that I had since the breakup, that she didn't care at all, was actually the worst. I am actually quite satisfied with the replies I gave her to the crucial questions. Because, it signals that I am available, but probably not forever. And the "I'll keep that to myself", I think ambiguous and mysterious enough not to sound needy, but for her to interpret as I probably still don't agree with her decision. Looking forward to hearing your interpretations. You are really both of great help, because KayC, you always take care of me (thank you for that!) and Pollara, you always give me worst case scenario.

(Hope I don't sound like a terrible person, but it was HER choice to leave me)

Sadly she had serious problems with her neck and was hospitalized for a long time. I predicted that she would be in over her head, with the work and the house, and it seems I was right. She simply doesn't get that once you have a slipped disk, you have to be careful forever, even if it feels ok on the day. And having one in the neck is the worst because it carries a great risk to operate. It was cause for many arguments before she broke up with me (like telling her not to lift heavy stuff, which she would ignore, which would make me mad). I have to figure out if I even want these problems from someone who dumped me. Potentially problems that in extreme case could be seriously disabling handicap like paralysis (pain getting too much -> operation necessary -> operation going wrong). Or after what she has put me through, should I count my blessings and say it's not my problem anymore? I mean even if it's not going that bad, this is a problem she will have for the rest of her life - slipped disks don't get better, at best they stay the same if you are being careful. Who ever will be her partner will have to deal with it lifelong too. I am not saying that I could definitely get her back, but I have to ask myself if it is really relevant if I don't want her. If I do decide not to pursue her any further, then I might also be OK with the communication developing into friendship. Anyway, I answered her questions about my work. And asked some further questions about her health. I'll see where it is going and take it from there...

Well I got a reply. And an immediate one, once she read my message. She most certainly wants to communicate! She replied very politely and with some quite personal information (for which I didn't ask, I only sent what you have seen above!), and asked me again how I got settled in my new place and how my job is. I cut the communication, by saying I was on the road and would write her another day. I did so because I need time to process her reply.

To be precise I said I don't expect her to break it off with him immediately. But in fact, I don't expect anything - not even a reply. I hope that it could lead to one of either 2: 1) Communication that over time would want her to quit out of her new relationship. I have no idea how serious it is, and how into him she is or vice versa. I have no idea what she feels towards me. 2) If she is indeed head of heals in love and the is no chance that she would leave that guy, maybe some sort of communication that in a good way would tie things up for me and make it possible for me to move on and stop thinking about her.

P.s. What I am trying to accomplish is to see if she did indeed reach out or not, when she wrote me on Facebook a couple of month ago. I don't expect her to immediately break up with the new one and come back to me because of a small text. What I do hope it will accomplish is to open the lines of communication - and then take it from there depending on the response (or if the case - lack off). After long consideration and a few drafts, I found the above the best. There is no pressure, no feelings and no questions. She can reply if she wants and what she wants. + it will make her wonder what I did in xxx (he get's around, not sitting at home crying over me). To her knowledge my present work doesn't lead me there (although that was the case). So it may make her wonder why I was there, with whom I may have met (common friends perhaps?) and with whom I may have gone eating (does he have a new gf?). Am curious what reply I will get and for sure you will be updated. :-)

Well, we will see, because I sent it a few hours ago, over whatsapp (she didn't see it yet). Slightly modified, from above... no hello, no goodbye... just (translated): "I was in xxx last week and was once again dining at xxx. Thought of how oft we went there. :-p Hope you are doing well!"

I can't take the no contact anymore. I HAVE to contact her. I have to know what is going on in her life. I need to know where I stand. I think I will write her a text tomorrow. This last week I was in the city where I lived until november last year, and until I moved in with her and her father. I went to a restaurant where we went at least 20 times together. I think I will send her a picture on whatsapp and a casual text along the lines "Hey, I was in xx last week and went to xx. Made me think of you, and wanted to ask how you are doing?"

Arbitrator, your situation sounds similar to mine. Except one major difference. She was totally into me (3.5 years relationship - own thread here ), wanted to get married and have children. I was the one holding back for various reasons. Similarities: She has a history of depression. She was medicated for years and even hospitalized in her teens - so for sure some sort of problem which was never properly diagnosed, my guess borderline. Dumped me for another a few months (may) after her father died in january. Maybe Pollara is right. Something was missing in the relationships, and the death was just a trigger for them to pull the plug... Or maybe Pollara is wrong about them having energy for a new relationship preclude that the breakup is due to grief. Maybe the new relationship is easier. Anyway, the advice to let go, from Pollara, is sound in any case. Even if the breakup was due to grief, there is no guarantee the will come back, because maybe the new easier relationship is in fact a better choice for them. I am unfortunately stuck in the process...

Thanks... It's been almost 5 months already, I have been worried many times if I am getting stuck in the process. Hope that the time that it has taken so far - and the time it will take to recover completely - is in the "normal" range.

Good news. I met a girl at work, and I think I have become infatuated by her (funny how one use technical expressions after trawling the web for anything that has to do with love for the past 5 months). Don't know if it is mutual yet, but I intend to find out. I am still thinking about my ex. but probably 30% vs. 70% the new one. And more important, I would prefer to explore a future with her if possible over getting back together with my ex. Please wish me luck! :-)

What is nagging me is that she DID contact me (with the facebook message that she had mail for me), but I choose to ignore her. I am still struggling with myself if that was the right thing to do, or if she was reaching out and testing the waters.

I have for the past two days been stuck in the past again. By that I mean thinking insanely much about her, reading old messages, reading up on stuff on the internet - (Borderline Personality Disorder, to which I have to say the description fits like a glove on her e.g. http://gettinbetter.com/waif.html ). ANYWAY it should matter to me AT ALL! I shouldn't care from what diseases she may suffer (or not if I am just imagining things - heck she may even be the sane one and I the one with a problem), because it is OVER and has nothing to do with me anymore. I took another step today, and that is blocking her completely from Facebook and Whatsapp. Why should I allow her to follow what is happening in my life? The only reason I let her before was the secret hope, that from letting her, she would regain interest in me. Why would I even want her to get interested in me again? Why would I want someone, with all her problems back in my life!