Mary1063

Thank you Marty, I figured out the registration. Just waiting on confirmation email back. Mary is sleeping. I left. I need rest. Hopefully she will sleep all night. My user name is R.Everit55. I go by Butch since a small child. Goodnight

Hi everyone, It's Butch. I tried and tried again and again to create my own account here to no avail. It's repeatedly saying the answer to the registration question is incorrect. So I gave up. Thank you Kay for updating things here. In spite of the loss of your Mom. I'm so very sorry again. Thank you to everyone for prayers for Shannon's baby nephew. Its truly heartwrenching. I can not imagine their pain right now. And for continuing to uplift Mary as well... Thank you. I will post under Mary's account I guess since I'm obviously failing at trying to register for myself. Nerves are running thin here and exhaustion very high. On my way out back to the nursing home as Mary is having another tough evening. God bless.

Thank you all so very much. I read all of your words to Mary this evening. She had a most emotional day and evening. She remembers when we all had to say our goodbyes to Leo a year ago. It's not just losing him one year ago, but Shannon lost him too and had to keep fighting her cancer with setbacks and grief and loss of will to fight anymore without Leo. It is too much loss to bear for Mary. I just held her as she cried. Trying to get her to not cry because of her difficulty breathing. That was challenging. She got a sedative before I left this evening and I stayed until she was asleep before I slipped out. She wants to see our grandsons but she is still in critical care for a few more days so no kiddos. She cried and smiled all at once when I read your words to her. Thank you for your kindness in the face of your own grief and pain. Goodnight. God bless. Butch

Hi all, Mary is successfully off the ventilator. Trying to speak. Not such an easy job between being very winded and having a constant Oxygen mask on to help. Plus the aftermath from this most recent stroke has left her unable to get any words out. It is heartbreaking to see her frustration and pain. Her eyes show it all. She knows today is 1 year since Leo passed away. And she cannot talk about it. It is agonizing to witness. I brought some photos of he and Shannon and our family. I tried to talk to her. To tell her it is okay. Her brother (and Shannon and Ziggy) know where her heart is. Words are not needed. She just got so upset so I left for a little bit here. The Dr is ordering something to help her relax more. I will go back in a bit. I took today off. Bad memories from a year ago today. I just want to take it away from my wife. I also realize she is headed down the same road as her two brothers and their parents. God bless. And thank you. Butch

Thank you all for your kindness, thoughts, and prayers. I read Mary your replies this evening and even though she can't talk she attempted a smile while at the same time tears formed in her eyes. She was happy. When life is this difficult, it sure is the sweet little things that bring joy. I thank you from our family for bringing her joy. Tomorrow she will be taken off the vent and see if she is able to hold her oxygen up on her own. Dr said it may take a few tries. Physical therapy is with her daily moving her legs and arms to prevent more atrophy. Goodnight. Blessing to each of you. Butch

Hi folks, This is Mary's husband. Very flustered. It took me a while to navigate through signing in and I apologize if this post is not where it belongs. Mary had a much more significant stroke about a month ago now. She has been on a respirator. Her brain function is worse but she just won't stop fighting. Drs are slowly trying to wean her from the respirator. We talk to her. She can't talk back obviously but listens, tries to smile, and shows so much expression in her eyes. Squeezing hands is impossible on her left side and weak on her right. Emotionally, she knows that Thursday will be one year since Leo passed. She misses her brother immensely. As do we all. I must work during the week which makes everything more difficult. It's 10am here and I was suppose to be at the hospital by now. I better get things in gear. I thought I would stop and update you dear people who have supported Mary and our family. Prayers to you all... Butch.

This is Butch... Typing for Mary. Thank you everyone for your thoughts and prayers. I'm overloaded with frustration with inability to do so much. I apologize for not being able to be here. My prayers are with everyone. I wanted to share a couple photos... Of Shannon's new niece who arrived two weeks ago. Maddie. short for Madyleine. And she shares Shannon's middle name. She came out screaming! I guess she had a lot to say... Take care of each other please.

Hi friends. It's been so long since I've been here. Thank you ALL who've prayed for me. I'm home. I begged my cardiologist to let me be home this weekend. Today is my youngest grandsons sixth birthday. I see the dr tomorrow. My bp is still erratic. As well as my heart rate. I'm afraid a pacemaker will have to be placed. That's fine. I'll. do whatever I need to do... I just needed to be home to see my grandsons. I'm exhausted. I've enclosed a pic of my grandson on his first birthday and one today making cookies. I wanted to say more. I'm just very weak. Prayers to all. Much love.

Where do I begin. Other than to thank all of you for your support and love to my darling SIL Shannon. When my brother was ill and when he passed on. And the support, prayers, and love in her own battle with that cancer that took her. I just feel like i have to keep expressing my thanks to you all that were there for her and my brother. Maybe a way of keeping them "alive". I don't know. I'm hating cancer right now. I'm hating heart failure, diabetes, and strokes that inevitably took both my brothers too soon. Regarding Shan, honestly I feel in my heart it was not really the cancer that took her, but rather her shattered heart and soul in losing the love of her life in my brother. I 100% believe she would still be here today fighting or in remission, had he not passed. It's still all too much for me. I'm crying so much lately. I thought tears cleansed the heart and released some despair, however not right now. It is seemingly endless. I am seeing Rose... And that is much more difficult than I thought. She knew everything about Shan and I suppose it is making it very bittersweet. The suicide of my own therapist is putting me over the top. As well as the passing of our birth mother... And the regret that I never attempted to make peace. Leo did. I couldn't. I went inpatient in the psych unit for nine days where I was quickly put on three new meds for grief, depression, and panic attacks. It's hard to really notice a difference because this grief is immensely overwhelming right now. Perhaps it's better than being numb? It will be 5 months on Monday since Shan joined her Mom and my brother. And many others. It still seems like yesterday though. May will be one year since Leo passed... It's just overwhelming. How does the time, the days, the weeks, the months pass just like it was yesterday? The world keeps going, but I feel like I'm suspended in time. Is this a common feeling for anyone here? Sorry I went on and on. I've got to try to sleep. Though when I try to put my head to the pillow, the sobbing really begins.

Happy Birthday Dear Fae

Oh Anne, I'm so very sorry you have lost so much. I'm sorry you lost your beloved Benji. I'm so sorry you are missing your sister. I'm so sorry you have lost so many you love. I'm sending you warm prayers and hugs.

Thank you all. My Mother passed on very early this morning. I don't know how I feel except relief and guilt for feeling relief. I have few good memories of she and my brothers and sister. Before we all were taken away. I perhaps should have gotten to know her with Leo and attempted to have some fences mended but I chose not to. She will be cremated. I can not take on that responsibility and wwe spoke to the nursing home Sunday about it. The state will pay for her cremation. And there will be no service. Only a memorial at the nursing home for her friends. They are taking care of it all. Thank God because I just cannot. However, my heart is heavy. Why? I don't know really. Maybe for what never was. Marty, thank you for the article on the loss of therapist to suicide. I'm really grappling with her loss. I will be starting to see Rose. I thought it would be a conflict of interest, because she treated Shan but she says no it is ok. It is very cold here and we are expecting a foot of snow between now and morning. I'm still struggling with bronchitis. Keep warm everyone.

Thank dear Fae, I feel your hugs. They are better over the Internet than in person right now... I wouldn't want to pass this bronchitis along! I hope you are well. I send hugs back. And as Shan always told me she loved... Your *twinkles*.

Hi Bill's Mary and thank you. Yes, Shan had a blessed therapist for nearly eight years. She has remained in contact with me since Sept. However, she is seeing clients on a part-time basis now. She offered to fit me into her schedule. If and when I am ready. I am thinking on it. It's hard. One thing that Shan and I had very much in common was a trust issue and heightened fear of loss. So as you can imagine, my own therapist's passing and to suicide at that, is really throwing me for a loop. Obviously I realize I do need the support. It is just so hard for obvious reasons. When it comes down to it though, I know pretty quickly here that I will have no choice but to accept new help. And honestly, Rose is so easy to talk to. As far as rest, I am trying my very best. I mainly doze for short periods. This bronchitis certainly isn't making it easier as I must pretty much sit up to relieve congestion and coughing. Uggghhh...

My heart goes out to you Kay. I will say more at a later time, I'm headed to try to sleep as I'm sick and exhausted. Hugs...

Sorry, I've been gone. Literally, not home. My birth Mom... Who did not raise myself, my brothers, and our little sister past a very young age... Is on her death bed. She is in end stage liver failure. My feelings are very sorely mixed. Leo felt some "obligation" towards her when he was still here. So now I am taking on that role. Also, my therapist of more than ten years passed on last Saturday. Suddenly, by suicide. My feelings regarding her are very mixed and complex right now. As much as I wish to go into all this is, I guess I am in protection mode and not certain all I am really honestly feeling. I am preparing for my Mom's passing and arrangements. I was asked to be in charge of that because my brother is no longer here to do so. I'm angry. I'm just plain angry. I'm exhausted. And that is making me ill. I've got bronchitis now, so arrangements have been slow going. Thank God for my husband. I'm still getting used to the seizure meds I've been on so the side effects are driving me bonkers. I miss my brother. I miss them both. I miss my SIL. This family has been through way too much. I. Am. Done. Emotionally. Why my therapist chose to end her life is so messed up. That is killing me. This is so "all over the place". I apologize. I'm going to attempt to rest. Though too many demons are in my head and heart.

I'm posting this here because most of you know of my brother Leo and his wife Shannon. And Leo had my husband help him purchase something for Shan at the end of his battle... To be given to her with a letter when The Lord took him from her. We never gave it to her following his passing. She was in her own battle for life. It just didn't seem a priority at the time... Saving her life was. I regret that "unintentional forgetfulness" regarding this blessed gift from Leo. I think those here who knew Shan, knew of their immense love and devotion for each other. Well, since Shan passed I have had this gift to her from Leo and never wanted to open it. I finally did tonight. Read his letter to her which was short but absolutely pure devoted love. And the gift is the pic I have included, which doesn't do it justice when seen in person. The story behind it, is at the time of their marriage, Leo could only afford very cheap sterling silver wedding bands. (No diamond ring). So this is 10 carat white gold with a 1/2 carat diamond ring with band including diamonds in the band. The pic doesn't do it justice. I am so very sorry we never gave this to her following his death. It just slipped my mind... I just wanted to get her to survive. My heart is breaking because had Butch or I thought clearer then maybe giving this gift from Leo would have kept her here. If she heard the letter he wrote to her, I think it would have given her hope to survive. Shame on me? For being selfish... Just wanted to share this with those of you who knew Shannon and her love with my brother. I think maybe y'all can imagine what he wrote in the letter. But I really can't convey that right now for it is just pure honorable devotion and selfless love and its overwhelming me. If you knew my brother, you'd know he was not the kind for heart felt expression. But this speaks his heart. I'm glad they are together eternally now. Just sad...

Hi friends, Physically, mentally, and emotionally I am doing pretty awful. I've had more seizures since coming home from the hospital. Medication is still being tweaked and I'm just exhausted no matter how much I rest. PT and OT have been working with me. But I'm just not getting anywhere it seems. Sunday was seven months since Leo passed. It was also Shannon's Mother's birthday... A day she always was so pained on. So I know she is in her Mom's arms as she always wanted. But seven months without my brother is still quite a stab in the heart. He was a fighter for so many years. He should be here. And I know... I know without a doubt... That Shannon would have not given up her battle had Leo been here. Leo fought time and time and time again simply because he knew Shan was there loving him through it all. But Shan never had that through her cancer following his death. The only consolation in my heart is that my big brother is with his loving wife for eternity and with my other big brother. Rambling... Yes... It's just a very hard time. And bittersweet after reading all of Shannon's posts here with all of you. Thanks to Kay for sending me them all. But seeing her very first was a year ago this January 6th. You all were there for her. And through so much. I can't ever express my gratitude to all of you who loved and supported Shan in her losses and in Leo's illness and passing and then in her own battle. And welcoming me here too. My head is hurting so badly right now. So I'd better go rest. I wish you all peace and health in this new year to come. With much love always.

Oh Anne, thank for remembering My Brothers and Shannon. Thank you all. I'm sorry I've not been here. I've been hospitalized, as six days ago I suffered several seizures. After tests, I was told the part of the brain in back of the head, the cerebellum, is much lower than it should be. And many of the blood vessels are shrinking and dying. This is hereditary along with the diabetes I have and my brothers had. I'm home. On medication. Very tired and weak. The cerebellum issue unfortunately has no treatment. It's fairly rare... Mostly in diabetics... But both Ziggy and Leo had this. I will be having PT and OT come out to me. I'm very very sleepy. I just wanted to say thank you. And sorry I've been absent. Holiday hugs to you all.

Thank you Mary, Anne, and Fae I'm doing my best to eat little meals. Yesterday was three months since Shan passed. As close as I was to my brothers, I cannot really begin to express how close I was to Shan and how deeply my love was for her. It almost feels like I didn't really know how much until she was gone. And that hurts my heart because perhaps if I could have made her feel more love, she would have fought harder to survive. However, I know how lost she felt without my brother. And her Mom as well. Sorry, I'm just rambling... I'm going back to nap on this chilly morning. We got ice and snow. Stay warm. You all are in my prayers and thoughts... I know everyone is struggling this holiday season with grief and physical ailments. Hugs and love. XO

Thank you dears, Mary and Fae So I spent yesterday, last night, and today in the hospital. My blood pressure spiked to a dangerously high 176/131 and I am on verapamil, benicar, and HCTZ. Still it scared the life out of me. After monitoring and blood work, they determined my potassium and sodium were way too low. Thus putting stress on my heart. Causing the elevation in BP and irregular heart beat. So I got IV stuff pumped in. Things feel better today. My numbers improved enough to be discharged. I got "lectured" on having to force myself to eat and drink even though I have zero appetite. So I'm home. And trying to behave myself. Eating little meals several times a day will be the key. Depression really has a grip on me. Going now to have a spinach and fruit smoothie and a grilled ham and cheese sandwich my son made me.

I'm in a very horribly deep depression. Numbness is still huge. But pain is in my heart too. The holidays are weighing on my heart so heavily. It's very hard to get up every day. And very hard to get through very dark long lonely nights. Don't get me wrong, I am so grateful I have my husband. For so many do not. Honestly the only reason I am functioning for the holidays is for my two grandsons. They are the reason I still breathe in and out each day. It's so hard though to put on a smile. It's so hard to breathe in and out. I look at their faces and they are the reason to keep trying.

Thank you Bill's Mary. Peace to you as well.

Dear Anne, Wishing you moments of peace on your special day. Hugs!

I'm missing my big brothers. And Shannon. I want to sleep through this holiday season. Thanksgiving and my brothers birthday were so hard. Christmas is only happening for my grandsons. My heart is so empty, yet immensely heavy. And the emotion just still is locked inside me. It's still so hard to wrap my head around Leo and Shannon being gone. Ziggy is easier a bit because its been 9 1/2 yrs. found some pics. The baby boys are Samuel (Ziggy) on the left and Leo on the right. The other pic is myself, my son, my husband, Ziggy, Leo, and my pup who is no longer with us. And then one with Leo, Ziggy, and myself. From 2001... Three yrs before Ziggy passed. And the. One of Leo from a couple yrs ago.