My 3 year old bunny passed away yesterday... and it was my fault. I'm utterly heartbroken.
She was everything to me. I did SO much research after behavioural and health issues with my last bunny and I got 2nd and 3rd opinions about the necessity of having rabbits spayed to prevent uterine cancer. The entire process made me sick, but since the risk of her breed getting cancer I was willing to do it to save her pain and suffering later in her life.
I found the best vet in the city... the procedure went well and upon waking up she crashed... The first call I got, I was told her heart stopped 3 times and she wasn't breathing on her own. I was certain that was it and I started to accept she was gone. The second call I got, she still wasn't breathing and they had reason to believe she was brain dead. We agreed they'd stop trying and I told them not to call me once she'd passed, I had to discuss with my family how we could handle her remains and I'd call the vet back. My dad called them back as my mom and I discussed what to do with her cage, etc... then my dad told us she had started breathing on her own. She was alive, strong breath and heartbeat. We went to see her. She was limp and still drugged up but alive. We went back a few hours after and she was much more herself. I got to hold her, I burst into tears because I was so relieved she was alive, and she was responding to me - it was looking up. We left and 10 minutes away we got a call saying she crashed again. We went back, the vet was working on her - it was heartbreaking so I had to leave. In the car I had told my dad we couldn't keep doing this and I didn't want her to suffer anymore, so though it was a decision I had made, he ended up having to tell them. It killed me that I couldn't see my responsibility to her through - especially since the entire reason she had the surgery, the reason she was there, the reason a decision had to be made in the first place was all my doing.
I didn't say goodbye to her before her surgery because though my gut told me something was off, I wanted to stay positive and I had struggled with the decision to have it done for SO long, trying to weigh the small risk (there is a 1% chance that a rabbit could die from this procedure) with the potential of giving her more healthy years. So that first phone call was horrible, realizing I should've said goodbye. I did take a picture with her at least. Then my dad telling me she was breathing.... I've never felt that relieved. Then to have that time to visit, see her improve and have her die after all.... I just have no words. I've always believed everything happens for a reason... but yesterday changed that. I can't possibly find a reason, not only that she would be the 1% but that it had to be such a rollarcoaster. There can't possibly be a reason that she literally died and came back to us just to leave again!
Then there's my family... she was mine and I took the time and financial responsiblity of taking care of her, but they were all so attached to her and I hate that this decision that I made has hurt them as well. I know I was doing it for the right reasons... but that really doesn't matter right now. I can't help but think of ALL the opportunities I had yesterday alone to change my mind about the surgery, take her home.... and she'd still be here. Every single action that got her into that operating room is on me. And not only is that decision hurting my family, it killed my best friend.
After that explanation I'm sure this sounds absolutely horrible, but I'm curious what people think about getting a new pet right away? I'm fully aware of the dangers of jumping into a new companion relationship so soon after a death but I know myself... and as honest as I am that having a new bunny (that I would ensure is a different colour, even a different but similar breed - I like lops) will be tough at points due to my loss.... and I'll admit I feel like a failure and I'm not even sure I deserve to be trusted with the life of another. I also know that since my bunny was so big in my life, not having a bunny in the cage outside my room or a bunny to hop around while I'm reading my textbooks on the floor in the hallway.... all the things in my life I adapted to include a bunny... I think that will make it even harder to get over.
Maybe I'm not explaining properly - I'm normally very well spoken, but I'm a complete mess right now. I would never get a new bunny to replace the one I had and it's not a decision I take lightly. But since everyone handles grief differently, and I truly believe I would be better equipped to grieve my bunny while building a new bond with another.... is it completely crazy that I'm considering this? I think if I went to the humane society and I could interact with the bunnies there... I'll know one way or another if it's the right time for me. I hate that in this whole ordeal I listened to "research" and "what was right" instead of my gut feeling. Right at this moment, my gut is telling me I'm not going to be okay with a house full of reminders that my bunny is gone, it's also telling me that having a new bunny to focus on would not replace her, but it would allow me to balance the grief with something more positive - something that needs me to buck up and take care of it and love it.
