KarenH

Hi everyone, A huge, deep sigh of relief that my house has been de-Christmased, my son left for a New Year's Eve party where i know he will be spending the night and I have poured a glass of wine to congratulate myself that i have made it through. Time does march on, doesn't it? Can't wait to get back into a routine and be done with this season. Here's what i would really like to share with you. I have decided to start a book with my son. It will be called "What I am Thankful For." I love to rubber stamp, emboss and watercolor, so I am going to make a fancy cover for a binder and put plain old college lined paper in it. I told him we really should write every week, but if it's more often that would be great. Somehow I want to look forward now that a year has passed and try to dwell on the positive. If even it is things we are thankful for in the past...no boundaries...not time frames. Just thankfullness. I'm thankful that you welcomed me into your community and I have a place to retreat in some of my darkest hours. Now I come to you at a brighter moment and wish hope for you in the new year. A wise friend of mine told me on Christmas day that there are good things in the future for me, I just don't feel it right now. I hope she is right. Peace, karenH

Derek, Thanks for breaching the subject. Paul and I and Riley have vacationed at the same place in Florida for 12 years. On Christmas Day a good friend of mine who is 80 (I'm still in my 40s) called me. She has been in a second relationship with a man who is 86 for several years. They have always mantained seperate homes, summered together and traveled together. Their relationship is based on friendship, love and independence. I have been thinking lately that I hope to possibly find a relationship like that. While Riley is still living at home (15 years old) I don't forsee anyone being too full time in his life. He has already told me he would not like anyone I would date. Of course, that's irrational, but he idolized his father. Carson is younger...he might welcome a new female influence in his life. Companionship is part of the human condition. I am reading a book right now called the "Spirituality of Imperfection" and it touches on the fact that everyone is a little broken in their own way, and that's OK. The theory is: I'm not OK and you're not OK and that's OK. The chapter I finished most recently deals with the fact that people want to hear their own story...to have a sense of community. I have decided to seek out a widow support group and start there. When I mentioned it to a friend of mine she was very encouraging stating that my group of friends has tried to make things better but know they fall short because they simply haven't been there. I was touched by her honesty. We deserve the happiness and closeness that a relationship of love and frindship can offer us. Good for you for getting in touch with that reality. you sound like a terrific person, whoever you choose would be a lucky person. KarenH P.S. How did Christmas go for Carson?

I too am sorry for your loss. I lost my husband last December and my Grandmother this past Nov. and am also raising a son alone. Never a good time, but this time of year sure does make it harder. Loss can be a very cold feeling, don't beat yourself up over being honest. People here really respond with support when you post a need. You know, I realized to day that I have not said Merry Christmas to anyone in 2 years. When they say it to me I just say thanks. Merry just doesn't describe how we feel right now. Take care of yourself, Karen

John, Wonderful words you shared. I have a friend who has had her share of issues with her daughters and she always says the one thing you can control is your attitude. After reading your post, i think it really does come down to that...how we perceive and deal with life's curve balls. Doesn't make it hurt less, but I'm trying to control my attitude in a more positive way. Also, that was one of Paul's favorite songs. Makes me smile and cry at the same time. Thanks for sharing. Karen P.S. I'm re-reading "The Spirituality of Imperfection, Storytelling and the Journey to Wholeness" by Ernest Kurtz and Katerine Ketchum. You might want to check it out.

Hi Jenn, Last summer I combined our two rings into one and now wear it on my right hand. My engagement ring is an antique setting and I had it cut and sodderered onto Paul's band and fitted to my finger. I love it...we are still one in a tangible way. It was hard to do, though don't get me wrong. I also participated in in food basket and gifts for a needy family, it does make you feel good. I keep telling myself there's always a worse story out there than what I'm enduring. It was a year for me on the 10th, so Christmas has pretty much been ruined forever, helping someone else does ease the pain a bit. Take care, karen

John, If you're ever in Chicago, would you let me know. Not to sound wierd or stalking or anything, I just would like to meet you if you happen to be in the region. You sound like such an awesome person. I am hurting so badly right now and I know you know why. Brain tumors, what an evil affliction. Karen

Wow, you people are honest. My drug of choice is wine, which flows feely at everyone's house I go to. What they don't know is that it's a daily choice at home. We always shared one with candlelight at dinner. Every day. With our son (he didn't drink the wine, just shared in the candlelight). Now it's no candlelight, just wine. Thinking about a local support group after the holidays. Thanks for your honesty. By the way, my black lab was nestled up next to me one cold snowy Saturday morning and it brought back feelings of comfort and safety, if only for a minute. They really are man's best friend, aren't they? Karen

Thanks for sharing that, John. I'm having a rough time right now, it is the day after Paul's one year anniversary. I just finished reading all the cards he got when he had his first brain surgery, they were all so upbeat that he was going to win his battle. And there were so many of them! 10 months later when we knew he needed another surgery, and that the odds were against us, I told him that in the long run his path was probably going to be easier, because he would be at peace and the rest of us would be the ones suffering. And boy are we suffering. He touched a lot of people in the way your poem suggested. A room changed when he walked in and I was always happy to be walking into it with him. How do you ever get that joy back into your life? You actually sound like you are doing very well. I'm glad for that. I hope your holiday season brings you some happiness. Karen

How can a year feel so long and so short at the same time? Yesterday was a year after Paul's death and I spent it at church, the annual pageant. So many happy families gathered together to perform and watch, fellowship dinner, it used to be the best night of the year. This morning my son, 6'1" tall, 15-years-old cried like a 5-year-old and couldn't go to school. It's just too much, pretending at this time of year for everyone else. So we are staying home today just being miserable together. I feel so bad for him to be so young and have faced so much loss already. On top of it my grandmother died a month ago today...I had been taking care of her all summer and finally hired someone at the end of August. My grief is all so tangled up. Paul, Dorothy and now the fact that my only family is my son brings back the sorrow of losing my parents. In the last 15 years my entire family died and I'm still only in my 40s. It's unbelievable to me, whatever God's plan is I sure hope He changes course. Last year at this time I was still in shock and so many people rallied around to keep us busy. This year it feels all too real. I just want this season to go away. Sorry...that vent ought to last a while. Karen

Hi Kay, I share your sentiments completely. My grandmother died on the 11th of November and the 1-year anniversary of Paul's death is dec. 10. That was the last of my family except my son and I'm still only in my 40s. Lonely doesn't even describe it. Amazingly, my son is still looking forward to Christmas and told me the other day he's looking forward to spending the day with me. He's 15 and a really good person, so I'm setting my sights on making it a good day for him. Not sure how, yet, but I will try. You're right about people thinking it's time you're over it. Someone told me over Thanksgiving weekend, no less, that I needed to start a new chapter in my life. Yeah right. Walk a mile in our shoes. Church actually does help me, I am good friends with our pastor and his wife and the people there are the most understanding of my friends. My son's best friends stem from the youth group, so at least I one place of solice, although I've had my spiritual challenges the past couple of years. I hope you're having a better day today, you always write such inspiring insights, my thoughts are with you. Karen

Thanks to everyone, You all are great. Today, Monday, is better because I have help. The nurse comes tomorrow and hopefully I can get continuous care this weekend. It's just that with a full time job and the single parenting I really can't do it all, but dorothy always says I should. She has senility, so I can't blame her, but by Sunday night it's craksville. Thanks for your support and caring. I appreciate the warm thoughts. I keep trying to focus on the blessings...be they few and far between. You all are one of them. Thank you. KarenH

Chrissy , How brave you are. It's a ******* nightmare indeed. You are an inspiration. When i was your age my mother died and my son was very young and I thought that was hard. A spouse is a whole differnt experience. Young, old, middle aged, if you were in love the hurt has to be the same. Very Bad. Hang in there kid, you really sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. All my best KarenH

I think I am going to crack. Just 10 mos. after nurturing Paul through a horrific Hospice I am faced with it again with my 95 year old grandmother. She has outlived everyone but me and can't stand that I need to attend my life. Conjestive heart failure has been going on for years. It is totally overwhelming and brings back every bad memory and then some that I have of taking care of Paul (and my mother 11 years ago). At least he showed me he appreciated me, she treats me like her slave. We have a caretaker who has weekends off...I am so guilt ridden i can't even schedule someone to pick up the slack, I do it myself. Yesterday was our anniversary and I sort of slept on Grandma's couch with my dog up and down to the bathroom all night. Hospice has been bad on monitoring this case. I think it's much different with the elderly. They bent over backwards for Paul who was only 51. doesn't change the fact that I'm still in my 40s, a widow and single parent. My son didn't even have dinner until 9pm tonight...I'm so emotionally and physically worn out. Death strikes in so many various ways and blindsides you no matter what. I am sick of it. My life is so consumed in others death, I don't know what to do. Thanks for listening. Really tired, KarenH

Gabrielle, You are ceratinly not alone. I had a night like that Friday, cried and cried. It does get easier eventually (10 mos. for me) but that does not mean that we suddenly "get over it." I went to a dinner party, just couples and me...couldn't take it when I got home, paul just should have been there. I cried till 2am and again when I woke up. Problem is, time doesn't stop, but we can stop and feel what we need to feel whenever it's necessary. Milestones sure do bring on those feelings. My son's first birthday without his dad today, next weekend my first anniversary without Paul, and then the holidays. UHGGGGGG! I'm so sorry for you, for me, for all of us here. KarenH

Dusky, My God, if I had to write lists, mine would be practically word for word. Maybe because Paul and Jack both had brain tumors and like symptoms. it was incredibly spooky reading your post. Especially about being in the medical community's face. I'm starting all over again with my 94-year old grandmother. I admitted her into hospice last week...she is in the final stages of congestive heart failure. She is at home with a caregiver, there are 80 years between her and my son and I am responsible for both. Here it is October again and I have another terminal diagnosis on my hands. It's bringing the whole thing with Paul back so vividly. The hospice people want to give me the talk and I just cry and nod and tell them to save their breath, I just did it all 9 months ago. I feel even more guilt because I am not really feeling like I'm grieving for her, she's 94. I'm grieving for me having to do this again so soon. Selfish, I know, but painful as well. I was glad to see you back on the site...how was Canada? Funny what you said about the birthday party, I threw Paul an Anniversary party 4 days before we got the terminal news and he said it was "unbelievable." Our anniversary is coming up on the 21st. Guess I've rambled long enough, thanks for listening. KarenH