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Earthbound65

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Everything posted by Earthbound65

  1. Leftover and KayC -- Thank you both so much for your support -- it's helped ease my mind quite a bit. It's been a rough week (for a while I didn't even want to be at home -- I felt sick at the thought, and that's a feeling I've never known before now) but this rollercoaster ride has gotten easier. I think I've gradually begun to accept that Marle is gone, and I can look at her sisters without feeling like I need to cry. My mother also seems to be doing better, but I know her and it's probably going to take her a little longer to adjust. The idea of a memorial of sorts sounds wonderful; thank you for that suggestion! I had thought perhaps about cutting up the blanket she used to sleep on and putting it in with her in her little ash box. I mentioned it to my mom, and she seemed to approve; we put her blanket in a place where it wouldn't get ruined. I had also thought about making sure that Marle's sisters got adopted out together -- they all loved each other a lot, and call me crazy, but I have a feeling she would want that. I'll have to wait before suggesting it to my mother, but I think that's also a good way to honor her memory. As far as the vet goes, it's a vet my family has used for years and trusts indefinitely...I guess I should have known at the time that he would have done whatever he could have to save her if he could. He even said so to my mother, that no matter what they did, she wouldn't have made it. That makes me feel a little better, too. Again, thank you so, so much for your help and support. I appreciate it so much, and it's helped to give me a bit more peace of mind. I know I'm not done mourning over Marle, but here's hoping that it at least gets easier. Thank you so much. *hugs*
  2. I'm new to this whole thing, but following the passing of one of my cats I found this site and it helped ease me a little when I read all these stories about other people's losses. I don't even know if I should be here, but I feel like I have very few people to turn to, and my usual methods of dealing with grief (finding distraction, helping my mother deal with her own grief, etc.) aren't working. My mother and I started fostering kittens last year, beginning of summer. It's been wonderful, and over just this year I've learned so, so much about cats, and I've made so many best friends in my cats. I've learned better how to deal with being left behind, because when these cats get adopted I know they're going to good homes, and I know that they're happy, and by now I don't even get very uneasy when my mother tells me that another one of our cats got adopted. I love doing this with my mom, too, because besides being my mom she is also one of my closest friends. However, there are also the downsides, and I suppose I should be getting to that now. Having foster kitties has opened me up to the realization that cats and especially kittens are terribly, terribly fragile. In just one year, we've had three kitten deaths, and had to deal with the stress of panleukopenia and other diseases. When I started this, I had no idea what I'd have to go through, or what these kittens would have to go through. The first death was Tippi, a kitten who we'd found under a house and was highly malnourished. She died of organ failure two days after we got her, in my mom's arms as she was being taken for an emergency trip to the vet. I had stayed up all night with her the day before, making sure she got food and water and kept breathing. I had a hard time, but I managed to overcome it, even if I still cry sometimes if I think on her. Sunny was the second that died, just at the beginning of this month. She was amazing, and had made a best friend in another one of ours, Celeste. For days before her death, she was breathing abnormally, and wouldn't eat. I finally had my dad take us to the vet, and we spent the entire day on trying to figure out what was wrong. Eventually we discovered that she had a congenital heart defect and we had to make the decision to put her down. I didn't take it as hard as I did with Tippi, because I knew that there was nothing that could have been done (strange how that provides comfort) and I knew she was in a better place. The one I think I worried about the most, and who made me cry the most, was her buddy Celeste, who was shy and had trouble getting along. I think I got better as she did, though, and now she's one of my best kitty friends, too. The last kitten to go was Marle, and she passed away only yesterday. I know this death is especially hard on me, and especially on my mom, because we'd had this kitten and her siblings Lucca and Schala for a longer time. We bottle fed them. We loved them. And the best thing was, they were SO HEALTHY. They ate like pigs, they had solid feces, and they played and had fun like normal kittens. I was so convinced that they were all okay, and that I would see them all go home to good places. Then, a week or two ago, Marle started coughing, almost dry hacking, and, though she seemed to eat, she slept a lot and didn't want to do much. We didn't think too much of it, though we were concerned -- honestly, we thought that she had caught the calici virus from another cat that had it at the time. We didn't take her to the vet quite yet, because we wanted to see what would happen. I think back now, and I feel so guilty. An earlier trip to the vet might have saved her. Just yesterday, she took a turn for the worse, and was breathing like Sunny had. I had a bad feeling, but I was SO hoping that it was just pneumonia, which has similar symptoms to congenital heart disease (at least on the surface). My mom rushed her to the vet, and for a while we thought she'd be okay -- they put her on oxygen, and she perked up. But just a few hours later, we were informed that she had a tumor. A tumor. My mom went ahead and put her down, and we both kind of fell apart. Since I have trouble expressing myself, I go into semi-hysterics when something like this happens. But usually I do it when I'm alone, and I feel I'm not worrying anyone. At this point in time, though, I couldn't hold it in, and my poor dad had to see me screaming and sobbing, collapse on the floor, then subsequently race to the restroom because I felt sick enough to vomit. And my poor mother, she had a panic attack. I know this might sound a bit excessive, but my mom and I put so much love into these cats, and we're devastated when something like this happens. This whole time after Marle passed, I had the hardest time believing it. I keep seeing her face, and the words "death" and "Marle" just don't fit together. I tried convincing myself that she had just been adopted, or even that she'd just gone somewhere better, because that usually calms me. Knowing that she's somewhere where she's happy is usually something that comforts me. But I just can't put it together. She seemed so healthy. Even when she was coughing, she would play with the others a little. She seemed like she was eating. And it was so sudden. One minute I'm holding her, and the next I find out that she needs to be put down because of a tumor. How did she get that tumor? She was only, at most, a month and a half old. How could something that fatal happen to a kitten in so short a time? I can't even look at the green blanket she used to lay on, or the spot next to the refrigerator she used to rest at. I blame myself, too, because I should have sensed something was wrong and had her looked at. I read afterwards that tumors could be removed, and I thought that if I had gotten her in, she could have been saved. This whole thing is hard on my mom, too. Usually I'm the anchor, because she can cry at the drop of a hat, but here I am sobbing away and making her worry about me on top of that. I'm supposed to go with my family to see my grandmother because she flew in today, and it's supposed to be my first college day on top of that. But I just can't do it. I don't feel like going out. I don't feel like eating. I just want this whole nightmare to never have happened and have my Marle-Barle back. I don't know what to do or feel. Please help...
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