lilacsandladybugs

You have been through it kayce. We all have indeed . I think you have been stronger than many for all the hardships you have also endured. You are stronger I think than I could ever be. I am sorry your children are not that supportive. I have one son who works with me who lost his fiancé many years ago so he feels my pain. I must say and to you too Chris that when you talk with those who have lost some one also, the bond between you helps ease the pain. It is a sad club to belong to yet we are all drawn to the fire. As Fae calls it, the tribe. I had a group of friends after I ended my hospice grief support group where we met once a week to go out and have a drink or something and just talk. All widowed yet still alive. Talking with others is therapy in itself. I read several books when I was younger by M Scott Peck one being "The Road Less Traveled", and in it he speaks about how we are all counselors. When we learn a truth, we share. That is what this site is. I am sorry I didn't realize that you were still seeing a counselor so forgive my suggestion Chris. Hang in there my friend and I hope you find at least a lighter shade of grey in the clouds above you tomorrow. Stephen

Chris, I hope you can hear what I have to say. I understand that you feel alone among those whom you need compassion from the most. This is so typical of a family dynamic when some one dies who is so important as Paula is. I use the word "is" as in her spririt is still with you and around you. The people I needed the most to be there with me were Kathy's parents. For them, denial of pain was the path they chose. To have me around them only reminded them of what they were avoiding.... grief itself. Her sister even suggested I not stay at their house when I would come up to visit as it would just upset them. The point I am trying to make is that you cannot even if it should not be that way, receive the compassion from those people. You can come here Chris. Here is your safe house where caring souls are in abundance. I want to also suggest that you need to find a grief counselor who you can see regularly. I mean often. You are a grieving person Chris. You are what a griving person looks and behaves like. Trust me on this. It isn't a matter of "give it time". It's a matter of surving untill you survive. If you don't take care of yourself, your body will find a way of giving up on you. I doubt Paula would want to see that happen. Stephen

Last night I met my son and his family returning from a month in Japan. To see my grandchildren running to greet me is a gift that reminds me..........life comes as life departs. I know my dad and Kathy were with me that moment. Sometimes we have to just let life go on no matter how much we wish we could change it. Life itself has a way of showing us joy, even in our sorrow. I think I am finding a way to let life guide me. When I was first involved with my hospice counceling I read that you will one day have more happy days than sad. That one day you will discover that you laugh more than you cry. You know? I didn't think it would ever happen but I do see it now. Gee it only took three years. The thing is I know I will still have sad times but life will show me joy once and again. Perhaps my dad put that in me. He was always happy right to the end. Thinking that about him helps me fight the demons. Stephen

LisaAnnB, I understand the thoughts about the first year of your dad'd departure. It can never be anything but a sad time. I just went through the second anniversary of my dad'd death this last Sunday. I find myself not wanting to dwell on his death but thinking about his life. I spent the day with my sister who has it harder than I because on that day was my wedding anniversary so I kind of focus on that event. We had a toast to him and just kind of held on to each other. Never an easy time. I hope you can find some peace through this time and please remember, you can never know what you should have done about anything in the past. It would not serve you well nor make him feel good that you worry about it. Bad things just happen and they will no matter what we might have done differently. I think your dad will always be looking down on you and your daughters wedding too. Stephen

That is so true Marty! First fly the airplane, then take care of the passengers. Harry, I so relate to what you said. I hate cancer too. It has been the worst enemy of the people we love. I am so sorry you have to have that again in your life.

This was the second year of my dad's passing and I was in a quandry of what to do. It also was my wedding anniversary which I had planned to celebrate by going somewhere as Kathy and I often did. Somehow fate lent a hand. I was required to fly a bunch of artwork up to Santa Fe and I realized my sister had often spoke of going there. Our mother had gone to school there when she was a child so I thought maybe it would be nice to spend this day with my sister and next year I will do something with Kathy in spirit. I also thought my sister might have a sad day alone so I picked her up in Tucson and we celebrated Dad and Kathy together over a lovely dinner. I know the day was better for her, having done it. When I returned home Sunday night I had a quiet dinner thinking about my bride and how much I love her still. Today I am constructing the device I will use to spread my dad's ashes over the same spot my mom had me do for her 34 years ago. My son is going to be flying the airplane while my sister and I send him off to join the love of his life at a place she felt was the most peacefull. By the way, my dad had stated in his will that he wished for me to do this. It just took two years to make it so. I don't think he minded waiting, I enjoyed having him in my home. I should say that I don't dwell on departure days. Never a happy time. I do celebrate birthdays and such because to remember them, joy is the best place to be. I hope we can all find happiness in the memory of our parents. I know I am working at it. Stephen

Anne, I hope you are feeling a little bit better at least today.

Oh Fae! That Bernina thing really hit a chord and I had to respond. I still look at Kathy's machine which is the first real toy I bought her. It sits in her sewing room and will most likely be there when I leave this world. I am way over due having it serviced and though she always did it once a year, I feel the need to have it cleaned though it remains quiet and still. Quilting was her passion and every year she would be in Houston for the October convention. After a week of classes, I would join her for the romantic weekend we always had. I do so miss those times and her working away in that room, one which will stay until I learn to quilt myself. Oh what a journey that would be. I will always remember how we would hit every fabric and quilting place in every town we were in from Scottsdale to Calgary buying fabrics in sets of 8 quarters to go with each other. It became my job to search for different fabrics that would work in a set. I used to joke that I was an "enabler" cause I would always say, "just get it". I still find myself going in those shops every once in a while, and just feeling the moment. One day I intended to buy her a long arm. I hear what you say about the hospice time and it brought back the memories of Kathy's last days. I was told by the hospice nurse that they so often will wait till you leave the room so you don't have to see them go. I felt guilty not leaving her side but ended up telling her although she was not conscious that I was going for a walk if she wanted to go, that I would understand. I fell asleep at 11:30 pm the next night our heads two feet apart to be awakened an hour later by her nurse telling me she was gone. She found a way to go without me watching her and so I guess it worked out the way it was supposed to. I hope you feel better soon and the pain subsides. Stephen

Who can ever forget that day. I know I can't and Kathy was just as upset as I. Bad things do happen to good people. I always wondered how that many souls going up at the same time must have been like. How many families were and still are grieving. It makes my simple grief seem almost insignificant every time I think about it. Like I was the only one left behind? The one thing that I will never forget is how , for a brief moment in time, we Americans all hugged each other. For a while we forgot our petty angers and treated each other kindly.. How we seem to have forgotten that way of being. Those of us in grief seem to hold on to it a little bit though.

Amazing feelings you can show us Harry. An evolution of grief it truly is. I can relate with so many of the emotions you have described. I also commend you in the drive to go on. I hope you can give yourself a pat on the back for helping us all understand the need to fight on even though I know that was not your intention. Thanks for sharing.

Mary, What you said about your wedding rings really touched me. I am glad to know I am not the only one who feels that way. My ring of course will remain on my finger untill I am blended with Kathy and our rings will be with us as well. Yes dear lady.."together forever" you shall be. Stephen

Fae, I think I know how you are feeling about the unpacking. I know it must be a concern about theft yet I hope you will be able to just take it one day at a time. Forcing ourselves to distribute things puts a great deal of stress on our bodies and our souls. I can't say I have learned how to deal with that issue but I have slowly over the last two years donated and gave away some of the things that were Kathy's and things that were a part of both of us that I knew I would never use again. The first thing I did was donate a lot of her clothes because I knew it would help others and Hospice of the Valley here has a wonderfull thrift shop. I did of course keep a significant amount of her clothes that meant so much to me but making some space allowed me store more of the things she and I loved in Canada that would never have fit in my little home before. I look at my home as a part of her and me together so I like to see her pretty things and the quilts she made. I don't know if I ever will be able to clean out the sewing room because it is filled with things that she touched every day. I like to hold those in my hands sometimes if just because I feel a closeness to her in those moments. When you speak of being relieved when those mornings as you awake become less tearfull, I just want to say hmmmmmmmm. First of all, they may be less frequent but there will still be days you wake with tears. It just is that way. It seems kind of funny because I listen to many things you write and how much you help others that I forget sometimes that you like all the rest of us, are suffering too. Today you are lost. It happens. there will be days when you're not. I hope peace for you today. Stephen

Yes, I understand now about the walking. I sometimes miss out or forget things. You know Chris, I sleep with such an irregular pattern. I wake up at odd hours no longer sleepy but go back to sleep eventually. The nap thing is important. I hope like me, you can just sleep when you can and try to get as much as your body needs. Grieving does drain us.

Trust me on this Arlene. You will find peace and it may even find you. You sometimes have to just stop and listen. Like the rain today.........didn't it kind of seem peaceful? Just that simple thing can work. I stand outside and just close my eyes, take a few deep breaths, and let it wash over me. Kathy and I always loved the rain. It was those times that seemed the most romantic to me. While memories like that can make you cry, keep trying it, you just might find the peace over powers the sorrow. Baby steps right? Stephen

Sorry you had a rough day Chris. I found that taking a walk sometimes helps. Just be sure it's a safe environment to do so. Maybe in the morning, you could do that if you stayed up all night. When you get tired enough, sleep will come. I hope you took the last post as what it is, a little humor in the middle of the night.

cmon kids, let's go to bed

Peace is an item so rare to those grieving. We live with anguish, tears, worries, loneliness, fear, and sometimes anger. It becomes so hard to find peace. When I was two as opposed to one as I am now. I had so many peaceful times. Walking on a beach with her hand in mine, or having coffee in the mornings sitting in the Jacuzzi, were ways we could shed the stress of daily life and work. The hard part is finding that alone. Peace is an elusive thing. You have to work at it. For me, it keeps running just ahead while I try to catch up dodging all those other emotions. Grief is hard. When I become to tired, I collapse and see peace running on ahead till it disappears from sight. Today I woke to a light rain falling. I woke to find the daylight coming through my window. I seldom wake that late. I made my coffee and sat outside and enjoyed a moment of true peace. It slowed down just long enough for me to catch it. How long that has been. I post this because I needed to share it. For however long this peace lasts, I am so glad it came. I have read about meditation here but alas I am a slow learner. Those with tools to share, please feel free to offer them. May peaceful moments find their way into all of our lives. Stephen

You are truly a good soul Fae. Chris, these are wise words indeed. While you are where you are right now, remember this. We have all been in that place and time. I said it before, but I will say it again. At first, I wanted to die. Then it evolved into just wishing something would happen and I would just go and be able to be with her. Then I evolved further to where I am now.........okay to die, but ready to live. I have no fear of death. That ended the day Kathy left. The one thing I know for certain, is that I will go on living for whatever time there is, doing whatever I can to celebrate life and help others as she would have wanted to see me do. Kathy will always be with me. You spoke of signs that she was still around you and in your home. Let me tell you about that. I went into such a regression last month that I thought I was back at the beginning. When I started to think about what made me slip back, I figured out the cause. For so long after Kathy left (her heaven day I call it), she was always turning on lights and ceiling fans. She even locked her car and turned on it's alarm inside my garage one night with the keys still inside. The nights before both her parents died, a flurry of activity occurred. She was letting me know that they had passed. After each one of them left, she would be gone for as much as a month. I feared I would never hear from her again. She always came back though. For the last four months, everything has stopped. I went in to a funk so deep, I could hardly function. I know I have no right to ask her to come back, perhaps she never will. I do know now that I still have her with me. She is inside me. I have become a different person, I realize that I am not just Steve, but a man who has been changed by so many years that he has become a little of two people. That is me now. I will go on doing things we always wanted to do. I will experience life in her honor for to not would be an injustice to her. I will be with her once again. I have no doubt about that because you see, I believe in the spirit of the soul. After all of that, how could I not? There is still such a hard journey ahead. I know for me, there will still be sad times. It never truly ends, not when you have loved so deeply. I hope like me, you can embrace that pain as a testament to how much you love her. With deep love, comes the risk of loss. There are two kinds of people in a love like that, those that die, and those who sleep alone. One day you will sleep again though not every night. Stephen

That is so sad to hear Mary, hope you can get it accomplished.........such a hard time. Our thoughts are with you.

Nice surprise when I got home. I have new neighbors and they have a cat. She was resting in my backyard by the pond. For me it is a positive because Kathy had a thing for cats and we rescued a few. I can not have a pet myself since I am so often not here with work and all. But........ having a kitty In the yard is comforting. I bet it's nice to have your son home for a bit kayc. Isn't it better to cook for more than just ourselves.

Fae, It's so nice that you have that blanket. Enjoy the smell for as long as it lasts. And Jan, even though the smell has gone, the essence of who it is lives on forever. Sometimes ladies, the smell becomes a sense in your own mind........... of them and the places you shared. Those will live on and the tactile touch of those fabrics become ours with them. When I first began to spend quiet times alone with Kathy she told me there was something I had to know about her. She always had to have a "fuzzy" to rub along her cheek. She would do that when we would watch TV. It would be a little bit of wool rolled up that she would pluck from a comforter or a throw rug on the sofa. I remeber making one when she was in the hospice home just before she left. I rubbed her cheek for her during that last day when she no longer was awake. I still find those fuzzies sometimes tucked between the cushions. Now I have the comforter or a blanket or any number of things that once lay on her. The smell may be gone but the warm fuzzy feeling goes on. Those things are like comfort food for us. We need to have them don't we? Stephen

Maria! How sweet that was to read. I hope you felt good writing it. I felt good reading it.

It can be difficult to hear the voice Chris. I am fortunate to have the ability 'and' desire to hear Kathy. Sometimes when I am on a trip, I'll call my home just to hear her sweet voice. This is going to be hard for some to understand, but I have a few people in my life who are "so over" her passing and would like to have me meet some other lady (as if), so for them, I like to have Kathy answer the phone if just to get them to give that up. And another thing, before her dad died, he would call my house just to hear his daughters voice. He told me that once. Of course she's gone but I look at her pictures still. Visual.......audio, what does it matter really? They are who they are, still just as much a part of our lives. I am so sorry you lost George's voice kayc. I hope somewhere you have a video or something to listen too once and again. I made a copy of the answering machine. (just in case). Chris, I hear so much pain in your words. I'm sorry for how it is. I hope you can come to belive that all of this was not directed at you. Death has no reason. It is not an entity in itself. It just is what it is and none of us who have been where you are now, ever deserved the pain. If it were a punishment, it would be reserved for the worst souls in hell. That is not what you or any of us are. We're only guilty of loveing some one that deeply. If you look back at yesterday, you are suffering just as badly today. One day, you will find you can look back at a year ago or more perhaps and see that you are not quite as bad off as you were. Hang in there my friend. The road is a long one but you are not traveling it alone. Stephen

Ah yes, After enough nights alone, darkness becomes your friend. Not long after it was your worst enemy.

Here's to you Harry