donttouchthis

As an update for the scheduled meeting I had today. She did not show up, that was expected--but overall today was an improvement (I think). I am not sure how to process this information so that is why I will post it here in hopes for some insight. After 20 days of complete isolation, she did message me today (via anonymous text message). I messaged her back with a brief welcome and consolation with no response (this was also expected). She messaged me to thank me for the emails and pictures that I had sent her a week before. I think that this is a huge improvement because I was afraid that she was going to ignore me forever, although now I am conflicted about how temperate I should be with future emails. I think I will limit them to twice a week, staggered for the least pressuring and most reassuring results. Credit is due here from all the helpful responses that kept my head level when I let my speculations run wild. Of course, if there are any further developments I will absolutely update and again thank you all for being so helpful. I have learned the necessity of patience and I have adopted a better understanding of the overall coping process on both ends. I would also like to point out that though her single message may not seem like a lot, it means the world to me because she has not entirely shut me out (as silly as that might seem).

Sorry I don't think that I was clear in my initial statement of the scheduled date which may have caused some confusion. We were suppose to meet tomorrow (Friday, October 4th) but the ambiguity of whether to honor this schedule chat date remains in the fact we had determined this date weeks before her fathers passing (we do this because we are both relatively busy and it is difficult to arbitrarily meet, it is easier to coordinate dates). That being said, since her fathers passing we have not spoken once, any/all of my messages that I had initially composed lack reciprocation/response/acknowledgment on her part. Because of this, though this was a predetermined date, it was set up pre-passing and therefore harnesses the possibility that it should not/will not be honored (as is appropriate in this circumstance, I am completely okay with the chat not occurring). Further, I do agree with you that I should follow through--my thoughts on following through however are as follows: instead of actively communicating a reminder to her that we had made this date, I will instead just remain online on the chat medium in anticipation that she logs on as well. If she will or will not, I have no idea--I think the action I was questioning was whether I should even remind her that we had this date to begin with to which I decided not to do so. The last thing I want to do is offend her which is why I was unsure if an acknowledgment/reminder of the date was pushing too hard. The beck and call, I agree--it is a fine line I must walk. To summarize, I think I am just looking for some level of assurance that just waiting online on the chat medium would be enough to maintain my position of compassion for her; a reminder of a date determined before the unfortunate passing would be too forward and inappropriate. This is a fair assessment, yes?

Dear Arbitrator, Thank you for the advice, I believe that you are correct in advising me to give her space while she deals with this difficult time. I think what I was most worried about was giving too much space or not enough; finding the happy medium between the two seems to be a rather illusive and unique component of these unfortunate tragedies. Sucking it up is probably the best thing I can do as I know time is the best medicine for healing, especially when coping with a loss. I guess what torments me the most is that even though there is a lapse of communication there is no explicit signs that our time together has concluded; the small spark of hope of reuniting that sits in the back of my mind illuminates an entire world of speculation--a blissful ignorance that I can't help but dwell on. KayC, Since reading various posts on the website I have seen that the most likely outcome of the situation will be what I fear the most--the separation and/or entire fallout of communication. I think that for my particular situation, this is even more likely because the relationship lacks the fundamental components of intimacy that have the potential to draw two individuals back together even after such a tragedy. I do take your advice to heart and I have accepted the most likely outcome as a result of the transpired events. I have considered how things could be different if her father was well and happy, but such thoughts I take as selfish on my part because the reality is he was not, and now he is gone forever and she must live with that pain every day. However, you are also accurate in the necessity for me to address my own interests in the situation. The fact of the matter is that not only do I possess true compassion for this girl, but I am also not giving up anything by waiting for her--if I had to pause my life to address this situation it may be different. However, because I do not, my decision of patience and commitment to her is actually easier (both mentally and physically) in a sense because it is a combination of compassion and no material sacrifices. I have decided to follow the advice of the more experienced individuals and cutoff my communication with her until or if she feels comfortable in contacting me again. We had a scheduled meeting for this Friday and I am conflicted of whether I should even acknowledge to her that I do not expect/desire her to attend because of the current situation, or let it remain a tacit understanding given what she is going through. For now, I have chosen to not even acknowledge the date and pray that she does not perceive this as me being callous. I have thought about it and to counteract any misunderstandings of this sort, I will remain online on the chat medium until the day is up. I think this is the best solution by compiling my own interests and utilizing the advice everyone here has thoughtfully submitted. Considering the help and support that I have received here, I will surely update the thread as well. Again, thank you guys.

Dear KayC, Thank you for your response; I have done some significant reading on this forum before deciding to make my own topic. From these readings I have learned two things; firstly, you are the most confidence instilling source I could ask to reference and I am grateful for your response, and two, that as unfortunate as it is--I have read about stronger, more tangible relationships falter and fail during the loss of a loved one. These were harbingers of what I feared would become of my lesser relationship and I think I just needed to see them verbalized to know they were not just my own fears percolating through speculation. I will absolutely take your advice and pull back because of the issue of unwanted pressured applied; I understand what you have explained to me and I feel it is within my best interest to wait until she contacts me (if she does). Thank you for the kind words and genuine advice.

Dear Pollara, I am 22 years old as of December, and I think that you are right in saying that I will not wait forever (though I would like to think I would), just me being ...dramatic. I understand there are some serious imbalances in the 'relationship' and unfortunately it has been this way ever since we initially connected. She is one year older than me at age 23. I have never had a relationship before this and I have tried to discern how this compares to a 'healthy', or in this case, real relationship. I should mention that the majority of the ignoring were during periods where she would was upset with me for one reason or another, but that is an entirely separate series of issues. I thank you for your brief and objective response, I really needed an outside opinion. Since you have indicated that age may play a role in this, I will believe that there is still hope that she will maybe contact me in the future; that is what I will take away from this. Maybe because it is not considered a real relationship, it will increase chances of reconnecting--who knows. I know the way I described the 'relationship' may make it seem somewhat distorted but she insists she cares about me and often when we chat I feel an aura of compassion. However, I will take what you have said to me to heart because I have been warned about this before, however I remain confused and/or indecisive. It would be wise though for me to listen to people with far more experience in the subject. Would you recommend that until she potentially reconnects with me, I remain entirely out of contact? Thanks again and sorry for the lengthy response.

I will keep this short as possible because the more variables there are the harder there will be to get a straight answer I have know this girl for two years. We have never met in real life (we met on the internet), I’ve seen a picture of her once (she does not like to show herself to me), and she has chosen to remain anonymous through the years I have known her. By ‘anonymous’ I mean that I know her name but little else about her (notwithstanding day to day events that we talk about). I do not state these things as negatives ( I do not mind her preference of anonymity in our relationship), just so that it may be easier to address the question I have going forward. We are not dating, though recently we have done things that I perceive would be normal in a relationship, though as the record stands, we are friends. She is prone to not responding to me (that is the only way I can contact her) because she is busy or does not get to the computer. However, sometimes she will either text me (through an anonymous website) or respond to my email. The emails/texts are mainly courtesies to designate a time and date to meet on our chatting medium. We talked as regularly as we could when we could both fit one another into our schedules (we are both in school and preexisting obligations of education often hinder our ability to chat freely). I should also mention that even though our ‘relationship’ is rather unconventional, I am hopelessly in love with her and she has had similar feelings for me (they have been verbalized). The situation: Unfortunately her dad died recently; he was sick for a long time though there was always hope he would get better (I often prayed for him, sometimes with her). When he died, she sent me a brief message saying she wouldn’t be able to come online on the date we had designated—this to me was the only appropriate reaction to the recent tragic events, I was sympathetic and in complete agreement with her decision. I comforted her through an email or two, but I knew that the grieving was something she would do independently (she is a strong and determined individual) and I figured it best to give her space. It has been two weeks now and she has said nothing to me which I understand—she needs time and space. However, this has still depressed me because I know she is upset and I have no idea if I’m doing the right or wrong thing. What I do is occasionally I send her an email of a picture, something pleasant that I know she likes (in all honesty, that is literally the only thing I can do, anyway) with little/no text. The intention being that I want her to know I care and that I think about her and this tragic event, and pictures are worth a thousand words. I did this after I my initial text based consolation/comfort email was either ignored/unread because I never received a response (I expected that though). The question: I know that she is prone to ignoring/not being able to get back to me for long periods, but from what I have stated, should I be prepared to never hear from her again, or, if I do—the dynamics of our relationship materially altered? Further, should I eliminate my emailing and wait until she contacts me (if she does)? It is a strange situation and significantly more complex than what is written here. It is the uncertainty that stresses me the most—not knowing what to expect. I will wait forever for her, but I would like a third party opinion on what I should expect, for my own temporary closure. I've read of much more fuller, intimate, and physical relationships gone awry due to the death of a family member which only worries me further because I do not have these fundamental connections with her, so what could I even consider a possibility of our future. Basically, I just want to know if this is the end, or if it is not, what you believe (given the situation) would be an appropriate course of action (on my part)? I don't mean this to be in a selfish way, I don't mind waiting through a year of no contact if that is the time length necessary--I just want some level of certainty, assurance if you will, so that I can be prepared for her absence, change, or to never see her again.