Jump to content
Grief Healing Discussion Groups

JeL

Contributor
  • Posts

    72
  • Joined

  • Last visited

Previous Fields

  • Date of Death
    Sept 2013
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    HHCJ

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Female
  • Location (city, state)
    AK
  1. Marty, Thank you for the reading resources. I've skimmed several and will sit thoughtfully and read more this holiday weekend. As my grief evolves, I feel joy and potential for more emerging. It's an interesting balance....a bit of guilt, still deep sadness for losing my husband & 30-year best friend, hopeful for my future and wanting to share my heart again. For this growth and my insight on these changes happening, I'm thankful. best to all this Thanksgiving weekend.
  2. Hi all. I've been in & out of this site...lately not so much. Early September marked the 2 year anniversary of my husband's death; the holidays are here again.... trepidation and joy. I started feeling joy and hopefulness a few months ago - truly, it was almost like a light switch flipped on hope and gently mantled my acute grief. I still grieve, I still cry, just not so painful. I have a bit more control and vision for my future. Changes I'm making: Insomnia & exercise: Since my husband died in Sept 2013, I've had insomnia. I awaken with a thought or a leg cramp...or to pee :-) Recently I decided to embrace it..... go exercise. I'm now in the municipal pool 2-3x/wk by 6am. I swim for an hour, sauna, shower, go to work early, eat oatmeal at my desk, start work on time. I'm not sleeping better yet (it's been about 6 weeks) but the AM exercise is wonderful, energizing. Memories, sadness & art: Maybe there will come a day when I will think & talk about special holiday memories without tears. I'm not there yet. I used to do textile arts at the holidays...this is the first time in 5 years that appeals to me, so I got my stuff out of my crafts closet last night and plan to make familiar patterns as a warm up. Having energy for art while I'm working fulltime and exercising 6-10 hrs/wk tells me I'm healing & getting closer to my normal self...my new self. Relationships: - Friends I thought would support me are absent or inconsistent. I've let them go. - Friends with kids are too busy to initiate but welcome my help so I initiate and that helps us both. Plus I get kid time!! - Co-workers push me to be social & don't get it that I want a gentle approach. They're hearts are true but they just don't get it. - I met a guy, a widower, he gets it! He gets me. I get him. It's new, I'm hopeful. - I miss my deceased husband daily & I'm "in like" with a new man. I have room in my heart yet it feels awkward...& hopeful. Thankful/grateful: I have insight into my growth through grief these past 2 years. At first it was a tight shell around me, I couldn't let anyone in. Now it's a softer cocoon... I empathize with newly bereaved in a way I never got before. I sit, I'm patient, I listen. I feel room in my heart for a new life partner while maintaining my connection with my deceased husband. How did I get here? Marty - do you have resources on new love after bereavement? Your articles are always on target. Thanks, truly.
  3. Hello group. I've been away from this site, traveling some, hard at work in my profession and adjustments to single life. I'm coming up on 2 years since my husband died. Well said, Fae....the "becoming me" sifts through bits of the "old me." I too find solace in traveling. There are a few triggers, yet I feel the insight and confidence I gain outweigh the brief sadness. I went to Hawaii alone last year, re-visited where we used to live, saw old friends...some tears, many lovely memories. I visited family on the other coast during the winter holidays. I hike and kayak alone near home after letting someone know where/when I'm going. I have a week off work soon and I haven't figured out where I'll go or what I'll do yet. The "becoming me" is more spontaneous than the "old me". I recently attended a 3 day contra dance workshop...braving forward. I didn't expect to feel the joy but also sadness of swinging in a man's arms around the dance floor....actually many different men, because in contra, you change partners often! We who live with deep loss hear the suggestion to treat ourselves with the same loving kindness we shared with our loved one. That's what I try to do. When I love myself, I'm hopeful that the rest will figure itself out. Jo
  4. Kay, I'm healing slowly and steadily... My accident was 4 days before my planned trip east in December to care for Mom after her hip fracture, so I had the first month after my accident off work & I know that helped my healing. My car rolled 3x, landed upside down, I am so very grateful that I could climb out and walked up the hill with help. I'm recovering from neck, shoulder, back and knee injuries, my seatbelt bruises are finally gone. I'm a strong believer in airbags, seat belts and Subarus! .....so it was a no-brainer to buy a new Outback to replace my totaled one. It will take time, but I am mending. Jo
  5. Thanks for the link flipping me over to this thread to share Valentine's Day. My younger coworkers are all chattering about their new loves, their plans for Valentine's Day. Today I put on my iPod ear buds so I'd be able to concentrate on my work without their distraction. Working has its ups and downs......the structure and routine are healthy, the income is vital, I like my job & I help others. Yet it takes so much energy to perform to the work productivity demands and take care of my heart, my home, my body. And I'm still recovering from my December car accident. I'm not looking forward to spending Valentine's Day alone; part of the change I'm working towards includes being more social, joining groups, attending events, trying to make new friends. So far, 3 friends/groups have declined getting together because they have Saturday plans. As I read others' posts here I see I'm not the only widow who feels "un-included" by previous friends. In a small way, that feels better because I know I'm not alone in this experience. This is my 2nd Valentine's Day without my husband....I do feel more resilient than last year and for that I'm grateful. J
  6. I started this topic about a year ago. The emotion of Valentine's Day is once again haunting me. I got thru the Christmas holidays just fine but the ramp up to Valentine's Day is a grief trigger for me. I go to work each day, I take a walk on my lunch break as weather allows here in Alaska; I come home to an empty house, empty heart, empty bed. The friends who used feel like friends now "check in" every 8-12 weeks or less often. I'm trying to establish a new social network...I've registered for some classes this spring....it's not easy to be social but I'm trying. I feel lonely, left over, unimportant to friends who I thought cared for me. At the same time, I'm buoyed by my resilience. I know my grief is lightening these past 17 months. but Damn...this is hard work. What are you doing for Valentine's Day?
  7. Butch, we share your pain, I'm so sorry for you losses. Please think about the basics: drink healthy fluids, eat a few protein bites, rest when your body lets you. When friends ask "how can I help?" consider going for a walk together, even if only 10 minutes. You may have to go back to work soon (I did too, to keep my job/benefits), yet for now, try to think about the here and now....an hour or day at a time. with warmth, Jo
  8. G'day to all here. My positives this week: I went to a concert with a friend who lost her mom recently, have another planned for this upcoming week with the friend/hospice nurse who guided my husband's end of life....all part of my quest to be more social. I started medical massage for muscle strains I got from a bad car accident early last month. She warned me I'll feel worse before I feel better and she was right! I've got weekly massages set up through February. I was out of state for 4 weeks recently helping my parents as Mom recovered from a nasty hip fracture with infection and cardiac complications. Mom's doing better, and I'm finally caught up on my backlog that piled up at work while I was gone. It's a lazy day....a cozy fire's in the wood stove and later, a "play date" with a 6 year old to bake cookies. Jo
  9. Butch, Anne, Elly....thanks for your thoughts and support. After working, managing the house alone, getting regular exercise, I'm exhausted. It all takes so much energy these days. Someone on these forums articulated it well a while back; to paraphrase: losing my husband makes me feel less than half of the whole we were together. That empty space, a black hole, is what I hope to heal as I find comfortable ways to evolve into a single person identity. I will always miss Fred; I also want to feel more whole. My closest friends have their own schedules/kids/jobs so I see or talk with them once or twice a month. I go out alone occasionally to eat, to a movie or lecture. A book club is a good idea, I'll look for a group to join. I feel I should put more effort into finding a broader social network......it feels like a daunting task. Elly, how touching that your husband's hockey friends are hanging his shirt to honor him. My husband, too, was into hockey. I can still barely flip the TV channel past a NHL game without feeling sad. Jo
  10. It's been a while...I've not caught up on all your posts but I have read some. My daily meditation gathers all the newly grieved on this site into my breathe. In my small way, I'm with you. We all know the deep loneliness when we lose our life partner. It feels like a sucking black hole. My husband Fred died 17 months ago. We had 31 years together. Many days still suck me down but mostly I'm hopeful for my future, grateful for what Fred & I shared. He was the love of my life. Yet I'm stuck and I'd appreciate shared wisdom...I want to feel social again. I'm not looking for romance. I just want to be comfortable being social. It's so hard. Every hiking trail, every restaurant, every event venue in my small town evokes memories. How do we feel social again with all this sadness? Jo
  11. Hi Audra, I've been off this group for several weeks so I'm catching up a bit late.....I belatedly want to congratulate you for your graduation a few weeks ago. I'm sorry you feel little relief. It IS hard to keep going. I truly understand how the daily grief in the early months, the hopelessness, the tears and despair go on and on. The experience shared here and the suggestions made by others rings true. I continue to feel on "autopilot" 15 months after my husband's death. My daily tears have abated yet he's in my heart and thoughts many times every day. I too look forward to the days when joy returns, it by bit. Warmly, Jo
  12. I'm thankful that my heart isn't as heavy with grief this Thanksgiving as it was last year. Yesterday as I lovingly looked at photos of our early marriage, I didn't weep. That's a first for me, a positive sign that the heavy burden of loss does indeed ease over time. On Thanksgiving day, I took a 5 mile hike alone near our glacier. I stood at a lookout, phoned my Mom who's in a rehab center recovering from a broken hip and complications, she was unusually chatty. When her rehab team says she's ready, I'll take Family Medical Leave off work, hop on a plane and stay with my parents for a few weeks to help them thru the transition to home health rehab and nursing services. Kay, I'm very sorry for your frustrating waiting game for your test results. Been there. Jo
  13. Harry, thank you for your literary skill in this post and others you've written. This eve of Thanksgiving, I wish us all peace in our hearts. This week, I'm finding comfort (and tears) thinking that the depth of my loss is proportional to the height of our love.
  14. I am struggling, and I would give anything for this to be different. Hi Audra, You are so early in your grief, still in the year of firsts. I'm only a few months ahead of you in loss and I understand your struggle...we all do, as we pick up the pieces after losing our spouse, best friend, life partner. I'm learning that when I slow down, read grief references, meditate, swim laps (works for me!), good options present themselves to dilemmas I'm stressing over. There are many good mediation references here to try if you'd like a new tool to slow yourself down. Work can be a blessing in grief - for me, it's good structure. I have nothing to come home to, so I take all the overtime pay assignments I can get. It gets me out and social. I'm tired after 8-12 hours of physical and mental work, so I sleep decently most nights. I hope you find a transitional job that challenges you enough for healthy distraction, pays the bills, looks good on your resume. Chicago in winter: I recently shared about SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) lights on another page. I've never had a true depression issue, but the low winter light gets to me. Since I started using a SAD light Nov - Feb (many years running), I sleep better, have better mental clarity, more energy in the day, perform better at work. If you'll be in Chicago this winter, it may be worth a look. Costco - $40. Best health investment I've made in a long time. I've had mine for 10 years. You have a huge accomplishment coming up. It's on my calendar! If I don't acknowledge your graduation on 12/12 it's likely cuz I'll be gone helping my Mom who fell and broke her hip a few days ago. Be proud! Harvey's proud of you, you know it. Jo
  15. Hi Melina, In my year on this site, your messages have felt like pillars of resilience to me. I'm sorry for the wave of overburden you're feeling. I recall we have a few things in common: we each were married about 28 years, we each live far away from family. I'm not a mom but I have adult stepchildren who lost their dad. I'm with you on missing the closeness, missing how we used to bounce ideas and feelings off our husbands every day. It's a void... an emotional black hole. Other friends, no matter how supportive, can't fill that space. I live in Alaska (58 degrees north latitude). I recall you live far north too. For 10 years, (long before Fred died) I've used a SAD light from November to February for 20 minutes each morning. It counters fatigue and helps my mental focus all day long. There's lots of science behind light therapy for those of us who live in the far north. It works wonders for me. Have you ever tried it? Just a thought to add to your self-help strategies. take good care. Jo
×
×
  • Create New...