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Marty, Thank you for the reading resources. I've skimmed several and will sit thoughtfully and read more this holiday weekend. As my grief evolves, I feel joy and potential for more emerging. It's an interesting balance....a bit of guilt, still deep sadness for losing my husband & 30-year best friend, hopeful for my future and wanting to share my heart again. For this growth and my insight on these changes happening, I'm thankful. best to all this Thanksgiving weekend.

Hi all. I've been in & out of this site...lately not so much. Early September marked the 2 year anniversary of my husband's death; the holidays are here again.... trepidation and joy. I started feeling joy and hopefulness a few months ago - truly, it was almost like a light switch flipped on hope and gently mantled my acute grief. I still grieve, I still cry, just not so painful. I have a bit more control and vision for my future. Changes I'm making: Insomnia & exercise: Since my husband died in Sept 2013, I've had insomnia. I awaken with a thought or a leg cramp...or to pee :-) Recently I decided to embrace it..... go exercise. I'm now in the municipal pool 2-3x/wk by 6am. I swim for an hour, sauna, shower, go to work early, eat oatmeal at my desk, start work on time. I'm not sleeping better yet (it's been about 6 weeks) but the AM exercise is wonderful, energizing. Memories, sadness & art: Maybe there will come a day when I will think & talk about special holiday memories without tears. I'm not there yet. I used to do textile arts at the holidays...this is the first time in 5 years that appeals to me, so I got my stuff out of my crafts closet last night and plan to make familiar patterns as a warm up. Having energy for art while I'm working fulltime and exercising 6-10 hrs/wk tells me I'm healing & getting closer to my normal self...my new self. Relationships: - Friends I thought would support me are absent or inconsistent. I've let them go. - Friends with kids are too busy to initiate but welcome my help so I initiate and that helps us both. Plus I get kid time!! - Co-workers push me to be social & don't get it that I want a gentle approach. They're hearts are true but they just don't get it. - I met a guy, a widower, he gets it! He gets me. I get him. It's new, I'm hopeful. - I miss my deceased husband daily & I'm "in like" with a new man. I have room in my heart yet it feels awkward...& hopeful. Thankful/grateful: I have insight into my growth through grief these past 2 years. At first it was a tight shell around me, I couldn't let anyone in. Now it's a softer cocoon... I empathize with newly bereaved in a way I never got before. I sit, I'm patient, I listen. I feel room in my heart for a new life partner while maintaining my connection with my deceased husband. How did I get here? Marty - do you have resources on new love after bereavement? Your articles are always on target. Thanks, truly.

Hello group. I've been away from this site, traveling some, hard at work in my profession and adjustments to single life. I'm coming up on 2 years since my husband died. Well said, Fae....the "becoming me" sifts through bits of the "old me." I too find solace in traveling. There are a few triggers, yet I feel the insight and confidence I gain outweigh the brief sadness. I went to Hawaii alone last year, re-visited where we used to live, saw old friends...some tears, many lovely memories. I visited family on the other coast during the winter holidays. I hike and kayak alone near home after letting someone know where/when I'm going. I have a week off work soon and I haven't figured out where I'll go or what I'll do yet. The "becoming me" is more spontaneous than the "old me". I recently attended a 3 day contra dance workshop...braving forward. I didn't expect to feel the joy but also sadness of swinging in a man's arms around the dance floor....actually many different men, because in contra, you change partners often! We who live with deep loss hear the suggestion to treat ourselves with the same loving kindness we shared with our loved one. That's what I try to do. When I love myself, I'm hopeful that the rest will figure itself out. Jo

Kay, I'm healing slowly and steadily... My accident was 4 days before my planned trip east in December to care for Mom after her hip fracture, so I had the first month after my accident off work & I know that helped my healing. My car rolled 3x, landed upside down, I am so very grateful that I could climb out and walked up the hill with help. I'm recovering from neck, shoulder, back and knee injuries, my seatbelt bruises are finally gone. I'm a strong believer in airbags, seat belts and Subarus! .....so it was a no-brainer to buy a new Outback to replace my totaled one. It will take time, but I am mending. Jo

Thanks for the link flipping me over to this thread to share Valentine's Day. My younger coworkers are all chattering about their new loves, their plans for Valentine's Day. Today I put on my iPod ear buds so I'd be able to concentrate on my work without their distraction. Working has its ups and downs......the structure and routine are healthy, the income is vital, I like my job & I help others. Yet it takes so much energy to perform to the work productivity demands and take care of my heart, my home, my body. And I'm still recovering from my December car accident. I'm not looking forward to spending Valentine's Day alone; part of the change I'm working towards includes being more social, joining groups, attending events, trying to make new friends. So far, 3 friends/groups have declined getting together because they have Saturday plans. As I read others' posts here I see I'm not the only widow who feels "un-included" by previous friends. In a small way, that feels better because I know I'm not alone in this experience. This is my 2nd Valentine's Day without my husband....I do feel more resilient than last year and for that I'm grateful. J

I started this topic about a year ago. The emotion of Valentine's Day is once again haunting me. I got thru the Christmas holidays just fine but the ramp up to Valentine's Day is a grief trigger for me. I go to work each day, I take a walk on my lunch break as weather allows here in Alaska; I come home to an empty house, empty heart, empty bed. The friends who used feel like friends now "check in" every 8-12 weeks or less often. I'm trying to establish a new social network...I've registered for some classes this spring....it's not easy to be social but I'm trying. I feel lonely, left over, unimportant to friends who I thought cared for me. At the same time, I'm buoyed by my resilience. I know my grief is lightening these past 17 months. but Damn...this is hard work. What are you doing for Valentine's Day?

Butch, we share your pain, I'm so sorry for you losses. Please think about the basics: drink healthy fluids, eat a few protein bites, rest when your body lets you. When friends ask "how can I help?" consider going for a walk together, even if only 10 minutes. You may have to go back to work soon (I did too, to keep my job/benefits), yet for now, try to think about the here and now....an hour or day at a time. with warmth, Jo

G'day to all here. My positives this week: I went to a concert with a friend who lost her mom recently, have another planned for this upcoming week with the friend/hospice nurse who guided my husband's end of life....all part of my quest to be more social. I started medical massage for muscle strains I got from a bad car accident early last month. She warned me I'll feel worse before I feel better and she was right! I've got weekly massages set up through February. I was out of state for 4 weeks recently helping my parents as Mom recovered from a nasty hip fracture with infection and cardiac complications. Mom's doing better, and I'm finally caught up on my backlog that piled up at work while I was gone. It's a lazy day....a cozy fire's in the wood stove and later, a "play date" with a 6 year old to bake cookies. Jo

Butch, Anne, Elly....thanks for your thoughts and support. After working, managing the house alone, getting regular exercise, I'm exhausted. It all takes so much energy these days. Someone on these forums articulated it well a while back; to paraphrase: losing my husband makes me feel less than half of the whole we were together. That empty space, a black hole, is what I hope to heal as I find comfortable ways to evolve into a single person identity. I will always miss Fred; I also want to feel more whole. My closest friends have their own schedules/kids/jobs so I see or talk with them once or twice a month. I go out alone occasionally to eat, to a movie or lecture. A book club is a good idea, I'll look for a group to join. I feel I should put more effort into finding a broader social network......it feels like a daunting task. Elly, how touching that your husband's hockey friends are hanging his shirt to honor him. My husband, too, was into hockey. I can still barely flip the TV channel past a NHL game without feeling sad. Jo

It's been a while...I've not caught up on all your posts but I have read some. My daily meditation gathers all the newly grieved on this site into my breathe. In my small way, I'm with you. We all know the deep loneliness when we lose our life partner. It feels like a sucking black hole. My husband Fred died 17 months ago. We had 31 years together. Many days still suck me down but mostly I'm hopeful for my future, grateful for what Fred & I shared. He was the love of my life. Yet I'm stuck and I'd appreciate shared wisdom...I want to feel social again. I'm not looking for romance. I just want to be comfortable being social. It's so hard. Every hiking trail, every restaurant, every event venue in my small town evokes memories. How do we feel social again with all this sadness? Jo

Hi Audra, I've been off this group for several weeks so I'm catching up a bit late.....I belatedly want to congratulate you for your graduation a few weeks ago. I'm sorry you feel little relief. It IS hard to keep going. I truly understand how the daily grief in the early months, the hopelessness, the tears and despair go on and on. The experience shared here and the suggestions made by others rings true. I continue to feel on "autopilot" 15 months after my husband's death. My daily tears have abated yet he's in my heart and thoughts many times every day. I too look forward to the days when joy returns, it by bit. Warmly, Jo

I'm thankful that my heart isn't as heavy with grief this Thanksgiving as it was last year. Yesterday as I lovingly looked at photos of our early marriage, I didn't weep. That's a first for me, a positive sign that the heavy burden of loss does indeed ease over time. On Thanksgiving day, I took a 5 mile hike alone near our glacier. I stood at a lookout, phoned my Mom who's in a rehab center recovering from a broken hip and complications, she was unusually chatty. When her rehab team says she's ready, I'll take Family Medical Leave off work, hop on a plane and stay with my parents for a few weeks to help them thru the transition to home health rehab and nursing services. Kay, I'm very sorry for your frustrating waiting game for your test results. Been there. Jo

Harry, thank you for your literary skill in this post and others you've written. This eve of Thanksgiving, I wish us all peace in our hearts. This week, I'm finding comfort (and tears) thinking that the depth of my loss is proportional to the height of our love.

I am struggling, and I would give anything for this to be different. Hi Audra, You are so early in your grief, still in the year of firsts. I'm only a few months ahead of you in loss and I understand your struggle...we all do, as we pick up the pieces after losing our spouse, best friend, life partner. I'm learning that when I slow down, read grief references, meditate, swim laps (works for me!), good options present themselves to dilemmas I'm stressing over. There are many good mediation references here to try if you'd like a new tool to slow yourself down. Work can be a blessing in grief - for me, it's good structure. I have nothing to come home to, so I take all the overtime pay assignments I can get. It gets me out and social. I'm tired after 8-12 hours of physical and mental work, so I sleep decently most nights. I hope you find a transitional job that challenges you enough for healthy distraction, pays the bills, looks good on your resume. Chicago in winter: I recently shared about SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) lights on another page. I've never had a true depression issue, but the low winter light gets to me. Since I started using a SAD light Nov - Feb (many years running), I sleep better, have better mental clarity, more energy in the day, perform better at work. If you'll be in Chicago this winter, it may be worth a look. Costco - $40. Best health investment I've made in a long time. I've had mine for 10 years. You have a huge accomplishment coming up. It's on my calendar! If I don't acknowledge your graduation on 12/12 it's likely cuz I'll be gone helping my Mom who fell and broke her hip a few days ago. Be proud! Harvey's proud of you, you know it. Jo

Hi Melina, In my year on this site, your messages have felt like pillars of resilience to me. I'm sorry for the wave of overburden you're feeling. I recall we have a few things in common: we each were married about 28 years, we each live far away from family. I'm not a mom but I have adult stepchildren who lost their dad. I'm with you on missing the closeness, missing how we used to bounce ideas and feelings off our husbands every day. It's a void... an emotional black hole. Other friends, no matter how supportive, can't fill that space. I live in Alaska (58 degrees north latitude). I recall you live far north too. For 10 years, (long before Fred died) I've used a SAD light from November to February for 20 minutes each morning. It counters fatigue and helps my mental focus all day long. There's lots of science behind light therapy for those of us who live in the far north. It works wonders for me. Have you ever tried it? Just a thought to add to your self-help strategies. take good care. Jo

Hi Audra, What a huge goal you're accomplishing during a tough time in your life. I hope you are proud of yourself. You know Harvey's proud of you. Maybe I can propose some ideas that will help you decide. Grief wisdom advises no big decisions for a while, yet an academic milestone and new career often take us up up and away to new places, hopefully a new job and a whole new social scene. I'm still a working girl, will be for several years. My husband's death last year changed so many things, one being my retirement plans. I'm grateful for a secure job I really like and I wish that for you too. I'll be working for a while. Some things to consider: - Were you planning to stay in Chicago or re-locate after you graduated? - Where are your main emotional/grief supporters living? If you transition to a different social circle, what are those pro's & con's? - As you look at cost of living in Chicago vs elsewhere, consider that many professions earn higher wagers in big cities and certain geographic regions. Do Chicago job options look/feel good? - Does your new degree/career offer temporary work opportunities? For example, I work in the medical field....it's easy for RNs, MDs, therapists to travel for short term, lucrative pay assignments (usually 3-6 months). If you're in transition, that may help fill a gap, chose a place close to family/warm, not have to make a permanent decision now. Please consider that your grief work has to be done....wise men and women far ahead of you and me on their grief paths share that the healing goes on for years. So even tho' some of us work full time in jobs, we do well to save time and energy for heart & spirit. I'm learning to "chunk" it, an evening here, a weekend day there, to process my grief. That's becoming easier as the months pass. It used to control me, now most days I can direct my attention and intention. As Anne said, after you graduate next month, stop and breathe. You deserve it. I live in cold country, too....Alaska. My only gripe is that we haven't had a frost yet, my new skis are gathering dust :-) I, too, will be cheering for you on December 12 as you walk for your Master's degree diploma! take good care. Jo

Ditto on all the heartfelt thanks and appreciation shared above. Mary, I applaud you and your re-direction. Bravo. Walk gently, Jo

Hi Kay, I visited friends who now live in Coos Bay but we never lived there; I continued on to Hawaii where we lived/sailed/worked for years. It was a very good trip, heart-warming to see friends I haven't seen since Fred died and comforting (with some teary memories) to be where we spent our early years together. Shalady, I agree, those experiences are therapeutic, small steps on our long path of grief healing. Jo

Hi Elly, I'm very sorry for all you are going through; I'm a bit ahead of you on this grief journey...my husband Fred died 14 months ago after a short illness. It sounds like you had a big day today. I'm impressed with your courage and strength to attend the baseball banquet and accept the MVP award honoring your husband this evening. In my experience, it took tremendous physical and emotional energy to attend social events in early bereavement. I remember fluctuating between frenetic energy and dense fatigue. Many days I'd come home from work and just sit for hours. Sometimes I still do. You will move past this; we do that in bereavement by moving through it, taking care of ourselves, understanding grief and loss. I think we'd all like a magic switch or pill to turn off the pain. If only it was so easy. We're with you. Jo

I'm back home after a month off work, I traveled to Oregon & Hawaii where I visited friends/places Fred and I used to live 20+ years ago. I was drawn to re-visit where we met, married, owned a home & business in the 80s/90s. And it was good, carthartic, touched by warm memories both comforting and sometimes profoundly sad. Thank heavens for hats and sun glasses, as I was probably quite a site at times weeping as I hiked or sat on the beach alone. I stayed with long-time friends along the way, friends with whom Fred & I shared many adventures in our international sailing days. I planned the trip as a reward and transition as I begin my second year after Fred's death. I've healed enough from my acute grief and loss to feel my progress this past year: I still miss him every day yet I'm more social, I can honestly answer "how are you?" without crying. I've done hard tasks like sold his business and our boat, learned or hired out home maintenance he always did, began tackling the man caves.... his presence is so very strong there...it's comforting to be in those rooms. I'm thoughtfully sorting through and keeping the special things, purging the superfluous. You all who precede me on this grief path have shared the challenges of the second year and on; I'm reading the resources, reflecting on what matches my feelings and what may lie ahead. I feel hopeful about my future and sorrow that Fred won't be here to share what we'd planned in retirement. My self-image is shifting from "we" to "me" and I guess that's my work ahead, making that transition with an open heart. Jo

Something that is important to me this year is that fact that I am slowly learning how to live my “new” life without my soulmate physically present. Two years ago I did not know if I’d make it from day to day. A year ago I began to see a light that it will be possible to live without my Jim. The journey has been tough. Learning about grief has helped me to understand what was happening to me. Anne, I warmly thank you for articulating what I live and breathe daily. I post here infrequently; more often, I read and learn. I was/am unprepared for how much energy this tough grief journey demands. My husband died 13 months ago of a surprise advanced cancer. We had 5 weeks from here to gone. I feel like I'm past "the firsts", preparing for "the seconds", including our 29th wedding anniversary in November. I believe you are right: life is about choices, healing is possible. You ARE a ray of hope. Jo

Daisy, I'm very sorry for your loss with your husband's recent death and all the changes and adjustments that brings. My husband died after a short illness with cancer last year. Your dilemma is a familiar one to me. Sometimes I'm okay answering the "how are you" question. Other times I'm in a happy place and the question jolts me into sadness that I've successfully put aside for awhile, yet I want to acknowledge their kind intentions without seeming rude or stand-off-ish. One strategy I use is to have a few scripts in my head such as "I have my ups and downs, thanks for asking. Today's a good day", or "I'm getting back into healthy routines like walking the dog" then either walk on or change the subject to ask about them. Something like that helps me keep it brief, positive, honest, emotionally controlled. I hope perhaps my idea can help you. warmly, Jo

Hi Donnacas, I feel for you in your loss and recent challenges. 2 months is so short in grief yet probably feels like an eternity in your heart & soul. You've received some great counsel here. I trust the wisdom from those on this site who started their grief journey before us. As you work, do try to take a few hours a week to read about grief, care for yourself, eat well, drink water, go for a walk, listen to your heart, try to sleep, take naps or at least rest a bit. You ask, "how long"? Our grief and loss varies widely, so each of us will have a unique adjustment to our "new normal". When my early grief counselor advised me to re-think that same question after one year, I cringed. This week marks one year since my husband died. Not one day in the past 12 months has been emotionally easy; I awaken dreaming of him and I hug his pillow goodnight. I've not yet reached the point where happy memories outshine my sadness. I look forward to that. Maybe this will work for you....it helps me: when I have a quiet day, I rest, read, sleep, introspect. There's often a grief insight to ponder. It's all exhausting. Yet my grief is lighter than last year.....my insight is deeper....I'm sleeping well most nights now. I wish that you you too. Hang in there with healthy habits, talking with your loved ones, listening to them, too. What you're learning now will help you through your grief evolution. Take good care. Jo

thanks for the warm support. Jo

Maybe guilt is too strong a word, perhaps regret is a better choice. I don't feel that I've condemned myself to punishment nor have anything for which to forgive myself. We did the best we could with the short time we had, and for that I'm grateful. Here's the "but".... the fact is that medical signs and symptoms were missed. Had they not been missed, we'd've had more than 5 weeks quality time together after his cancer diagnosis. Call it what you will: guilt, regret, loss, unease......to me, they're pretty much the same.