Dawnie350

Oh dear, although I had all good intentions that 2014 would bring me hope. Things seem to have gone a bit wrong. I applied for a job as a learning mentor, before Christmas, and was amazed to hear I'd got an interview. However, the interview was a3 hour process with 4 tasks. The more I thought about it the more anxious I became, I couldn't think straight to plan the tasks ans although I got lots of good advice from friends I couldn't make a clear decision. I became even more of emotional wreck than I've been all year. So frustrated with myself for feeling like this. I'd decided a job was the thing that would help me come to terms with my loss but the thought of it was making me feel worse. Feeling confused and so run down I went to the doctors. I broke down in his surgery, weeping inconsolably. I left with a pack of anti depressants. The dr assured these would make me feel better but I'd need them for a year!!!! During the entirety of my grief I tried to steer clear of pills but I felt so desperate. I took the first pill on Wednesday and within a couple of hours felt very strange, like my head didn't belong to me and a little more scared. I went to bed and during the night I couldn't sleep and felt extremely sick. The next morning I couldn't get out of bed feeling sick, shivery, achey and not able to eat. Today is friday, interview day! but I am still in bed. The sickness is less, but achey exhaustion has set in. I have only taken the one tablet so not sure if the tablet was to blame or if I have a virus. My brother and sister in law had something similar last week. However, the experience has put me off the pills. I am wondering if the job was just too high pressured for me to cope with right now. I was a trainee teacher before I lost Dad but my loss has affected my confidence and desire to return to that path. Just too much pressure. Maybe a simple job in a coffee shop is what I need til I heal a little more. I'd love to hear any thoughts or experiences of pills and also if other felt the desire for a less pressured lifestyle After experiencing a great loss. Xx

Wow all these posts echo exactly how I feel. I'm sure I can never be the same person again because so much has change. However, I am hoping that one I will find the strength to happy again for real, not just plaster on a smile and pretend.

How good it is to hear it is ok to want to be at home. I feel my best at home. More comfortable and less anxious. More in control in solitude, when others invade panic returns. Dawnie

Thank you all for sharing with me. It's such a relief to hear from people who actually understand. I too am struggling with many of my close friendships as none of them have lost and all say such pitying irritating words that they feel I should hear. I know I am pushing these people away but it's the only way I can cope. I don't like confrontation. Christmas and new year has been so tough, more so than last year. I think some of the numbness is subsiding leaving raw emotional pain. I manage to visit the cemetery on Christmas Day, with my family. It was so painful. So hard to read those words. I don't think it is something I will rush to repeat. Like you say Dad is within my heart, part of who I am, not at a grave. I think knowing this makes this tough as I feel I'm letting dad down. He was so positive, happy and never grumpy or miserable as I now am. I wish I could just be sad without the painful misery. I think I do need a focus for the new year. I'm looking for a job and intend to join the gym and eat less as comfort eating is a problem. I am waiting for counselling sessions to begin again, unfortunately in this country the nhs has long waiting lists for these things. It's a sort of plan and I am really hoping this group may help me find hope again. Thank you listening.

Thank you for your replies. I have read a few other posts and it helps to know others have similar experiences. Today is a black day, a day I've been dreading. The headstone is being placed on the grave. I know it will cause me great pain to see Dad's name in the graveyard. It will mean its real and I don't want him to be there but know somehow I have to accept that he is. That is the tough one, accepting that I'll never see, hear, feel or touch him again. I know he is with me in my heart and my being but it's not the same.

Hello anybody, this is my first time at this so might be a bit wobbly. It's another of those unwanted first that are thrown at you when someone you love so dearly, dies. I've lost my wonderful, loving Dad to the evil of cancer and it's ripped my heart and head to shreds. Mum and Dad were the central rocks of our family, dependable and unconditional in all they did for us all. When we lost Dad we lost Mum too, she is a broken shadow of her former self. Never to be mended it seems. Dad won his first battle with lymphoma but 9 months later it returned with vengeance. The dr tried different plans but one evening Dad called me saying the dr wants to talk to us all together. We went to hosp and was told all hope had gone, nothing more could done. My lovely Dad had about a week of his life left to live. It felt like I had been hit by a bus. Dad kept shaking his head saying he couldn't believe it. At this point he look remarkably well from the outside. We took Dad home and over the next 5 days watch as he lost 20% of himself each day. He died. My lovely Dad who was full of energy, fun, life had died. How could that be? How can that be? And how do we cope? It's been just over a year since we lost him but I relive those events everyday. I still feel time hasn't moved on from nov 2012. People talk about healing but can I ever heal when I know I won't see, feel, hear my lovely Dad again. The pain is so raw, it has changed me completely. I struggle to live my life as I did before because of the pain inside my heart and head. I miss my Dad so much and will so hard that this will all change back to how it was. To my safe, stable life. To my life where I worked and studied and went to the gym and socialised. Now I do nothing, I don't work I avoid people as they mostly irritate me with their ignorant pity. The things people say thinking they are helping but actually they are twisting a knife in my heart. I could scream but I don't, I try and smile and say I'm ok in order to avoid their pitying smile or hug. They don't get it. A hug can't bring Dad back, they tell me at least he's at peace as if that should help. How? They say be thankful for the good times, I am and I want more. I don't get why people don't understand, am I being selfish by missing him and feeling angry that he has gone? I am 44 not a little girl so I think I really should be coping better. Of course Dad would die one day but expected him to get old and frail before that day. I no longer understand life. We are born to die and what happens in between now seems irrelevant. Why push yourself, challenge yourself when we are all just going to die. Oh dear I am rambling now but hope you can see I need help. Are these feeling normal or am I going completely bonkers? Will I ever feel like myself again? I'm fed with this life and want my old one back but that's impossible.