Hello anybody, this is my first time at this so might be a bit wobbly. It's another of those unwanted first that are thrown at you when someone you love so dearly, dies. I've lost my wonderful, loving Dad to the evil of cancer and it's ripped my heart and head to shreds. Mum and Dad were the central rocks of our family, dependable and unconditional in all they did for us all. When we lost Dad we lost Mum too, she is a broken shadow of her former self. Never to be mended it seems. Dad won his first battle with lymphoma but 9 months later it returned with vengeance. The dr tried different plans but one evening Dad called me saying the dr wants to talk to us all together. We went to hosp and was told all hope had gone, nothing more could done. My lovely Dad had about a week of his life left to live. It felt like I had been hit by a bus. Dad kept shaking his head saying he couldn't believe it. At this point he look remarkably well from the outside. We took Dad home and over the next 5 days watch as he lost 20% of himself each day. He died. My lovely Dad who was full of energy, fun, life had died. How could that be? How can that be? And how do we cope? It's been just over a year since we lost him but I relive those events everyday. I still feel time hasn't moved on from nov 2012. People talk about healing but can I ever heal when I know I won't see, feel, hear my lovely Dad again. The pain is so raw, it has changed me completely. I struggle to live my life as I did before because of the pain inside my heart and head. I miss my Dad so much and will so hard that this will all change back to how it was. To my safe, stable life. To my life where I worked and studied and went to the gym and socialised. Now I do nothing, I don't work I avoid people as they mostly irritate me with their ignorant pity. The things people say thinking they are helping but actually they are twisting a knife in my heart. I could scream but I don't, I try and smile and say I'm ok in order to avoid their pitying smile or hug. They don't get it. A hug can't bring Dad back, they tell me at least he's at peace as if that should help. How? They say be thankful for the good times, I am and I want more. I don't get why people don't understand, am I being selfish by missing him and feeling angry that he has gone? I am 44 not a little girl so I think I really should be coping better. Of course Dad would die one day but expected him to get old and frail before that day. I no longer understand life. We are born to die and what happens in between now seems irrelevant. Why push yourself, challenge yourself when we are all just going to die. Oh dear I am rambling now but hope you can see I need help. Are these feeling normal or am I going completely bonkers? Will I ever feel like myself again? I'm fed with this life and want my old one back but that's impossible.