JustJohn

Yeah... the way I'm wired I can't stand the fact that I may have hurt someone who we just trying to help... and the fact she's so passive aggressive, where she won't even give me any of the anger I feel should be directed at me (idk y I feel that) kind of makes me feel like she doesn't want to hurt my feelings, but just can't take it anymore. Makes me think she might still care, and that sucks that I could hurt somebody like that.

@kayc Yeah, and thats what I'm doing. I'm thanking those who've helped me through it and apologising to anybody I feel I may have wronged. A friend doesn't want me to thank her or apologise, bc she feels that we're fine regardless. This other friend is pretty much done though. She said that she won't be helping me anymore and I can't blame her. I flat out questioned why she reached out and came to the funeral... I think that was the last straw for us. Idk why I said that and made her feel used and abused, but I wasn't myself there. The past week I've been well, I just don't know what to do about her.

I know. I'm a strong person. I audio know in not OVER the death I'm just more accepting. Now i just have this sickening feeling that I actually hurt the people who were here to help me through this... it's not fair to them that I question their loyalty and friendship... now that in not drinking I see how poorly I've acted. Ppl say it's normal when grieving, that doesn't make it right. I know they care, or DID care... but I have nobody to blame but myself. I wasn't prepared for this...

When I say "come to grips" I mean that I'm accepting it. There's nothing I can do more to change it, and not every memory of my mother needs to be sad. I also didn't realise that the few days AFTER binge drinking would affect me so much, as those were the days I felt the worst emotionally. Like you guys say, it's a journey, but journey doesn't have to be all pain... it's high time I stop being Selfish about it though... my family needs me, and all anybody wants to see is me being me again.

Sorry for any spelling/grammatical errors... I'm doing this all on my S4 and with Swype... not exactly easy lol.

Thank u all again. Like I said I've had my moments. I do believe I've come to grips with the death, I just now feel as though I've been unfair to those who helped nee, that's part of what hurts. But the past two days I've been good. I wasn't prepared for any of these feelings, and want aware how negatively I could affect others. One of them went even return my texts, and I can't blame her. My issues are my issues, I refuse to take advice and not make the effort to be happy, why should I expect the effort from anybody else? They've done all they could. I've had some clarity these past couple days, thanks to you guys and an old friend. I know how it feels to deal with a clinically depressed individual who pitys themselves and wants everyone's sympathy, but doesn't attempt to be happy or seek help...my mother. She gave up, but I won't. Damn, it feels good to say this, bc I know this is what the John of 3 months ago would say to be now. Control the things you can control, everything else is for life to work out. Stay positive, think clearly, and be you... make the best of any and all situations. I'm the guy who likes to Make people laugh. They all viewed nee as pretty unflappable, where nothing that got me down was able to BRING ME DOWN. I'll be get there, no matter how long it takes. No matter how much support I have. All I can do is take the advice given... the rest is up to me.

@enna yeah thank you. I've been looking for people to feel sorry for me I think, but I've had support. One of the women begged me to seek help today saying she cares for me but doesn't know what to say. She's experienced loss herself so she understands, but we grieved differently, and our relationships with our mother's was different. Thanks again... u guys are so positive.

Wow... complete strangers take the time to read and respond to my issues? Guys thank you, it's kind of restoring my faith in people. I will take time to read those articles regarding the overdose. Hoping now that I can put these feelings aside and at least maintain a positive work relationship for my sanity and theirs. U guys r great!

Ok so I realise now that I'm not the only one whose experienced this... I also learned that the advice I was given was adequate. I'm gonna be straght here... I know i have a good head on my shoulders, I just didn't know how to react. Will I have my moments of insanity still? Sure, but just because I have people who said they would help doesn't mean to take it out on them. And yes, my sisters are doing well thank u all for asking. My issues have been exhausting to me and everyone, I just need to find something to distract me from the issues, that isn't in a bottle or in my contacts list.

@kayac Yeah thanks. I haven't been thinking clearly lately. They seem to understand. Now my biggest thing is not wanting to hurt them, and I wanna show I understand what it's like to be smothered by someone who is depressed. It's not fun, and it isn't fair. I'm trying to be self reliant again...

Thank u @pastmidnite. I understand fully. However, this job is a bit different, it's not a typical office job. We are all extremely young, and I've grown close to these two in particular. So it's just very confusion, I know it's been hard on them too, but if they want to be there then they should know what they're getting into. Other than that I hold no grudge, life has to keep going with our without their support.

Ok so my mother passed away at the age of 43, on 10/23/13, two days after her birthday. I'm a mentally strong 23 year old guy and I can usualy deal with any and all issues head on. This has been a bit different. I have 2 younger sisters, one of whom is expecting. The oldest is 18 and also has a list of mental disorders... the younger is 16, she, like me, is very strong and independant emotionally. My mother suffered from LONG term pain medication abuse. In and out of psych wards, and rehab programs, but ultimately nothing worked. All three of us were there when she died, of what i expect to be a overdose. I came from work and she was just so out of it, but I figured "Hey, she's been here before, she'll wake up soon and ask for a soda." About two hours later, my youngest sister comes screaming that my moters not breathing... I rush in as does my other sister. I see her lying there, pale as can be, lips blue, not breathing. There was vomit in her mouth and nose, so i immediately turn her over to get what i can out, before performing cpr/mouth-to-mouth, I knew from the start it was futile... everytime i pressed on her chest, she would convulse and her eyses would open...but there was no life in they eyes at all. We called 991 as I was trying what I could. My sisters ran outside, crying and confused, and that got our neighbors and friends to rush in to see what was going on. The whole situation was very traumatic for all involved. We get taken to the hospita by our friends, where she is pronounced dead on sight. Skip ahead a few days later, my youngest sister and I are with her side of the family, the other went with her boyfriend. Everybody is being very nice, asking how we are. My sisters were torn up, and don't get me wrong, I was too. But i was able to handle myself. I get a text from an unknown number about a day later. It was from one of my co-workers who i have known for two years. We weren't exactly close at first hel, we flat out didn't get along. But sometime before this we were becoming pretty good friends.Her text was saying that she was sorry and that if I need someone to talk to that I can always talk to her. I thanked her and was truly moved. Within the same timeframe, I get another message from another co-worker. I have only known this one for about 3 months. She was a friend of the girl who just texted me so like her we didn't really speak much, until we got talking and became friendly at work. She said some of the same, saying that anytime I need someone to talk to just hit her up. She said it's ok because she considers me a friend and she cares. They both came to the funeral which I also appreciated. I honestley thought I wouldn't ned help. I didn't cry yet... I was handling myself and looking out for family. But, for some reason... Just before Thanksgiving, it hit me. I was a wreck. I'd say it was about two weeks in to November actually when it started. I never realy called them, because I dont like people to hear me cry, so I would text. At first it all seemed OK. I had support, they let me vent and just talked dumb stuff to cheer me up. Now, this is all new to me. Not just this loss, but opening up. I usually dont trust people with my issues, as I feel I'll be let down or hurt. I'd say about half way through december is when I started getting paranoid. I would apologise CONSTANTLY for texting or talking to them. After awhile I saw it was annoying them, but I had a hard time controlling my emotions. Eventually, I was flat out ignored by one of them. The pain in that hurt almost as much as the loss. It felt as though I gained a new friend who will get me thirough this...AND lost them in a matter of 2 months. Again, I would ask and then I'd get a response and I would be told not to worry, they have their own issues to deal with. They want to be here but dont know what to say. I take that and I'm happy, until i start to snap again. I honestly know i'm kinda rambling here, but I'm writing this as I see it in my mind.I just feel so betrayed and alone. If you are going to tell someone you are here for them, you better know the situation and be ready, because its allot. Especially in the state of mind I am in... its not fair to me or them. I feel like a jerk for even saying anything to them, then when i feel like I upset them... thats when they get upset. I know it can be exhausting, but why would they say theyre here. I feel like they dont care at times but when i call them out on it for real, they assure me they do. They take the time to talk... Am I being too needy? Is this normal? A I expecting too much? are they wrong? Am I? or are we all slightly at fault? I REALLy wish they NEVER reached out to me. I never asked them to. They didnt have to offer help. If they hadnt, everything at work would be the same, and I wouldnt feel so damn awkward around them now... Grief is kicking me in the gut... and this is compounding everything.... And, not to complain, I have ADHD on top of this... so my mind never stops as is........