liljo

Dear Marty, It's me again, I am just panicked at the stupid thing that I had said. How could I be so ignorant ? Now you can see why I never make posts ! I am so very sorry. I have never read the past posts of so many members, so I had no idea of your loss. Also, I apologize to all the members that love Marty so much - I know that my statement hurt you also. I won't be able to function today, until I hear from Marty that I am forgiven. Jodi

Dearest Marty, My most sincere apologies to you. I am so,so very sorry. I had no idea that you had lost your child. This breaks my heart, and makes me cry at my ignorance. I think the loss of a child is probably the most similar to losing a spouse ( though I don't know ) Please , please forgive me. Love, Jodi ❤

Thank you Mary . My situation is even worse than some, because I don't even have children to help me through this, AND , a couple of weeks ago my 23 year old cat died in my arms. He was my "child". So, now even MORE loneliness and heartache. Ok, so you want to hear of us "trying" to make our lives better ? Well, a few days ago I drove ( with my Mother) 3100 miles (round trip) up to Minnesota just to buy an OLD camping trailer !! This was a BIG deal. All my friends and family were patting me on the back for such a courageous step. Well, guess what - it was one step forward, and 1000 steps backwards. Yesterday, I actually sat down in the dirt outside my house , and bawled like a baby., and yes, I said out loud - I can't do this, I can't go on like this. Believe me, I "try", but nothing means anything without Bill by my side. I can't help the way I feel. Perhaps I'm mentally "not all there" ??? I thank everyone for their suggestions, and I'm sure they would like to shake some of us like a rag doll, but I am who I am. I'm not being "stubborn", I just can't seem to get a grip on this overwhelming loss. I probably won't write anymore. I don't want to " frustrate" anyone. By the way- Marty still HAS her husband , right ? ( just sayin') Jodi

Hi everyone, I haven't written in awhile, I usually just read the posts daily. I am not attempting to "speak" for Chris, and Heidi in this post, I am simply putting in my "two cents", and coming to their defense. First of all - I am in the SAME boat as they are ( not wanting to live without my Bill). I don't know how you can say that they don't "add" anything to the site - They both help ME daily , by knowing that I am not ALONE, or " crazy", for feeling like I do. I don't think that they are harming anyone by saying that they wish they could die. It's not "contagious" - people either feel that or they don't . I feel like I don't want to go on also, yet we, ( Chris , Heidi, and I ) are still here, still alive, still getting up everyday, and struggling to deal with the chores of everyday life. I think we deserve great credit just for that ! The poem that Marty sent was nice, but actually it made me CRY. My grief, and missing Bill's "physical" presence is too fresh right now, and I can NOT think of him as just being "in my heart" . It's not enough for me at this time. And, the piece from the woman "A lesson from the heart", Nice, but no help - that woman's son is still ALIVE. Perhaps there should be a separate forum for those like us, that find "living" is too painful, after losing our spouses ?! That way, others can choose wether to look at it or not ? Also, perhaps someone here can suggest another grief support group that might be better suited for us ? Do you know what you are doing to the ones ( like me) that feel like this ? You are pushing us further into a Dark ,lonely , isolation. I now feel like we are "orphans". By the way, I took everyone's advice , and started seeing a grief counselor - I've been maybe 6 times. It's not helping me at all. The good thing though, is I can say to her numerous times that I " don't want to live without Bill'", and I am not scorned for it. Ok, that's all for now. I apologize to Heidi, and Chris - they may not agree with a thing I have said here. I just know that I took what was said to them very personal, and I wanted to tell them , that I understand exactly how they are feeling, and I THANK them for helping me to "go on" Love, Jodi

Hello Everyone, I am making a brief post, just to get back in the "loop". I read a lot of posts daily, but just don't know what to write . I am not as "articulate " as all of you ! So, I had an idea today - maybe I could just write a sentence or two once in awhile ! Today was the 3 month anniversary of losing my husband Bill . (As you may have read on Chris's thread , I , like Chris and Heidi, am still struggling daily to go on, and am still REALLY messed up). I did finally find a counselor ( an hour from where I live) that may be able to help me ? My Appt. is Friday. I need her to help me with the horrible flashbacks that I suffer from . I don't believe though that she , nor ANYONE can help me with the loneliness I feel ? I hope that all of you who were so kind to me in the first weeks , will forgive me for not writing each of you back. I guess you all understand that it's hard to do ANYTHING at all sometimes. I'll be back again soon, and meanwhile I'll keep reading . Love and hugs to you all, Jodi

Dearest Fae, My name is Jodi, I've only ever made a few posts. My husband (Bill) died three months ago today. I just remember the beautiful post that you wrote to me a couple weeks after losing him. It was so comforting, and felt like a big hug. I'm sending that great big hug back to you now. I just read about all of this yesterday, I was so shocked, and sad. From what little i know about you though, you have a strong , amazing spirit, and will get through all this just fine . I really can't imagine what it must be like not having Doug to help you. It made me think about that for the first time - I was there to hold Bills hand all through his illness, but, I will have no one when something happens to me. It's so wonderful that you have this big , beautiful "family" here to love and support you ! In a few weeks , when you are rested and feeling better, I would love to talk to you about Art ! Bill and I had made our living for 25 years selling our Art, Now I am unable to go near the studio, therefore I can't paint, and have no income. You ,being an Artist might have some suggestions ? Well, for now - stay strong, get rest, and get WELL ! Sending you Love, hugs, and "healing light" ❤ Jodi

Hello Chris, This is Jodi ( Jo), I haven't posted for weeks, but read everything daily. I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you on these difficult days, and to let you know that I am going through the same thing - it will be 3 months tomorrow ( the 14th) that I lost my Bill. As you know quite well, all the days leading up to the "actual day", are just as excruciating . I am still in extreme pain, I feel just like you (and Heidi) do, and find it hard to get through each day. I wish I could trust others that say it will get better, but it's SO hard right now. Thank you for helping me ( just by knowing that someone else feels exactly like I do ). Take care Chris, I will try to muster up the strength to write again soon. Jodi

Hi Chris, I haven't posted anything for almost a month, but I read your thread everyday. I just wanted you to know that I thought about you all weekend . . The 14th was the 2 month anniversary of losing my Bill. I can completely understand how you are feeling. I'm falling further and further into isolation. Nobody understands. I don't want to talk too much about my pain, because I don't want to make you feel worse. I just wanted to say that I can relate to every word you write. I hope to find the energy to make some posts soon, but for now, I'll continue to just read. I hope you were able to get a little sleep over the weekend ? Looking forward to hearing how you are doing. Jo

Hi again Chris, I was in the middle of writing another post, and it just disappeared ! I have no idea where it could have gone ? I just wanted to say that - I was reading your earliest posts, and realizing that it sounds exactly how I am feeling a month into this. My Bill and I, were just like you ,and your Paula. - "inseparable". We were together for EVERY minute of 27 years, and we lived in our own little world . I know that some people find love again, but I never will - I made a promise of that to Bill, and I meant it . I know of course that he would want me to be happy, but he was the Love of my life, and could never be replaced. That's what makes this all even harder - knowing that this is my new reality, "alone", now and for all the ( miserable) days of my life I just that read that your Paula was only 59, just like my Bill. Why ? , and How, could two beautiful ,happy, loving persons ( and SO young) have been taken from us ? ( as you can tell, my "anger" is surfacing) Well, I better stop writing for now. Talk to you soon, Jo

Good morning Chris, Thank you for asking about how I was yesterday. I thought I would just watch TV all day, to distract myself, but it seemed that EVERYTHING that was on, was talking about Valentines Day, and LOVE ?, so there was no escaping it. I did make myself a pasta dinner, and had a glass of wine, then spent the rest of the night looking at things on eBay ! ( that could get to be an "expensive" distraction !). How did you spend your day ? I'm so glad that you had that experience at group the other night , I need to join a local group soon. I would love the chance to just "open up", and cry, and get it all out there to someone "in person" I think the hardest thing for me right now, is that I feel like no one is hearing ( seeing) my intense pain - I can write about it on this site, but that's not quite the same as someone seeing me actually "wailing" ! I think that's why I have withdrawn from friends, I just feel like they don't understand, and it's too hard to try and explain it to them. Do you see your children very often ? Does it help a bit ? Bill and I had no children, so, all I have is my dog, and cat . ( well, and my Mother is nearby, which helps) I am going to go with my Mom and her friends today , to lunch, and then a "craft" class. This is a big deal for me, I hope I can hold it together ? ( but if I don't , no big deal ! I'm getting pretty used to crying and breaking down in public these days !) Are you going to work on your car a bit today ? Hope so ! ? Well, I hope your weekend is good ( as it can be). Jo

Hi Chris, and everyone , I just wanted to say sorry that I'm not able to write today. I'm already dreading tomorrow, as it is the one month anniversary (14th), AND Valentines day. It's just too much to think about, I wish I could just sleep through the whole day ! Love, and hugs to you all, Jo.

Hi Anne, Just wanted to say Good luck at your Appointment tomorrow, I hope all goes very well. ❤ & hugs ! Jo

Dear Chris, I'm so sorry that you're having a difficult night. I wish I knew the right things to say , that would help you ( like you have helped me) I unfortunately do not have the gift of "writing" , I guess that's why I don't make many posts. ( I'm not good with words, and always afraid I'm going to say the wrong thing.). You are SO articulate Chris, I really enjoy reading all of your posts. That is really great that you restore old cars !, Are you working on one right now ? Bill and I were old car fanatics ! We owned about three different ones, at different times, and we LOVED going to old car shows ! When we didn't have an old car to drive around in, we felt empty. In your class , are you learning welding ? ( or maybe you already knew how to weld ?). Bill taught himself how to weld, and made very simple rustic sculptures, that he sold at Art shows, He was a painter before that, and we both made a living from our art for 26 years. I'm sorry if it seems like I am "rambling" about things ! I just wanted to write about something lighthearted tonight, I know you're feeling sad tonight, and I don't want to add to that. I will write again tomorrow ( I still need to properly reply to your last letter !) I hope you're feeling a little better than you were earlier ? , and I hope you can sleep well. Jo

Hello again Chris , Yes, Mary and Kay were right when they said that you offered me some great help, and healing words. I felt better after reading your letter, and tried to do some things today that you spoke about . For starters, I made myself sit with Bill's photo, and I talked to him. Then throughout the day I tried to make small changes in my thinking. I had been scared to be in the same room with his ashes. I had set the box down when I brought it home, and haven't even been able to look at it. He had made a very artistic little "house" out of metal, that he wanted his ashes to be put in ( I will post a picture soon). I haven't been able to do that yet, but, today I made a small step - I spent time in the room, cleaned it up a bit, opened the curtains, etc. Maybe soon I can make that next step. I absolutely loved hearing about Paula's signs ! ( and About Bill's signs to Mary). I think if I could start receiving more signs it would give me great comfort. I had a strange night last night - I couldn't sleep, and at 1:30 am, I heard FOOTSTEPS on our front porch !! ( I'm not talking about the spirit kind, I mean the scary human kind !). Our house is in the middle of the desert, so this was VERY frightening. They lasted for about a minute. I just laid there petrified, and figured I would just stay awake all night long. The next thing I knew , I had dozed off and dreamt of Bill ( the first real dream of him in the month that he's been gone) in the dream he walked into our room, and I was thinking "what is he doing here, he's dead ? Then he just walked towards me, never said a word, and just held me in his arms ! Sadly, I woke up right away, but that dream brought me great comfort ( I'm hoping that he did that somehow, because he knew the great fear I was feeling about hearing the footsteps, and being all alone ?) What kind of classes are you taking ? I admire you for having the motivation to do that. I may take a little class on Saturday with a sewing group, it will be a big step - honestly I don't really like being around people AT ALL right now. When I'm not visiting my Mom, I just stay in my own little world here at home , watching my old movies, and some of the British shows like Downton Abbey ( that Bill and I loved SO much ) Did you (or anyone reading this ), find that "food" brought about painful thoughts ? Bill and I loved cooking together, and so much of what we did was food centered. I can't stand opening up the pantry full of the foods that he loved eating. I don't even want to enjoy any food now, because he can't . Well, I'll probably think of more to say later .... I Thank you again for taking the time to write such a long, and very helpful letter ! I hope you sleep well tonight. Jo

Dear Chris , Thank you so very much for your beautiful reply. I am going to write back a little later, I have to take care of a lot of things today : ( I just sat down to have a coffee break, and found your reply, so wanted to acknowledge it . ( I think that it will help me get through my day !), So , I Thank you again, and I will talk to you soon. Jo

Hi Chris, My name is Jo. ( short for Jodi). I am fairly new to the group. I lost my husband ( of 27 years) January 14 th ( not even a month ago ) He died 3 months after learning he had Pancreatic Cancer. I have been following this thread for the last week, wanting to write, but never having the energy. I can relate so much to every word that you write. I too, cannot imagine living without Bill , especially when I look ahead to the future. I made a promise to my Mother and brother that I wouldn't "check out" ( at least as long as both of them are still here), but I feel a panic everyday about HOW exactly to go on ?? I know that I will feel exactly the same way 6 months from now, and 20 years too. Bill was only 59, I am 54 . The thought of being here on this earth until I'm in my 80's or so , scares the hell out of me ! I liked the fact that Paula sends you signs. Can you tell me about some that you have received ? Do you talk out loud to her all of the time ? I try to do that often, but then sometimes I just get depressed, wondering if he REALLY hears me ? : ( I cry ( and scream), hysterically all through the day. I have been able to sleep at night ONLY because I drink a "sleepy time vanilla" herbal tea. I like it because its natural, but knocks me out ! Maybe it could help you too ? Were you ( are you) able to look at her photos ? I am having a hard time with that right now. He was so vibrant, and energetic, so when I look at his picture, I just can't accept the fact that he's really gone. Every single thing in our house, yard, and studio reminds me of him, and makes me breakdown. I know people say it gets easier, but I KNOW this pain will never go away. Anyways, I wanted to introduce myself, and tell you how much I am relating to you . Thank you for putting it all out there, it's helping me to realize I'm not the only one struggling with HOW in the heck to go on. Jo

Oh, in answer to your question Mary - "am I near a Hospice center"? The support group that I attended for my Dad was a Hospice group , in Albuquerque. I did hear that they have a new " moderator" now, so I may give it another try. Jo

Thank you again Mary ! Like always, you make some very good points ! You must be on this site every waking moment ! I don't know how you have the energy to write so much , ( and to read all the posts !!). You truly are an angel ! I will try to keep reading posts , and try to write, if even just a few words at a time. Thank you . Jo Ps- Are there emoticons that can be used on this site ? I have a problem communicating sometimes without "faces" to convey my emotions !!

Thank you Marty, and Mary for your suggestions . I will read more about this on the suggested links. In answer to your question Mary, I am VERY alone with all of this. As I had told you, I have my Mother nearby, and when I am at her house, I don't cry, but the minute I come home, and I am alone - I CAN'T STOP crying . I don't have any girlfriends nearby, and even if I did, I don't think I could talk to them. I am just so angry right now with everyone, because their lives are just going on like normal, and my Bill is "ashes in a box", sitting in our living room. My brain just can't accept, and process this. When my Dad died four years ago, I joined a support group ( an hour from where I live), It helped at first, but it just became a social gathering where people ended up talking about their grandchildren, and other non related subjects ! I needed to be talking about my Dad, and my PAIN at the time. So, that is why I had considered going to a retreat for my current grieving. Though, what you said Mary, really makes sense- I might go to a retreat for three days, and feel better, but then have to come back to a quiet lonely house, and my crying, etc would just start all over again. I just feel panicked, I can't imagine having to live years and years without my Bill. I know everyone here guarantees it WILL get " better", But three weeks into this, I can't see any of that. Anyways, Thank you both, I will let you know if I find any answers, or a place I can visit. Enjoy your weekend, Love, Jo

Hi Everyone, I was wondering if anyone knows of a "grief center" that you can actually "check into". ( like a rehab facility, but for GRIEF ?). I've been trying to research such a thing, but most I find are for grieving children. If anyone knows of one for adults, I would love to hear about it. I would be willing to travel anywhere in the US, if it meant I could get HELP : ( Thank you, Jo

Hi again Anne, I had only read the short post about Benji, now I went back to read his whole story. Wow, how lucky and wonderful , that you found each other . It's so great that you both shared such good times in his short, precious life. Do you think you'll get another dog eventually ? When I lost one of my dogs ( years ago) to a rattlesnake bite : (, I cried everyday for one month, and then at exactly the one month mark, I found a little stray puppy ( my current dog "Bumby") , its like my other dog "sent" her to me to ease my pain ? Perhaps, when the time is right, Benji will send you a new companion ? Oh Anne, I hope I'm not saying anything wrong ? Since I am in a state of such deep grief, I'm not always sure about what I'm thinking or writing ? Love, Jo

Hi Anne, I am new to the site, I just read about your sweet little Benji. I am so sad for you. I don't have children, so when I have lost pets, it is especially traumatic. My little dog "Bumby" is the only thing that is keeping me going right now (after losing my husband two weeks ago,) But she is getting old, and I'm worrying about that already. I completely understand what you are going through. I'm so sorry Anne. Sending you Love, and hugs. Jo

Thank you Dear Mary, Queenie Mary, feralfae, Anne , Jan, and Kay ! I wish I had the energy ( like you all do ) to write more. I just spend so much time crying, that it makes my eyes tired, and then I can't do much of anything. Everything that you all have written is so helpful , and comforting to me. It's only been two weeks, everything is still too fresh and the pain still unbearable. Did any of you cry often, and uncontrollably for awhile after losing your husbands ? Did everything in your homes remind you of them ? Thank you for being patient with me . I really do want to write more when possible. Until then, I will keep reading as much as I can. Love, and hugs to all of you. Jo

Dearest Mary, Karen, and Kay, I want to write you individually, but for now would just like to acknowledge your replies. They were all so beautiful, and I am sad, and sorry for the losses of your Husbands. It's so wonderful to know that you all understand so well. Mary you had asked about my situation ( job, kids, etc), Bill and I have been self employed for 26 years. We are (were) both Artists, we travel around the country , selling our work at Art Festivals. We were together every minute of our 27 years. ( That's what makes it ever so hard). We don't have children, and we don't have a "base" of friends in the town that we live in, because we travel so much. Thank goodness my Mother lives down the road from me, and she has been a great source of support. I stayed with her for 7 days after Bill died , I was so scared to be alone at home. I am taking baby steps, and able to be in the house now, but I always need to have the TV on for background noise. I do tend to cry all the time when I'm home, because there's no one around to see me "wailing". I will write again soon. Thank you again for your kind replies. Love and hugs, Jo

Hi everyone, I lost my husband almost two weeks ago, ( Jan. 14th) . I don't really have the energy to write, but I need help, so this will just be a short post for now. Last October we found out that he had Stage IV Pancreatic Cancer, that had spread to many other organs, it was shocking to us, he was only 59 years old, thin, healthy and energetic. He only lived 3 months after that devastating diagnosis. He died at home , in the middle of the night - I was alone with him, holding his hand, but he didn't go peacefully. So, now I am haunted by those images, on top of the horrible pain of losing him. We had been together 27 years. I don't know how to go on without him. Right now I don't really like hearing "you're gonna be ok", Or "you have a long full life ahead of you". I can't see any of that , and I don't look forward to a long life if I don't have HIM. The sadness and loneliness is overwhelming. I cry hysterically all day. Nights are unbearable. I feel immobile. I feel like I'm losing my mind. I seem to be withdrawing from everyone I know. Despite everyone's good intentions, I just feel that they don't understand unless they have actually lost a spouse (partner, soulmate) I lost my Dad 4 years ago, and was still crying almost everyday, and then THIS happened. ( I don't handle grief well at all ?) Now, I have had to block out the pain of my Dad's death, to try to deal this new horrible loss. Nothing could have ever prepared me for the extreme pain, fear, and hopelessness that I am feeling. Thank you for reading, hopefully I can find comfort here. "Jo". ?