Emunah

Thank you all for your encouragement and advice. The articles were helpful. They helped provide some direction. I wasn't able to make it to the group last week, but I am going to try again this week. I am hoping the dynamics smooth out a little bit, and maybe after a report is built things will be better. Although, I might mention something to the main leader if after a few sessions the breakout leaders continue to shut people down. Maybe I just don't thrive in a large group setting currently. I appreciated your input. -Emunah-

Kay- I am very sorry to hear about your brother-in-law. I hope and pray that his surgery goes well. Thank you Marty for the article, I found it very helpful. I attended a grief support group held in my community for the past two weeks. There were just about as many leaders present as there were group members. The group is video based, so we watch a twenty minute video and then broke out into discussion groups. In my discussion group there were five group members and four leaders. It did not seem like there had been much collaboration between leaders. One leader asked questions, and the other leaders jumped to answer the questions. A couple times a few group members ventured to answer questions, and were quickly interrupted by a leader who wanted to share an anecdote or a it of advice. I left feeling frustrated and discouraged. I realized I had expectations of how I had hoped the group would be lead, and that was not the case. I don't want to give up on the group just yet, but I do not know if it would be appropriate for me to say something to the group leaders. Does anyone have any thoughts or experiences where something similar happened, and maybe something that they or someone else did that was helpful? Sincerely, Emunah

Joey, I Hope you had a good time with your friends in nature. I spent the day similarly, I went on a hike with three girl friends. It was a beautiful snowy trek including pines and open fields. There is nothing like good conversation and fresh air to bring a little restoration to the soul. Upon arriving home another girl friend and I enjoyed some indian cuisine. Proceeded by lounging on a plush carpet, watching Bill Cosby comedy reruns, while laughing and crying. I think it was brave of you to try and anticipate what your needs would be on Valentines day and plan a way to meet those needs in a healthy way. It doesn't make it any less painful or difficult, but I find that it makes it bearable. Peace, Emunah

Marty, When I read your post concerning spiritual connections I felt a sense of relief. It validated a deep desire to still have some level of connection with my fiance. I have struggled with frustration and confusion concerning why G-d would ask us to invest so fully in another human being, simply to have it end in irreparable dissolution. I have always trusted that I would see him again- this may sound silly and irrational- but I mourned the loss of the nature of our relationship in this life, fearing that in a redeemed state he may not even desire to be friends. kayc and mfh, thank you for also sharing your own thoughts and experiences in this regard. They were also very helpful and encouraging. I have found that there are few people who are comfortable talking about my fiance, and the people who are comfortable are usually the ones who have experienced loss. I desire to share memories and talk about him, but I do not want to make people uncomfortable. The common response is for the pallor to drain from an individual’s face, eyes turn down, lips purse, and a general restlessness settles over his or her demeanor. I quickly change the subject to inconsequential trivialities such as, “So...that Polar Vortex was a doozy...”. Part of me becomes frustrated. If I was full of more piss and vinegar and less prudence, I would say, “Yes, I know he is dead, BUT HE EXISTED.” Do any of you have any thoughts to share on why people feel uncomfortable talking about the deceased, helpful ways to process my frustration, and how to respond graciously to others? I very appreciative that you all have taken time to thoughtfully consider my questions, and share your experiences. Best Regards, Emunah

KayC- Thank you for your sincere empathy. I am also very sorry that you had such a short time with your George. It feels so wrong to have a deep relationship with an individual, and then to have them taken away. My heart goes out to your sister concerning your brother-in-law’s Kidney cancer. What a hard decision to make, opting not to do dialysis. My Fiancee’s kidneys failed, which led to him being ineligible for another lung transplant. We opted not to do dialysis. That was the most excruciating decision of my entire life. It felt like we were giving up, and it has been a difficult decision to emotionally reconcile. I hope that your sister and BIL have a good support system for the days ahead. Sometimes I find that other peoples losses or circumstances cause me to relive my trauma. I know that my loss is still very recent. I am not sure how long it has been since you lost George, but do you or have you struggled with being able to truly be empathetic for others due to reliving your own trauma? I enjoyed your philosophy on energy changing forms, and in turn being reunited with your husband. It is a beautiful amalgamation of science and spirituality. I never would have thought to apply the Theory of Relativity in that way. I appreciate that you took the time to respond. Sincerely, Emunah

Friends, I recently discovered this site, and have been blessed to read many encouraging posts. It is profoundly encouraging to experience the bereaved supporting the bereaved. Thank you. I am in my early twenties and my fiance passed away at the end of this past June. I was aware he had a terminal illness before we started dating; yet, I defied my higher faculties falling serendipitously in love with this sagacious young man, whose body was ravaged by a lifetime of consecutive illnesses. We were an unlikely pair to behold. I toward a lanky eleven inches over him. He, with a twinkle in his eye and a wry smile, would inform me that, "You are the muscles of the relationship, but I have the broad emotional shoulders", and so he did.Trying to describe my fiance, would be as futile as attempting to bottle sunlight or measure a mother's love. We had nine glorious months together. 42 weeks too few. He needed a second double-lung transplant, but his body eventually succumbed to the infections that had gone septic. I naively hoped my love could fix his broken body; that The Powers That Be would acknowledge our love, and prolong the snipping of that fine golden thread. The Fates were not amenable, and I was haphazardly confronted by the deafening scream of silence. And unwillingly ushered into the presence of the additional face of Joy; that unsavory and repugnant countenance, marred by disillusion and pain. Oh Joy, you inevitable via dolorosa. "But, this I call to mind and therefore I have Hope..." How does one begin to think about the future in the wake of the shattered remnants of a future that was deeply desired but will never be? Thank you for your time. Sincerely, Emunah