Kacy

Jackie, it's too bad that we are all so far away from each other because I think the support would be wonderful for all of us if we were closer. Even though each of our circumstances is different, there is that (unfortunate) common bond among us. Is there someone back home that could help in finding a new place? Maybe look at them for you so they could narrow it down to a few for you to look at? Or contacting a realtor in the area you are thinking of relocating to would be a start. Moving is always such a stressful ordeal, but at least you would then be in a spot where you want to live. I understand how overwhelming it all must seem right now. Planning anything beyond today can sometimes be overwhelming to me. Maybe keeping your goal in mind will help. Once you get settled in your new place, a local rescue group could help find a dog that would work for you. Or maybe a service dog that could help with the MS? Everything seems so uncertain in our lives now that we've lost our spouses. So many questions about the future.... Kay, I'm sure it was hard to work thru starting a new life after losing George. I know you've mentioned about having to do things on your own to keep your place running, so that certainly is an accomplishment. It's wonderful that you have this neighbor now to visit with. I'm so glad she was able to be there for you with Arlie. It's good to have someone closeby. And I know you've been active in your church. It'll be nice to get away for the retreat. Gwen, I've read many of your posts in the last few months and can relate to so much of what you have written. When life pretty much revolves around one person and then that person is no longer here, it's like someone pulled the rug out from underneath you. Here I sit this morning with no clue of what I'm going to do today. I'll probably force myself to clean house because my son will be home for the week, and I want to get it done before he gets here. But if it wasn't for that, I'd have to push myself to do anything. I don't know how to get past that. I went a couple of months ago with a friend to a grief support group. It was very emotional for both of us. She lost her husband several months before I lost mine. I would have preferred individual counseling but that particular grief center only had a male counselor, and I really feel like I'd rather go to a female. Since then, I've found a female grief counselor and will be going there on Tuesday. I had already made plans with my friend to go to the monthly support group, which is on Wednesday, so will be going to that also. In one way, I feel like it won't do much good because it can't change the one thing we want it to. But I don't know what else to do. Mary

I'm so sorry, Kay. While we animals lovers care so deeply for our pets, every once in a while one comes along that is just a little more special. I know that for you that was Arlie. RIP sweet boy. You were so loved. Mary

Some days, it all just seems so unreal. Did it all really happen? It's like a never ending bad dream. I can't begin to look to the future because I feel like there is no future. I have family and friends, but it's not the same. We did everything together, so even going to the store is difficult. I have to push myself to do even that. Thankfully, my son is home every other week for a few days and that gets me moving, at least while he's here. On other days, I probably wouldn't move at all if I didn't have to take care of the dogs. I wonder, too, about staying in this house. I'll stay for now, but I don't know if I'll be able to maintain it in years to come. My son helps, but I don't want to put that burden totally on him. And like you, if I moved, I don't even know where I would go. I can't imagine moving away, but I understand about the memories involved with places nearby. There are several restaurants and places I just don't go anymore. Too many memories there and people who would ask about my husband, not knowing that he passed away. So, just better to avoid it all. Jackie, I hope at some point when you are settled in a new place that you are able to have a dog again. Even though I don't feel quite the closeness with my current dogs, mostly because they're more independent than my others, I do know that it would be unbearable here without them. I think for now, the biggest hurdle is just motivating myself to do anything. I do enough to keep things up, but not much more. There just seems to be no point in any of it anymore. Mary

You are both in my thoughts and prayers. Mary

Jackie, I can so relate to everything you are saying. I lost my husband in March, one month shy of our 46th wedding anniversary. I feel like my life has no purpose anymore. There is no direction in my life now. Just one day after another. You're so right that we take our lives for granted. Even the smallest things like planning what we're going to do for the day. Now, there is no one to do that with. I, too, have lost 4 of my dogs that I loved dearly. In 5 years, I lost them all and then lost my husband. We have had many dogs over the years and we loved them all, but these 4 were just extra special to us. I have 4 others now that I love, but again, those 4 I loved just a little more. They all died from heart disease, which is common in the breed and one also had lung cancer, which is what my husband died of. He also died on the day we had lost one of our dogs that we had for years before we adopted these 4. Some days, it's just so hard to try to understand why they were all taken away. Mary

Have you tried something cold - like yogurt? I remember even trying a plate instead of my dog's regular dish. For some reason, sometimes something new entices them to eat. Keeping you both in my prayers.

I'm glad you have your son to help. I'll be in a similar situation at some point with mine, and I'm grateful that I can count on my one son to be there with me since he's the only one that really knows my dogs, too. There is comfort in having a special spot for them nearby. Even though most of mine were cremated, i made a little area in memory of them in the yard with engraved stones for each of my girls. It's hard to plant flowers there because of tree roots, so I put a few baskets of flowers there every Spring. Wishing you peace thru the coming days.

Kay, Just wanted to mention about the cremation. The pet crematory we used does individual cremations. Our dogs ranged from 12 lbs to 52 lbs and the fee was $125 to $175. Maybe you could call and ask if that is something you're still thinking of doing. Sending prayers and good thoughts for both you and Arlie. It's so hard when you're trying to walk the line between two different issues. We can only do the best we can and know that whatever we do, it's out of love for our dogs. Mary

I'm so sorry for your loss. Four years old was way too young to lose your baby. I also lost one of my dogs on the way to the ER, so know how devastating that is. Have you spoken at all to your vet to see if he/she can give you an idea of what happened? Did they ever say what might have caused the seizures? I wish there was something I could say to ease your pain, but I know from my own experience that there are no words to do that. I hope at some point you are able to come to peace with all of it. RIP Riley.

Kay, I'm so sorry you are going thru this. I've been there and so know how hard it is. Will keep both you and Arlie in my thoughts and prayers. Mary

Kay, I'm so sorry to hear this news. I know how much Arlie means to you. You didn't mention what type of cancer he has, but it doesn't sound like he's showing symptoms. One of my dogs had lung cancer, and he lived for a year after diagnosis and had a good quality of life until the last month or so. There was no treatment available other than surgery, and he was not able to go thru that because of other health issues. No one should judge what you do or don't do for Arlie. Everything you decide to do will be because of your love for him. Keeping you both in my prayers. Mary

Kay, I hope you're doing better today. Sorry about the car. Sure was terrible timing. Hope you're able to relax and take care of yourself.

Kay, I was wondering about your surgery, too. Hope you're doing okay and that you get a good night's sleep tonight.

Kay, Will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Hope all goes well next week.

I hope you are both right about the flowers being a sign. It's just so odd that they would start to grow all over the backyard when the neighbor had planted them about 25 years ago and they never did that before. This year is the most ever - just big patches of them all over the grass. Kay, I remember you posting about the pansies growing under the patio. The one growing in the sidewalk is just amazing, especially because you were so anxious about your new car. Just too much of a coincidence. I love your story about how you and George met. What are the chances of that happening? It was definitely meant to be.

KacyC - Thank you for the thoughtful tips. The one that hits home the most is to take one day at a time. If I try to think beyond that, it is very depressing right now. BTW, I've read many of your posts and every time I do, I can't help but notice the love and joy in the picture of you and your husband. It is so obvious how happy you both were together. I'm so sorry for your loss. I, too, have had to go with smaller dogs because I'm starting to worry about even being able to handle one of my bigger dogs if, in an emergency, I would need to pick them up to put them in the car. I still have one dog that would be difficult for me to handle by myself. As for the lifespan, I have had a few dogs that lived beyond the life expectancy for their breed, even with serious long term illnesses. My one English Setter, Cody, lived to 15 1/2, even though he was dxd with diabetes at 9 yrs old. His breeding was probably not great either as he came from a puppy store (before I knew where they got their dogs) and actually came from MO, one of the puppy mill capitals of the US. Marty - thank you so much for your kind words. When I lost Allie, I truly felt like someone just reached in and ripped my heart out. She and I were so close. Having her here now would have been so comforting to me. I do like your idea of writing down my little nicknames for her and silly things she used to do. I guess I just don't want to feel the sadness though - which is why I think I just push thoughts of her down so I don't have to deal with them. Sunday, the 28th, is our wedding anniversary. So, it will be a difficult day. Ironically, 4 years ago on that date, we spent the day picking up Allie's body from the vet's office and taking her to a vet school for an autopsy, due to my concerns about her cause of death. It is all still so painful to think about. Just one other thing. Our Cavalier, Lucy, died in Feb. 2014. That Mother's Day, I was out in the yard thinking of Lucy and there, along our fence, was one little violet that had grown under the fence from our neighbor's yard. She had planted the flowers in her flower bed close to the fence about 20 years prior and this was the first time one had ever appeared in our yard. The day Allie died, the following year, I went out into the yard to walk around when we got home from the vet's. I was just beside myself. As I walked around in the yard, I looked down and noticed all of these tiny blue flowers growing in the yard that hadn't been there before. The day after Logan, another Cavalier, died in October, 2016, I found one little violet right in the middle of the yard. Violets usually bloom in the Spring, not in October. Now, a few days ago, I was out in the yard again, and I see that the violets have started growing all over my lawn, just sprouting up everywhere in the grass. I'd like to think they are a sign from those I miss so much.

Today is 4 years since I lost my heart dog, Allie. It seems like she's been gone forever. I came to this forum 5 years ago, after the sudden loss of one of my other Cavaliers, Lucy. Since then, I have lost all 4 of my Cavaliers and also recently, my husband. I haven't even been able to post about his loss. It's all just overwhelming to me. I do have other dogs that I love dearly, but they don't bring the joy those 4 Cavaliers did. Some days, since my husband passed away, they are more stress than anything - as much as I hate to admit that. My Cavaliers, especially Allie, were very intuned to us, as well as close to each other. My current dogs are more to themselves. I so wish Allie was here now to help me get thru the loss of my husband. She was such a joy to me - so loving and gentle. Even after 4 years, I can't think about her without feeling sad. I know others say they reach a point that they can look back and smile at the memories, but I don't think I will ever feel that way. She was relatively young (9 years old) when she died, and I feel like we were cheated out of time together. I know others have said they just appreciate the time together, but I guess I don't look at it that way. I do try though to not let the resentment control my life, but it is a struggle some days. I've read some other posts here about how Spring can be such a hard season when you've had a loss. I feel that way, too. As much as I hate winter, Spring has brought so many conflicting feelings. If I block everything else out, it's so nice to see the flowers and trees starting to bloom and the sun shining. But then, it seems like that shouldn't be happening because my little dogs aren't here running out in the yard or my husband out cutting the grass. It all seems so wrong. I would like to thank Marty for this wonderful forum. Even though I don't post often, I do come here almost daily. It is the one place where people truly understand.

Marty - thank you so much for all of the links. That is so helpful. I will definitely look into them. I'm very anxious to go to this support group. The woman who owns the pet store where the group meets has lost 3 of her own dogs in a short period of time, so allows this group to meet in her store after closing hours. Laura - I appreciate you sharing your experience with the loss of your dad as well as your Freya. So wonderful that she came back to you in your dreams. It is a comforting thought that our loved ones are together. It's interesting that your dad talked about his long lost pets at the end of his life. I'm sure you appreciate being able to spend those last ten years with him. Tomorrow will be two weeks since we lost Logan. I feel like he is just slipping away. Sometimes it's like he was never here. I felt that way with the loss of each of my dogs - like I have to try to remember them sometimes. Not always though. Sometimes, I look around expecting him to be here, especially in the mornings. It's like it hasn't sunk in yet that he is gone. I know that probably doesn't make sense, but that's how I feel. I hope you are able to spend many, many more years with Lena. Thank you both again. Mary

Fortunately, I've never had to go alone to pick up the ashes of any of my dogs. Either my husband has gone, we have gone together or twice now, my son has gone. I have to say that I can hardly look at the little box on the nightstand with Logan's name on it. Got a card from my vet's office, and it's sitting on my kitchen counter unopened. Just can't bring myself to look at it yet. I learned the other day that a pet store that is about 40 minutes away from us has a pet loss support group. It's held once a month, in the evening. I'm going to try to go next Thursday. I wish it was closer because once winter hits, it may not be easy to go. Other than my online friends, I don't really have many people that understand how I feel right now. So, it will be good to be around others that do understand. Mary

Maria, Maybe your vet could offer some insight as to what happened with Teddy. I have to admit though that I'm always left with more questions than answers when we have lost a dog, especially when it happens suddenly. I have a very difficult time coming to peace with it. I know that's not very encouraging, but maybe that's just me. I do know this - you and your husband are very caring, giving people who willingly take these dogs into your home and care for them for whatever time they have left. Not many people can or will do that. Without you, Teddy might have left this world never knowing what it feels like to be loved. You can tell from his pictures that he was a happy boy and knew he was loved. And you were there with him to the end, and he knew that as well. Sending good thoughts and strength for you! Mary

Maria, I'm so sorry for your loss. Teddy was a doll, and it's obvious in the pictures that he was a very happy little guy. You and your husband are doing a wonderful thing, caring for these senior dogs, especially those from puppy mills. I've found that losing dogs suddenly can be even more painful than having time to prepare yourself - as much as we can actually do that. First, there is the shock to get thru. It's like one minute they're here and the next they're gone. Very hard to accept. With other dogs we've lost, we've gone thru those painful times of trying to make "the" decision. They'd have a couple of good days and then a bad one. So, you'd start trying to prepare yourself. But then, they'd have many good days again, and you'd think it wasn't time yet. It's so stressful and always in the back of your mind that the day is coming. Somehow, when we don't go thru that, I think we feel like they will live forever - and then suddenly, they are gone. I've been thru congestive heart failure with 4 dogs. Sometimes it can be managed and sometimes not. It's possible that other things were going on with the heart. I know it's hard, but try to remember you gave Teddy 14 months of love and caring that he wouldn't have received otherwise. He was loved. That's what we have to concentrate on when we lose one of our dogs. Not easy, I know. Mary

I hope that you are right - that they are there waiting. Yesterday, my son went and picked up Logan's ashes. It's always so difficult to look at that little wooden box and remember that just a few days ago, my sweet little guy was standing in front of me, wagging his tail. Thank you again, Kay. Mary

Thank you, Kay. I appreciate your kind words. I know that you have certainly had your losses also and also know that you are one of the first to support others here. I guess anyone who adopts four dogs that they know will more than likely end up having heart disease shouldn't be surprised when they do. I have owned many dogs over the years and so, have lost many dogs. None of the losses were easy, of course. But I found I was able to more easily accept the losses of the dogs who had a long, good lives and were with us for most of it. That was not the case with my Cavaliers. Plus, they were such tender hearted dogs that there is even more of a sense of needing to protect them. I know that second guessing isn't a good thing, but in looking back, I feel like I let them down by making the wrong decisions at times. I know we can only do the best we can at the time, and I also know that every decision was made with their best interest at heart - but that doesn't necessarily mean it was the right decision. As for my faith, I believe that God is in control of how things turn out in our lives and our pets' lives - as we say "put them in God's hands". As I watched each one of my dogs die, each under different circumstances, I have to wonder why God would allow them to go thru what they did. I do believe He has the power to heal them or to protect them from even getting sick to begin with. I so want to believe we will see them again. I can't imagine not seeing them. Thank you again for your support. Mary

I found this wonderful forum 3 1/2 years ago after losing my Cavalier, Lucy. I never dreamed at that time that I would be coming back again the following year after the loss of my Cavalier, Allie. Then, six months later, Molly. Yesterday, we lost the last of the 4 Cavaliers we adopted within a 2 year period starting 7 years ago. He was our first Cavalier, and the reason we fell in love with the breed. We knew about the heart disease, which is pretty much a given with the breed, but never expected to lose all of our babies in such a short amount of time. In June of last year, Logan was not only diagnosed with congestive heart failure, but lung cancer also. We took him in to the vet because he had started coughing. I thought for sure he was going into CHF, and was so shocked to learn about the lung cancer. Soon after, he was diagnosed with the CHF. Surgery for the cancer was the only option, but due to his bad heart, it was out of the question. So, I found some supplements and got him on some heart meds, and he did okay for the following year. But then the cough started again. It seemed to be more the tumor rather than the heart, but it was really hard for the vets to tell exactly which was causing the bigger problem. Logan still did fairly well, but a few weeks ago, he started losing his appetite. He was still eating all of his meals, but not like with the enthusiasm he used to have. Even though I didn't want to, I asked the vet for some meds for his appetite and possible nausea, which I picked up Saturday. I wish now I had only given him half a dose, but I was so worried he would quit eating and we would end up in the ER over the weekend. As it turned out, that's where we ended up anyway. Logan ate really well, but then he started acting funny - like he was a bit dazed and also wobbly. I contacted a woman I know who used to be a vet tech and she said it is a possible side effect of the medication, although not a common one. Of course, I was upset with myself for giving him the medication. As the day went on, he just didn't seem to be right. The vet tech said it should work it's way out of his system but since it was only given once a day, it would take a while. I thought he was doing better so decided to sleep on the couch to keep an eye on him. About an hour after we went to bed, I heard him up walking again. He didn't seem right. So, off we went to the ER. This particular ER has terrible memories from trips there with the other dogs that we lost. The vets there are very young and seem to be very inexperienced - not exactly comforting when your dog is possibly in an emergency situation. After waiting for four hours, we finally saw the vet. She listened briefly to Logan's heart and lungs, seemed to dismiss any connection between the medication and Logan's symptoms, and said we need to leave him there overnight. I had already said I wasn't going to do that because I didn't want him to die there without us with him. She said if we didn't want to leave him then we should euthanize him, although she could give him a lasix injection and send him home with us. We were so exhausted from being there all of that time, that I just couldn't make a decision to euthanize him. He actually seemed to be doing better since he had slept several of the hours we were there. So, we had them give the injection. He walked to the back room on his own and back to us after the injection. When he walked in the room, he was wagging his tail, and I think anxious to go home. He seemed better on Sunday. I was in touch off and on all day with the ER where his cardiologist is located (about a 2 hr drive and not the same ER we had taken him to closer to our home). They were so helpful and caring and asked me to keep updating them about how he was doing. The resident said to increase his lasix, assuming it was the heart causing the problems, but to discontinue the other medications. I just wanted to get him thru until we could take him Monday morning to our vet, which we did. She ran an xray and found some fluid in the lungs, but it was hard to say if it was the fluid causing the problems or the tumor, which had grown. She contacted the cardiologist's office and together they came up with some options to try, if we decided to proceed. I had mixed emotions because I didn't want to put him thru anything if we were going to end up losing him. But on the other hand, if there was a chance we could get him back to a reasonably good quality of life, then I had to try. So, that's what we decided to do. They were only going to run bloodwork and give him some oxygen and then call the cardiologist back with the results to decide on the schedule for medication. While they were doing that, we ran down to the pharmacy to pick up one of the medications because it is a human med and my vet didn't carry it. We dropped it off and went next door to get a cup of coffee while they were waiting for the bloodwork results. While at the restaurant, they called my husband's cell and said Logan had taken a sudden turn for the worse. So, we literally ran out of the restaurant and into our vet's office and back to where Logan was. His heart quit beating less than a minute after we got there. I was just devastated. Of course since then, I have gone over and over things in my mind. Why didn't I take him to the vet Saturday morning like I was planning on doing, but decided instead to just pick up the meds because he was starting to get stressed riding in the car? Why didn't I contact the cardiologist for suggestions for the appetite stimulant rather than ask my regular vet? Maybe he would have prescribed another medication. Maybe the one medication had just pushed him over the edge. All the second guessing started. I know this is all normal, but maybe if things were done differently, the outcome would have been different. Maybe we could have gotten Logan back to a good point again. So, today is our first day without Logan. My husband seems to be handling it okay, but he was not as close to Logan was I was. I feel like I never totally accepting losing the other three, and now Logan is gone also. I have other dogs, but these 4 dogs were more special to me than any I have ever owned. I feel so bitter that they were all taken away from me. I would like to believe they are together and in a better place, but am starting to have my doubts about that. I question why God would allow any of them to suffer. They were the kindest, gentlest dogs you would ever meet. I feel bad that their deaths were not peaceful. I sometimes feel like I have just been going thru the motions of living since we lost the first three. Life is just not the same without them. Yes, there are good days, but even they can be overshadowed by thoughts of my girls, and now Logan, too. These losses just seem to affect me more as I've gotten older. Even reading forums like this one can be upsetting. You can start to take on everyone's pain because you know how it feels to lose one of our babies. There just don't seem to be answers sometimes. Sorry this has gotten to be so long. Thanks for listening. Mary

Monica, You only did what most of us have done - trusted your vet. I understand how you feel, believe me. I lost 3 of my precious girls within a year and a half's time and if I had to do it all over again, things would have been done differently. Their deaths were not related to vaccines, but there were mistakes made. Mary