steph.ny

I sent you a private message via this page and I hope you get it. I included my email address in the event you want to talk in depth since I have had negative euthanasia experiences. And believed I was being pushed into doing something because the vet didn't want to be bothered to save my girls lives. Sincerely, Stephanie

I was very touched by your post and sent you a couple of private messages using the "send me a message "button. I hope you get them. God bless you always. You can and will recover from this. Love, Stephanie

I am so very sorry for your loss. My heart truly goes out to you. Sincerely, Stephanie

Grandchildren are a blessing and certainly a positive, loving and constructive distraction from your pain and grief. But your love for your grandchildren alone is not enough to overcome clinical depression. You love them right now and have their love but are clinically depressed. So you can see that for yourself. What are you doing about the depression besides eating little meals? You said these little meals are going to "be the key" but those little meals are not going to clear up your deep depression either. I would urge you to attack that deep depression head on by seeing a mental health professional. Not because you are crazy but because you are grieving and grief can turn into depression whereby you have a mix of grief and depression. See a medical doctor too and ask them if medication is on the horizon in your quest to turn this depression around. The best to you. You can do it. Don't give up!

If he won't see a therapist, there is nothing stopping you from seeing one and getting professional ongoing supportive help regarding how best to proceed in this relationship.

Part of my losses include my parents dying within a day and a half of each other. I flew from NY to Florida to visit them both in the hospital. I had no idea what was about to happen was even a remote possibility. As I flew on the plane to FL I was relaxed and even enjoying myself. They were on the same floor in the hospital in rooms next to each other. 24 hours after getting there my father died. 36 hours later my mother died. I was staying in my mother's room with her and so I never left the unit and was present when all this happened. When I got back to NY I was so afraid to sleep in my bedroom. Seeing both of my parents dead in their hospital beds had so traumatized me, I could only let go of the extreme panic by sleeping on the living room floor. I eventually moved my bed into the living room. My bedroom and bed reminded me of their hospital rooms and dead bodies. One thing grief does is make us very vulnerable and hence I started to experience severe panic. I believed I was now going to die. Not from health problems per se but die based on the way I felt. My feelings told me I was dying or about to die. Traumatized and in shock for a long time I was in physically in the present but functioning in an other worldly mentality. I couldn't function, couldn't keep up with my hygiene and my emotions told me my life was now a horror movie. While in the midst of this and prior to this I lost two more family members. One 8 months before my parents and then one less than a year after. I am in counseling now 2x per week. I need it badly. I am recovering from trauma. Panic attacks are common where I feel I must go to the local mental health emergency room (I haven't yet because they don't offer anything other than you get to see a psychiatrist and I can't be bothered...so I think I still have some of my marbles) but I discovered hotlines and call them when I begin to panic. Fears of the future have taken hold and a delightful assortment of grief and trauma surviving behaviors. When Humpty Dumpty fell off the wall he had to be put back together again. He had gotten broken. Tremendous grief, trauma breaks us. And we have to be repaired. How that is done varies from person to person. However I do know for sure now what "breaking under the strain" means first hand. I have an aging cat with a chronic illness and started crying tonight that the stress of taking care of her and anticipating her death was too much for me to handle alone. And yet, alone I am. I don't have a significant other nor do I have the kind of close friends or relatives who can be a part of my journey with Emerald. I visited a neighbor tonight and opened up but that was short lived. While talking to her she got a text message on her cell phone and said "Oh, this is not good. I am sorry but I am going to have to call my daughter". And so she kind of gently rushed me out of the apartment and I came back to mine. I am glad I reached out but was struck by the irony of technology. She got a text message on her phone while I was opening up to her which resulted in me being cut off and told her text message was not good and she was going to have to proceed with that but she was sorry. I am glad I can see the humor in the way technology isn't always the best thing. Damn those text messages!

Since my deaths, I ask people in appropriate settings "Would you like a hug" or "Can I give you a hug". I haven't gotten to the point where I can say " I need a hug" but those asking them about hugs secretly is because I need to be touched. I hate it when the hug is something the person agrees to but you can feel the hug was given with no feeling behind it. Oh well, you can't have it all.

Your story reminded me very much of mine. Without going into details I will only say that in a year and a half I lost four immediate family members. Not "distant relatives". I have been out of my mind with grief and anxiety. Mary made some good suggestions about places and or people to turn to for help. I can say from my own experience that although her suggestions are excellent, we don't live in a perfect world and sometimes we may not have friends that are close enough to do things like give rides to your brother to the hospital. You would think that in a crisis so called "friends" would help, but trust me, human nature being what it is we often find out during a crisis that not everyone wants to help or get involved. It sounds great on paper to ask friends, ask the people at the church even if you don't go there (my experience with this has been people not wanting to help) and as far as neighbors, we live in a society where the old days of neighbors doing things like helping you build a house simply don't exist. People today see life as being an existence by which to live their own life and solve their own problems and by no means do they want to help. Sound cynical? I am only relaying my own experience. And I am just an average person. I do concede that there have been people who have gotten massive support from friends and neighbors and strangers at churches but in reality, these resources can't be relied upon. I am sure you have thought about all the things to help your brother and also your husband. Since you are juggling both of their care giving, you have to be on the ball. And so my guess is that you haven't left many stones unturned. Reality is sometimes we so have to do things alone. Am I suggesting that is a good thing and you just have to suck it up? No, I am being realistic. Supposing this is your situation, I would immediately find yourself a counselor who can be someone that can guide You and support You. I am sure if you had friends and neighbors to help, they would have surfaced by now. You shouldn't have to ask for help when in crisis. If you are close to people, they should offer help. And since none have, you have to start taking care of yourself. Start by hiring a professional to be a support for you during this crisis. A counselor. You don't need a psychologist, you need a social worker who is a clinical social worker and does supportive counseling. There are free support groups for families of cancer patients where you can unload your pain and stroke support groups as well. But with your plate being so full you may not even want to be bothered trying to locate them. So I therefore would suggest you find a social worker who is a clinical social worker and hire this person to help you during this crisis. Like you my life was one way and them boom! It drastically changed unbelievably. So much like you I had some very crude things said to me. Just like you when that doctor said, "if you think he'll be here next Christmas, you're fooling yourself. He has weeks, maybe months and will die by stroke, seizure or in bed in the middle of the night". Your stress level is very high right now as it should be, and your grief very real. That is why you need your Own advocate in the form of a counselor for you. Not "mental health" as in crazy counseling. But supportive counseling. You need someone in your corner and a place where you can unload this pain. I went to a PhD psychologist when my own crisis broke and she was not helpful at all. She had no clue on how to handle my grief. Sounds shocking, doesn't it? Finally I had to fire her. She simply had no clue how to deal with the grieving. Please, please hire a therapist for yourself. Make sure they understand anticipatory grief and grief in general and make sure early on. With the psychologist I just assumed she would. When my 4th family member died and I brought a pillow to the session because I was hysterical and needed it to cry into she said while my face was buried in the pillow hysterical, "You've been through this before". As if losing an immediate family member shouldn't be bothering me since I have been through this before. Unbelievable. I knew then that this PhD was absolutely not a grief counselor or trauma specialist. And I do believe that my last session with her. You can share more here. if you want to, that is an option. So are calling hotlines (just look up crisis hotlines online) and talk to a stranger. I have! By the way, because I took some of Mary's suggestions and gave my spin on them is not a reflection on Mary or her capabilities. It is a reflection of my own experience with her suggestions. And one person's experience does not mean Mary has not offered you some wise suggestions. Please keep us updated and know my heart breaks for you. My mother had a stroke...that was when all the crises started to happen at once.

My heart truly goes out to you. In many ways we share a similar story. Much loss in a short period of time. I can't say how sad I feel for you. However as stated, you and I are very much in a similar boat. Hugs and lots of love coming your way. I am seeing a counselor to help me with my feelings but that does not mean I don't hurt in between sessions or even during the sessions with her. I send my love and concern for your broken heart. Peace and love to you always and forever. Please have hope that you have what it takes to come to a point of acceptance in due time. I am so very sorry for your losses, including that of your mother. With love, Stephanie

My beloved companion of 16 years was going downhill fast. I had adopted her as a puppy and we were constant companions. She was always with me, even in the car. I thanked her for spending her life waiting in the car for me because everywhere I went, she was with me. But she couldn't come in most the places. (The library, the grocery store.) On the evening before she died, I took her outside to go to the bathroom. It was late. Things did not go as I had planned. I brought her back inside and she layed down in the living room. I was shocked at what had happened outside (she sat on the back porch and while sitting pooped) and I determined this was the last time I was going to let my girl suffer an indignity. She was having a laundry list of things go wrong. And I said to myself "I am taking her to the veterinarian tomorrow. If she isn't better by then, I am having her euthanized". Her decline had been going on for several weeks badly but had started several months before. I did take her to the veterinarian. She was so sick she had to be carried into the veterinarian's office by an assistant. Once in the room, she collapsed on the floor. The veterinarian did an examination with her hands and said my dog was very dehydrated and needed to be hospitalized. I asked her if the fluids she was planning on giving her all that was wrong. She said "No!" and said it rather forcefully. She said she had felt something in my dog's abdomen and believed my dog would need surgery. At 16 years of age I was not going to put her through that. I became hyserical and blurted, yes blurted out, "I think we should euthanize her". The veterinarian turned her head very quickly to look at me and said 'I think so too". The veterinarian went on to say "When do you want to do it?" and said something I couldn't make out but it sounded like "Do you want to take her home". She went on to say some other things but at this point I was not truly listening because this was an unplanned euthanasia and I was hysterical. She may or may not have been offering me time to say goodbye to my dog or be alone with her. But honestly, I did not hear that. I repeat, I did not hear that. I blurted out again in hysteria, "No! I want to do it now. This second". This was in response to what I swear I heard her say "Do you want to take he home". The veterinarian ordered one of the technicians in the room to go get the euthanasia kit. She ran out and came back with it and they got right on it and immediately euthanized my dog. Immediately. As I had indicated, "No, do it now. This second". That was 6 months ago. Today when I look back I am furious with myself for a few things. I am furious that the night before when I had said to myself "I am taking her to the vet tomorrow and if she isn't better I am euthanizing her" that I didn't go over to her and spend time with her and show love and talk to her. Instead I just went to bed. While at the veterinarian's office the next day, I am angry that I didn't carry her into the place, that I let someone else do it. And I am really upset with myself that while I was sitting on the floor next to her I didn't have my hand on her while she was being euthanized, that I didn't talk to her, look her in the eyes. Heck, I could have layed on the floor and had my arms around her holding her. The truth is I was in an altered mental state and felt like I was in a dream. I couldn't think straight. This is a dog who was my best girl. I am not married and she was my signifcan't other. I honored and cherished her. To think at the literal very end I didn't even touch her or show her love flabbergasts me. I am in a state of total panic that I may have made her feel "Mom is killing me" because I was not showing her love. I was rushing them to "Do it now, this second". I was rushing them because I was being her advocate. I was not willing for my girl to be in one more second of distress. However in the process I forgot the love. I was like a General during war giving instructions to the troops. I was in charge of what was happening and I wanted it to happen "now". I had her best interest in my heart. However I realize now I could have kissed her goodbye, could have touched her, could have held her. Things were not as urgent as I made them out to be. The veterinarian said if I hadn't euthanized her she likely would have died within a few days. (That was after the fact and several months later that she said that.) So now I know there was time to show her love. But I was too busy trying to make sure my girl was put out of her misery. Did I ruin her life by not showing her love at the euthanasia or the night before? I will say that after she was euthanized, I kissed her 1000 (thousand) times and told her I loved her as many. I kept track on a pice of paper how many times I was saying it. I would say it and try to keep count and then write it on a sheet of paper. I has asked the technician to get paper. At first she was keeping the log with me but left the room after we got up to me doing this about 300 times and handed me the paper and pencil. I did make it to 1000 however. I wanted her to have enough love with her to take with her so wherever she went she would have courage and confidence during the transition that Mommy had told her and kissed her 1000 times "I love you".

I am a big advocate of one on one grief counseling where we really can't on our own come to terms with a loss. If you can, please try to find a counselor who can tell you with certainty that they have experience with people who have been traumatized and can compassionately understand that your trumatic event involves a pet. If they have no experience, you must find someone who does. One on one talking about these things can be very helpful. You said you may as well not be here. You SHOULD be here. Please get help if you can.There is nothing wrong with you. Just that your pain is more than you can handle. Sent with love and caring. I am very sorry for your loss.

You did good by Dash even though things did not end the way we all like them to. Please don't take personal responsibilty for the things that happened that hurt you or Dash. Life did those things, not you. Peace and love to you.

My heart truly goes out to you. I care about how you feel and am very sorry you had to suffer so much. If you can find a counselor who can help you with the grief you carry, you will be one lucky lady. Make sure you make very clear to them that part of your grief is pet loss and you need to confirm with them early on that you need someone who can understand and help you with those losses and not just human losses.

I went through something almost idential. I can't believe your story. I hesitate to tell my story because it is very sad. But suffice to say I was feeding a stray and fell in love with him. I already had 2 cats and could not take this cat in. I called a woman who said she rescued cats. She also said she worked at a veterinarian office and if this cat needed any vet care, she would take care of all of it and it wouldn't cost me a penny. She came and we used a humane trap and trapped the cat. To make a long story short, the next day I called the vet's office where she worked to find out how the cat was. I was horrified when she said "We euthanized the cat". I was hysterical, in a panic and furiousu with her. She had never called me to discuss the matter. She said the cat had no teeth and bad kidneys. I was so angry and fearful it was unbelieveable. She had promised me "no matter what is wrong with this cat, I can get free veterinary care". It took me a very long time to overcome my grief and anger. I went to the vet hospital, asked to see the dead body and held the cat and kissed his bad eye. He had an eye that was messed up. And then I gave him back. I asked for a private cremation and this same woman promised me it would happen. Instead I got ashes back from some group cremation. I still have the ashes. And have thought to myself what I am keeping them for. He was a skinny cat who was clearly sick which is why I trusted this woman to take him since she mentioned the vet office she worked at. I could see he did not feel well. He was very sickly looking. And I felt sorry for him big time. I would rush home to feed one. One time I put out kibble instead of wet food and he didn't eat it. If he didn't have teeth which she wound up telling me he didn't, that would explain it. I felt bad after I heard that since I was going to start putting kittble out all the time. But I wouldn't have if he wasn't eating it. I understand where you are coming from. I was in a high state of panic upon hearing of his death. The woman claims I said to her "Do what ever you want with him. He is yours now". If I did say that, I meant it as do whatever you want with him in terms of getting him healthy. I would have taken him back if she had called me and told me about his teeth and kidneys. I had another place that knew I had a sick cat that was interested in helping. But if he was really sick maybe they would not have been able to work with him. I wish so much I had reported the veterinarian who euthanized him to the licensing board of the state. Thank you for sharing your story. I feel your pain.

It is fine the way you "ended" things. You say you saw Billie's eyes for the last time being carried away and you not there. But ask yourself. Were you "yourself" at that moment? No! You wer in a panic and grief stricken. From that position you were making your decisions. Even regardingi the ashes. When we are in a panic and grief stricken we are not "ourselves". Ask yourself if you were expected to be acting 'normal' under these circumstances. Acting as if it was just another day, another event. No big deal. Of course you were not expected to act like it was any other day, any other event. To some extent you didn't know what you were doing. And that is the truth. You did not make any cruel decisions about Billie. Billie was not alone. Bille was with the vet. Billie was in the room over. You were close by. There are people who are so overcome with grief and fear that they drop their pets off and run out the door. They are terrified and can't even be in the building when the euthanasia takes place. That is not the case with you. You were present. You handed Billiei to the vet. You were there. As for all the items missing that belonged to Billie, you have every right to miss those items. If you get our feedback I am sure we would all love to hear how you are doing. Peace and love to you. My heart truly goes out to you. Sent with love.