heidi1

Chris, There was an article in a national newspaper here yesterday, where a husband and wife died within 2 hours of each other, they were cremated in a double coffin, they were both 64, he died of MS, and she died of a chest infection brought on by worry over her husband. As is often the case, the readers comments are as interesting as the article, many say they want to go around the same time as their partner, one says that having seen the sadness her widowed mother carried around with her for 10 years, until her recent death, she wouldn't wish it on anybody, another says that the grief and pain and loneliness of his widowed father is so hard to see, in spite of all the company and help he could wish for. The paper is the Daily Mail and the article was headed with something about the double coffin if you wanted to read it, the comments are below the article. I just thought it would help to validate your feelings Chris, because your feelings ARE valid, grief is so isolating, no one can really help us except by knowing that others feel as we do. A complete escape from this haunting reality you say, I say Amen to that, if you find it, please let me know. Heidi.

Jan, you and Pete sound like me and Robert, he was only 16 when i met him, and I was 18, (he was my toyboy), we too came from similar backgrounds, I am one of two sisters, he was one of two brothers. We shaped and formed our adult personalities together with each other in mind, we were just kids when we met, but we had some wonderful times together. I keep torturing myself with thoughts of how he must have suffered over the last few years and more recently of course, and I'm so afraid of the future. I don't want to have life that he doesn't have, he really didn't deserve what happened to him. I know I keep saying the same things over and over, but I really don't want to continue living without him, nothing means anything anymore. You are so right, no one can understand unless they have suffered it too, and you can see in their eyes when they do understand. Heidi.

Chris, I understand what you are saying about the person you were having died too, I feel just the same, I too long for the person I was, but I can't be that person without Robert, my soul is bound up with his, when the bible says we become one flesh, that is just how it was with me and Robert. So a large part of me has died with him, I can't ever be the person I was again, I feel like shadows of bits of me. And I understand your reluctance to leave your home for the trip to Mass., is it a long way? I know you don't view distances the same in the U.S. as we do in the UK. heidi

Congratulations Chris.

Chris, It's just occurred to me that he might think antidepressants would be a better answer. Heidi.

Chris, Robert used to have Temazepm 10mgs, two of those worked well for him,( he only took them occasionally so he built up a war chest of them) I also took his Temazepam every night for over a year when he had a serious illness 3 years ago, the doctor was reluctant to give me any of my own, sometimes I would need two to make me sleep, but they worked well for me and Robert, we had no side effects, and I found it easy to come off them when I felt ready. They do belong to the same group of drugs as Valium (benzodiazepines) and are said to be addictive, but I can only speak from our experience. All drugs have potential to do harm, and people react differently, but I can certainly understand your need for sleep, when Robert was so ill almost 3 years ago my only respite was in the oblivion that the sleeping tablets gave me, I couldn't have carried on without them, they were a lifeline to me. When I used to work nights at the hospital I sometimes had Nitrazepam (again, same group of drugs) to help me get enough sleep in the day, but I would feel a hangover effect from them, for me Temazepam is better, I still have some of Roberts' left, and don't hesitate to take one if I have a difficult day ahead (funeral, taking camper). Doctors are cagey about giving sleeping tablets, I hope you get what you need Chris. Heidi.

Kay, that's wonderful, such a horrible, frightening disease. It's a testament to human nature that he is so well looked after, I think that's one of the diseases that some people in the UK are wanting voluntary euthanasia for, and you can understand it. When Robert was in the hospital I was humbled by the kindness of strangers, a little OT assistant brought me a cup of tea at 7.30 most mornings, the1st time she did it I burst into tears, because no one had offered me anything from 7am to 11.30pm. Fae, you are so right, our attitude is crucial to every situation we face, we are all different. I wish I didn't get so easily cast down, I've taken my blood pressure today and it's good, so probably no heart attack for me, that makes me feel desperate instead of pleased, I'd kind of pinned my hopes on a big fat heart attack. Chris is probably smiling at my 'quaint phraseology', but I mean it, I'm a stinking coward, and a heart attack in my sleep will do me just fine, a quality death, like my dad had. I really admire ones on here who are making the best of what they have, post encouragement, and try to help ones like myself who are so early on and so deep in grief and despair. I dreamed once, years ago, that Robert had died, and I was standing on the edge of a cliff looking out at my future, and there was nothing, it was just black. It must have been a prophetic dream because that's just how it is. Heidi.

I really didn't want to sell the camper, but, it is almost new and worth a lot of money, money that I need to pay debts, also I will never use it, I will never go away in it alone, and it makes no sense sitting there losing money. It's too big for me to get out of the drive alone at 8 metres long. Anyway, It's done. I have taken it to be sold, they think they will sell it quite quickly. It's been a truly terrible day, all the memories, layer upon layer of pain and loss, the end of an era. I kept it together pretty well at the motorhome place, and most of the way home with my daughter because I don't like to upset her, and there's nothing anybody can do to help me, but I feel so bad. I'm frightened of my feelings, frightened of the future, so frightened of being without Robert, frightened of not being able to remember everything about him. I used to be afraid of dying, now I'm afraid of living. Heidi.

You are all so right, this is one of the very hardest things I have had to do, all the memories, tremendously painful. it's done. It's taken me all day, but it's finally done. No I don't have anyone travelling with me, but my daughter will follow to bring me back. May God allow me to die in my sleep tonight so I don't have to do it, or an accident on the way to the cemetery, anything, anything to be allowed to go to Robert today, I feel so terrible. Heidi.

Chris and Kay, German is a very expressive language, as you may know since lots of people in the U.S. have German ancestry. I suppose the literal translation would be, Was man tief in seinem Herzen besitzt What one deep in his heart possesses, kann man night durch den Tod verlieren can one not through (the) death lose It is a verse seen on 'sympathy' cards in Germany. Today I must complete the clear out of our camper van, and tomorrow take it 200 miles (I know in the U.S. 200 miles is practically next door, but here in the UK it is quite a long way) to be sold, the task is harrowing, so filled with pain and memories, another bit of our lives together gone, but I will never go away in it again, and I need the money. I think of the song that begins 'what a difference a day makes, 24 hours' after my mum died I used to think whenever I heard that, 'yesterday I had a mum, today, 24 hours later, I don't', how your life can change in an instant, and nothing is ever the same again. My life is over. All I want is to be with Robert again. Today. Heidi.

Chris, I posted on another thread about a dear relative in Germany who lost her husband of 50 years, 7 years ago. I vividly remember how she was when she visited us 3 months after Heinz died, she was so utterly lost, so sad and silent like me. I kept it in my heart how she grieved, when she came the next year she was the same, 4 years later she still burst into tears at the mention of him. Now it is my turn, and I knew she would understand how I feel. She said the 1st thing that gave her any comfort are these words on a card sent to her. Was man tief in seinem Herzen besitzt, kann man nicht durch den Tod verlieren. Goethe. It means, what one holds deep in his heart, cannot be lost by death. Heidi.

Chris, I would never have eaten those prawns 6 months ago, they were old, having been in the freezer ages, and 6 months ago I couldn't afford to get ill as I had to look after Robert, but it doesn't seem to matter now. Nothing really matters now. Heidi.

Jan, A dear relative in Germany lost her husband 7 years ago, I vividly remember how she was when she visited 3months after Heinz died, she was so utterly lost, so quiet, so……, I can't verbalise it, but I kept it in my heart how she grieved, the next year she came and she was the same, even years later when I asked how many years it had been, she burst into tears and said 4 years. Now it is my turn, and I knew straight away that she would be one person who understood, as at the time I didn't know any one else who had been so obviously affected. She said the1st thing that gave her any comfort are these words. Was man tief in seinem Herzen besitzt, kann man nicht durch den Tod verlieren. Goethe It means, what one holds deep in his heart, cannot be lost by death. Heidi.

Chris, Believe me, even when you have family with you, although as you say it can be a welcome distraction, it can also be a trial, to keep a face on things, when all you want to do is cry and talk to your loved one. And even when you're with others, you are still lonely for the one special person who made your life worthwhile. Maybe I'm just a weak individual, or maybe it's because we were so young when we got together, but I do know I don't want to live on without him, he is in the best place, and I long to go to him. My only solace is in hoping this might be my last day, an accident, a heart attack (some dodgy prawns I've just eaten), something, to end the pointless misery of the lonely frightening world I now inhabit. It was all worthwhile when Robert was alive, things had meaning, even a cold wet Saturday like today, I would have read a story to him, he loved me reading to him as his eyesight was affected by the stroke, and I loved reading to him. We could have gone out, although it was difficult . With him by my side all the frustrations and disappointments of life were of little moment, we were a team, together we could, and did face the world. And I am an ungrateful wretch. I have been blessed with so much, I have children who love me, grandchildren too. I have a lovely home in a beautiful part of England, many material things. I appear to be in good health (although who knows). I had a long and happy marriage. Yet my soul is brought down to the depths of despair. Anyone who has ever disliked me or wished me ill, has their revenge now. May God have mercy upon me. Heidi.

Chris, I hear your words, and can echo your sentiments, when I wrote of the mother of my daughters' friend dying last Saturday, a couple of months after her husband had died, I thought how fortunate she was not to have to carry on without him. That's what I want too. Another friend of ours who died suddenly a month ago had said to his wife of over 50 years that if she died he would be five minutes behind her, in the event it was he who died, but I want to be right behind Robert too. I don't think I can add much to what you say, you put it so eloquently, just to say again that your words and sentiments find an echo in my heart, I have no desire at all to continue a life without Robert, a life without meaning. Heidi.

Thanks Fae, I do make a list and try to do at least one thing from it each day, although today I haven't been able to do anything because of trouble with my PC, i pressed a wrong button and lost all my inbox emails, normally I have trouble getting rid of deleted emails, but this time they seem to have gone. 43 years is all of my adult life, so every memory I have is bound up with Robert, and I can't talk to my children, oldest son says he can't listen to me when i try to say, daughter says it makes her feel worthless, son says his sister needs me, which makes me feel worthless to him, and younger girls' eyes just fill with tears. I am serious about wanting to go, and am a little cheered by your saying maybe my prayers will be answered, I do really feel that Robert did not want me to live on after him, because he used to say maybe he needed to hear that when I said I couldn't bear it if he died and if he went I would too, we had such a close relationship, I could tell him anything. I know what I said to him about if I should die first, I said I wanted him to be there for the children, I didn't want him to remarry, but if he was really unhappy alone, then, while i wouldn't like it, i wouldn't want him to be really unhappy. But Robert had serious health problems for many years so it didn't seem likely that I would die first. All I know is that I was right, I can't bear it, and he has gone and I want to go too. As for being precious, Roberts' life was precious to me, mine is a painful burden. Here in England it will soon be midnight, so I will go to bed and hope my prayers will be answered tonight. Heidi.

Chris, A systolic (top figure) blood pressure in the low 100's is not generally considered to be a problem as long as you aren't feeling faint or having dizzy spells, a diastolic (bottom figure) in the low 60's is fine. As long as you feel ok. High blood pressure is the silent killer, because you don't feel ill. What about your pulse? Too high or too low of anything is bad, it used to be thought that a very low resting pulse was a sign of being very fit, new thoughts are that it may indicate a problem with the sino atrial node, the hearts natural pacemaker. Fae, I too have things I absolutely have to deal with, I think you also Kay were in the same position of having things that couldn't wait. I would love to draw the duvet over my head and let everything go, but it's not an option, or else i won't have a duvet to cower under, I have to deal with these things even though i sincerely hope and pray I won't be here tomorrow. Today I have received a voice recording of Robert agreeing a deal for electricity back in November last year, it is the last recording of his voice, when I play it, his voice will fill the room again, I don't need to say how that will be. On Monday I learned with shock of the sudden death of someone i met a few weeks ago at the memorial service for an old friend. She too had lost her husband around the same time I lost Robert. From Costa Rica she was here for 6 months to visit her daughter who is married to an Englishman. She was only young, 53, full of life, went into hospital with pneumonia, had a heart attack and died, was it really a broken heart that had left her vulnerable? There's hope for me yet. Today is a really bad day, I feel worse now as I have played the CDrom and heard Robert talking, after all those years together, all my memories of everything are bound up with him, I don't want any more life, I don't want to survive this, I want to die to be released from this miserable existence, may God grant me this request.

Chris, I know that feeling, I am so disappointed every morning when I wake (increasingly early). I remember the song that Harry Nilsson sang, 'can't live, if living is without you', and I can't live without Robert because in the 8 weeks and almost 5 days since Robert fell asleep, I am not living, this cannot be called life, a painful existence, a remainder of life sentence to a living nightmare, with no hope of parole. I pray not to wake every night, and when I do wake, i pray to go back to sleep and not wake. So Chris, you are not alone, I wish I didn't understand. You probably should see your doctor about the tight, painful chest, possible chest infection, angina etc. But the smart money is on grief and stress, a time machine, that's what we need. May God grant us rest. Heidi.

Well done Chris, My dad left a very simple and fair will, he left 5%of his estate to each of his 5 grandchildren, the remaining 75% to be divided equally between my sister and myself. He stated that he wanted to be cremated, and the funeral costs to be taken out of his estate. I am at present making my own will, a do it yourself one from Amazon, I have asked the executors (my children), and I have asked the witnesses, all that remains is for me to be sure of the wording. I too hope and pray that it will be needed very soon. I'm sure your children will think kindly of you Chris, Robert always said that I would see real injustice when my dad died, because my sister had been the favourite, and consequently her children favourite grandchildren, so it was really heartwarming that in his final wishes he made no distinction between us. Heidi.

Fae, I want to say right away, I never meant for a moment that you might be making it up, it was a plea from the heart for affirmation that someone else felt as badly as I do now. I too have thought about how to do it, to be kindest to my children, I know there is no kind way. Thank you for sharing the thoughts and inclinations of your heart, this site is a lifeline for me. Mary, I know you are right when you say we don't really accept death, I don't think I have really felt or understood the height and depth and breadth of my loss yet, and that scares me, if I feel this bad now, the pain of full realisation will surely kill me. I hope. I do understand what you are telling me, I have no choice but to go on, there is always more behind our individual stories as Fae has said, other factors in our lives that influence how we react to our loss, and I am no different, a catalogue of events befell me and Robert before his death, cruel and unusual, that no doubt affect my feelings now, increasing my hopelessness and despair. Bless you Brittney, you are young to have lost your dad, he sounds like a great dad as well, I often ask myself what would my dad have said to something/someone, and I know too what he would have said. Your sweet and kind nature shines through your post. Jan, Do what is best for you, think of what Pete would say to you. Chris, I let my sons deal with the 'friend' of Robert, they quite pointedly asked him when he was going home, as it was a long way. He hinted at staying here for the night, no offer was forthcoming. I want to say in conclusion, that I never mean to offend anyone, not on this site, or in life at all really. There is never any double meaning in anything i say, maybe I just don't articulate very well, so if I have offended anyone, my sincere apologies. Heidi.

Jan, Mary is so right, you don't have to do anything, just explain as best you can. I had an unsettling experience at Roberts' funeral, a friend of his came a long way to be there. Family said he was staring at me the whole time, and later at home I invited anyone to come back as I know Robert would have wanted it. My son asked if I could find a document in the bedroom, and as soon as I was in there alone this 'friend' was there grabbing me to hug me. I didn't want to be unkind, and Robert would not have wanted me to be unkind, but it made me very uncomfortable, since then I have found the best way when he phones, is to tell him how devastated I am over the loss of Robert, how I don't want to go on living without him. It's only a suggestion, but if this friend is aware that you are still devoted to your Pete, it may help him understand the situation better. It might not be as bad as you fear Jan. Heidi.

Fae, Did you really want to end your life to end the pain? That's how i feel, I don't want to go on living without Robert, he is my world, I used to say to him in the hospital, 'my whole world lying in this hospital bed' I can't understand how or why I'm still alive, i'm just marking time until I go to him. Kay, you're right, people don't want to hear us lamenting and saying the same things, over and over. Thank you Chris for your kindness and compassion in sharing this blog and hoping to help me, as I said before, your outpourings of grief for your Paula find an echo in my heart for my Robert. Heidi.

Enna/Ann, I came on here so early on because my son sent me an email directing me here, he was so concerned about me that he 'googled' how I said I felt, it all seemed so extreme to him, and he was genuinely concerned for my life. I only knew how i felt, I had no idea anyone else felt the same as me, and neither had he. 'I need your help' caught my attention, and when I read Chris's story, it echoed what I feel. I am truly grateful to you and all those on here who have offered words of wisdom and healing, it is so reassuring to know I'm not especially crazy. Or maybe I am. Heidi.

Mary, I just wanted to say that I am not to be congratulated on anything, as my children will readily testify to, they see the sad, silent creature I've become. What prompted me to send out some thank you cards was that I put a death notice in the regional paper where Robert was well known as we are originally from the north of england. To my surprise I had a card sent to the funeral director for me from an old friend I haven't seen for years, we did our nurse training together. I was so surprised and touched that she had gone to the trouble I was moved to send a card, and so I thought to send others, not to everyone though, as Jan says, it entails writing something personal, and too much of that is beyond me now. Jan, I can definitely understand it when you say you feel so alone even though you're surrounded by family, I feel the same, even though Robert couldn't take much part in family for a while before, he was there, he existed, it was enough. I know this is a difficult time of year for you, my heart goes out to you. Chris, I'm so glad you had some support, and had a nice time in the end, honouring your Paula. I feel no better, and worse in some ways, every day brings a fresh pain, it is 7 weeks today/last night, and my only thought is to be with Robert as soon as I can, I must have confidence that God will see my pain and anguish, and not allow me to suffer too long, I have no future, and don't want another second without Robert, I have to keep reminding myself that each day could be my last or it would be too much to bear. Heidi.

Chris, I agree with Kay, far from being inarticulate, I think she put it rather well, losing a parent is not like losing a spouse, your parents are not usually your everyday life when you're an adult, your partner is, and as she says, it is considered the normal way of life to lose your parents at some point. I'm so glad you have some support in the end, and quite a few of you, a good showing for your Paula. I too have written letters of thanks to many of the people who came to Roberts' funeral, just to show my appreciation, also to the funeral director who was unfailingly kind, and the minister who took the service and attended at the graveside. I hope it goes well Chris, I won't say enjoy yourself because it's not that kind of event. Heidi.