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Brooke

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    Alberta, Canada

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  1. Lord Jenn do I know what you mean!! All my friends are married too with families so they have there own things going on, I found the need to go back to work part time just to get to talk to people. I tried the dating thing on line (E-Harmony) it was working well for me, but any guy I meet seems to head for the hills as soon as they hear how I am a widow with an 11 month old son, I guess they think I'm looking for a father for Tanner, and they have it all wrong, he has a father, he's just not here with us! But know that I really know how short life is I can be picky and not settle for anything less then I deserve. I wish I had some helpful advise for you, but I'm just as lost and in need of some kind of companion!! The best of luck to you all out there in the same or similar situation! Brooke
  2. Chrissy you are NOT pathetic!!!!! YOu are amazing just as so many people on this site are. We all have our strengths and weaknesses, and I know all to well the challenges and the strength required to grieve and raise an infant or child of any age alone. I know what you mean about the shoveling thing, the other day I couldn't get the hood of my truck open so I could add washer fluid, I called a couple people to ask for help or advice and they laughed it off, needless to say I had a good cry and kicked the tires a few times, my roomate said he would do it, but he never did, but I went back at it this morning and low and behold it opened!!! It's crazy how little things like that now seem like such an accomplishment just because I did it by myself. (I could do it before in my car, but since I don't have it anymore I am driving Trevor truck, and have never done it before) WEll if I can say one thing that I have learned it's find strength in the little things and happiness in your little boys smiles. Take care. Brooke
  3. I feel the pain in your words, and I am sorry that you are having a rough time right now, I was surprised at how hard Valentines day actually was, I know I was a wreck. I know about the dreams you are talking about I have had them too, and they seem so real!!, I've had them where I have been going on a trip or something but I know that Trevor is somewhere around so I stopped the trip to go and look for him, sometimes I would find him and it was like he didn't care I was there. I'm not sure how to explain it, but they sure don't leave you with a warm feeling in the morning, really sets your day off to a rough start. Have your tried writing some of your thoughts down in a journal? I have done that sometimes, and it seems to help, it helps me release any tension or anxiety and I don't have to worry about sounding foolish to anyone, because it is only for me to read, some might say it might even help to write a letter to your loved one, helps to let out your emotions, and I think we all know here now that it is alright to cry. I hope your nights and dreams get better. Take Care. Brooke
  4. My prayers are with you Derek that you will continue with the strength that you have, and continue moving forward and things will keep looking up for you. Brooke
  5. Yes I have to say Canada does take care of its own, I know it didn't take too long for Tanner and I. In the U.S do they pay your children orphans benifits?? is there such thing there?, because Canadian children who apply can collect $200.00/month until they are 18 years old, so that helps, any little bit helps when you are running ona single income. Also I was wondering Jenn, is there anyway that the community could come together and pool some money for you and your son, to help you guys out?? I know quite a few times they have done stuff lkike that around here for widows/ers, medical bills they call it a benifit something people attend a get together in the name of the purpose, and money is collected for the family. I thought maybe if this was the town your husband grew up in and you are close with everyone it might be worth a shot. Good Luck and Take care. Brooke
  6. Hi There, I was spending a weekend at one of my best friends house with her family this weekend, this family has been like an extended family to me, as my family lives 13 hours away, I have no family where I am. When on Saturday she started making some comments which really cut me like a knife, I'm not sure what her intentions really were at the time, it seemed like she was just having some issues in her life, and was trying to make me feel horrible. It all started with me overhearing her telling her oldest son "Auntie Brooke CAN'T cook honey", now the truth is I can cook, I did all the time when my fiance was still here, I just choose not too, I'm sure many of you know the "joys" of cooking for one!!! Especially being a single parent there is not enough hours in the day at the best of times. Then she started in on me on the cleanliness of my house, I'm sorry but my house is NOT a pig sty by any means, the laundry may not always be caught up, but somedays I would rather play on the floor with my son, that laundry will be there later, she asked her brother right in front of me (who had come by my house with me so I could feed my cats), "so be honest with me really how clean WAS her house?? He just looked at her puzzled, and I felt humiliated. Now I know I am going off on a rant here, but she being one of my closest friends really hurt me with her comments, I lost Trevor 7 months ago, and I am still trying to pick up the pieces, raise a son alone, I hardly have help from anyone else in these processes, and now she has really made me doubt my progress, in my grieving, in raising my child, in being a single parent and trying to get in all done. Making me think "have I been delusional in this healing process?" I'm just so angry I don't even know what I am talking about anymore. Have any of you guys been through some kind of similar experience?? Thank you all for taking the time to listen to me vent.......
  7. Hi Chrissy I'm almost at the 5 month mark here too, I know what you mean when you say you can't believe it's been 5 months, I can't believe I've been without Trevor and raising our son alone for 5 months already. I couldn't imagine going back to work right now, I'm thankful I have a year off for maternity leave, I know you will get back into the swing of things though, it always takes awhile even in better situations, it's bound to be a harder for you because of the roller coaster your life and emotions have taken. Hang in there the days/nights will start getting easier. (That's what I tell myself when some days are harder then others) Hugs, Take care!! Brooke
  8. Hi Chrissy I know exactally what you are saying, it's like I was explaining in my post "Four months" it's crazy how we think we are fine and healing as well as to be expected, and then one morning WHAM it hits like a ton of bricks that they are never coming home, I am hoping this is the worst part of all of this after we can get through this part then we can start to move on and process our new lives we are all left with to make the best of. I find it really hard too being a single mother throughout this when our babies lost their fathers so early, and then trying to comprehend starting a new life and a future with someone else one day. All I can say is my thoughts are with you at this time, and if you ever need to talk I really do know what your going through especially with a new baby and all. Take care, Brooke
  9. Hello everyone, I am at the four month part of my grief. I have heard that 3-4 months can be the hardest and I am finding that to be true. I have never felt soo alone as I have these past couple weeks. I think I realized what the main thing is besides losing Trevor that is making me so sad, I miss being part of something!! Weekends are horrible now, because it seems at this point people start forgetting about you and thinking things should be better for you now. I find during the week all my friends are working, and on most weekends it's family time for them or time with their spouses I miss that. I wanted nothing more this last Friday then to curl up on the couch with Trevor beside me. I haven't written or commented in awhile because my mind is in such a haze right now sorting through all the events of the past months that I am finding it hard to express myself. I am just feeling so alone, and I miss the comfort of having someone next to me, someone to hug, someone to just lay with.
  10. I have to agree completely for myself I am coming up on 4 months, this past month by far has been the worst for me. I thought I was doing good but I guess it is true that maybe I was still just numb. It's good to be able to come on here and write down some feelings to help you through this long and painful process called grief. My prayers are with you. Brooke
  11. Wishing I wish I could see the dog, Wagging her tail so quickly because that would mean you came home. I wish you were here, to hear your son laughing because that would mean you were here to watch him grow up. I wish I could see, the lights of your pick up in the driveway because that would mean I wasn't alone. I wish you returned my phone call, that July evening because that would mean you were on your way home to us. I wish I could hear you say, "I love you" because that would mean I could still talk to you about the day. I love and miss you dearly Trevor. Brooke and your son you were so proud of, Tanner. xoxoxo
  12. HI Chrissy, It's odd how similar mine, your and Jenn O's situations are. I agree with her that I can't say it gets any easier, you just adjust to the new "normal" that is now your life. What we have been through gives a new definition to single mother/father. People say my older sister is a single mother, and she says no I am not,we just don't live together, she still has that help whether it be physically, finacially or emotionally, we on the other hand do not. Some days are more challenging then others, especially when it is one of those days when you would rather just stay in bed, but of course you can't. I am lucky in the fact that I have a couple good friends that have turned out to be an extended family to myself and Tanner, they have two children and realize how hard some days are with both parents there, let alone only one. They try and help me whenever I call out to them, and I hope you all have the same that are facing this situation as well, I am thankful everyday that I have Tanner in my life, I would be a lot worse off if he wasn't, and one day he will understand just how much he pulled me through this horrible tragidy. Yes everyday is a challenge, and everyday I grow stronger for it, I keep telling myself, if I can get through this I can get through anything!! Take care Chrissy, Hugs and strength Brooke
  13. Yes I believe now it may have been Trevors way of saying I am still here, I am still around you, it was just hard to shake the feeling after such a vivid dream that he still wasn't coming home.
  14. Hi there, I wanted to share a very vivid dream I had the other night regarding Trevor, it has sat in my mind for the past 2 days, and I can't shake the feeling of sadness for wanting him to come home. Just when I thought I was getting along fine, I had a dream. I dreamt that Trevor came home, and I said to him where the heck have you been!, he said I was working on the Islands, I was like no you weren't, you weren't working! They made decals up for you and everyhting!, I can't believe you couldn't call anyone, you missed 2 months of your sons life, and all you can say is sorry you were working! I told him how angry I was at him, and that at that moment I couldn't talk to him so I went for a walk, the last thing I remember saying to him was you better call your mother! It was so vivid it was like he was really here with me, I was so depressed the next day, everytime I would go outside, I would hear a vehicle comeing down the street, and expect to see Trevors truck pull into the driveway, so I could say to myself okay thank goodness this was all a bad dream, and if I walk over to my car there will be no decal on there that says in loving memory of Trevor. So then it seems like you are living through the tragidy all over again, what an awful feeling. Thanks for letting me "vent" here and share my experience. I wish I could wake up from "this" dream. Brooke
  15. Oh my goodness!!!! Congrat's Chrissy on having baby Jason! I am so happy for you, short labours are the best, I was 7 hours with Tanner as well. Take care and remember if you ever need to chat or anything it's just an email away, although I know the next few weeks will be exciting a busy for you!! Lots of Love, Brooke and baby Tanner
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