brittney1289

It might help you to read the post I posted the first day I found this sight. I think you can find it by looking at my profile. The point that I want to make is that I too have been very mad at my mom. She has made some very bad decisions, in my eyes. But, I forgive her, and I love her deeply and I know she needs me. I have even been to a counselor with her and I don't know how much that even helped. She is narrow minded and keeps telling my sister and I that "she is an adult, and able to make her own decisions." No matter how much hurt and pain she sees in our eyes. The truth is, no matter what kind of person you are, you are GOING to make mistakes while greaving. I don't see any other way to put it. I do know though why you feel bad, i'm not sure what the relationship there is because I haven't read all of your posts. But, just rest assured, your son loves you, he does very much. Nothing can take the love of your own father away from you, I'm sure he is lonely and sad as well missing your Paula. I read your post yesterday and noticed that you were speaking of the fact that it has been much longer for some of us on here than it has for you. I understand how that must feel for you, however I almost feel worse that it has been almost four years this August and I have spent so much time defending my pain, being angry with pain, trying to get everyone to UNDERSTAND how i'm feeling, that I haven't grieved. If you read my post you will see that four days after I lost my dad my brother was in coma and almost died. For me, I was in panic mode as were my family members and it didn't leave any time for my fathers funeral or even a moment to understand how I was feeling, because I needed to be there for my brother. So in a sense I feel like you do, that it is still very fresh and real. I was very nervous to post on this website because I didn't know how people would take my story, or how they would reciprocate it. I am very glad I told my story. I believe you too, feel better sharing your story or you would have given up al together on this website. It sounds like, if you don't mind me saying that you need to try to deal with one pain at a time. I have been struggling with my mom, my sister, and my brother lately too. I get so consumed with how they are all doing, and what they are all doing, and how they are doing that I have not given myself a chance to get to the gym, work on my own relationship, think about Brittney. The last few days I have not spoken a word to them, I actually even blocked them from my phone. I can't tell you how much better I feel. This isn't a permanent solution but they are not understanding me, and for them to tell me how they perceive me in such a rude way on Monday was wrong. I left my moms hours balling because they all ganged up on me, and told me I need to let my dad rest, and quit being so angry, my brother was puffing up his chest and SCREAMING at me. I of course yelled back, and stormed out of my moms house. They spend so much time telling me how to feel and telling me i'm angry and I can be rude and other things, but they don't come to my house on a Wednesday and care for me and love me and check on me. That just isn't the kind of people that they are, and if I keep convincing myself that, that is what I need from them I will be continually let down. Fool me once shame on them fool me twice shame on me. There are so many people that love you and care for you and want the very best for you. It sounds like we both lost the peace makers in our family, the glue, the warm hugs, the gently laugh, and the light hearted souls that we love and miss so much. I have read many comments about people saying how losing a loved one helped them and molded them into who they are. I would rather have my dad back to be honest than be this knowledgeable person regarding death but damnit, if I have to go through this you bet your ass i'm gonna come out the other side a better person. I was compelled to comment on your post, reading many many others because I felt connected to you and I adored the love that you and your paula shared, I still do. I also feel like you are a wise man and I could learn a few things from you as well. Regardless of what you son says, he loves you and misses you. I have thought about my mom ten thousand times since Monday since i'm taking a break from her negativity right now, but that doesn't mean for one second I love her any less. I need to find a way to take her in small doses, separate myself from her negativity and gossip, and love her for who she is but not let her get me going. that is up to me, but I know for sure that if time went on and I hadn't spoken to her and something happened to her I would never forgive myself. Keep extending warm embraces your sons way. He is angry, so you may not hear what you want to hear, but you won't regret it, I promise. Having many tough fights with my whole family in the last four years has showed me that we can all be assholes, self centered, we all cope in our own ways and frankly we all piss each other off, but they are all a part of my dad. Once in a while my sister will remind me of something my dad used to say, when she does it fills my heart, brings back his memories, and makes me so glad that I have family members who remember things that I have blocked out due to all the pain. I believe in you. Please read my story, it will show you that I have struggled quite a bit as well with my mom, and if I can take my dad off his pedestal and accept my mom for who she is and love her madly faults and all, I know you can too. The truth to the matter is, that our loved ones in heaven want us all to get along. does it need to be perfect? NO and it will never be. But we can love each other fearlessly and not let our egos get in the way. I know we can, and I am a living, breathing, example. However, I re read my post and it is pretty angry and I was almost embarrassed to see what others may have thought of me, but you know what. who cares, I am who I am and I'm not going to mask my feelings by wishing they weren't so. I do feel better sharing them and hearing such kind words. It feels nice that i'm not alone. and neither are you my friend, neither are you!

I love that you refer to her as "my paula" I was very touched reading how you speak of her. I too love Paula, and I don't even know her, and I'd garden with you if we lived closer. I did not lose a spouse, rather I lost my dad. My dad took my mom to the seventh grade, loving her deeply, he was just as you have said her everything and he was hers. It has been very hard for me to see my mom, sister, and brother suffer. I think that is almost the worst part. My father also passed from cancer, stage four lung cancer when they found it and he made it six months. I feel the same way, I am thankful that I was able to be his care taker, so I could show him some of the same love and support he had given me for many, many years. People tell me all the time that my dad wouldn't want to see me sad, I think "ok, yeah, but i'm still sad." It's so much easier to say that Paula wouldn't want you to be sad but we both know she wouldn't. It's soooo easy to focus on the negative, what we will miss out on, and we already have. I really don't even have great advice for you, and I wish I did. But, I feel for you, I really do. I know the love you are speaking of, and I know about loss. Look at it this way, i'm 25 and you are older than me so you will get to Paula faster than I will get to my dad It's funny when you look at life, we are supposed to be able to be in a loving relationship, be a great employee, student, friend, be self sufficient, independent, etc. When you spend so long with someone whether they are a spouse, parent, friend whatever it may be you grow very attached to them and after a while you feel that you can't "be" by yourself because the two of you are one!. When you lose someone, and nothing goes wrong, no one cheated, no one got hooked on drugs, but they did pass away it is very hard to cope, then you have to go back to work, and school, and being independent without your other half, how in the world do you do that? You know they say the good ones die young, and everyone has an opinion, but I think theres some truth to that. I too have had dreams of my dad, very vivid dreams. In my dreams I am balling and telling him about what has went on since he died, with my mom and her new husband, he can see the pain in my eyes and I can see the pain in his, but he cannot speak. I have had two dreams like this, slightly different. I can't help but think he is trying to tell me that he is in fact here, with me, loving me, supporting me. However, he just can't talk to me about it like he used to be able to. The hard part is I just miss my best friend. Dad always had my back, he always loved me, he would get disappointed in me when I did wrong no doubt, but he knew I was honest and I meant well even if my temper got the best of me, he always told me where I stood and wipped my ass into shape if I was being bad. I miss him and I miss my rock. I miss his hugs, his laugh, his face, his strong manly hands, his JOKES, he was so funny! I was lucky enough that I was 21 when he passed, most of the time I can honestly tell you that I know what he would say to me, I know what he would want for me, I know deep in my heart if he would be disappointed or proud of me. I know if he would like my current boyfriend, or be happy that my sister had a baby. I am so lucky for those things. I know that you wouldn't trade Paula for anyone in the world. She's keeping your seat warm up there. My dad used to tell me that "there work just isn't done" when referring to people who had near death experiences. I know that we are not here for nothing. We all have a purpose and some of us take longer than others to accomplish our "mission" I like to think. Its very hard to not feel alone, I even have a brother and a sister whom I could talk to, but it doesn't do any good really. We all have convinced ourselves that "we had the best relationship with dad" when we talk it probably sounds more like a competition than a healing conversation. My mom acts like she is over it, but while drinking the tears will fall from time to time. It has been nearly four years since my dad passed this august and I have spent four years talking to him in my car, looking up at the sky and nearly having a tear, most of the time actually crying; my dad was a truck driver so something about being in the car and looking up at the sky makes me think of him. Have you ever heard the song "stars" by grace potter? "I lit a fire with the love you left behind And it burned wild and crept up the mountainside I followed your ashes into outer space I cant look out the window, I cant look at this place. I cant look at the stars They make me wonder where you are...Stars, up on heavens boulevard And if I know you at all, I know you've gone too far, so I, I can't look at the stars"I feel a connection to that song. I don't know if it is helping you or not for me to ramble on about my own story, so I will stop. My mom tells me all the time that she is happy my dad isn't suffering anymore, and so am I. If only that is the only thought I could remember, he's not suffering, he's not suffering, he's not suffering. Unfortunately it doesn't work like that because you miss them, and you want to spend time with them, but really it's a selfish wish when he was so sick, and so weak, and so ready to be with god. The last thing I want to say is that I think about a quote from one of my dads favorite movies a lot. It goes like this: Some birds are not meant to be caged, that's all. Their feathers are too bright, their songs too sweet and wild. So you let them go, or when you open the cage to feed them they somehow fly out past you. And the part of you that knows it was wrong to imprison them in the first place rejoices, but still, the place where you live is that much more drab and empty for their departure.” Paula and my dad, dale, their feathers were just too bright. They miss us too, I know they do. good luck and TAKE CARE. take a long nap and do a little gardening for paula. Keep doing the things you love and know even if they remind you of your SWEET paula, because afterall you enjoy naps and gardening, don't forget that!!!

Thanks ladies. I will look into some grief counseling, I think seeing a specialist might be more insightful than the counselors I have already seen. The problem I have mostly is that on a good day I have a hard time opening the door to all of my emotions and really getting to the root cause. If I could go in on an as needed basis on a hard day I think I would benefit much more. But, as you said trying it at least three times should help. I have read many posts on this website, and feel so thankful that someone has created a site for people to talk and a safe space for kind listeners. What a blessing. I appreciate you guys reading my story and caring. It helps to know that people care.

Missing my dad today, and always