Adam1982

Yeah, pretty much, Some days are easy like it never happened, then others are so dark I can't see the light. Seriously, the range saves me when I really want to explode. I feel so much better after every outing. That's what I'm doing, day by day. Stress comes way too easy though. I recently spoke to a few advisers at school about everything. They seemed more lenient and more willing to help, but ultimately, they do not seem to be that type of college. (money) It's a difficult thing for me to tell someone though. I feel as though I'm burdening them to force a reaction that they wouldn't normally give otherwise. I've considered taking a semester off, but honestly, I just want to finish. I'm about a year from my degree, and I'd like to get out of this school ASAP, as I've already spent more years here than necessary, because I switched my major halfway through, before all of this happened. I have the summer at least, so I'm looking to have a summer where I won't be myself. I feel the need to let loose. I'm an introvert, and too much of everything goes inward.

Anne, I'm terribly sorry for your losses of your siblings. I cannot imagine what that feels like in comparison to my situation. It has been hard, very hard. I appreciate your kind words.

Hello all, My name is Adam. I'm grieving the loss of my older sister, who passed away on December 5th of 2012. It was the most horrifying experience of my life. She had gotten into a car accident that broke several major bones (thigh, clavicle, forearm) and had to be medivac'ed from the scene. In the coming months, she healed rather quickly, but got hooked on the pain medication. I had seen the symptoms of addiction, as I had old friends that I had cut out of my life because they were basically doing the same thing. I tried my best to warn my parents, but she was a legal adult so we couldn't just send her to a rehab unwillingly. So, we had to live with it. It got progressively worse and worse, with fights going from verbal to physical. She seemed to target me with the most aggression. It eventually got so bad that police got involved, and it just went downhill from there. Then, everything seemed to clear up miraculously. She got a job, and was doing good, or so we believed. She started isolating herself for extended periods of time, so I guess we grew complacent because there wasn't any fighting. One day, I arrive home from work or school, i don't remember, and my mother is frantic about my sister. We hadn't seen her in a couple days. I initially brushed it off cuz it seemed normal. Then my mom came back doing the same about 45 min later. This next part is hard for me. So we started knocking on her door, it was locked. called her phone, rang inside her room. Then I started panicking. I then noticed a smell coming from the room. I had never smelled it before but I instantly knew what it was. I grabbed a crowbar and pried her door off the hinges and broke it down. What I saw I will not post on here, but it stuck with me for months through flashbacks. Coroner and police came, worst day/night of my life. Completely indescribable what I felt then, and what I feel now. It was later ruled to be a bad batch of heroin. We had no idea she was doing it. I still cannot enter her room or go near her car. Since then, all the hopes and dreams for her fell to me, I could feel it through my parents. This sent me into nearly 3 years of isolation from all the anger, regret, sadness, etc that I felt. I couldn't hold a job, it's still kind of hard. My grades at college dropped. I was on the dean's list and had honors, then it all was gone. I couldn't focus, and the worst pat was that nobody truly understood what I was going through, because you only understand through experiencing it yourself, from what I've read. More hardships to deal with. So afterwards, I started to see a grief counselor and she has been great. I recently say a psych person because I had convinced myself there was something mentally wrong with me because of everything. I got a psych eval done thinking I have PTSD, which would make sense, but it came back negative. I just felt and sometimes still feel like I'm losing my mind. Also within the span of a week, several other people passed from heroin as well. I don't know what it is, but a lot of people use heroin around here. This town I live in used to be so nice with none of this crap happening. A few months pass, my grandmother passes, natural causes. Still very sad though, she was an awesome woman. A month after that, I start dating a girl I went to school with. I know it was a bad idea for a relationship, I guess I wasn't thinking straight at the time. She turns out to have Borderline Personality Disorder. Worst relationship of my entire life. Worst part about it is that she felt I was supposed to be over my sister's passing within a year. A YEAR!!!!! WTF! It was 8 months of emotional beat downs. I have my problems too, but I'm not a hostile person. I finally muster enough courage to break it off with her (I'm terrible at breakups) and she threatens me with suicide, says she's taking drugs and harming herself. This puts me over the edge. I call 911, then I hear she's fine after the 911 call, then I call 911 back because I'm afraid she would make up a report to the police or something. Then after research on BPD forums, I go no contact, and have been that way since i broke up with her. But this isn't about her. I'm almost done, sorry for the length. This past Easter morning on 4/20, my best friend of 15 years passed away from an overdose. I met him in 6th grade and we were inseparable up until we were 23-24, when I found out he was on heroin and he lied to me about it. I hold trust so high in my life that I will break off a friendship if it is violated. I have deep seeded trust issues. He was such a great friend that no one has come close that I've met since. I considered him more like a brother than anything else. I regret not being there for him. I just feel so sad and unhappy about EVERYTHING. It was a very sad funeral, but got happy by the end of the weekend. Luckily he left behind some really good memories that I cherish, and still make me laugh. I hadn't cried in 2 years since my sister had passed, as it completely broke me. I isolated my feelings and avoided emotion. Then when Dennis, my best friend passed, it changed. People praise me for still standing strong after so much turmoil. I'm surprised myself, but I feel like I'm crumbling from the inside out. I wanna explode, but I don't know how. I wanna scream, but I don't know what to scream. I only have one question after all of this. Why? What is it all for? What's the light at the end of the tunnel? I've gone to at least 5 or 6 funerals in the past 2 n a half years. I do smoke weed, as it helps with anxiety and seems to stabilize my mood. I do also see the contradiction there. I take clonazepam for anxiety, which the new Dr wants to switch me to an anti depressant which I'm all for. I don't wanna be on benzo's anymore. I'm prior service Army, and I go to the gun range a lot. It's very therapeutic for me to relieve aggression that I cannot get out otherwise. I think that's it for now, I just wanted to share my story and hopefully gain some insight or just opinion.