Neilslittlesister

I get annoyed when I have to sign in to respond. Then I get to type my user name. Neil's little sister. That's what I always was. His Light was so bright... I could never compete with him. Mostly I didn't want to. Growing up on family vacations shared with cousins and aunts and uncles and grandparents- I think I felt overshadowed. When he was in the room I became invisible. It served me well when dad was angry. Neil was always the loudest. He was seen. Heard. So he was beat- the most and often. My dad abused me too- but he hated Neil. He was jealous of the close relationship my mom and brother had. In fact, it had been several years since my brother and father spoke. Can you imagine being the parent whose kid died and you hadn't spoken to him?? So I reached out to my dad. Stayed with him mostly for the funeral. My parents like to fight over my children. It's great! :/ I had so much guilt with that. Neil wouldn't want me to ever speak to him again. I'm not honoring my brother by associating with my dad. But I saw a psychic medium- against my religious beliefs-after Neil's passing- and asked about my father. Neil/Medium said- over here is only love. Work out everything you can on your side or you will have to work it out on the other side. I took that as it's okay to have a relationship with my dad. I live my life always thinking of others, and how they feel. God blessed me with compassion, and empathy, and a willingness to forgive. He also gave me an addiction to chocolate that just isn't right and the scale shows it! Haha I just don't want to regret anything in my life-mostly hurting others. My dreams have come true already...I've had a wonderful life with my husband and children. I feel so guilty because my brother never accomplished his dreams. Everything left of him fits in a shoebox on my nightstand. I didn't do enough for him. If I could do it all over, I would have waited on him hand and foot. I would have complimented him more. I would have said, I love you.

Thank you so much for getting back with me. The day I wrote that I had just gotten the news. Be done research since then... And the most important thing for me to remember is my brother is dead. How or why doesn't matter cause in the end he's gone. I keep reminding myself of that. When I focus on his life- instead of his death I do so much better. The report took me back to his death. Then made him responsible! Marty I read and went through every one of those groups- thank you so much! I was hibernating in bed crying and reading those helped so much. My hubby came home for 2 days for the funeral. But he cleaned the scene, and removed all the blood, got all my brothers things...so I'm forever grateful. He's also a battalion commander so it made him look bad to come back here- and he did it anyway- for me. I'm so blessed. Acceptance is hard. It's going to be very hard for me to believe that quite possibly my brother did drugs. Not just drugs but ghb. I've read so much about this drug- and I can't help but wonder could this have even been a suicide? Again, I have to let go of how and focus on his life. I'm not in a group therapy but a grief therapist. She's been really wonderful. If nothing else- it's a place where I can SAY ANYTHING I WANT. It's a place that I do say anything I want. Like- my dad killed him. It's his fault cause he was abusive. If my brother did drugs it's cause of him. I would never voice that aloud anywhere. It's a safe place. That's what seeing her does for me. Gives me safety. Thank you ladies for reaching out. Sometimes it feels as if I'm on an island all alone with my grief and pain.

This is my first post.

My brother and only sibling died on 2/15/14. We thought he was murdered, because he was robbed and he was found on his bed with his head resting in blood. About 12x12 in diameter. There was also a bloody pillowcase found in the washing machine. This has been a living nightmare from day 1. We used to be such normal people. This doesn't happen to normal people- this happens in Tv. So my parents were completely out of it/recently divorced/ and everything fell to me. I live in texas with my three kids, while husband is serving in Afghanistan. I was the one who spoke to the medical examiner, detectives, crime scene people, I made the funeral arrangements, picked everything out, signed for the bill, got my children and myself on 3 flights to GA. Called Red Cross- got my hubby home, picked out the casket, flowers, music, printed out the pictures, saw his blackened face and head. Fought with my mothers boyfriend, ignored the fact that my father couldn't go inside, Buried him in my husbands family plot so we can be together forever. Follow calls, thankyous, everything fell to me and I did it. I think I did a good job. All this and I get the call today that my brother was not murdered but OD'd on GHB, cocaine, alcohol. People were probably there and they ran in fear but he couldn't have survived this dose of GHB. My brother drank on weekends. That's all I knew. He lived with me for an entire year prior to his death four months after he moved out. He did not do drugs here. He was no addict?!?! I'm so hurt, confused, angry, sad, and I've literally been crying all day. It's been 3 months and the last few weeks I could feel myself growing stronger! Then this. I'm in grief counseling, and loss of a loved one bible study. I have strong faith in The Lord, but this report has completely knocked me down. I'm here asking for prayers. Also, od deaths... Will I ever be okay again? Please help me.