I am happy and relieved to find this site. Not many people have seem to relate to my lately, even my husband. Since the beginning of this year my life has spun out of control and so many days I am afraid I cannot hold on any longer. I lost my father in January, I had not spoken to or seen my father in about 4-5 years. This estrangement came from trying to help my mental health. All of my life my father dearly very abusive man, verbally, emotionally, physically. And he did not protect us from other abusers such as our step mother while they were married. I do not hate my father, and worked over the years to come to an understanding of why he was the father he was. It was not a lack of love, I know he was "ill" so to speak. I truly believe he did the very best he could. But even after this understanding through therapy I could not find the courage to reach out to him. Now he is gone, and the guilt I carry is drowning me. I will never make a mends.I will never see him again.
Now fast forward to February, my grandmother died. My fathers mother. After things became too out of control in our lives and my stepmother was finally out of the picture (my mother committed suicide when I was 6) my grandmother became our mother figure. And my savior. Literally. If not for that lady my own suicide attempt would have been successful. Her passing hurts more than words can convey, in essence she was really my mother, but it was a blessing for her. She battled cancer for 2 years, suffered from dementia & alhemziers, and various health issues. I miss her dearly but thank my creator she no longer suffers. I was able to say goodbye to her....and I was so blessed that day because she had a moment of clarity when she told me she loved me. I cling to that sweet precious moment.
I just feel so out of control that it scares me horribly. I am not even certain I know how to grieve my father. My brother will not speak to me any more. All this has flared up some of my health issues. What few friends I did have seem to have bailed on me. Can someone tell me if this hopelessness and despair will go away? Even though I lost my mother young I have never really grieved her...that is a topic for another discussion. Yes I am a big old mess.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read all this. I am grateful. Be well.
