sinc86

We always had long conversations, whether we were together or far away, or in between. If something big happened in my life, she was one of the first to know about it. When I was sad, she was there for me. When she was sad.....I hope I was there for her. After my dad died (4 years before she did) - she and I took the opportunity to spend quality time together going on trips that meant alot to both of us. Mom was one of the strongest, most 'feeling' people I've ever known. She always wanted to do something for others....and especially wanted to do what she could to make the lives of her children and grandchildren better. The last few months of her life were so difficult. Both of my parents went through more in their last months than i want anyone to go through. It was painful, both times, to see those two loving people suffer so much. I miss her....and really both of them....every day. I feel so lucky that I had two such wonderful people raise me .... but sometimes, I fear I didn't do enough.

Thank-you for your responses. I think quite honestly that I am one who reaches out to make friends, not only for myself but to be kind....and I've come to realize this person does not seem to be. I get the distinct impression that she is putting me off.....and I guess that is just fine. Like just now - I was out mowing and she was sitting on her front step, um - doing nothing in *all her busy-ness*.. At this point I feel like she's built a wall up that I can't even wave without her thinking that might be too much. But she'll text - - - to tell me she's busy or not feeling well or whatever. Lesson learned. Yeah - music has soothed me ever since I can remember. There was a time when i was a kid, when I was sickand the dr. made me stay home with limited activity - and my mom encouraged me to take the time that I was up to play on the piano.....I think it was through that time that I really grew to love piano and have it become my safe haven. My pets also provide me with solitude....and my new home with its nice kitchen and new stove that the landlords brought over a couple of weeks ago. I'll make it through - I think I've come leaps and bounds in just the last week. Going through stuff a couple of weeks ago - stuff that is so precious because it reminds me of them and all they did for me.....was hard. So I was going through a dip in the road toward progress when this lady made her judgement call. I feel stupid that I let it bother me so much - but I guess we're all human. Anne - it helps to know that you struggled with this at the beginning too. Not that I want someone else to struggle, but then I feel you can understand where I'm at..... Thank-you.

A couple of weeks ago I was told by a 'friend' of mine that I was going backwards and needed help. Well, ever since then, she will send me text messages that tell me all about what she's doing that she's so busy or that she's not feeling well, or whatever. To me, obviously she is holding me at bay - is how I'm feeling. By the way - she lives 3 doors down from me. Reality is - I really don't care if she and I ever talk again. Because a conversation with her would put me in the defense mode....which is my greatest outward weakness in this journey. But I find her texts simply annoying. Anyway - why do people do stuff like this? Basically pass judgement on another *like they care* and walk away never to return? Do they not get that it DOESN'T HELP?!??! Is it too harsh to write something back, that I know she's busy and so am I - - she doesn't have to explain herself? How do I write that in a politically correct way? Meanwhile - on to HOW I AM DOING.....Last week I got a new electric piano and playing piano has always been soothing for me. I sit down and play it when I feel the need and it does help me. Last week the first time I sat down with it - I played the old hymns that I knew growing up and that my parents loved. I cried all the way through my dad's favorite hymn. I also talked to my *new* pastor and we had a very good conversation. Church and devotions have always been a part of my life, and a part I've fallen away from - - and the last few days I have sat down and done devotions and I have been so calm. It is a heck of a journey I'm on....but I'm doing what I can to get through it. Maybe none of this makes sense and maybe I shouldn't even write it on here....but that's what is on my mind today.

Sandra, Your story touches my heart. What sweet souls you and your husband are in being there for your brother when others left him behind, and to honor him and your parents in buying the farm they loved. Those places that we have had to go back to our entire lives are so special....because of the people who made those places home. With your brother, you can live with no regrets....you remained his sister and friend throughout your lives together....and treasured and honored that relationship you had. He lives on in you....in your spirit, your kindness, and your care of the farm he loved and took such good care of. I am so sorry for the pain you are enduring over this loss. It's all part of the grieving process, but so difficult to go through. Keep telling the stories of you and your brother and the wonderful bond you shared. You are in my thoughts as you care for that wonderful place and hold your memories of your brother in your heart.

I am so sorry for the loss of both of your parents in such a short time. I too have that fear of breaking down, along with problems with anxiety since my mom died. I too was told how strong I was .... until I broke down, of course. I think breaking down (as in crying) is a very normal reaction in the grieving process....and there is no time limit on the grieving process. A few weeks ago, I cried for hours....the outlet was good and for me, a step to the next phase of healing (It's been 10 months since Mom died). For anxiety, what I've found helpful is putting on soothing music and also reading. It's also important not to isolate yourself, but to reach out to good friends and family. Talking with a pastor or a grief counselor is also very helpful. My heart goes out to you in your losses. Keep coming here....I only found this place a few weeks ago, but have found people to be so insightful, caring, and understanding.

Kay - You are going through such a tough time right now, but I doubt you will regret the time you are spending with your mother. With the changes in her, you are finally able to have good pleasant conversations with her, at times. Those are moments you will cherish always. The love and care you are showing her through your continued visits is wonderful.

Thank-you. I had a good talk with my (new) pastor today and sat down and played good old hymns last night (I've always found music to be very therapeutic). I really felt defeated the other night when told I was going backwards......when I have done some intentional work in process of grieving and thought I had gotten somewhere. But was having a bad day. My pastor said, like many of you here.....there is really not a timeline for grieving. This whole process is a whole lot of learning.

Marty - I followed the link and read that - it was SO amazing! WOW! It totally hit the nail on the head. Tonight I wrote a letter to my parents.....thanking them for what they did for me, how they loved me, and just telling them about the week. I cried the whole time I wrote it.....but it helped me to 'talk' to them. I know they won't physically get it....but I felt the need to say it.

Thank-you so much for all your responses. I can tell that there is a caring understanding on here. Today has been a much better day, with the visit with my good friend who let me talk a little about stuff - which was all I needed - balanced with the happenings of the day and everyday life. The past few days have been very difficult....but I treasure days like today when I'm feeling better and more functional. Last weekend going through family treasures, just really brought out how much I really miss both of them, and how much they did for their family. That part still brings me to tears....not really necessarily in a bad way even - but tears nontheless. The whole validation thing is so important. So many people just don't get it. Within a month of my mom dying, a lady bluntly looked me in the eye and said 'you're depressed and you need help.' I looked straight back at her and said, 'you've never been through this, have you?' In truth - while I'm not normally one that would do such a thing, I wanted so badly to just reach over and smack her....but of course I didn't. Luckily, I'm not that kind of person. I've read some of the links and they just make so much sense. Again, the validation.....

*This place is safe and comforting* It's hard to believe how hard that type of place is to find! I'm so glad I found this place. Thanks for the reading material. I tend to grasp on to anything that will help me understand what I am going through and therefore gives me some sense of comfort. A good friend was just over for a visit and we had such a good conversation....not all about the grief, of course, but she did let me talk a little about what has really triggered my tears lately, and was understanding. Thank goodness....

Thank-you. This difficulty in decision making is very hard for me to deal with, and I think it's hard for others to understand ...... It's kind of good to know I'm not totally off the wall.

Hi Anne, Thank-you. Yes, I know that I'm not in illness mode, but I've read that one of the stages is feeling depressed, down.....more of a profound sadness. I was quite honestly appalled by my first pastor through this...he basically was demanding that it would be 'my turn' to play for services (I had told him I needed a break when Mom was going through the process of a lot of suffering and on the road to dying. After I told him I wasn't up to that - I just needed to sit back - he wrote me the next day saying he needed me to play that night. When I wrote him back telling him more point blank that I needed time, he was rude....right down rude. I've only begun to start going back there and it is very hard for me to do so, because I feel like it will be 'expected' of me to serve.....even with a different pastor there. I was very upset by his actions, because I used to be in fulltime ministry and that is NOT the way to serve your congregation. But moreso, I was deeply hurt on top of grieving. I went to a different church for a while and am trying to get myself to go back there. The new pastor seems good. Thank-you.

I think I'm in the depression stage of grief (?). I've been doing some reading and in one place it said that in this stage the most well-meaning of people have all the advice in the world....and sometimes you just need to go through this stage.....covering the ddpression deep inside doesn't really work and even does some damage to your process of grieving. The problem I'm concerned about is my decision making skills have gone out the window. I've gone from major anxiety to minor anxiety and really decisions have been difficult for a while now. I've always been a volunteer - but I'm finding right now that just putting some money in an envelope to help defer costs is basically all I have to give....but it's something anyway. Last weekend we went through some family things.....and I cried for hours over what has been, what was - and really how wonderful my parents were and therefore, how much I seriously miss them. Losing them both in 4 1/2 years was difficult. Anyway - I've been working my way through this....and last night one of my friends (one of those wellmeaning people) told me I seemed to be going backwards and needed help. I felt pretty defeated....because of all the work I've done in going through the process. My main concern honestly is the decision making.....that puts a damper on everyday life and while I tend to think things through quite a bit.....I haven't been one to look at life through dark colored glasses - thinking of every last thing that can go wrong. But right now - I just have this deep down worry of what all could go wrong. I think part of my problem is that this past year, on top of losing my mother after watching her suffer terribly.....I went through a severe housing crisis - and because of that thought on top of everything else that I might have to give up my pets.....who are my family.....and dealt with several injustice issues in my last housing situation. So - I'm thinking that's part of where this looking through things with so much worry is coming from..... Does any of this make sense? And yes, I know talking to a clergy or a counselor would be a good thing for me right now (unfortunately at the time of my mother's death all my pastor at the time could think of is how I could best serve the congregation, even when I was telling him I needed some time to breathe.....I could have really used that support then....fortunately there is now a different pastor). Sorry for rambling.....

I think it is very common to have feelings of guilt over what we didn't do. My mom suffered 2 major strokes in the months before she died, and it was like my mom was being slowly taken away ..... the last few months she was not herself at all. Such pain and anxiety - and I felt horrible that I couldn't do anything that would help her even for a few minutes because she was going through so much. I think it's important to think of the times you spent with your mom, the things you did with and for her. You were very good and attentive to her, I can tell. She knew how much you loved her, I am sure. The feelings you are going through are so normal and part of the process of grief. Hang in there, be kind to yourself, and hold on to the good memories.

No, she was in comfort care at a nursing home the last few days (she had a final stroke just before she died)- and I live over 100 miles from there.