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Grief Healing Discussion Groups

Stephen523

Contributor
  • Posts

    7
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Previous Fields

  • Date of Death
    10/22/1988
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    United States

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Male
  • Location (city, state)
    Vero Beach
  1. Thank you Kay, this community has been helpful. It's good talking with folks who truly understand.
  2. Hi Fae, Thank you, I am considering seeing a counselor to see if it helps to resolve these feelings. That story that Marty was great, and really hit home. Best, Steve
  3. Enna, thank you so very much. I think that I did push the grief aside as we raised our family. I never had a lot of downtime between work & family. Now that I am in less demand, my mind has ample time to wander. Nearly 26 years, and those wounds still hurt a lot. Thankfully, I had a wonderful Father's Day weekend, and am a little less gloomy today. I really appreciate your kindness. Kay, I know what you mean. The no marriage in Heaven is one of my least favorite ideas. But as you said, it's far more complex than we can imagine. I am merely a simple human. I just have to have faith that things will be as they should when the time comes. I am just really glad to have been able to relate this to others who understand. Best, Steve
  4. Thank you Marty & Kay, Marty, I never went to any kind of formal counseling. My family and friends were very supportive of me, at 19 I thought I would deal with it on my own, and through my wife's help my life became pretty normal. Over the years, I of course had some rough days. I dislike secrets, and am not good at them so I do let my wife know because it is obvious when I am down. I'm going to read the story you posted once things quiet down here at work in a bit. Kay, I have talked to my wife about it and she understands. She is really great, when she is off we do spend the time together, but when she works we hardly see one another due to the need for sleep. I didn't mean to paint her in the wrong light, she is really wonderful. The difficult part to articulate is how bright the future once seemed, I feel so badly that because our future ended in an instant, no goodbye, no warning, no resolution while our love was still growing. It was perfect, and as wonderful as my wife is I still think about what was and could have been. I know how really fortunate I am, I just feel a bit guilty about it. I am so glad that there is a place to come and talk. I am a Christian, and know that I will see her again. But the part that concerns me is when that time comes to have to choose. A relationship that was months old versus one of decades. The math does not add up, because my heart aches for what was and feels guilt for loving the one that is gone as well as the one that is here. . I did reach out to my first love's mom a couple weeks ago I hadn't contacted her for a long time because I did not want to hurt her. She was really happy to hear from me, she knows about my family as she is friends with my mom, but they had drifted apart awhile ago and are now in touch again after I spoke with her. Talking to her mom was great, and I wish I had done it sooner. I know that i am not alone, and the situation feels complicated. After reading some of the threads here, I know that no one's journey is a simple one.
  5. I am new to the site, and would appreciate your insight on my situation. Nearly 26 years ago I lost the love of my life, Mary in an automobile accident. I was 19 at the time and we had met when she began working at the grocery store where I had been employed for a couple of years. One day, my mom had gone through her line and when my my mom was paying for the groceries, Mary saw my picture in her wallet and asked if how my mom knew me. They talked a bit and when my mom told me about it, I worked up the courage to ask her out. Thankfully, she said yes. Mary was beautiful and kind, she had had a rough breakup and was heartbroken in a previous relationship. When we talked, I understood (never really having any relationship myself that lasted more than a month or two) and we took things slowly. I was head over heels for her and thought that we had time, me being 19 and her being 17. We dated a few months, and it was the most wonderful relationship that I had ever experienced. I was looking forward to the holidays with her, the first time for having a steady girlfriend. My folks loved her, her mom loved me, it seemed so perfect. October 22nd, 1988 my world shattered. On her way to a cashier's meeting early that Saturday morning, her front tire blew out and she lost control of her car and was killed in a head on collision with a pick up truck, sadly the other man did not survive either. I had lost a very good friend of mine in January of '87, our senior year in an accident as well. His death was the first time that I lost someone who wasn't an older relative. As much as losing Greg had hurt, losing Mary was the most devastating thing in the world to me. I was lost. My folks and friends kept me surrounded with love as I slowly tried to become me again. I was usually a fun loving person, telling bad jokes and silly puns. I couldn't laugh anymore. I was 19 and had lost THE ONE. The night of October 22nd I dreamed that she had come to me and told me that she loved me and to be strong. I dreamt of her that first year, then never again sadly. She was constantly in my thoughts, but never when I was asleep. Just before my 21st birthday I met a wonderful young lady who healed a lot of my wounds. I was lonely and thought I was doomed to be alone for the rest of my life. The odd thing is she shared the same first and middle name (Mary Ellen) and she is also 2 years younger than me. I told her all about the first Mary, and she understood and was patient with me. We married 6 months later, and had 2 beautiful kids, a daughter & son. Our daughter is now 23, and our son will be 18 next month. You would think that I had moved on. Well, that is what brought me here. With my daughter now 4 hours away, my son also getting close to adulthood, and being out more, and my wife works overnights. I have a lot more time to myself. I also changed jobs this year where I now have a 40 minute commute one way it gives my mind a lot of idle time. Being a young parent, the kids kept me busy. My life is a really happy one otherwise. And that's why I feel so guilty. My best friend of about 18 years is moving to Michigan this week (I am in Florida), and my life is getting eerily similar to my life of when I lost Mary. I have never stopped thinking of her or loving her. The anniversary of her death is always hard. But now, I think about her as much as I used to. I feel guilty that my heart is divided, and that my first love is still so strong. If I were to pass on (not that I am hastening the process) I would want to be with her. I know that logic does not apply to this situation, looking at it on the screen I feel like a heel for not embracing the blessings that I do have. I love my wife a lot, but part of my heart has been closed for almost 26 years and is untouchable. This is the main reason I came to the site. In 1988 I wasn't on the web, an when I finally got internet in the mid-'90's, I was wrapped up and busy with the kids. I could really use some insight and guidance. Thanks for reading the long post, Steve
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