Hi every one. I lost my partner 2months ago to cancer. His pass & illness was so soon and unexpected. Me and Juan had just been together for 2 1/2 yr. We lived together like husband and wife. When I met Juan he had just come out of Recovery as he was a recovering Addict. Thought I did not ever seen that side of him. I did not care for his pass life. He had totally change and was doing so good with his program he had accepted god in his heart. Well when we met every one told me to watch out for him as he was so fresh from recovering but I did not care as I felt different for him I knew he was sincere. I my self was recovering from a divorce. So when he came into my life It felt as he was god sent to me. Juan and I did not date to long he move in to my aparment 1month later when we found out that I was pregnat. Really thats when our lifes started to Grow. He became more involve with recovery and Me. Life was treating us good we had our son in 04, Juan had a great job as a truck driver, and we were in the middle of remodeling a home his mother was to sell to us. And that when it all happen in April of 06 he was diagnosse with Lymphoma A rare type ( T cell ) when he went in the hospital the first time they gave him A 50/50 chance when they gave him his first Kemo. He recover in about two weeks he then was release and to continue his treatment we were told that he was doing fine and that the kemo was working. So we continue remodeling to move in July of this year. but the unexpected happen Juan got very sick one weekend and I took him to the Hospital on Monday he had really bad pain. They gave him Morphine every hour and he still had really Bad headache. He could not take the pain with all the mediacation he became very lucive he thought I was his mom. Two days later on Wed he stop talking and responding and I call the nurse so they can check on him. He then stop breathing and was place in a ventalator. They had to call so many doctors to finally determine if he had pass. I was not told till Thurs Afternoon. As they performed so many test to finally determine. The family and i did not want to keep him the ventelator as thats what he wanted. He was disconnect on friday the 16th fathers day for us latinos. It was so hard to let go of him but I had to accepted As the hardest part was that he was not going to be with my son And take him to his first Baseball game as Juan always rave about. His family has been very supportive. I have cried so much that I some times dont feel I have no more tears to cry anymore. Iam a women that is verry strong and hard. The monday after the funeral and continue my daily life as always I went to work. I know people think that I dont care no more for him And that Iam not sad Anymore But they dont know what I feel. I have met a man that has been very suportive and has been there for those time when I feel so lonely and down. I met him After the death of Juan He was a friend of a friend of mine Juan did not know him nor hi knew Juan, we have gone out and even started a relationship. He defently knows that iam still Mourning as he is the only one that I allow to see me cry as I mention I have always been an independent women and was raise to not show other people our emotions. But I feel confused I want the relationship to happen but I dont know what to say to his family. I still miss Juan and wishes he was here. But Iam now involved with this man and i dont know how to explain it every one tells me the same thing that I moved to fast. They just dont uderstand How I feel unless it happens to them. I feel confused sometimes I want to feel that this is reality and i have to suck it up I dont know where to go for help as every one one seems to judge what iam doing as if i was cheating on Juan but I dont feel iam i dont know where to turn. Sometimes I wish I can disapear to another worl.
