pinkysmile

That's awesome! Thank you.

In about a year we will be getting married. This is something I was excited about but with the sudden losses of my niece (who would've been one of my bridesmaids) and my dad I wasn’t feeling into it anymore. I lost the two of them within a few weeks of each other and my granddad a year before. My thoughts on the wedding kept slipping to what I wouldn’t have that I should, rather than what it really represents, how my daddy wouldn’t walk me down the aisle, say a hilarious speech about how he felt sorry for my poor husband (and he would've said so too) etc. And after finally convincing him to dance with me, I'm devastated it won't happen. Even though, he threatened that his dancing would be disco dancing, and it probably would have been just to embarrass me! Recently I have started to look at it better. I have decided that I will only have two bridesmaids instead of three even though the bridal party will be lopsided. My brother who lost his only daughter will walk me down the aisle. This was his idea and I was reluctant to at first because I know it'll make me an absolute mess. It's as close as either of us is going to get to how it should be but it's still incredibly special. My flowers will come from the plant we planted on Mum and Dad's farm where we stood to scatter Dad's ashes. Not the best 'wedding flowers', but without a doubt the best flowers for my wedding. We will also use petals from my niece's favourite flowers to line the aisle and will light a yankee candle of her favourite scent in memory of everyone who can't be there. I initially thought this was a lot of focus on what was and not on us but looked at in context of the whole big day I am happy that they are a small but valuable reflection of the people who helped us to that point and meant to much to us. If anyone has any thoughts on this or any other ideas to incorporate them into the day (focusing more on how important they are to us than what we have lost) please share. Then we just need to sort out the venue now since we cancelled the first date and now someone else has it! Haha.

I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. It’s just horrific isn’t it. I lost my dad on June 10 this year. He was also a smoker for many years. He too had cut back but as a result gained a bit of weight yet we too noticed no signs. In the weeks following I tried to think of possible signs. He had the flu the week before and I was meant to go and see him two days before, in the weekend, but mum told me to stay away so I didn’t get it. He died in the night, two nights later, while he was sleeping (the coroner has not yet determined the casue). I too struggle with not getting to say goodbye. I still have moments where I struggle to believe I have just lost two of the most precious people in my life. “and what bothers me too is knowing that I didn't tell her how much I loved her, enough” She would’ve known just the same as you know how much she loved you. Love is more powerful than words. When there are no words left, there is still love. Take everything one moment at a time, there will be times when you need to. If the tears come let them. If they don’t that’s okay too.

Thank you! It's actually over a month out, but i will make the appointment anyway. I guess I could always cancel it.

Thank you so much for your replies. In terms of location, I am in a relatively small town. Due mainly to my laziness, I haven’t got a driver’s license and to be fair most appointments are within work hours anyway so I probably couldn’t go out of town. I’m not in college and have just started a new job. We don’t have a hospital here, just a med centre. There is a counsellor at the med centre which is the one that costs $90 per session. I did speak to my doctor the other day (I had an appointment for something else), without mentioning the details and he gave me a list of other places. The church based one appears to charge on sliding scale but I was a wee bit surprised by how long it takes to get an appointment there! I have also considered calling the hotline but since I’m currently in a shared living arrangement with 4 other people and paper thin walls it’s a matter of finding time when I’m the only one home, which is sometime around never, and I don’t want to risk having to explain anything to them. I just can’t work out why I am stuck on this, which in reality is probably making me think about it even more! I just want to focus on the good stuff but it is hard to. While these events were both huge in our respective lives, I don’t think they were huge in the relationship I had with her. I helped her, she helped me. It changed who we were as individuals and how we looked at the world. Like now with the loss of her, it split time into before and after (before the first time for me and the one time for her). It didn’t define our friendship or our relationship as Aunty/niece though… Kayc, I am so sorry to hear about what your daughter went through. 4 is so young. It’s just such a horrible thing.

I’m not sure where to put this (or whether the topic is okay, please delete it if it's not!) as it is about my niece who passed away just recently at just 18 years old. Because we were quite close in age, we spent a lot of time together and were very good friends as well as Aunty/Niece. I’m struggling with grief overall. But there is one thing that is selfishly on my mind a lot recently. She was the only one who knew I had been abused. I didn’t plan to tell her but she went through a similar experience. I had no idea it would be something so big when the miserable Facebook statuses came out. A quick message to see what was wrong lead to her pouring her heart out over the internet. My heart was breaking for her. I felt sick. I wished I was near her to give her a hug and just listen as she cried but while we were only about 20kms away I couldn’t get there and in reality she would’ve have wanted that then. She blamed herself, she could have said no but she didn’t, she made excuses instead, all of which he ignored but she was too ashamed to say no, she shouldn’t have been there in the first place and so on. She told me in detail how she lay wondering how long it would take and wishing away the seconds. She thought it was ages but in reality it probably wasn’t. I found out it was over a week beforehand. She made me promise I wouldn’t tell anyone. I didn’t but, even with my own secret, struggled with whether I was doing the right thing. She was younger than I was when it happened to me. Did that make it different? He went further than 'my' person did too. I caught up with her a few days later. It was at a family gathering so we couldn’t talk about it easily. Eventually we snuck off to the paddock with the horses and I asked her how she was doing. She said okay and looked away. I told her I thought about what happened all the time. I asked her if she’d told anyone. She had told a friend. I listened as she told me again what happened. She didn’t cry just recounted the facts. I urged her to tell her mum (which she eventually did later). She said she had never felt so alone and no one would really understand if she told them. I told her I’d never been through something as horrible as her but I had been in a situation where I experienced similar emotions and promised I’d be there for her, whenever, wherever. She pushed me to tell her what happened and despite everything I was so reluctant to. I made several generalised comments before she burst into tears and said please tell me, I don’t want to feel so alone. I was also crying, so I apologised saying it doesn’t compare but told her my story. She was sobbing so loudly I’m surprised no one heard us. She kept saying I’m sorry I had no idea you were going through that. I pointed out she would’ve been 10 when it happened so it’s not like I would’ve told her anyway! I had pushed the emotion so deep inside to the point I could almost convince myself I made it up. Talking hurt so bad and more than anything the fear came flooding back, but at the same time was incredibly healing. She asked a lot about what actually happened and I told her how it happened over several months, how it was always his fingers or things. She asked about the pain. She asked if anyone noticed I was acting different. She asked what the absolute worst part was. I told her it was the sheer terror of having him over me. She said it was the same for her. I told her how after the first time I hid in my bedroom after and blasted the radio as loud as I could. I hadn’t been able to hear the song that was on (Black velvet) since without flipping between scared and teary. She told me she had a song too, the first song that played on her iPod after. Perfect by Pink. We only talked about it a handful of times in the 3 ish years since then. She continued to grow into an amazing young woman and an incredible friend. She got in with the wrong crowd for a while and made mistakes but doesn’t everyone. She had sorted herself out and started working at a great new job but one critical mistake and she was gone. I’ll never see her gorgeous smile again, never experience her beautiful bubbly personality. I never told her how grateful I am for everything she gave me and how sorry I am that I couldn’t have made things better. To be fair, there is a lot of other issues that probably affect this (I could write a very interesting book about myself and family) and I considered seeing a counselor but at $90 per session it’s unaffordable at the moment. Her passing has bought up a lot of other old grief which is feel I can kind of deal with but I’m just not sure how to deal with this so I can grieve for her the way she deserves. I welcome any ideas... Also 'my' person was someone I am related to. He has been gone several years now and if I were to bring it up it would bring a lot of hurt to family members who in no way deserve it. This differs greatly to the reason I never considered doing so when it first happened.