Jenjen2

I've been having counselling sessions for 7 sessions now and have just had the last one It's quite strange for the past few sessions I've found it quite difficult I honestly didn't see a way forward my counsellor even said the cruse offer usually 7 sessions but she thought I might need more then yesterday while relaxing I suddenly had the thoughts that I wasn't to blame and shouldn't feel guilty Through feeling like that we divided together that it was time for our sessions to end I do feel quite anxious about it at the moment but I'm sure it's the right thing

The one that worked before was a nightmare to get off of so I want to avoid going back on it others once I tried to go back on them they didn't work so well again but I think it might be because I'm putting too much pressure on myself to get over things and be ok again

I was on anti depressants before for about 8-9 years and when I made the decision to come off them early 2014 it was a nightmare I had such a difficult time in the end it took me about 3 months of dropping the dosage by 1mg a week to do it but I finally did it. It took me a long time to admit that I needed help again and go back on them but the problem is I've been on so many different ones before that it's hard to find one which agrees and is effective but saying that I have decided if I'm still feeling like this on Monday I will go back and see if they can offer me something different

I don't know which is worse the grief and depression feelings or the side effects of the medication I was told to expect side effects for up to a week once I started taking them but they are driving me mad I'm not prepared to give up on them as I know it will be good in the long run its just a bit of a nightmare at the moment.

I just wanted to give a quick update on how I am doing since you gave me such great support before I have now had 3 sessions with my grief councillor which have been really helpful but I have been very stressed and anxious since my dads birthday in October it has taken me a while but I have finally visited the doctors and been put on anti depressants which I hope begin to work very soon. I have also made the decision to quit university I felt that it was getting too much for me to cope with the work load and commitment on very little sleep and had no concentration I'm panicking abit about what to do next but know it was the right thing to do. Thank you again for all the support Jen

I have made the first step and phoned for face to face bereavement councilling I have been put on the waiting list which is very long but at least it's the first step

I just wanted to say you are being so strong I lost my dad 5 months ago and I 'got through it' by ignoring my emotions and my grief I still find it hard to put myself first and do what I need to do and I think it's making it worse you need to do what's right for you sometimes Jen

A few people at uni now know and said I can text or talk to them about anything any time but part of me doesn't want to burden them with it and since it's half term I don't want to keep bothering them it's their time to relax not worry about me I went to the spiritualist church yesterday really hoping for him to come through he didn't which upset me a bit but after I was half listening to my mum talking to her friend she said that she often feels like crying but doesn't want to I front of us kids she needs to show how strong she is that's exactly how I feel at the moment I want to tell her it's ok but I just don't know how or what words to use

I think it was mainly because I'd made a desision not to tell anyone at uni about my dad I just wanted to have a new start and I was just so tired of putting on a show although it was becoming normal to me I think it was also because it's his birthday on Tuesday so been thinking about it lots and it's half term so I haven't got the day to day work to keep me occupied

My dad died 22 weeks ago and after the initial grief I started to feel ok again I've started at university on a PGCE course which is hard work but am enjoying it and have been focusing on that lots. We had a visit from the director on Thursday and he said to us all make sure we look after and out for each other as you never know who has what things going on in their life this made me feel really upset for some reason and I've been feeling down ever since it feels like it did back at the beginning I'm crying not sleeping and feel sick most of the time it's come right out of the blue as I felt like I was over it I'm scared that it's going to keep coming back when I feel I'm better and coping does it ever stop

In a few weeks time it will be my birthday it's the first celebration since my dad died and I've got such mixed emotions about it I know he would want me to be happy but part of me really doesn't want to celebrate it or acknowledge the day

It's hard to be patient but I will keep trying

I just thought as my mum is beginning to sort through his clothes and things that I should try I still have his phone number on my phone I just don't want to keep like this and want to move in but when I try it's just too hard still

been sorting through my emails today for the first time in ages I deleted over 5000 emails that's how long its been but when I came to emails from my dad I just cannot bare to delete them even stupid ones where he was sending me links which no longer work or vouchers which are expired I've got emails from him dating back to 2008 but cannot delete them

Just got back from the funeral it went really well and wasn't as bad as I thought I would be it was a lovely service and helped me to remember my dads